If you're a pair of butt lips and every day the blood in your veins boils until the follicles you were trying to grow burn off, then there's a good chance you belong to Alec Baldwin. Because not a day goes by when Alec Baldwin doesn't RAAAAAGE the dye off his hair strands. Case in point: This morning in Manhattan, Alec Baldwin HULKED out at two photographers from the NYDN for taking pictures of him and his 28-year-old yoga instructor fiancee Hilaria Thomas coming out the Marriage License Bureau after getting their marriage license. Getting a marriage license with your piece is supposed to cover both of you with a swan fart of love, but Alec popped that bubble when he went after one of the paps.
One of the photographers, Marcus Santos, said Alec kept screaming at them to get back. Marcos claims they stepped back, but Alec kept coming at them. Alec grabbed the other photographer and when Marcos tried to defend his paparazzi partner, the rage came at him. Marcos says that Alec punched him in the chin and pushed him. Marcos filed a police report and the NYPD has opened up an investigation. Meanwhile, Alec jumped on Twitter and claims that the pap is lying. Alec denies throwing punches and says he was the one who got hit with a camera. Oh, and Alec also went there by bringing Trayvon Martin into it.
A "photographer" almost hit me in the face with his camera this morning. #allpaparazzishouldbewaterboarded
I suppose if the offending paparazzi was wearing a hoodie and I shot him, it would all blow over...
The photographer who assaulted me has (belatedly) gone to a hospital claiming injuries. Colin Myler and his NOTW scams come to NY...
Ppl who work in the entertainment industry keep appts w the press on a regular basis. Paparazzi assaulting you on the street duznt count.
There has to be more to this. Just look at the rage in Alec's face in that picture. It's like Marcus just beat him at a game of Words with Friends with the word "ventriloquizing." Shit, I bet that's what really happened.
If the first Cock of Ages trailer made you heave in your mouth, then the full Rock of Ages trailer will make fully vomit in your mouth. (Tip: Make sure a baby bird and/or Alicia Silverstone's kid isn't nearby when you do it.) This mess is like a remake of Burlesque for the Nascar set. I can't with who ever told Mary J. Blige this was a good move for her. I can't with all those discount Halloween store wigs. I can't with them auto-tuning Tommy Girl's singing voice so much that he sounds like Rosie the Robot queefing into a vocoder. The only thing I'm can-ing at is how TG is whipping his weave and sashaying in 6-inch heels like there's only one ticket left to the Interior Illusions Lounge and he's gonna get it.
American Airlines is going to go to its bankrupt grave without ever giving Alec Baldwin the "WE SO SOWWY" he thinks he deserves for getting kicked the hell off of a flight after throwing a Words with Friends-induced melodramatic bitchy fit. So Alec put on his best AA pilot drag (IDENTIFY THEFT ALERT!) and apologized to himself during Weekend Update on SNL last night.
How many points does BITCHPLEASE get you on WWF? But seriously, Alec was so good at this that it's almost like he wakes up every morning, puts on a captain hat, gets in front of the bathroom mirror and says "Alec Baldwin is an American treasure." Yeah, he totally does that right before he sits on the toilet and uses his frustration over a difficult WWF game to push out a stuck shit.
People sitting in and around the business class section of an American Airlines flight leaving from LAX today got a beautiful gift in the form of watching Alec Baldwin getting shown the exit door on the plane for playing Words with Friends on his iPad. Alec Tweeted that the flight attendant lit their tongue on fire and then poke at his b-hole as he ran off the plane. Alec then went on to declare that he and American Airlines are fucking done professionally (and personally):
But, oddly, 30 Rock plays inflight on American. #theresalwaysunited
United Airlines should buy Words With Friends.
Now on the 3 o'clock American flight. The flight attendants already look.....smarter.
#theresalwaysunited Last flight w American. Where retired Catholic school gym teachers from the 1950's find jobs as flight attendants.
The former COO of MTV Michael J. Wolf was also Tweeting about this as it was happen. So there's an image to carry you to the dinner table. An old butch flight attendant with a ginger fro barking up Alec Baldwin's b-hole while Michael J. Fox's uncle watched.
Getting kicked off a plane for playing Words with Friends makes zero sense, but when you throw Alec Baldwin's name into it, it suddenly makes so much sense.
Just when I was about to declare Christie Brinkley my personal goddess of the Tony Awards for showing up looking and posing like a Drop Dead Gorgeous extra, Frances McDormand took to the stage to accept her award for Best Actress in a Play while wearing an ensemble that is slightly dressier than the ripped sweat shorts I'm wearing right now.
If you needed fucks to get into the Tonys last night, I'm not sure Frances would've gotten in, because she obviously didn't have any to give. Frances also saved reporters from asking her the stupid question "Who are you wearing?", because the red tag on her jean jacket already gave up that information. The look of the night. This is what your high school poli sci teacher would look like if you ran into her at the car wash on the weekend. Hair that couldn't even pick out a hairbrush from a line-up of hairbrushes.
And if wearing your mom's favorite beach outfit to a fancy awards show wasn't enough for me to fall in love with Frances all over again, she busted out her best mug shot poses backstage. If there isn't such thing as a "Best Dressed of the Tonys" list, then there needs to be so Frances can sit on top of that shit where she belongs.
Here's a few more pictures from last night's Book of Mormon Appreciation Ceremony. In order: my new style icon, DanRad, Professor Whoopi McGonagall, Judith Light, Christie Brinkley, PATSY STONE!!!, Alec Baldwin with guest, Tyne Daly with her piece, Al Pacino with guest and Ellen Barkin.
In a piece for the Huffington Post, Alec Baldwin writes about how he was basically shanked in the back and thrown out of the Jack Ryan movies by a beady-eyed, insecure studio executive who wanted to put a bigger box office star (see: Ben Affleck) in the role. Because of this experience, Alec has taken Charlie Sheen into the back room, sat him on a plastic crate and given him a "Trust me, I Know" speech. Basically, Alec is spitting a whole lot of realness into Charlie's face. Alec's advice to Charlie is to drop the lawsuit and lick on some troll nuts to get his job back. Take it, Alec:
You can't win. Really. You can't. When executives at studios and networks move up to the highest ranks, they are given a book. The book is called How to Handle Actors. And one principle held dear in that book is that no actor is greater than the show itself when the show is a hit. And, in that regard, they are often right. Add to that the fact that the actor who is torturing their diseased egos is a drug-addled, porn star-squiring, near-Joycean Internet ranter, and they really want you to go.
Granted, it didn't get real until you insulted them. And your suit may have real grounds.
But you know what you should do? Take a nap. Get a shower. Call Chuck. Go on Letterman and make an apology. Write a huge check to the B'Nai Brith. And then beg for your job back. Your fans demand it. You will never win because when you are as big a douchebag as some of these guys are, they have no choice but to snuff you. (Do you secretly want to get snuffed? So you can go back and make movies?)
Sober up, Charlie. And get back on TV, if it's not too late. This is America. You want to really piss off Chuck and Warner Brothers and CBS? Beg for America's forgiveness. They will give it to you. And then go back. You are a great television star. And you've got the gig. As I learned from closely observing Tony Bennett so I could impersonate him on SNL, this is supposed to be fun.
P.S.... buy Cryer a really nice car.
Alec makes a good point. The point being: Charlie needs to take a fucking shower. Preferably, a shower deep inside the nearest mental hospital, but we'll take what we can get. The thing is, Charlie is insane for ruining a gig that pays $1.2 million an episode. Who the hell ruins that shit? You have to be on the edge of NUTS to screw with your own money.
Charlie's ego is viciously humping on his crazy gene, and until someone turns the hose on those two, bitch is never going to take Alec's advice.
We're in a recession right now and movie theater M&M's are really expensive, so why not let Alec Baldwin and Page Six teach you how to get chocolate deliciousness into your mouth without opening up your pocket book. It's pretty simple. Just annoy the crap out of someone to the point where they are willing to part with their candy. FOOLS!
Page Six says that at a screening for Blue Valentine at the Hamptons Film Festival over the weekend, Alec Baldwin murdered the nerves of those around him by texting during the movie. A source explains what happened next, "He was on his phone the whole time, and the light was disturbing others. But he stopped quickly once somebody started throwing M&M missiles."
SEE! Just text your way to sugary dingles. Yes, there's a chance that they might launch bullets and/or fists at you instead of M&M's, but that's a risk worth taking. Besides, the threat of swallowing your own blood will make those M&M's taste that much more delicious.
Alec Baldwin is adding a new name to his book of arch rivals. Page Six says that Alec is directing his rage at The National Enquirer's Mike Walker for claiming that he yelled at Tina Fey on the set of 30 Rock. Alec wants it known that the only way he would yell at a Tina Fey is if Mike Walker legally changed his name to Tina Fey. It. Is. Awn.
Alec responded to Mike's story by calling him a "whore" and a "queen." Now, any of us would send Alec a thank you basket full of dildos for declaring us the queen of whores, but Mike Walker wasn't exactly amused. In his column for the Enquirer, Mike brought the bitchiness out and wrote the headline: "Alec Baldwin -- Raging Closet HOMOPHOBE!' Grab your pitchforks and torches, Hollywood -- the monster lurks among ye!"
Damn. That Queen Whore means business if he brought "ye" into it.
Alec didn't miss a beat, and he shot back with, "Yes, he [Walker] is a goat-footed, wheezy, old queen, and all my male lovers agree with me."
That was way harsh. This goat-footed queen is offended:
After Alec called Mike a goat whore queen (or something), Mike lifted his queeny hooves and slapped him back with this: "Just for the record: I am not gay, as my wife will attest. Right honey? . . . HONEY?? Hey Alec: Stay tuned."
A few years ago, I witnessed a fight at some dusty gay bar between two old queens. They were brawling over a young Asian twink. There was more slapping and biting than a Tiger Woods text message. This war of words between Alec and Mike is almost better than that. Alec and Mike really need to meet in a dusty gay bar and fight this out like real old queens. Tina Fey can the play the part of the young Asian twink.
When Alec Baldwin returned to his NYC apartment yesterday evening after handling that "misunderstanding" at the hospital earlier in the day, he found a bunch of paps clicking in his face. The paps obviously didn't get the memo that when you run into Alec Baldwin on the street, you stand really still and hope he doesn't see you.
The NYDN reports that one of the photographers tapped Alec on the arm to get him to smile really purdy-like for the camera. Alec grabbed at the pap, and the police had to pull Alec off of him. While Alec walked into his building, he was heard muttering under his bref, "They are the scum of the Earth."
"Scum of the Earth" is 2010's "rude thoughtless little pig."
A source close to Alec seems to think that his ex-wife Kim Basinger is the one who tipped off the paps. The source also says that Kim is the one who got Alec into this mess in the first place. On Wednesday night, Alec got into a fight with their daughter Ireland over the phone. Alec told Ireland he was going to take an Ambien and go to bad. When Ireland told her mother about this, Kim told her to call 911. The source added that Kim was just trying to make Alec look crazy, "This is another example of Kim's sickness."
Alec was released from the hospital after doctors determined that he was not trying to harm himself.
Whoever this "source" is obviously never forgave Kim Basinger for Cool World.
Alec Baldwin's publicist is telling everyone that his client did not try to overdose on pills during the night. AP first reported that Alec was taken to the hospital early this morning after his 14-year-old daughter Ireland called 911 saying that he was unresponsive. Ireland also told the operator that they had argued that night and she thinks he might have swallowed a Lohan-handful of pills. But Alec's rep is shrugging it off as a "misunderstanding." This is what his prwhore had to say:
"This was a misunderstanding on one person's part. Alec was quickly released from the hospital, he's completely fine and will be at work today."
Maybe Alec was just sleeping off his donut hangover. That thoughtless little pig Ireland is going to lose her allowance for two weeks for waking up daddy!