Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen took his rambling radio tour of crazy crackery to TV this morning with interviews on both Good Morning America and Today, and looooooooooord. Either this is Casey Affleck's sequel to "I'm Still Here" or Charlie has jumped off the rails and snorted 'em up. I'm putting all my tokens on the latter, because Charlie barely even blinks. It's like the crack smoke is holding his eyelids up. Even his plugs are trying to quit his ass. Their idea of a well-balanced meal is not fingernail dirt, bong sludge and coke-infused venom. That malnourished dumpster cat on Charlie's head is in dire need of an IV bag full of vitamins.

Charlie has pretty much aged 20 years in the past couple of months and now has the face of a (don't click) turtle's parched asshole. And yup, a turtle's parched asshole is definitely the face of winning.

While playing with a red wire from an F-18 bomb, Charlie rattled about how he's going to sue CBS and Chuck Lorre for breach of contact. Charlie suggests that they should settle and allow Two and a Half Men to go on. But even though Charlie looks like he'd work for the remnants of an 8-ball found in the gutter and a couple of expired Camel dollars, he says he wants $3 million per episode plus a $20 million signing bonus. We're really going to need a bigger CODE 5150 for Charlie.

Here's a few quotes from Charlie's crazy GMA interview. It looks like 2011's Dead Pool just got a new favorite:

On the bad shit he's on: "I am on a drug. It's called CHARLIE SHEEN! Um, it's not available, because if you try it once you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body. Um. Too much."

On if he's going to sue CBS and Chuck Lorre: "Wouldn't you? I don't have a job. I've got a whole family to support and love. People a lot more important than me are relying on that money to fuel the magic."

On people saying he's an anti-Semite and why he calls Chuck Lorre "Chaim Levine": "People that know me... There's nothing about that in my history, anywhere. I would say, um, you know I'm sorry if I offended you. I didn't know you were so sensitive. I just thought that after you wailing on me for 8 years that I could take a few shots back. I didn't know you were going to take your little ball and go home and punish everybody in the process."

On if he's willing to take a drug test: "Sure, you've got a cup? I've got nothing to hide."

On how he cured himself of crack addiction: "I've closed my eyes and made it so...with the power of my mind. I had to unload 22 years of fiction and just decided that I don't need that anymore. I know my own truth. The fiction of AA. It's a silly book written by a broken down fool who was a plagiarist. They think it's one size fits all and it didn't fit me. I got tired of it."

On if he filled with insides with booze and crack because of boredom: "No, I did that because they work. They change the way you see things. Change the way you feel. And yeah, when you're a little bit bored with redundancy of certain aspects of your life.. Yeah, I think that's why people do them."

On if he thinks his children will be embarrassed by his behavior when they grow up: "God no. Talk about an education. I mean, this and then that's the guy and he's our dad and we can get all the answers and the truth. WOW. Wiiiiiining! That's how you perceive it. "

And during his interview with Today (click here to see that mess), Carlos had a few questions for Chuck Lorre:

1. Chuck, why is it that when I was ready to return to work, you told me there were no scripts ready to shoot. What would we have shot if you did not order the suits into my home to shut down the party?

2. Why is it that you issued a decree informing me that the remaining 8 shows of season 8 had been reduced down to 4? I don't recall getting a vote on this by the way. Stating as well that season 8, our highest rated season to date (most shows are in decline by then and heading towards Will & Grace-ville), was suddenly to halt production two weeks earlier than scheduled? You're the only man that can answer this.

3. When you were told that the crew would suffer gravely as a result of your dictatorial laziness, would you please explain what you meant by your statement: "They are not my problem." I'm sure there's like 120 some odd people who would love to hear the answer to that.

Yup, Charlie is still fucking his perma-soft dick with a fleshlight made of delusions. The Surgeon General should put that on the warning label for the Charlie Sheen drug.

Two and a Half Men might be earthworm food, but Carlos Estevez is bringing bigger and better daily laughs with his insane rants directed towards at the show's creator Chuck Lorre. When Charlie Sheen isn't snorting up lines of win or controlling things with his mind, he's calling into radio shows. And today, he picked up the phone and called into Pat "Let's hire a hooker, Let's get some coke" O'Brien's radio show. I don't really need to say much, because Charlie's quotes are always so amazingly crazy that for years to come counselors will use them to determine whether or not their patients are crack damaged in the brains. "Does this Charlie Sheen quote make sense to you?" "Yes." CRACK DAMAGED!

As always, TMZ has the audio, but here's a few quotes. Charlie is even bringing Eminem into it!

Charlie on being clean and sober: “I'd 100% line up for a test, in front of anyone, only entrance fee is water. You can’t make a claim like that unless you are sitting on absolute gold.”

Charlie on not getting a paycheck from the producers: “Defeat is not an option. They know what they did was wrong they are in absolute breach [of contract] I did nothing wrong. They have picked a fight with the wrong guy. Defeat is not an option. I expressed an opinion, I have the first amendment to support me and I have an army marching behind me, to quote Eminem.”

Charlie on how the producers should take two pieces of Wonder Bread and rub his soft dick with them: “I put a billion dollars in the studio’s pockets and I put half a billion dollars in Chuck’s pocket. I should of been walking in to sandwiches, massages and hand jobs. Yeah, I said it!”

Charlie on how the producers told him to get his shit together: “Look, they said ‘change your life’ and I did, in like an hour. They might just be missing the old guy that was turning up every day and hitting gold.”

Charlie on Chuck Lorre and the show's other creator: “These guys are a couple of AA Nazis and just blatant hypocrites."

Charlie on if he would ever go back to the show: "Can you imagine going back into the sludge pit with those knuckleheads at this point? Can you imagine? It would go bad quickly."

Charlie on how we haven't seen the last of him yet: “Find the most comfortable seat in the house, lean back and watch – it’s about to get really gnarly.”

Gnarly? Did Gnarly Sheen just graduate from Ridgemont High or some shit? If the gnarly-ness Carlos is about to serve is as gnarly as the chewed-up bar of Wrigley's in his mouth, then yeah, things are about to get really gnarly.

A quick second after CBS announced that they are turning off Two and a Half Men's lights for the rest of the season, Charlie Sheen used his all-powerful mind to control the keys on his CrackBerry and type out a crazy open letter to his loyal fans (aka his dealers and paid porn star pieces).

Charlie directed most of his rage at the show's creator Chuck Lorre (who should really stay away from octagons for a while). This mess sounds like one of Baron Harkonnen's monologues from Dune. From TMZ:

What does this say about Haim Levine [Chuck Lorre] after he tried to use his words to judge and attempt to degrade me. I gracefully ignored this folly for 177 shows ... I fire back once and this contaminated little maggot can't handle my power and can't handle the truth. I wish him nothing but pain in his silly travels especially if they wind up in my octagon. Clearly I have defeated this earthworm with my words -- imagine what I would have done with my fire breathing fists. I urge all my beautiful and loyal fans who embraced this show for almost a decade to walk with me side-by-side as we march up the steps of justice to right this unconscionable wrong.

Remember these are my people ... not yours...we will continue on together...

Charlie Sheen

John Travolta's interest peaked at the whole "fire breathing fists" thing.

Charlie also told Radar that he's taking his octagon and fire breathing fists to HBO and he's close to signing a 10-episode deal for a new show. I'm hoping that Charlie used the Lucida Crazy Ass Bitch font when writing to Radar and his message got lost in translation. Hopefully, Charlie really meant that he's in talks to star in 10 episodes of Intervention, because coked out craziness like this was made for reality TV. Or for the Gaddafi biopic.

The fuck did I just expose my brain to? Speaking of brains, if you scanned Charlie Sheen's brain, the MRI screen would show a group of porn stars in Apocalypse Now drag shooting at turds while crawling through a trench of cocaine. Oh, and they'd have Thomas Jefferson's face on their crotches.

Charlie Sheen called in to Alex Jones' Infowars show today and pretty much spewed a nonsensical river of crazed delusions. Charlie called Thomas Jefferson "a pussy," said AA is a "bootleg cult," claimed that he has cured his "addiction" with his brain, compared himself to Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now and said that Chuck Lorre (the creator of Two and a Half Men) is a turd clown. And that's just the tip of the INSANEBERG.

Charlie makes Tommy Girl look like the epitome of humble, and is pretty much on the same playing field of crazy as Mel Gibson. If you're one of those patient people who calmly nods whenever a crazed crackhead shouts their conspiracy theories into your face on the subway, then you might want to go to TMZ to listen to this mess. But if the ramblings of a mad man cause you to chew your fingers off, then you should just stick to reading what Colonel Kuntz had to say about everything:

Charlie on how he's the perfect human and is no longer denying it: "I'm so tired of pretending like my life isn't just perfect and just winning every second, and I'm not just perfect and bitching and just delivering the goods at every frickin' turn. Look what I'm dealing with, man. I'm dealing with fools and trolls. I'm dealing with soft targets, and it's just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee."

Charlie on how his haters are just jealous because our lives are full of ugliness: "They lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, 'I can't process it.' Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show."

Charlie on how his veins are completely crack free now: "News-flash. I am special and I will never be one of you. The only thing I’m addicted to right now is winning. My success rate is 100%!"

Charlie on AA: "I was shackled and oppressed by the cult of AA for 22 years. I finally extracted myself from their troll hole and started living my life the way I want to live it. It’s vintage, outdated and stupid and it’s followed by STUPID people. I hate them violently. They will come at me. Debate me on AA right now. I have a disease? Bullshit. I cured it right now with my mind. I cured it, I'm done! ”

Charlie on his new girlfriend and porn star family: "Let me say this about the Goddesses, I don't think the term is good enough, but when you're bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best term available. So if you think about it dude, I'm 0-for-3 in marriage, but like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn't lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate, or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I'll leave to the amateurs and bible grippers."

Charlie on how his ex-wife Brooke Mueller doesn't want to hang with him anymore: "And I just gotta add this, there was a whole firestorm about Brooke being a part of our crew. Where there were four, there are now three. Goodbye, Brooke, and good luck in your travels; you're going to need it. Badly … She's not there now and we are and I don't know, winning, anyone? Rhymes with winning? Anyone? Yeah, that would be us. Sorry man, didn't make the rules. Oops."

Charlie on Chuck Lorre: "I violently hate Chaim Levine. He's a stupid, stupid little man and a pussy punk that I'd never want to be like. That's me being polite. That piece of shit [Lorre] took money out of my pocket, my family's pocket, and, most importantly, my second family -- my crew's pocket. You can tell him one thing. I own him."

Never have the words "WHAT. THE. FUCK." been more appropriate. I think bitch has a hernia on his fucking brain.

And on a studio lot in Burbank right now, workers are slathering paint over the "Two" in "Two and a Half Men" and painting "One" in its place.

UPDATE: CBS and Warner Bros. just announced that Charlie will have more time to spend with his porn star family. They are putting Two and a Half Men on pause indefinitely. In a statement to TMZ, CBS and WB said, "Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen's statements, conduct and condition, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of 'Two and a Half Men' for the remainder of the season."

Thomas Jefferson is laughing like a motherfucker right now!

via TMZ, Radar, HuffPo, UsWeekly

Martin Sheen doesn't really understand why people keep making jokes about Charlie Sheen being a porn star eating, crack smoking mound of mess, because to him drug addiction is a disease like cancer and we'd never sit side-saddle on our extra high horses while laughing at someone suffering through chemo. So why are we making fun of Charlie Sheen?! Why aren't we ending our blog posts with "send good thoughts to Charlie." Why aren't we lighting cyber candles of hope for him? WHY!?

Oh, this is going to be good...

While promoting something or another in the UK, the patriarch of the Sheen family was asked by Sky News how Charlie is doing and he took the time to ask all of us to fill his son's empty crack pipe with love. Martin said, "He's doing well. We pray for him. If he had cancer, how would you treat him? This disease of addiction is a form of cancer. You have to have an equal measure of concern and love and lift him up."

The Sky News reporter tugged at Martin's skin to make sure it was not White Oprah wearing a Martin Sheen mask, because I'm surprised that quote didn't jump off of her tongue first. Lift him up? Bitch is already high as all fuck! Damn. You can't lift someone that is flying on a crack cloud above you.

Yes, addiction is a disease, but maybe instead of telling all of us to seriously handle Charlie's addiction with care, Martin should tell the same shit to his son. We're not the ones carrying around a giant sign that reads: "Only smoke crack if you can handle it socially!" Okay, maybe I am carrying around a giant sign that reads exactly that, but only because Charlie promised me a room in his porn palace and a personal check for $30,000 to do so.

Kacey Jordan is back on the troll stroll after telling Charlie Sheen that something other than a 16-inch dildo is knocking at the walls of her womb. Kacey texted Charlie over a week ago letting him know that she's knocked up, but she's pretty sure it isn't his and she's going to take care of it. Well, Kacey took care of it and the world no longer faces the terrifying possibility of being terrorized by a crack-smoking baby who beats up chandeliers and chokes out porn stars with his pudgy hands for stealing his Rolex rattle. Actually, that sorts of sounds adorable in a "the world is ending, so why the fuck not?" kind of way. But that's not going to happen and that's probably for the better.

Kacey tells Radar that even though she doesn't think her unborn baby was made with Charlie's street corner junkie sperm fishes, it could've belonged to another celebrity but she's totally not sure. I'll let Kacey tell you the rest in her own eloquent words:

"I had the abortion last Thursday, I went home to Oregon to have it because that is where I grew up. I was sick and on the couch all day. I think it might have been too soon to be Charlie's baby, but you never know. I get pregnant very easily. Charlie and I tried to use protection... I kept having to put it on again. I don't want people to think I just had sex with him and didn't try to use one. I was just impressed he was able to finish really. A week earlier I had been with another celebrity, so it could of been his, but I can't talk about him because I had to sign a release."

Kacey cares about her pristine image and doesn't want us to look at her as a bareback slut. But yet, she doesn't care if we know that she's had 4 abortions and doesn't know who the father of her last unborn baby was? Directly file this first under: You're not helping the "keep abortion legal" argument so please just eat a cup of birth control pills and STFU.

This little midget trollop is a mess! It's like every Jerry Springer episode fornicated with each other and birthed out Kacey Jordan. Bitch could give Jerry a season worth of shows. I don't know whether I should worship at her feet or stick my fingers in a bowl of hot Hazmat soap every time I type her name. I'm tempted to go with the former after reading this:

"I had a sugar daddy in New Jersey for 5 months, he bought me everything but then, he put the lockdown on me and I felt like I couldn't do anything, and he was in control. You know, you get used to that lifestyle, then you end up having to do everything he says so you can keep it. I want to make my own money so I have freedom.

It is better to have lots of sugar daddies and rotate them. Yes, I want multiple sugar daddies."

What a modern woman Kacey Jordan is. She's too independent to be kept by one man yet she doesn't mind being the pussy slave to multiple dudes. A freelance kept whore! Suddenly, Gloria Steinman's world just got turned upside down. As is Justin Bieber's who can barely wrap his toddler monkey brain around one abortion let alone four.

Think about all the times Denise Richards has walked in on an 18-year-old call girl trying to resuscitate a blacked out Charlie Sheen by blowing crack smoke into his mouth (aka Crackpulmonary Resuscitation)? A LOT. The memory chip in Denise Richards' head must look a lot like Brian De Palma's entire catalog. And yet, Denise always pastes a programmed smile on her face and refuses to drag Charlie through the shit pile whenever anybody asks about him. In the age of ho tricks selling every detail to tabloids for an anal bleaching gift certificate and a Sunset Tan coupon, Denise stays pretty much mute. They don't make hos like Denise anymore.

For instance, Denise is a guest co-host on The View today (they pre-taped that shit yesterday) and Radar says she didn't slam the asshole who signs her child support check when Barbara Walters asked her if his latest act of crackery surprises her.

"No, I mean it doesn't. I mean, you know this is Charlie's lifestyle. He makes no bones about it... and it is what it is. This has been something I have dealt with for years... this is not a new situation. There are times where his life is more colorful than others, more public than others, and as the kids get older it's a difficult thing. I'm learning as I go too. I have never had to deal with this and this was a subject I had hoped to talk with my children about as they got older. But it's hard."

If every bitch was like Denise, the world would be a better place. I snatch that. back No, it wouldn't, because then what would we poke at with our cunt sticks if every person gave a diplomatic Miss America answer to every question? Yeah, fuck that. Then we'd have to sit around and talk about how Denise is starting to resemble Lady Elaine Fairchilde dressed up as Lady from Lady and the Tramp.

Sometimes the thoughts of a crackhead take a while to show up to the launching pad in their brains, which is why Charlie Sheen once again called into The Dan Patrick Show to continue their conversation from yesterday. Charlie had more to say. Charlie swears on his rubber vagina collection that he's never been boozed or high at work. This is a little disturbing to learn since I was under the impression that the only way any of those actors are able to do Two and a Half Men is because they're drunk and high the entire time. The kid included. But I digress.

Since Charlie is a 2-week graduate of his own at-home rehab facility, he felt confident enough to offer some advice to fellow wreck Lindsay Lohan:

"I have some things I think she should consider, cause I don't tell anybody what to do. Work on your impulse control ... just try and think things through a little bit before you do them."

Charlie Sheen should've followed his own advice when Dan Patrick asked him to give some advice to Lindsay Lohan. The fuck. But really, now that we've gotten that shit out of the way, can Dan Patrick please ask Justin Bieber to offer some advice to Kim Jong-il.

via ABC News

Charlie Sheen is an impressively crazy asshole and I wouldn't let him babysit my toilet let alone a thing that breathes in oxygen, but the thing is, he's pretty damn honest. Unlike a certain coke-laced Dorito with the initials LINDSAY LOHAN, Charlie doesn't make excuses for his screwed up behavior and won't disagree with you when you tell him that his daughters will probably become the poster girls for "daddy issues" thanks to his antics. Take his interview today with the Dan Patrick show for instance. Charlie says that he smokes crack, eats bottles of booze whole and watches porn until his dick falls off because he's bored. And because when he's sober, he doesn't feel like he's being true to his true drunk crackhead self.

Dear crack dealers of L.A., pat yourself on your "I did good" place, because you're Charlie's life coaches. You're helping him find his real self by selling him briefcases full of the bad shit. Oprah should give you all a show.

Here's bits of the foolery that poured out of Charlie's mouth hole this morning. I can almost picture him talking on his cell phone in the ATM vestibule of a Chase while his eyes dart everywhere like a trapped bird and his hand shakes like Xtina's vocal cords. You know, because all crackheads have their best conversations in an ATM vestibule.

Charlie on how he showed up to the set of Two and a Half Men, but they told him to take his crack-infused hernia home: "They said, 'You get ready and we'll get ready.' And I got ready and went back and nobody's there. I don't know what to tell you ... I'm here and I'm ready. They're not. Bring it, you know?"

Charlie on how the network kept pointing at the "moral clause" in his contract: "Nit pick, nit pick, but I don't think [the clause] covers, 'Let us totally dominate and interfere with your personal life.' I have a contract. They said, 'Get your act together,' and I did."

Charlie on how some people are shouting a giant "AS IF" at his sudden recovery: "I heal really quickly, but I also unravel pretty quickly. So get me right now, guys. Get me right now!"

Charlie on why he smokes crack: "Boredom. Wanting to make things better – whether it's real or imagined. I was sober for five years a long time ago and was just bored out of my tree."

Charlie on how his pee is clean now, but he still doesn't feel at home being sober: "It's inauthentic --it's not who I am."

Charlie on his advice to those who want to smoke crack: " Avoid crack, unless you can manage it socially."

That last line should really be taught in schools. What I think Charlie means by that is, smoke crack if you can do it without annoying the shit out of those around you. And all the crackies I've come in contact with have proven that this is an impossible task.

via UsWeekly

And every stork just nose dived into the damn ground. Kacey Jordan, the 22-year-old fuck film star who got a $30,000 check from Charlie Sheen during his massive crack & cooch party, has found her womb full of something other than tears from her other organs, crack smoke and 31 flavors of rogue jizz. Kacey is pregnant with a fetus who rapidly developed a face just so that it could make a "FUCK MY LIFE" expression.

TMZ bought the text from Kacey's not right ass with a gift certificate to the free clinic magically got a hold of a text message that Kacey sent to Charlie Sheen telling him that she's knocked up and doesn't "think" the baby is his. TMZ's sources say that Charlie wrapped his crack dick up in a condom before humping on Kacey, but they were both so fucked up that she's not sure if they did it right. Charlie shouldn't worry about Kacy's name being added to his payroll under "baby mamas," because if any of his sperm fish managed to stumble down her crotch alley, I doubt they made it to the right place. Those jizz fishes were so cracked out that they wandered around and begged anything they came in contact with for a quarter or 25 cents. And it's not like they'd have the strength to break through an egg. If anything, they probably just passed out on top.

Charlie has yet to say anything about this, and Kacey is going to get an abortion in the next few days. In case you wanted to know. It's sort of a sad shame, because what baby wouldn't want to crawl into the kitchen and find his mother with lube in her hair, a coke haze in her eyes and a mouth that is throwing out the words, "You want some Wonder Breads, baby?"