Charlie Sheen

While Brooke Mueller dries out (or snorts lines of Sanka) with Lindsay Lohan in Betty Ford, her lawyers are trying to get a judge to pull her twin boys out of Denise Richards' arms, because she wants her brother to take care of them instead. Almost two weeks ago, social services found some suspect shit at Brooke Mueller's house and the Sheen twins were taken away and given to Denise Richards temporarily. Denise expected to take care of the boys until Brooke cleaned herself up. But TMZ says that Brooke wants her brother to have custody of her 4 year olds and her decision has everything to do with MONAY!

According to TMZ, Charlie Sheen is onto Broke Mule's schemes and thinks she only wants her brother to have custody of the twins, because she doesn't want to let go of the $55k she gets in child support a month. Charlie's lawyers are in court today to EXPOSE Brooke's scheme. Brooke's lawyers will argue that Denise is the gold digging twat who is using her twins to get that monthly check.

TMZ's source says that Charlie has offered to give Denise money to take care of his twins, but she turned him down and doesn't want one penny from him. Denise also has text messages from Brooke where Brooke admits that she needs those child support checks.

Denise has taken care of the Sheen twins for a long period of time before, so let's see.... The boys can either stay in a home they know or they can be ripped out of yet another house and put into a different one. Brooke Mueller is so damn dumb. There's clearly an easy way for her to get everything she wants: a $55,000 check every month and zero parental responsibility. All she has to do is let Denise Richards keep custody of her boys and tell Denise that if she doesn't hand over $55,000 every month, she'll text her this picture every morning:

Nobody wants to live under that kind of fear. Denise's only response would be, "What's your account and routing number?"

And here's pictures from earlier this year of Brooke looking like a mash-up of Axl Rose and Russell Brand.

Denise Richards better be showing Brooke Mueller an episode of The World According To Paris (aka TWAT P) on her phone and telling that mess to look at her life choices.

Radar says that socials workers from Children and Family Services in L.A. have yanked Brooke Mueller's twins, Bob and Max, out of her care and not only because she wears jeans like that out in public. Brooke Mueller is still hooked on the bad shit and I guess those judgy social workers think that it's wrong to let her kids play with her used crack pipe, so away the twins went. Since Charlie Sheen is a disaster himself and shouldn't even be allowed to take care of a piece of dried up foreskin, the twins were given to Denise Richards AGAIN. Radar's source said this about the whole mess:

“Brooke was given many opportunities by social workers to clean up her act. Social workers felt that Bob and Max weren’t safe in Brooke’s care. The decision was made late on Thursday afternoon, and the boys are no longer in Brooke’s care. It’s expected at some point the boys will be taken care of by Charlie Sheen’s ex-wife, Denise Richards, who has cared for them in the past when Brooke went to rehab. She (Richards) loves the boys & their safety and well being mean everything to her. Bob & Max are safe & that is all the matters. Denise is simply complying with the court order."

Who knew that the former robot call girl would turn out to be a savior to all of Charlie Sheen's kids and transform her house into an orphanage for mistreated and down-and-out Sheen kids? Denise Richards should take care of Charlie Sheen's adopted crackhead daughter Lindsay Lohan next. Denise is obviously a good parent, because I'm guessing she's the one who taught that little girl how to throw a side-eye that all the kids in the playground will run from.

Here's pictures from last year of messy ass Brooke and Denise hanging out in Malibu. Yes, I've already gotten on my knees and worshiped the peroxide and neon beauty in the background.

This is why you should always dip your contacts (which are basically condoms for your eyes) in liquid antibiotics and put that shit on your eyeballs before you turn on the internet.

Everybody at last night's Scary Movie 5 premiere in Hollywood now know what scientists see when they look at pus from a popped syphilis pimple under a microscope. Charlie Sheen kept the free clinic in business by planting his lips on Lindsay Lohan's face as they posed on the red carpet. Shortly after that picture was taken, the left side of bitch's face started to droop, because it saw what was happening to the right side and it was trying to slip out of there before it was too late. But besides LiLo's half-melted face, she actually looks kind of good for LiLo. Charlie Sheen on the other hand looks like burnt egg whites in a beaver wig.

And of course, LiLo was late and showed up 30 minutes before the red carpet ended. LiLo's excuse was that she was at the dentist, which is a totally valid excuse. LiLo figures that since she's going to Coachella this weekend, she's probably going to booze her veneers off, so she got a new set made and they'll be ready on Monday. LiLo is always thinking ahead.

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richard's daughter Sam had to leave her school for good, because she was being bullied by a 9-year-old girl and the school didn't do anything about it. So how did Charlie Sheen handle the situation? Charlie told all of his Twitter followers to write the name of his daughter's bully in dog shit on the front door of the Viewpoint School in Calabasas, CA. Isn't that what all parents would do? Here's Charlie being as sane and reasonable as always:

CADRE!
This is a legitimate call to arms.
my daughter Sam was bullied out of Viewpoint school and then called a liar.
it's on!
if you have a rotted egg
a roll of toilet paper
or some dog shit;
I urge u to deliver it with "extreme prejudice"
to their KamPuss run by trolls and charlatans.
make me proud.
we will not tolerate this level of
abhorrent disrespect towards the child of your favorite Warlock.
And if your feeling the
"show and tell" of it all,
smear the shit to spell one name on the front door;
VICTORIA.
eat that loser.
c
hashtag HYLMN?

TMZ says that the 9-year-old girl was teasing Sam about everything including her mess of a dad and Denise Richards had several meetings at the school about it. Getting teased made Sam physically sick and she couldn't go to school anymore. During Denise's last meeting with the school and the bully's parents,  they all accused Sam of making it all up and telling lies.

It's sad that I think it's progress when the only thing hitting the walls of a school is a piece of dog shit. And if Charlie really wants to make the school suffer, he should send them something much worse than a pile of dog caca. He should send them the Anger Management DVD box set.

Over the weekend, Charlie Sheen continued to use LiLo's name to get some free publicity by openly declaring that he wants to take LiLo under his cracked out wing and show her the way. Charlie proclaimed his love for LiLo and said that they are practically the same, because he's the kind of john who will pay a hooker $1,000 to snort a bump of coke out of his butt with her cooch and she's the kind of hooker who will snort a bump of coke out of a john's butt with her cooch for $1,000. They're soulmates. But TMZ says that LiLo is telling her friends that Charlie is not going to be her life coach and he needs to shut his damn mouth:

Sources close to LiLo tell TMZ ... while she appreciates everything Sheen has done for her -- and he's done a lot -- she would NEVER take him as a mentor. She's saying she knows her life is "out of control," but doesn't think the precept, "It takes one to know one," is the way to go.

She says she's grateful Charlie gave her $100k for her back taxes and supported her in "Scary Movie 5." Lindsay says she talks to Charlie from time to time ... but gripes he has no business talking about her to the media.

According to our sources, Lindsay has been regularly meeting with a therapist and feels the consistency has helped.

LiLo hasn't stabbed a psychic in the neck with a broken bottle in over a week and she knows being around Charlie isn't the best thing for her, so maybe this therapist (aka her week night dealer) is helping her after all. I mean, Charlie's backyard pool is filled with the bad shit, vodka pours out of every faucet in his house, his bidet shoots out liquid meth and next to every tub is a bag full of bath salts (the drug, not the skin soother) and LiLo turned all of that down. LiLo could've lived in the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory of crack houses, but she said no.

Or maybe she had her one moment of clarity and realized that sucking on Charlie's soggy tampon dick for unlimited supplies of coke is not worth it. She'll get her own coke herself. Either way, our little crackie is growing up!

Seen her in Dublin telling the paps about the first time he gazed deep up into Lindsay Lohan's black hole of cooch, Charlie Sheen is telling TMZ that he wants to be LiLo's permanent Captain-Save-A-Ho and he thinks he'd be the perfect mentor. Yeah, I don't know if Charlie wants to be her actual mentor or if he's confusing the meaning of "mentor" with the meaning of "pimp" again. If it's the latter, he'll have to win LiLo by pimp fighting White Oprah near the dumpsters in back of the T.G.I. Friday's on Long Island.

Charlie has already bailed a ho out by giving LiLo $100,000 to pay her taxes and he gave her a guest spot on his show Anger Management,  and now he's telling TMZ that he wants to help that freckled vodka stain full-time. LiLo's cracked out knight in aluminum foil armor shat out these words to TMZ about helping out a fellow fuck-up:

"I have a kinship with somebody [Lindsay] who clearly needs a mentor, whether she wants one or not. She can continue to hang out with her dress shredding club buddies, or turn to me for some advice from a guy who's been down the road as well as every other side trail on the journey. If she listens, she'll win. If she doesn't, that's on her."

I love her, I respect her, and I've never laid a finger on her that wasn't on film. How ya like me now, America?"

Never laid a finger on her? That bandaged thumb tells me otherwise, because any finger that touches LiLo's crotch gets burned. And that whole line translates into, "Well, she sucked me off once, so technically I am telling the truth. No fingers were involved."

LiLo should take him up on his offer, because why the hell not? Spending at least 5 minutes with LiLo's annoying ass will make Charlie snort up every line of coke in the L.A. area and he'll pass out. Then while he's knocked out, LiLo can get into his computer and wire everything in his checking account to her account on the Caymans. It'll be her greatest heist yet.

But really, you know you've found the rock bottom of rock bottom when Charlie Sheen thinks he can help you to be a responsible and sober person.

And here's Charlie, his stack of foreskin chins and his piece of the moment Georgia Jones in his Dublin, Ireland last night.

Charlie Sheen already gave Lindsay Lohan $100,00, because he thinks he's Hollywood's premiere Captain-Save-A-Ho and he has a soft spot for train wrecky hos in need. (You know what I mean by "soft spot." I'll leave it at that.) TMZ says that LiLo still owes the IRS over $100,000 and now the State of California is coming at her, because she didn't give them any tax money in 2011. They want over $56,000 from her. So what is a train wrecky ho in need to do? Bitch probably called up Daddy Charlie and he told her she had to work for it this time.

When Charlie tells a ho that she has to work for that money, that's her cue to get naked and grab the donkey, the latex gloves, the tub of Crisco, the midget twins, the anal speculum and the dildo gas mask. But this time, Charlie meant that LiLo has to get to work on his basic cable show. Deadline says that LiLo will play herself on an episode of FX's Anger Management. In the episode that airs in April, LiLo gets down with Charlie after meeting him in therapy. So this is the second time that LiLo and Charlie will get into bed together in front of the cameras (private sex tapes they made together don't count.)

The last thing people need to see is LiLo and Charlie kissing, because I'm sure it looks just like a malnourished salamander nibbling on an uncooked turkey burger. Nobody wants to see that. Save it for American Horror Story. Instead of airing the actual episode, they should air the making of the episode. I really want to see Charlie scream his hairpiece off when LiLo locks herself in her trailer and refuses to come out, because she doesn't like the tone of the script.

Since this is the second time Lohan and Sheen are working together, we can officially call them the Tracy and Hepburn of our time! And "Lohan Sheen" sounds like a fancy name for the coke sweats. Perfect!

Seen below looking like a cracked out troll making sweet love to the air, Charlie Sheen was on Letterman last night to promote the next 90 episodes of Anger Management (not joking) and while he was there he let the world know that he's going to be grandpapa soon. Apparently, Charlie has a 28-year-old daughter named Cassandra Estevez and she's knocked up with his first grandchild. I don't know whether to feel pity or jealousy toward the newborn baby who will get second hand high from inhaling Charlie's crack smoke breath.

Charlie told David Letterman (via UsWeekly) that he knows the world is going to be an even weirder place when he becomes a grandaddy:

"Me as a grandfather, Dave...I don't know. It's like the world's going to crack in half. It's fabulous. It's just not a title I'm ready to adopt."

All jokes aside, Charlie Sheen is going to be the greatest pepaw ever. On your 16th birthday, your grandpa probably gave you a recycled birthday card with two one dollar bills in it. On Charlie's grandkid's 16th birthday, he's going to give them a cashiers check for $100,000 and a gift card to the Bunny Ranch if he's a boy and a gift card for silicone titty sacks if she's a girl. When you spent the day with your grandparents, you probably spent it watching old Matlock episodes on Beta tape while eating a cold Hungry Man meal (or if you were me, you spent it watching telenovelas while trying to eat a leftover enchilada that fused with its Styrofoam container, because my abuelita left it in the microwave too long). When Charlie's grandkid spends the day with him, they will spend it playing chicken with porn stars in a pool full of vodka.

And I bet Charlie won't even be mad with his grandkid when they want to play with his dentures. Best grandpa ever!

Ugh Charlie. Just when I start to think you are a nice guy who bails fellow crackheads out of their IRS trouble and donates the rest of your Scary Movie 5 salary to charity, you go and pull this stupid stunt. BOOOOOO. At the opening of the club he co-owns at the El Ganza hotel in Cabo, brilliantly named Sheenz with a Z (insert eye roll here), Charlie Sheen drops an F bomb on the crowd. No, not the glorious FUCK word, which nobody would have given an eff about. YEAH, that one.

NY Daily News has the story, and you can watch the video here on TMZ where Chuck (or as I lovingly refer to him "Upchuck" now amended to "ShutTheFuckUpchuck") yells this to the crowd, which is notably NOT on board with what the fuck he just said judging from the lackluster response.

"How we doing? Lying bunch of f---got asssholes, how we doing?"

Adorable. He immediately apologized for the slur and said he was not trying to offend and that he meant to say "maggots" but he has a lisp. What a lame as fuck excuse. You have a lisp of the brains Charlie, just go do another fat rail off a couple of rented piece's assholes and stop making appearances that aren't pre-taped and edited. Slash showed up and played a set for the club opening, which Charlie by all reports hosted beautifully right up to the point he put his foot in his mouth up to his hipbone (BONUS, I can suck my own dick now! Shit, still cokey and flaccid, and tastes like Lindsay Lohan. ~ Charlie).

Here's the trailer for the movie where Lindsay Lohan refused to put her mouth on Charlie Sheen's mouth, because if their saliva mixed together, a super-resistant monster STD strain would be born and bitch is already in enough trouble with the CDC. In LiLo's last movie, she pretty much made fun of Elizabeth Taylor by playing her and in Scary Movie 5 she makes fun of herself. While parodying Paranormal Activity, LiLo and Charlie try to make a sex tape, but can't, because her sobriety monitor, tracking anklet and dog shock collar are in the way. TMZ says that (SPOILER ALERT if you care) LiLo ends up running Charlie Sheen over with her car and blames it on somebody else. Only LiLo can collect a check for making fun of how she constantly butt fucks the California Justice System without lube.

And it was a nice touch putting a half-melted, bronzer-covered Scream mask over LiLo's face for all her scenes.