Make That Money

Above is a picture of future Oscar winner Vivienne Jolie-Pitt sitting, holding a blanket, looking to the side and breathing, and she's probably doing more work there than she did on the job that put at least $3,000 into her coin purse. Vivienne Jolie-Pitt beat out THOUSANDS of baby actresses no one when she won a role as the young Elle Fanning in Angie Jolie's movie Maleficent. Vivienne landed the role when the casting director looked at her resume and the only thing on it was: "Accomplishments - Coming out of Angelina Jolie's vagina. You know, the woman who is solely responsible for you getting a fucking pay check every week. Cast me, bitch."

TMZ says that after Vivienne Jolie-Pitt got the role, her entertainment attorney Maddox managed to negotiate an extreme lucrative deal (she got paid scale) worth $3,000 a week (scale) AND he got her a $60 a day per diem (that's standard.) Since Vivienne Jolie-Pitt already lives in an ivory tower and feeds on the breath of angels, she donated all of her per diem money to The People Who Aren't A Jolie-Pitt Foundation.

So let's see, 4-year-old Vivienne Jolie-Pitt got paid thousands of dollars and all she had to do was sit, look at things, try not to poop or drool on her costume and she probably cooed out a couple of lines. That's pretty much what Lindsay Lohan did in Liz & Dick and I'm sure she got paid less than $3,000 a week! I say "pretty much," because I'm sure LiLo shit in her costume at least once a week.

On a mantel in Texas somewhere, is a framed cover of this week's UsWeekly and an entire family is standing in front of it while ejaculating warm pride from their faces as they think to themselves, "Our little girl, what a big shameless slut." (Sidenote: That's the same line my friends said to me when I asked them if it was normal for my suddenly itchy crotch shrub to play the song "Under the Sea.")

22-year-old blonde administrative assistant (it's ALWAYS the 22-year-old blonde administrative assistants) Sara Leal can now pay for that fully-equipped Kia Sorrento in cash, because she put her story of screwing Ashton Kutcher on the auction block and UsWeekly threw up the winning bid.

The Betrayal of DEMI!!!!! started when a mutual friend of Ashton and Sara's (aka a whore wrangler) invited her and some other tricks to a party at his hot tub suite at the Hard Rock Hotel in San Diego. When the clock struck SLUT, everybody except for man whore Ashton, his dude friend and two ladies including Sara stayed in the suite. Just like how all the special romances of our time (see: Romeo & Juliet) started, Sara says she got clit-out naked and Ashton made his move:

"He just came up and kissed me," the Texas native tells Us of Kutcher's first bold move in the wee hours; minutes later, Leal, Kutcher and another young woman were completely nude and in a hot tub on the balcony.

"I didn't think it was out of the ordinary," Leal admits. "I wasn't self-conscious about getting naked."

When Kutcher claimed that he was "separated" from wife Moore, 48, Leal tells Us she believed him.

DUH, bitch. Of course, it wasn't out of the ordinary. You were there to get your cooch Kutched! It would be out of the ordinary if he sat down with a pen to do The New York Times crossword puzzle, but mostly because he can't operate anything that doesn't have a touch screen. Sara then said that he continued to celebrate his 6th wedding anniversary by leading her to the bedroom to make the sex:

After retreating to Kutcher's bedroom past 6 a.m., "he lost his towel and I took my robe off," Leal says. "Then we had sex."

"He was good," Leal reveals. "It wasn't weird or perverted." It also wasn't 100 percent safe, either: Leal tells Us that Kutcher did not wear a condom during their one-on-one encounter.

What does Sara consider as weird? Because a dude screaming out "I'M ABOUT TO PROMOTE YOUR TWAT. HASHTAG I'M CUMMING!!!" is pretty kinky to me and you know Ashton screamed that out right before he gave her a raw nut.

Sara then says that they wrapped up their time together by talking about politics:

The post-coital talk was a little unexpected, she confesses; the duo talked astrology (they're both Aquarius), religion, love, even politics. "I told him I was a Lutheran from Texas. He said, 'Oh my gosh! Are you a Republican?'" Leal says.

Democratic-leaning Kutcher quizzed her on "up-and-coming candidates. I said Rick Perry. He asked if I'd vote for him. I said I didn't know and he laughed. He laughed at pretty much everything I said."

But it wasn't all twenty questions between the lovers, according to Leal. After having sex for a second time -- and arguing over Leal's cell phone -- the married Two and a Half Men star was tender.

"He was like, 'I enjoy things like this because I'm an actor 90 percent of the time and it's fake. It's nice to have moments that are real,'" Leal recalls.

Oh the laugh at everything laugh. We all know that laugh at everything laugh. It's the "I'm just going to laugh at everything so you can take the hint, wash your vagina out in the sink and leave so I can eat dry roasted peanuts and cuddle with this pillow right here" laugh.

And that last "this is a real moment" line pretty much tells me that Ashton has a full-time writer on staff who writes all of his post-fuck lines, because that is some Notting Hill shit.

I believe that a ho has to get paid, so I'm happy that somebody bought Sara's story, but she left out the only important detail I care about. Where is the shaft-to-hole description of Ashton's dick situation?! Sara talks about that big penis Rick Perry, but doesn't talk about the only penis we care to know about? Does Ashton have the ingredients to Summer's Eve tattooed on his shaft like the legend says? This is the only shit we need to know.

But I'm going to assume that Sara was just too remorseful to get into that. I mean, look at her face in that picture. That's the same pout your puppy makes when it bareback fucks your husband in a San Diego hotel room.

Or in this case, on the weeknight.

Lindsay "Out Calls Only" Lohan continued giving us the international remake of "How to Marry a Millionaire...or At Least Fuck with One So He Gives You 8-ball Money" in Paris last night when she left a club called Raspoutine with the owner Andre Saraiva. Community Service can go and eat itself, because Cokey du Jour is out there putting names in her little black book. LiLo's got Client #1 in New York, Client #2 in Milan and now she's got Client #3 in Paris. I knew there had to be a reasonable explanation for why Heidi Fleiss' parrot was always whispering into White Oprah's ear on the ho stroll's prime corner.

I can't even bring myself to sprinkle hate on LiLo. Snatching jooree is so OVER and it's all about snatching up a stack of hundreds on the nightstand with your snatch. Click clack, click clack. Yes, a bitch can argue that LiLo's snatch game is worth whatever the price tag on a box of stale PEEPS reads three days after Easter, but she is a MOVIE STAR!!! (I'm sure White Oprah wrote that exact line on her Craigslist ad).

Here's more of LiLo serving the community in Paris last night. The sight of her in that dress might make you sing "the cooookey in reeeeeed" to yourself and her dude looks like Mo from The Simpsons in Danny Zuko drag, but at least ho is keeping the bar stocked.

In "A Check is a Check" news, FOREVER A-LIST SUPERSTAR Shannen Doherty is using her celebrity to support this nation's education system by getting her liberal arts degree at a Poison Ivy League (which is sort of like ivy league, but sexier) online university thanks to Education Connection.

Brenda Walsh doesn't say in this mess, but if I sign up will I run into her in the cyber hallways, or get cyber drunk with her before the cyber prom, or cyber hold down that homewrecking whore slut Kelly Taylor while she cyber slaps her in the cyber mouth? Because that's a selling point. Better yet, Shannen should just dump this Education Connection mess and open an online West Bev High School. It'll be like Dungeons and Dragons for whores of the early 90s who can't let go.

(Thanks Shamah)

Lindsay Lohan is still under house arrest and can't leave her den of delusion, so she can only do IN calls right now. One of those IN calls was a bare budget penny auction website called Beezid.com and they paid Blohan $25,000 to say a few lines in her living room for a broke commercial that makes the Gallagher's Girls ad look like it was produced by James Cameron.

TMZ reports that LiLo originally turned down Beezid's offer of $25k and $10,000 of credit on their site, but they eventually came to an agreement since she knows that OxyContins don't grow on trees even if you stick one in a planter on your roof top and water it every day (she tried).

One could argue that because this womp womp bitch is throwing roof parties and shooting commercials during her house arrest, she is not being punished at all for breaking the law. But I say that when you go from starring in a movie with Jane Fonda to whoring yourself out in a 2 cent commercial for a bottom of the barrel website that scams people the same way you scammed the California Justice System, that's a punishment in itself. Ho is a fuck up away from paying off her dealers by auctioning off her autographed chonies on Beezid.

And will LiLo please get the Design on a Dime people to come and save her living room, because that shit is busted.

In the wise words of RuPaul: Click Clack (Make Dat Money)!!!

Danielle Staub, formerly of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, has returned to her roots: PUSSY POPPIN' ON THE POLE! Danielle went from a stripper to an alleged call girl to an amateur retina burner and now she's back to peeling the chrome off of a pole with her parts. TMZ says that 48-year-old Danielle has signed a 3-year-deal to flash her bankrupt titties and foreclosed ass at a strip club. Strangely enough, Danielle's new home strip club isn't located on a poorly paved road off the turnpike and it doesn't have a Malt Liquor Room instead of a Champagne Room because their customers don't know what the hell champagne is. No. Danielle has signed with Scores in NYC. The big time!

Danielle will flap her pierced labia during one live show a year (the Halloween show, I'm guessing) and will turn up on Scores' web show every now and again.

TMZ has more censored pictures of The Grinch of I-95 stealing souls with her starry-eyed nipples if that's what you need to see today. I don't know why TMZ even bothered censoring her wet parts since we've all seen them and have already woke up screaming in the middle of the night about them. If you haven't seen Danielle's Grinch vagina and don't know if you're ready for it, just watch the last part of last night's RHONJ. Focus on Teresa's half-bald gorilla brother contorting his face into different shades of rage. It's the same thing.

Wonderful news for Demi Moore! She can FINALLY call those scientists in Germany and give them the okay to start growing her new face using fetus cells, dolphin embryos and whatever they put in Silly Putty. Because Demi's man child husband is bringing in a mountain of crisp $100 bills for replacing Charlie Sheen on One and a Half Men Plus an Asshole. Ashton isn't getting paid Charlie Sheen money ($1.25 million an episode), but TMZ says that he will collect between $800,000 to $900,000 per episode. YES, Ashton is getting millions a season when the true entertainers of television like the cast of Mob Wives work for OTB tickets and a gas stipend (up to $50 a week).

Ashton confirmed to UsWeekly that he's taking Charlie Sheen's place by saying he's not taking Charlie Sheen's place:

"I can't wait to get to work with this ridiculously talented 2.5 team and I believe we can fill the stage with laughter that will echo in the viewers' homes. I can't replace Charlie Sheen but I'm going to work my ass off to entertain the hell out of people."

As for the crackie warlock, he had nothing bad to say about Ashton but said that the show will shrivel faster than his liver is, "Kutcher is a sweetheart and a brilliant comedic performer ... Oh wait, so am I!! Enjoy the show America. Enjoy seeing a 2.0 in the demo every Monday, WB. Enjoy planet Chuck, Ashton. There is no air, laughter, loyalty, or love there."

I'm torn. If Two and a Half Men succeeds with Ashton, that will be a direct stab to Charlie Sheen's mutant monster ego. But then again, if Two and a Half Men doesn't get thrown into a casket, the world will still have Two and a Half Men...and Ashton Kutcher.

It's a Sophie's Choice between two of Rosemary's Babies.

OctoMom's financial situation is as bruised, battered and exhausted as her uterus right now. Octo's got a million hongray mouths to feed, two lips on her face to keep filled with liquid nails and a foreclosure notice hovering over her head. Octo even brought her spastic craziness to Oprah the other day and Suze Orman told her that she needs to do what she needs to do to get those bills paid. Suze yelled until her clit turned blue and nearly fell off.

Well, Octo is making Suze proud, because she's slowly whippin' her way out of debt. TMZ reports that Octo recently shot a fetish video in her own home that features her whippin' a grown ass man in a diaper and a bonnet. Well, at least her 14 children don't have to crawl far for "Take Your Kid To Work Day."

TMZ says that Octo kept her black leggings and black corset on and whooped on the baby dude until welts grew on his back. Octo has already signed the release and it's currently looking for a buyer.

Okay, where did Octo put her three million screaming children while she was whipping coins out of a dudes diaper? Did she put them all in the garage with a few rocks and and empty box of Cheerios, and tell them to be really quiet while mommy and her friend play "Catwoman vs. Baby Huey"? Or did Octo hand one of her kids a boom mic and put them all to work? But seriously, this is better than collecting a welfare check, so I say, whip that food on the table!

And on a positive note, at least this fetish video can be used as a form of birth control. Every time Octo whips an air bubble out of a grown man's Pamper, a sperm fish drowns itself and an ovary egg pops.

Wearing a brand new afro wig fresh from the polyester farm, the golden seahorse that is Antoine Dodson performed a holiday version of his auto-tuned hit "The Bed Intruder Song" called "The Chimney Intruder Song" on Lopez Tonight. I hope Antoine is making millions upon millions of dollars and I can't wait to see him perform "The Colostomy Bag Intruder Song" in 50 years, but this mess made me want to hide my speakers and hide my monitor. But I didn't hit the little x on my browser tab, because how can I shut the door on 'Toine's beautiful foundation-glazed face?

Madge just so happened to be in Mexico filling her face with FDA-banned fillers and stuffing boy toy huevos into her cheeks for winter, so she slid on over to Mexico City to cut the ribbon on her new Hard Candy gym! Wearing an ensemble directly from Dress Barn's Black Friday sidewalk sale, Madge's eyes filled with gold sparkly dollar signs as she welcomed all the suckers who are paying a one-time fee of $830 (that includes two months) and then $160 a month after that to work out under her roof. Si, $160 a month! All together now: SANTO DIOS!

With $830, do you know how many boxes of chicles I can buy from the local chirruns on the beach in Ensenada? Start my own chicles factory in Mehico or lift weights while Madge's music bashes into my ear hole? Hmmmmm. Anyperraloca, this is what Madge told reporters at the opening of her House of Hard Chocha:

“If any of you have seen my shows, you know that I don’t skimp on them and the same is true for the gym. We spend what it takes to make a globally first-class gym. Our plan is to use Mexico as a place to fine-tune our brand and then expand it to other countries and, in the long term, develop a global brand that includes the United States.”

I can't throw hate at Madge though. She is providing an important service. I'm sure there's hundreds of hos out there who want a pussy so strong that it could circumcise an uncut peen in one swipe. Serious Kabbalah kooch! And here's a few pictures of Madge teaching her customers that very trick.