Well Well Well

Life & Style said yesterday that Sharon Stone is now single and is going to put on her best boy catchin' outfit, strut to the nearest high school with Demi Moore and get themselves some seniors. The source said that 54-year-old Sharon is into politics and activism and her 30-year-old Argentinean model boyfriend Martin Mica isn't into that stuff, so she took the saddle off of his back and stopped riding him. But yesterday Sharon Stone let everyone know that she's still riding on Martin Mica by putting on a show for the paps on the ho stroll.

This is how you answer a rumor. You don't have your publicist push the "generic answer to breakup rumor" button on the statement machine. You put on your silver disco shoes and tell your piece to grab his knapsack, because you're going to show all those bitches the truth as you walk him to school in Beverly Hills.

I was reading about this at another site and one of the commenters wondered if Sharon Stone knows that he's just using her for money. Excuse you? Nobody uses Sharon Stone. If anything, he's the one paying for everything, because it is an honor to be seen with the goddess from Diabolique, Basic Instinct 2, Intersection (confession: I am the one person who saw Intersection and I saw it twice in the theaters. Not even at a discount theater either. What is wrong with me?), Casino, Total Recall,  Gloria, Sliver, Catwoman, The Muse, King Solomon's Mines and...need I go on? (Please say "no," because I'm running out of movies to name and I really don't want to have to type the words "Alpha Dog.")

Lindsay Lohan wasn't going to show her face in an L.A. court room today, because her lawyer Lionel Hutz Mark Heller gave the judge a note from her NYC doctor that said she was suffering from an upper respiratory infection and could infect all the other passengers with the sicks if she flies to California. But I guess TMZ spooked the flu right out of that bitch. Because apparently after TMZ said the judge could issue a warrant for her arrest, LiLo grabbed White Oprah, ran down to the bar at the Hilton Garden, flirted with a couple of half-blind 60-something businessmen, lured them to the bathroom, stole their wallets while her mother gave them a double handy and then used their credit cards to buy two first class tickets from JFK to LAX.

White Oprah and LiLo landed at LAX last night and the passengers on the flight said that they didn't catch the flu, but they did catch a severe case of the rolling eyeballs and an even worse case of the HAHAHAs after seeing that bitch's outfit.

How many different kinds of animals were butchered to make that outfit? Several cows from the 80s were killed to make those pants. Several dude seals had their foreskin ripped off of their peens to make those lips. And that period-stained crotch fur was ripped off of a Kardashian to make those sleeves. Bitch is dressed like a retired pro wrestler from the 80s. I bet oxygen masks dropped halfway through the flight, because when you mix LiLo's sweaty crotch with leather pants you get some stuff you don't want to inhale.

And if you live in L.A. and have a spare bedroom, you should check it, because LiLo and White Oprah are probably sleeping in there after breaking into your house. Because TMZ says that LiLo tried to check into Shutters in Santa Monica last night, but she's been blacklisted for trashing a room in 2007. LiLo also tried checking into the Loews, but they told her they were all booked. LiLo also tried checking into the Motel 6 in Van Nuys, but I guess they're still mad at her for leaving the dead body of her overdosed johns in their room after a call gone wrong.

LiLo is supposed to be in court at around 8:30 L.A. time, but she might not have a lawyer with her. Shawn Holley would rather eat a rat's vagina than go back to LiLo and the judge might not approve Mark Heller since he doesn't have a license to practice in CA and he's never met the L.A.-based lawyer who's supposedly sponsoring him.  I really hope that White Oprah represents that mess in court today. White Oprah watched all the court scenes from Legally Blonde on the plane ride over and she gave a beej to a first year law student in the lavatory, so she's totally qualified.

On Oprah's Next Chapter last night, the Houston family matriarch pimped out her book on all things Whitney Houston and Oprah asked for her thoughts on a few rumors about her late daughter. Oprah brought up a part in Cissy's book where she talks about Whitney's relationship with best friend Robyn Crawford. Whitney was the Oprah to Robyn's Gayle King and there were rumors that the two bumped 'ginas under the moonlight and were in love for many years. Cissy writes that she knew about the speculation that Whitney and Robyn were gayelle lovers and when The Mighty O asked her if she believed the rumors, she said this:

"I don't really know. I thought, I didn't particularly like her. She just spoke too disrespectful sometimes, like she had something over Nippy. I didn't like that at all. She was alright. She turned out to be alright, I guess. That was her friend."

Cissy told Nippy that she didn't like Robyn and didn't want her hanging around Robyn, but Nippy did anyway. Cissy knew that Nippy's heart wrapped around Robyn's heart, but she didn't know for sure if her mouth ever wrapped around Robyn's love box. Oprah asked Cissy if it would've bothered her if Nippy was a lesbian and she didn't flinch when she said, "Absolutely." Oprah seemed surprised and asked the question again using different words. Cissy once again said that she wouldn't have liked it and wouldn't have condoned it.

Cissy's eyes when she said that! She didn't even flinch. It's like her eyes said "No, I wouldn't have liked it if they were straight dykin" and "Yes, I can smell Gayle's poon on your breath, Oprah, and I don't like that either!" Cissy is super into all things Jesus and is older than Methuselah, so it's not surprising that she wouldn't have embraced Whitney's gayelleness. But then when Oprah asked Cissy if she was happy when Bobby Brown came along, she said, "No." Cissy Houston hates Bobby Brown too.

Then when Oprah brought out a giant cupcake with sprinkles on it and asked Cissy if she liked that, Cissy said, "No." Oprah tried something different and brought out a pink basket full of fluffy kittens wearing tiny hats and asked Cissy if she liked that, Cissy said, "No."

CISSY HOUSTON HATES EVERYTHING!

And during the interview, Whitney's brother Michael confessed that he's the one who introduced her to crack, not Bobby Brown. When Oprah asked Cissy if she likes crack, Cissy said....you know the rest.

via Queerty

During Jennifer Lawrence's acceptance speech for Best Actress at the SAG Awards last night, she thanked MTV for giving her the job that got her a SAG card when she was 14. Entertainment Weekly posted Jennifer Lawrence's commercials for My Super Sweet 16 and it made me remember the good old days when MTV used to show important documentaries about teenage pieces of diamond-encrusted spoiled trash who threatened to shank their dad in the neck if he didn't buy them a Hummer or get some local rapper to perform at their 16th birthday party. I sometimes wonder what happened to those spoiled ass brats. MTV should do another follow-up, because I really need to know if the parents eventually went broke from spoiling their asshole child and had to move into the Hummer.

And only press play on that video if you're okay with that "Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday" song getting stuck deep inside a crevice in your brain. Once it gets in, it will never leave you.

Right before Jennifer Lawrence gave a shout out to My Super Sweet 16, she made her way to the stage and wrestled with her dress as the bottom part got mad at the top part and tried to quit that ho:

The Daily Mail says that Jennifer's dress ripped, but it didn't rip. The bottom part detached from the top part. The Dior people designed it that way. Because of Jennifer's detachable dress, she gets best dressed of the night from me. I mean, wearing a detachable dress allows you to do ALL of the following:

1. Easily squat over a toilet in the bathroom. With a detachable dress, you no longer have to suffer through the hassle of pulling your dress up to piss. Just detach, squat and go.

2. Easily have a quickie in the car while driving to the event. With a detachable dress, you no longer have to suffer through the hassle of pulling up your dress to bone. Just detach, open your legs and get it.

3. Easily bust out a dramatic quick change moment while sashaying to the dance floor. Give the party goers some theater by dramatically ripping off the bottom of your dress as you walk to the dance floor. I once went to a wedding where during the first dance, the groom detached the bottom part of his bride's ball gown to reveal the sequined miniskirt she had on underneath. It was the moment of the wedding and you know I gave it three snaps and a standing ovation.

The detachable dress is a two-in-one work of elegance and it is always the look.

And now you can finally pull out that Liberty and freedom joke you've been waiting to use.

Six months after Rupert Sanders got caught by the paparazzi having dry butt sex with Kristen Stewart while looking at the beautiful mountains (or something), his wife of ten years took the first step  in euthanizing their marriage. TMZ says that Liberty Ross filed divorce papers in L.A. yesterday and wants joint custody of their two kids, alimony and wants him to pay her lawyer. Rupert responded and said that he also wants joint custody and he isn't looking for alimony, but he doesn't want to pay Liberty's lawyer either. Cheap bitch.

Some source says that Liberty and Rupert went to see a therapist a few times to try to Super Glue back the pieces of their broken ass marriage, but it didn't work and they both realized that their marriage is about as dead as Kristen Stewart's acting skills. A different source tells UsWeekly that Liberty just couldn't kiss Rupert on the mouth without thinking about how that mouth once nibbled on KStew's box in the front seat of a Mini Cooper.

"This was a long time coming," one source tells Us Weekly, explaining that, in the aftermath of the shocking tryst, Sanders "did want to try to repair the relationship and didn't want a divorce."

Ross, who picked up her life and career in London to move with her husband to Hollywood a couple years ago, "was more than a little upset," adds a second insider. "They gave it a shot for the kids, [but] she was just so angry . . .she's the kind of person who wouldn't really ever get over it."

The good news is that this shit has lit up the throbbing, angry b-holes of the Twihards and for the next few days they'll be typing ROBSTEN IS 4EVA UNBROKEN over and over again on Twitter and Tumblr, so they'll be busy for a while. The bad news for me is that since Liberty and Rupert's home is wrecked forever and since KStew's coochie contributed to that a little, Sienna Miller will have to give her bull dozer vagina platinum status. So Kristen Stewart and my home wrecking hero Sienna Miller are now in the same home wrecking league. Ugh.

Disclaimer: Several handfuls of calorie-packed sarcasm flakes were sprinkled all over that headline before I hit the publish button.

Seen here carrying the dried shell of his nutsack that Bethenny Frankel used to let him hold to remember happier days, Jason Hoppy is scratching back at Castle Grayskull's daytime line cook and has declared war. When the reality shit show star and alcohol-ruiner filed for divorce from Jason Hoppy  earlier this month, she sharpened her extra pointy clavicle bone and shanked him with it by asking for child support, primary custody of their 2-year-old daughter Bryn and their $5 million Tribeca apartment (which looks like this). Bethenny also wants Jason to pay for her and Bryn's medical and dental expenses. Normally, when the terrifying plastic skeleton of the Joker jumps you in a dark alley and demands your money and throws its medical bills at you, you give them your money and you pay their medical bills on time, but Jason is fighting back.

TMZ says that Jason has responded to Bethenny's divorce petition and he wants everything she wants. Basically, Jason's new lawyer Jill Zarin (yes, Jill Zarin got her law degree online just so she can get back at her arch rival Bethenney) copied Bethenny's divorce papers, but wrote Jason's name over Bethenny's name and wrote Bethenny's name over Jason's name.

Bethenny wants primary custody of their kid and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants their $5 million apartment and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants child support and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants her ex to pay for her medical and dental bills and so does Jason.
Bethenny wants to be co-beneficiary, along with her daughter, of her ex's life insurance policy and so does Jason.

Jason also wants Bethenny to pay for his lawyer and accountant.

According to the completely reliable (read: not at all reliable) CelebrityNetWorth.com, Bethenny is worth $25 million and Jason is worth $5 million. Bethenny and Jason made a lot of their money while together and they also made that kid together, so you'd think they'd just split everything down the middle, but they're reality shit show stars so they have to do everything extra.

I would side with Bethenny, because again, you don't mess with the plastic skeleton of the Joker, but I just can't. I can't side with a trick who ruins alcohol. Her SkinnyGirl margarita tastes like the piss of a rotten lime if the rotten lime ate asparagus right before pissing. It barely has any alcohol too. Powerade gives me a stronger buzz than that ShittyGirl crap does. That being said, should Bethenny not get primary custody of her daughter just because she can't make a margarita right? Does being a margarita-ruiner make her a bad mother. Of course no... Yes, yes, it does.

And I'm also slowly sliding over to Jason's side, because every time I read Jason's last name, I think of my favorite scene in Joy Luck Club when Auntie Lindo looks at her daughter through the salon mirror and says, "You make me hoppy." And that makes me hoppy.

When Jeremy Renner told Eva Longoria on the smoking patio at the Golden Globes that he gave his ex-girlfriend a surprise case of the BABIES!!!, he told everybody, because some nosy-eared witness heard it and spread the news to UsWeekly (or Eva Longoria's ass gave the news to UsWeekly in exchange for a "best" label in their extremely important Best & Worst Beach Bodies issue). Not much was known about Jeremy's ex-girlfriend, but then the highly skilled womb diggers at The National Enquirer (via Radar) went to work and found out that the future mother of Baby Hawkeye is 22-year-old model Sonni Pacheco from Vancouver. We shouldn't be surprised about this shit, because aren't they ALWAYS 22-year-old models?

A supposed friend of Jeremy's tells the Enquirer that Sonni is living with him and his "roommate" at his home in L.A. and he's taking care of her while she's baking the baby they made. The friend went on to say, “Jeremy is delighted he’s going to become a dad. He realizes it’s unconventional to have his baby mama, an ex-girlfriend, living with him and his roommate, but he just doesn’t care.”

So to recap: Jeremy, his "roommate" and his knocked up ex-piece are all living in the same house and I'm guessing that house is his $25 million flip that looks like a cross between the Rocketeer's lair and the fanciest Restoration Hardware store you've ever seen.

I thought that when you become a multi-millionaire movie star, the first thing you do is drop your roommate and those rough ass towels from Ikea that scrubbed a layer off your skin every time you dried off with them. But I guess not. I mean, roommate?!

Now I'm not saying that Jeremy's situation is some New Normal shit, but when are we going to get to the part when we meet Sonni's ultra conservative, Cindy McCain-like, ice queen of a grandmother and her daughter who does a dead-on impersonation of Little Edie from Grey Gardens? Because they're my favorite part of the story.

And here's some of Sonni's extremely professional and elegant modeling pictures. Sonni is giving us some Barbizon: After Dark glamour and then some.

Joe Biden knew the truth the whole time and the secret was eating at him!!!!

After the Times of London heard from people sitting near the podium at yesterday's Inauguration that the band wasn't actually playing and Beyonce wasn't actually singing The Star Spangled Banner, they asked a rep for the Marine Corp Band if it was true that she Brit Brit'd her way through the whole thing. They released a statement saying that Beyonce lip-synched her performance. Beyonce fake something? NEVAAAAAAH!

A spokeswoman for the Marine Corp Band said it was standard procedure to record a backing track and Beyoncé decided shortly before her performance to rely on the studio version rather than risk singing it live on the Capitol.

Yo Yo Ma pre-recorded his cello performance in 2008 because the cold weather and wind may have affected the acoustics of his instrument. Vocal performers, however, typically do perform live despite January’s icy conditions.

“We did pre-record it and it was Beyoncé’s decision at the last minute to go with the pre-recorded version,” said a spokeswoman for the band.

“We pre-recorded all music as a matter of course and have done since time immemorial,” she said. “This is our 54th inauguration… There is no question of there not being any music – it’s not because the performer cannot do it.”

Kelly Clarkson, on the other hand, sang live.

But Beyonce ripped her earpiece out and everything! Either Beyonce ripped out that earpiece to throw us off her trail or she ripped it out because she didn't want any distractions while she mouthed that song like nobody had mouthed that song before!!!! The truth is,  Beyonce only lip-synched, because if she didn't, her powerful, booming angel hummingbird voice would've broken the protective glass in front of her and lives would've been in danger. Beyonce lip-synched for her life, the president's life, your life and the country's life!

UPDATE - A rep for the Marine Corp is now backpedaling away from their "Beyonce lip-synched" comment and he's now saying he doesn't know. Beyonce didn't rehearse with the Marine Corps Band before the performance, so they used a track, because they didn't feel comfortable with doing it live. They aren't sure if Beyonce used a track for her vocals. via HuffPo:

Marine Corps spokesman Capt. Gregory Wolf said that because there was no opportunity for Beyonce to rehearse with the Marine Band, it was determined that a live performance by the band was ill advised. Instead they used a pre-recorded track for the band's portion of the song.

"Regarding Ms. Knowles-Carter's vocal performance," Wolf's statement continued, "no one in the Marine Band is in a position to assess whether it was live or pre-recorded."

Translation: "Don't come at us, Illuminati! We surrender!"

Matthew McConaughey has gone topless jogging with Lance Armsstrongduetodoping and not once did the Texas T-Rex get suspicious when the wooden floor boards broke into pieces from the sheer force of Lance's Hulk-like stomp. So when Lance came clean about playing dirty, Matthew McConaughey was sad and mad at the bitch for never telling him the truth. The Texas T-Rex, who is gaining some chunk and no longer looks like a zombie porn Giraffe circa 1975, is promoting his new movie Mud at Sundance right now and MTV News (via Yahoo) asked him what he thinks about Lance's cheating ways. Matthew said that it gave him the sads, which should give all of us the sads, because nothing is sadder than a sad T-Rex. :( Matthew said this:

"My first reaction was I was pissed off. I was mad. I then got kind of sad for him. First off, I had a part of me that took it kind of personally, which I think a lot of people have."

Matthew then said that he doesn't take it personally:

"What I mean by this is, what was he supposed to do? Call me to the side and go, 'Hey man, I did it but don't tell anybody.' Then I would have really had a reason to be pissed off at him, going, 'You want me to walk around holding this?'Where I am now is I've put myself out of the way and I am happy for this guy, who has now chosen to reenter this new chapter of his life a truly free man. And the weight he had on his shoulders, without the boogieman under the bed, the skeleton in the closet that he's carried for 14 years. Fourteen years he lied and carried the lie with him. Oprah said the other night, 'The truth will set you free,' but she forgot one part. It's miserable in the beginning. And it's going to be miserable, but he's looking it in the eye, and he'll handle it. He'll deal. And he's ready for how hard it's going to be to deal."

T-Rex, please. I know Matthew's usually got his head stuck in his bong, but his ass had to have known that Lance injected potent Go Go Juice directly into his veins. Didn't Matthew know that something in the milk was DOPE when Lance jacked his dick right off of his body during their weekly circle jerk sessions? The Texas T-Rex is just sad, because during all his years of doping, Lance never once pulled down his panties and asked Matthew to stick it in his butt. By "it," I mean the doping needle. I think.

Here's more of Matthew looking like an old, parched earth worm at Sundance over the weekend.

Katie Price once again redefined the definition of bridal elegance on Wednesday when she slipped a nip and gave everyone a thigh show after she made part-time stripper Kieran Hayler (or as earth angel Harvey Price probably calls him, "Fuck OFF!") her third husband in the Bahamas. When Katie married Harvey Price's first stepfather Peter Andre, she looked like a pink Barbie cake violently diarrhea'd all over her.  When Katie married Harvey's second stepfather, cross-dressing cage fighter Roxy Baby, she did quickie-style in a Las Vegas wedding chapel. And for her third wedding, Katie got married at Sandals in the Bahamas and wore a classic stripper gown while her future ex-husband wore a sensible mother of the bride blouse. The Sun has the pictures and you should brace yourself for the demure classiness that will hit you after you click over.

Katie and part-time stripper Keiran Hayler have been together for about nine seconds and she tells The Sun that she knew he was destined to be her third husband, because a psychic told her that she would marry a man named KEVIN. "Keiran" is practically Irish for "Kevin" and Katie cares about the sanctity of marriage as much as she cares about having dignity, so she figured why not!

“I saw a medium who told me I’d already met the person I was going to marry. She also said his name was Kevin. Well, Kieran has been after me for a year, ever since we were first introduced by our mutual friend Phil Turner — husband of my make-up artist Gary Cockerill (Note: I wish my last name was Cockerill). Apparently, he’d been asking for my mobile number for ages. And his name is also close to Kevin, so it all became clear. I took a friend with me who made notes during the session with the medium because I wanted to make sure I’d heard everything accurately. Yes, I’m following my heart — but I’m not harming anyone. All I can say is there is no Pricey rulebook. If I feel something is right, I’ll do it, even if it comes out of the blue.”

Katie also said that this is ONLY her third marriage, so get off her ass.

“This is only my third marriage. I did my own Pricey Marriage Survey and discovered I was in good company. Joan Collins has been married five times, Liz Taylor did eight and Zsa Zsa Gabor nine. So there! I get stick, but no one has picked on them for all the marriages they’ve had.”

I've always said that a couple that waxes their assholes together, stays together, but I have a feeling that just like a newborn pube sprouting out of Kieran's crotch follicle, Katie's wedding ring will be plucked off and thrown into the trash in about ten minutes.

Harvey Price wasn't at the wedding and I'm not mad at Katie for that. Harvey probably had better things to do like ANYTHING other than going to this wedding. Besides, once you've rolled your eyes at one Katie Price wedding, you've rolled your eyes at every Katie Price wedding.