Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen washed the layers of grease out of his hair with Palmolive, changed into another product placement shirt and got better lighting for what he said is his fourth and final episode of Sheen's Korner. I just watched Charlie's cracked out State of the Union and it felt like I hacked into someone's World of Warcraft game. This is the kind of poetry I just don't understand. It's as if Shakespeare freebased opium on a tin spoon while writing Macbeth. At one point, I expected Charlie to drop to his knees and scrub at his hands while reciting the line: "Out, damn'd spot! Out, I SAY!" If the whole "making everyone's brains say HUH?" thing doesn't work out for Charlie, he should perform a one-crackie version of Macbeth on the subway platform. That's his calling.

Charlie goes after the same usual troll suspects including Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre and CBS head Les Moonves (or Goonves as Charlie has dubbed him). Charlie has this to say about Chuck: "Hi ya Chuck-E-Cheese ball. Where ya hiding silly clown? Behind your narcissism, your greed, your hatred of yourself or women? Which personality are you cowering beneath for transparent cover? I see you you little worm. I see you behind your plastic smile, your bitchy pout and your desperate need to be liked. Forget love, that ship sailed when you were born. To use one of your stupid and unfunny jokes. Good luck with those tin cans shit brain. and the mush mouth of some pathetic carcass you so arrogantly attempted to trade out for this warlock. Think of me often, loser, during your most quiet moments. All alone in the world, staring into the mirror, your least favorite activity. Think of me as you pray to the silly God of AA."

See what I mean? The Queen's English has been dipped in crazy sauce. I swear, that's the kind of melodramatic theatrical monologue you usually only see at the Renaissance Faire. Charlie should've stuck roses in our cleavage and served turkey drumsticks before giving his speech.

Radar has the entire transcript if you need a riveting monologue to perform in front of your community college theater class today.

In other Chronicles of Tiger Blood news, People says that Charlie's twin boys have no idea that their father now has the sanity of a bat's diaper. Charlie has also called Jon Cryer a "troll and a turncoat" and admits to Life & Style that he's losing his mind. Yes, LOST! Even though Charlie's mind is already plastered on a milk carton and an amber alert has been issued, let's just let him believe that.

And can we go back to talking about cow farts instead?

That machete-wielding leather duffel bag of crazy who slurped on a bottle of Tiger's Blood (ingredients: grenadine syrup, blended NicoDerm patches and crack pipe residue) on the roof of the Live Nation building in Beverly Hills yesterday? Yeah, that was just Charlie Sheen celebrating getting fired from Two and a Half Men. Yes, Gnarly Sheen is about to begin the "Green Umbrella Attack" portion of his meltdown. Also known as: "winking at Code 5150." When Charlie got to the roof, a crowd formed on the sidewalk below and started to cheer as the dehydrated turtle crackhead chanted, "FREE AT LAST! FREE AT LAST!" Martin Luther King Jr. is too busy shaking his head, so will somebody go down to Atlanta and roll his bones for him?

Charlie once again vowed that he's going to sue Warner Bros. for gazillions, bazillions and katrillions of dollars for breach of contract. Warner Bros. is planning to file their own lawsuit against Charlie for all the money they lost for canceling the season (and possibly the whole damn) show early. Charlie has got a dull machete in his hands and he's ready to fight. Charlie told Access Hollywood yesterday that when this is all done, he'll wear their yellow roach shells as veneers.

"Here's another thing — these guys are such yellow cockroaches that they didn't even have the decency to call me. I put 5 bill in their cheap suit pockets and another half a bil' in what's-his-cheese's pockets and this is the… respect I get? It's just deplorable and they should be ashamed of themselves!

It is what it is. I'm more worried about my children right now than any of this nonsense, you know.

If this is what it had to come to, to get me out of those silly shirts, then so be it. So maybe I'll wear one, just on the final day when I go and remove all of their bazillions."

You know who should be ashamed of himself? CHARLIE for smiling when his grill looks like it was involved in a head-on collision with a semi-truck carrying meth. The only thing his mouth ever won was a plastic gold necklace from a Cracker Jack box and second place in a Smiles of Meth beauty contest. If Flavor Flav had anal dentata, it would look just like Charlie Sheen's mouth. And on an even sadder note...

Here's the latest episode of "Sheen's Korner" that was uploaded last night. Charlie doesn't talk about getting fired, but he continues to go on about trolls...

This sad mess makes an episode of Intervention look like a G-rated movie that the entire family can enjoy together. Jesus be Martin Sheen with a hot meal, a vitamin shot and a signed 5150.

Warner Bros. TV has officially turned the highest-paid actor in television into the most annoying warlock crackhead in line at the unemployment office. They have snatched the winning hash tag out of Charlie Sheen's hands by writing "DUH! BUH BYE" in sloth blood on his pink slip. The "maggot trolls" of Warner Bros. issued this statement:

"After careful consideration, Warner Bros. Television has terminated Charlie Sheen’s services on Two and a Half Men effective immediately."

Charlie continued to sound like he writes Choose Your Own Adventure novels in his spare time when he spewed out his response:

"This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension."

Can Charlie continue to use "winning" even when he's been fired by CBS, fired by sanity, fired by his publicist, fired by Brooke Mueller, and fired (for a quick second) by Bree Olson?

CBS hasn't said whether or not Two and a Half Men will continue to terrorize, but I see no reason to put Jon Cryer and that kid out of a job. They should do what the producers of Valerie's Family did when Valerie Harper quit that bitch: HIRE SANDY DUNCAN! If anybody can save a show, it's Sandy Duncan! One and a Half Men Plus SANDY DUNCAN! Add it to your Tivo wish list just in case.

You would think that Sheen's Korner would be a place of endless LOL sermons and crackhead theatrics, but it turns out it's about as entertaining as a dude in a chicken suit twirling an "OPEN HOUSE" sign for a new tract housing development (no offense to dudes in chicken suits twirling an "OPEN HOUSE" sign for a new tract housing development). Charlie Sheen ended his week-long media tour of fuckery last night on a sad boring note when he hosted "Sheen's Korner" on Ustream. Charlie recited some dumb poem, told his kids he missed them, flashed his "winning" tattoo and announced his new Tiger Blood drink, but it all looked like a cumless cum shot to me.

The word "winning" is about to file a restraining order against Charlie and tigers are lining up to to get dog blood transfusions. Winning has officially become losing. The only drinking game for this mess is that every time Charlie or one of his minions says the word "winning" your soul will take a shot of its own vomit. It also doesn't help that Charlie looks like the Crypt Keeper version of Matt Drudge. Charlie needs to turn off the red siren and stop.

And instead of wasting minutes of your time on Charlie's mess, you might want to watch Bill Hader's impersonation of Charlie Sheen from last night's SNL.

If you're a teenage blonde porn star who isn't allergic to cats, can't pronounce the word "losing" and have the tolerance of a methadone clinic worker when it comes to crazed rants, Charlie Sheen has just the position for you! The "es" from "goddesses" has quit this bitch now that Bree Olson (government name: Rachel Marie Oberlin) has become a refuge goddess by fleeing from Charlie's octagon for saner pastures. Charlie didn't give say what was on Bree's resignation letter, but I'm guessing she realized that being a crack whore is a lot more fun than being a member of the warlock harem. I mean, a bitch can only take so much "winning" before she starts to lose.it. Duh buh bye.

Charlie's mission to win the world with his non-existent superhero powers will continue on without Goddess Bree! Charlie tells Access Hollywood that he's going to join forces with Sean Penn and bring his aftershock of crack damaged fuckery to Haiti very soon. Charlie said, "We're going to do a couple things first and then it looks like we're heading down [to Haiti]. I'm excited as hell because, you know, if I can bring the attention of the world down there, then clearly this tsunami keeps cresting!"

Instead of echoing the voices of the Haitian people by screaming, "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!", Sean Penn tells UsWeekly that there's a seat on his tugboat with Charlie's name on it (technically, one of Sean's workers carved "fucknut" into the seat during a break, but it works)! Sean fully embraces Charlie into his group of saviors, "I think his energies, intelligence and passion could be both of service and servicing to him, as it is to all who are touched by the struggle of the Haitian people. Charlie is one of the very few public people who cannot be accused of using the media to his own benefit. I would very much like to show my old friend the world of needs on the ground in Haiti, and introduce him and his tremendous wit to our hard working Haitian staff. If he chooses to give support, I'll trust it."

What Sean really means by that is that Charlie's goddess can smuggle in enough bad shit for all of them in her chocha.

You know, at first I was like, "They've been through eeeeeenooooough!!!!!" And then I thought about it for a second and was like, "No really, they've been through eeeeeenough!!!" But this is never going to happen. Haiti has a strict law that all creatures with feline blood in their veins must be quarantined for at least 6 months (give or take, a few decades) before being allowed to the country. And the Charlie Sheen drug is strictly prohibited. So Charlie can unpack his mercury surfboard's trunk full of cigarettes, because he's not going.

Wait, unless Charlie meant HADES instead of Haiti? If that's the case, forget everything I said and carry on.

UPDATE: Well, that lasted about as long as a hit of crack (hmmm). Rip up your application, because Bree Olson is a goddess again.

A warlock who's a blood relative of Tony the Tiger sounds like a character you might rent for your kid's birthday party, but Denise Richards isn't about to leave her daughters inside the octagon fortress of duh winning. Besides a few Tweets her and there, Denise has kept her lips shut on the Sheenanigans of Charlie. However, TMZ says that Denise would rather let a coagulated tiger blood ball and a warlock's anus take care of her 6-year-old and 5-year-old than let them spend a second with Charlie Sheen.

Apparently, Denise believes what Brooke Mueller said about how Charlie proclaimed his hate for her and told his goddesses that he wanted to shave her head off. Denise believes it, because when she turned down Charlie's invitation for a family portrait (including Brooke, her twin boys and the goddesses), he released his rage on her in the form of several text messages. Denise also has reason to believe that one of Charlie's goddesses is still hitting that crack pipe.

Denise is doing the right thing. Charlie is currently fiery fists deep in an epic battle against the maggots and trolls, and we all know that a war zone is no place for little girls. And by that I mean Charlie might throw another tantrum when they bring their Barbie dolls out into the garden while his warlock action figure throws "pow pow pows" at actual maggots in the soil.

Denise also doesn't have to worry about Charlie for a while. Right after he jumped on his mercury surfboard and rode it all the way to Asia, he was captured by the Japanese.

And here I was thinking that it would take a media blackout to turn Charlie Sheen's #winning into #losing when it really just takes a stick and a volleyball net.

via Videogum

Everyone's new favorite warlock who spits out Sheenisms under a Twitter bridge (the crazy racked up 740,000 followers in less than 24 hours) was temporarily stripped of custody of his twin boys, Bob and Max, after their mother Brooke Mueller declared to the court that he threatened to cut off her head and send it to her mom. And I'm sure he was planning to do it with a shrimp fork he stole from a buffet.

Charlie says that just as he and his goddesses were about to put Bob and Max to bed, the police knocked on his fortress of winning and demanded that he had them over under court order. Radar has the video of one of Charlie's twins feeding him pieces of an apple (even the baby knows his ass needs to eat something) before he puts them in the police car. Charlie didn't burn the cops with his candle hands (like Lumiere on the wrong kind of meth) or stun them with the rainbow laser beams that shoot out of his eyes on command. Charlie calmly handed them over, said "see you later" and let them go home to Brooke. But he did add that "tiger blood drips from his fangs" now.

According to TMZ, the court documents filed by Brooke last night states that at his home in the Bahamas on February 23rd, Charlie threatened to poke out one of her eyes with a penknife. That is why Brooke dropped out of Charlie's Goddesses and left the Bahamas for California. The judge ordered that Charlie must stay at least 100 yards away from Brooke and their sons. Brooke said this in a statement:

"I am very concerned that [Sheen] is currently insane. I am in great fear that he will find me and attack me and I am in great fear for the children's safety while in his care."

Charlie was on Today this morning where he said that he's going to go to court to try to kill the restraining order and get his sons back. Charlie wants someone from Brooke's camp (or Brooke herself) to come to his house and spend time with his goddesses so that they know it's not the situation we all think it is. They're not smoking crack with one hand while feeding the boys with the other. They're not playing Tonka trunks with the boys while sucking on Charlie's perma soft crack noodle. It would be impressive if they were, because every skilled nanny must be able to successfully multi-task. But Charlie says this isn't happening and his home life isn't damaging to his boys at all.

While Charlie thinks his home would get the thumbs up from SuperNanny, he thinks Brooke's wouldn't. Brooke admitted to the court that she's in day treatment for drug addiction and her mom takes care of the boys while she gets her shit together. However, Charlie says that she's still on the bad shit and that's why he snuffed out her crack pipe and voted her out of the Bahamas.

In another interview with Radar, Charlie and "Goddess Natty" shows us pictures they took in the Bahamas of cocaine they say Brooke bought. The mouth of Charlie says that Brooke is hooked on Norco and continued to smoke crack even though he asked her to stop. Charlie threw out a message to Brooke at the end of the video, "How dare you? How dare you? You’re a better parent than me? Shame on you. Your day is coming and it’s coming fast.”

If you watch the video at Radar, you'll see for yourself that Charlie Sheen is like Christian Bale's character in The Fighter but with endless amounts money. Seriously, Christian Bale should just hand over his Oscar to Charlie, because Dr. Clown Shoes Winning is doing it better. And Christian Bale's Asian crack ho in The Fighter is a goddess from Mars compared to Natty. Natty's face looks like the wet part of a sore scab. Hair so dry that not even a malnourished goat would chew on that shit! I would say that Natty looks more like God's ass instead of a goddess, but that would be sacrilegious, wrong and untrue. I'm sure God's ass is a work of beauty and Natty is a work of hard living and empty conditioner bottles. Watching Charlie and Natty fuck is probably like watching a lizard fish scratch its back on a dead piece of coral. Just wrong.

And now I leave you with a quote from Charlie's interview with People: "It's not an act. Here's the good news: If I realize that I'm insane, then I'm okay with it. I'm not dangerous insane."

(Image via TMZ)

Here's Charlie Sheen in the picture he posted for his third Tweet on his brand new verified Twitter account. Yes, Charlie wants to spread his maniacal warlock sermons of crazy on all mediums, so of course he's burning the Twitter Bird's b-hole with his fire breathing fists. But one ho who is no longer going to feel the heat from Charlie's fists (...that...image...I...know) is his ex-wife Brooke Mueller.

It was just a hot second ago when Brooke was on a private plane to the Bahamas with Charlie, but today she took out a restraining order against him. Brooke has jumped over the wall of the octagon and has taken her stolen shrimp fork elsewhere. TMZ says that Brooke claims Charlie made several threats against her and she's afraid he's going to relive the magic and love of Christmas by pulling a knife on her throat. Charlie must now direct his mercury surfboard to stay at least 100 yards away from Brooke. When asked about the restraining order, Duh McWinning shrugged and said, "Great. I was already planning on staying 100 parsecs away from her."

Radar is also reporting that Charlie is trying to get full custody of their twin boys, because he doesn't think Brooke is fit enough to care for their kids. At this point those kids would be better off being raised by actual trolls with alley cat blood whose fists breath cigarette ash and who only know how to say the word "LOSING!"

From Charlie peering over that mess of a craft project poster like a cracked out Wilson to the news that he wants full custody of his boys, I just can't process anymore. So I'm just going to slowly back away from this for the day and go and use a free porn site password someone gave me. Free porn site password that works = WINNING!

(And thanks to everybody who sent me the Charlie Sheen quote generator. It's not the same if it doesn't come out of the mouth of a shaky turtle warlock)

If you've got a recording device, Charlie Sheen's got the time. The long-lost crack child of Tony the Tiger and Julian Sands has been putting his crack-scratched vocal cords to work by giving interviews to Today (airing all week), Good Morning America (see previous) and 20/20 (airing Friday). Last night, Charlie sat down across from the British shell that covers Larry King's carcass. When Piers Morgan wasn't chupa-ing on Carlos' warlock anus, he was asking the usual questions (click here for the full interview). But thankfully, Charlie didn't give the usual answers.

How CBS hasn't re-titled Two and a Half Men to Two and a Half Crack Baggies and named Charlie Sheen as their head writer is beyond me. The magic beans that pour out of Charlie's mouth hole make you want to laugh, cry and punch yourself in the brain at the same time. Here's a few quotes from last night's talk with Piers. It's times like this that I miss Larry King (the original warlock), because Charlie would've spent the entire hour trying to seduce him over to the octagon with his Firestarter fists and shit.

And I'm presenting these quotes without context, because it's probably easier to understand that way:

"I have not. No, no. Women are not meant to be hit. They're to be hugged and caressed."

"There was an incident years ago where everyone thought I hit her. I was trying to contain her. I had her arms and we both went down to the ground. Her initials are B.A., I'll give you that much. I don't want to make the whole thing about her. I felt terrible and delivered her to a plastic surgeon and everybody said I hit her and no.... I feel bad about that one. She was attacking me, though, with, like a, a small fork. Like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her, that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet.”

"It's been a tsunami of media and I've been riding it on a mercury surfboard."

"The reason it went bad is because I don't do pills. I don't take opiates, I don't do benzos or any of that psychotropic nonsense. I used to [take cocaine]. I've gotta be careful because that's like lawsuits and things that went on. Well, yeah. I'm not taking it. I had to pay for it. Well, um, I hadn't done any for a while, like 7 hours, but I had this hernia thing that was popping out."

"I won't take [pain pills], so I maybe hit the vodka a little too hard to reduce the pain."

"That was an old brain, I have a new brain. I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That's how I describe myself."

"And then it was like, 'You must let me impose my will on your face.' And it was like, woah dude."

"I was joking about being underpaid but to come back for a 10th season... Eh, that's all negotiable. You can't talk about this stuff on television. I don't know. I was on crack. Where's Dr. Drew when you need him?"

How fucking damn irresponsible of Gnarly Sheen! How dare he?! The surgeon general has already warned us that Charlie's boogers are considered an illegal substance and a stimulant not unlike meth. Great. Lock down the grade schools before Parasite Hilton starts snorting on the nostrils of second graders. If 50% of 7-year-olds contract HVP warts in their nasal cavities, it's all Charlie's fault!

And here's a clip of Charlie and his goddesses:

I knew Bree Olson was THAT KIND! You know, that kind of shifty ho who always keeps her bomber jacket on indoors. They're always ready to steal your shrimp forks and run out of there. You can't trust a bitch who refuses to take off her bomber jacket. Although, if I was one of Charlie's goddesses, I'd keep my bomber jacket on too....even during hugging and caressing sessions.

By the way, I think we finally found a face that is too meth-ey for the Faces of Meth poster.

(Image source: AV Club via TDW)

Stan Rosenfield would like to keep the hair he has left safe from Charlie Sheen's fire-breathing fists, so he has joined the mound of maggot trolls by leaving the octagon for good. As his former client would say, Stan is definitely WINNING. Well, he'll start WINNING as soon as he comes down from his Charlie Sheen addiction by spending the day with Jon Cryer (nothing will take you to a new level of soberness like watching Jon iron his socks and organize the flavored oatmeal in his pantry).

TMZ says that right after their backyard interview with Charlie, Stan wrote his own pink slip and said that he cares about him very much but, "I’m unable to work effectively as his publicist and have respectfully resigned."

During Charlie's interview with TMZ he confessed that Stan lied for him during the whole "locked up hooker" scandal by saying that he was suffering from allergies when we all knew that he had a major case of coke fever.

Here's the first part of TMZ's ongoing Conversations with a Crackie series starring Charlie Sheen, his goddesses and Afro Sheen. Basically, it's a bunch of Friday characters who ended up on the cutting room floor.

And here's part two!

This is the first time I've actually been happy to see a Winnie the Pooh cookie jar. Too bad Charlie uses it as an ash tray and a condom can. Actually, Winnie might be into that sucio shit. WINNIE-ING!