Well Well Well

Tracy Flick's spirit animal Anne Hathaway knows that Valium prescriptions are up by 300%, because a ton of people had to overly medicate themselves to deal with the soul-killing baby voice she used in all of her overly rehearsed acceptance speeches. Anne said that all the hate got to her, but that she knows there's a negative to every positive and blah blah blah blah. A source tells UsWeekly that Anne worked on her Oscar speech a lot, because she wanted to come off as more likable to her haters. It didn't work! Was Anne's coach Taylor Swift, because if you want to come off as more likable you don't start your speech by saying "It came true" like you're Cinderfuckingrella.

The source said that she practiced her speech a lot and tweaked it so people wouldn't have the urge to choke out their TV screens. The source said, "She was very aware that she had been the butt of everyone's jokes."

Why does Anne even care? Anne has the only thing in life she's ever wanted, AN OSCAR, and she probably has a six pack on her lungs from all the heavy breathing she did during her speeches, so why the hell should she care how we feel. Anne should just tell us to eat her farts and then disappear off the face of Hollywood the way most Best Supporting Actresses do.

And one of my friends, who loves Anne Hathaway the same way I love tortillas with mayonnaise, IMed yesterday and said something like, "Why do you hate Anne Hathaway so much? Is it because she reminds you of high school since she was the kind of girl who was your only friend back then?"

I hate it when whores tell me the truth.

Seen here at Elton John's Oscar party looking like a smug bookworm, Chris Brown slipped into the confessional booth at The Mirror of all places and let out a steaming pile of regrets for what he did to RiRi 4 years ago. The Difficult Brown supposedly told The Mirror that sometimes the one you're with peeps at your phone and you get mad at them and repeatedly bash their face into the car window, but that doesn't mean you don't love them anymore. Chris Brown said that RiRi loves him again and he's worked hard to get her trust back. Chris Brown started to say some other things, but he saw someone trying to take his parking space, so he had to cut the interview short to knuckle that bitch in the eyes.

“Sometimes you row, you fight, with the one you love and things get said, stuff spirals. That night was the deepest regret of my life, the biggest mistake. But she loves me – what can I say? I’m forgiven… but, yes, I worked hard for it.

People attack me and criticise me, it happens all the time. But they don’t know me, and they don’t know us. It doesn’t bother me any more. Other people can judge us but they don’t know anything. I’ve learned a lot since that night and I’ve grown up. I was very young and I took a lot of stuff, fame, for granted. I didn’t understand it. The support from those who do know me and the fans, who are incredible, got me through."

This is coming from The Mirror, so as far as we know they could've pulled out the Yellow Pages (does that shit still exist?), picked out some random Chris Brown and called them up. Instead of talking to the infamous rabid beaver, they were probably talking to a 56-year-old man named Christopher Brown from Millville, Delaware who was telling him about how he once yelled at his Golden Retriever for chewing on his favorite pair of New Balance sneakers. If The Mirror really wanted to make me believe that these words actually came out of Chris Brown's mouth, they should've put the line, "You know, just like Jesus," after every other sentence. Then I would've totally believed that this came from Chris "Martyr" Brown.

Charlie Sheen already gave Lindsay Lohan $100,00, because he thinks he's Hollywood's premiere Captain-Save-A-Ho and he has a soft spot for train wrecky hos in need. (You know what I mean by "soft spot." I'll leave it at that.) TMZ says that LiLo still owes the IRS over $100,000 and now the State of California is coming at her, because she didn't give them any tax money in 2011. They want over $56,000 from her. So what is a train wrecky ho in need to do? Bitch probably called up Daddy Charlie and he told her she had to work for it this time.

When Charlie tells a ho that she has to work for that money, that's her cue to get naked and grab the donkey, the latex gloves, the tub of Crisco, the midget twins, the anal speculum and the dildo gas mask. But this time, Charlie meant that LiLo has to get to work on his basic cable show. Deadline says that LiLo will play herself on an episode of FX's Anger Management. In the episode that airs in April, LiLo gets down with Charlie after meeting him in therapy. So this is the second time that LiLo and Charlie will get into bed together in front of the cameras (private sex tapes they made together don't count.)

The last thing people need to see is LiLo and Charlie kissing, because I'm sure it looks just like a malnourished salamander nibbling on an uncooked turkey burger. Nobody wants to see that. Save it for American Horror Story. Instead of airing the actual episode, they should air the making of the episode. I really want to see Charlie scream his hairpiece off when LiLo locks herself in her trailer and refuses to come out, because she doesn't like the tone of the script.

Since this is the second time Lohan and Sheen are working together, we can officially call them the Tracy and Hepburn of our time! And "Lohan Sheen" sounds like a fancy name for the coke sweats. Perfect!

The second time Janet Jackson got married, she kept it a secret from the public until she signed the divorce papers 9 years later. Janet got married for a third time last year and she once again did it hush-style. Janet married Qatari billionaire Wissam Al Mana a while ago and she's just now telling people about it, because I guess there was a story going around that said her wedding was some kind of lavish spectacle. Janet and Wissam released a statement to ET saying that their wedding wasn't lavish, it was small and private.

"The rumours regarding an extravagant wedding are simply not true. Last year we were married in a quiet, private, and beautiful ceremony. Our wedding gifts to one another were contributions to our respective favourite children’s charities. We would appreciate that our privacy is respected and that we are allowed this time for celebration and joy. With love, Wissam and Janet"

I totally get that Janet is putting a PRIVACY PLEASE sign on her door, but does she really need to do that when nobody was planning to knock on her door anyway? Whatever, I totally know why Janet keeps getting married in secret. She doesn't want her crazy family to find out. If she told everyone she was getting married, Joe Jackson would find out and crash that shit. He'd show up, eat all the food, yell at all the kids and try to get Wissam to invest in his latest shady business venture.

Janet doesn't want La Toya Jackson there, because she wants to be the most beautiful Jackson at her own wedding. It's kind of hard to get married when all your guests keep worshiping at the feet of the most gorgeous Jackson, La Toya. So I get it.

And this has to be the upgrade of all upgrades. Janet went from Troll Dupri to a hot, young billionaire. And Wissam is also lucky, because he gets to motorboat the titties on Janet's face every single night.

Isn't that how most twink porn fanfictions start....

Two members of the Exes of Taylor Swift Club left a pre-Oscar party in Brentwood last night and I'm sure they were just going somewhere quiet to spill the tea about Taylor Swift into each other's ears. Taylor Lautner, who's looking buffer than Madonna's clit, showed up to the party by himself and afterward, his friend Patrick Schwarzenegger jumped into his Fisker and the two drove off. I am really disappointed in myself for not typing "Fister" instead of "Fisker." My talent at making typos has failed me.

And to answer the question in your head, I think they flip flop.

This past summer, I waived Cressida Bonas away when she was spotted getting on Prince Hot Ginge at a club in London. Just like that wart on my taint, I didn't think Cressida would stick around for long. And just like that wart on my taint, she came back and it doesn't look like she's leaving anytime soon. Cressida Boner really showed me to not underestimate her skills at luring the hot ginger one, because here she is snuggling up to his ass on a ski slope in Switzerland yesterday.

I know, how can Prince Hot Ginge canoodle with a chick named after a mid-size Toyota sedan in public, in front of the cameras, in front of our eyes! How can a hot ginge be so cold? I want to scream the same thing my ex-boyfriend's mother screamed at him when he brought me home for dinner, "How dare you bring your WHORE into my house?!" The audacity! But whatever, that is just the jealousy talking.

I mean, look at this bitch's life. After a long day of skiing with PHG, she gets to warm her frozen hands on his piping hot flaming dick bush. Then after warming her frozen hands on his piping hot flaming dick bush, she gets to sip tea while the Original Fergie gives her the juice about THE QUEEN. Then after the Original Fergie gives her the juice about THE QUEEN, she gets to burn her tongue on PHG's stovetop nalgas. The life: she is living it!

But The Mirror and their insiders are wrong for calling her "the one." Unless she's a puppy wrangler who shoots vodka from her butt and can beatbox the European house song of his choice on command, she's not the one.

Jezebel, ONTD, Crushable and a bunch of people on Twitter are all shaking their heads at Lisa Lampanelli today after she tweeted a picture of her and Lena Dunham, who is wearing a moldy camping tarp for some reason, and called Lena her "nigga." No, they weren't in Paris and no, GOOPY Paltrow isn't Lisa's ghost tweeter. Some people are shocked about this, but doesn't Lisa's whole act involve trying to shock bitches. Wouldn't it be more shocking if bitch didn't use a slur? When she's not talking about how she's taken so much black dick that her pussy has been certified triple Kardashian, she's making racist jokes, right?

I thought that was her thing. She sees a person, determines their race and then says something like, "Hey, (insert racial slur here)!" Since I'm Hispanic, Asian and gay, I wonder how she'd greet my ass. She'd probably look at me and her racial slur generator would malfunction for a minute before she spit out, "Hey, spagip!" 

Kris Humphries publicity stunt marriage to Kim Kardashian ended over a year ago, but they've been dragging their divorce ever since, because he wants an annulment due to fraud. Kim refuses to give him one, because she made an oath to Lucifer to never reveal the STUNT QUEEN secrets of the Illuminati.

The overgrown Cha-Ka refuses to give Kim a divorce and she refuses to give him an annulment and apparently his lawyer is siding with Team KKK. TMZ says that Kris' lawyer Marshall Waller filed papers in court yesterday asking to be removed from the case, because he's sick of dealing with a neanderthal-faced dumbass with dino shit for brains.

A source tells TMZ that Marshall Waller has been trying for months to get Kris to drop the annulment, because there's nothing that proves that Kim tricked his ass into marrying her. Marshall tried to talk Kris  into moving on, but every time he'd say something, Kris would stare off into space, drool and then start pawing at a pen on Marshall's desk. So Marshall is done with Kris. Kris has another lawyer, Lee Hutton, but Lee doesn't have a license to practice in California so he has to find a lawyer to sponsor him before he can start representing the real-life Encino Man in the divorce case.

So Marshall Waller thinks that there's no way to prove that Kim and Pimp Mama Kris committed fraud against Kris? They're Kardashians! That's the only evidence he needs. But we all know what really happened here. Either Pimp Mama Kris shook her cleavage full of cash at Marshall Waller or Khloe Kardashians threatened to skin him alive with her teeth and use his skin to make Bruce Jenner's next face.

Here's Kim making retinas rip while leaving the gym in leggings yesterday afternoon.

That shouldn't surprise anybody. How do you think he got his first role? It made him a star! James Franco is naturally talented at so many things (examples: inducing the dry heaves with just a few words, inducing the dry heaves with his art, inducing the faps by taking off his shirt [I'm disgustingly easy]), but his biggest natural talent of all his natural talents is that he can deep throat like his last name's Travolta. So if James Franco's careers as a movie star, writer, artist, director, soap star, producer, gay messiah and pop culture savior don't work out, he can be a professional deep throater.

Details says that in Spring Breakers, James Franco gives a beej to a pistol and goes all the way down it. They bring this up during their interview with him and also bring up James Franco's beej scene in his movie The Broken Tower. If you want to make a "not impressed," face then click on this NSFW link to see James Franco put his deep throat skills to work on a dildo.

In the first of several three-ways, Franco performs some very impressive deep throat on two of his character's pistols after the girls turn the tables on him and shove them in his mouth.

"Most people can't get past that gag reflex at the back of the throat," I say.

"Guess I'm a natural," he says with a laugh. "It was my first time."

"So that wasn't you in Broken Tower?"

"Oh shit, you're right!" Franco's eyes light up. "It wasn't my first time."

"You're known for going the extra mile, but that was, what, a good eight inches?"

He gives me a get-real look. "That was a dildo." Then he turns that look back on himself, and I see the real James Franco: "If I'd had the guts, it woulda been real."

"If I'd have the guts..." Now, you know that's a lie and you know James' breath smelled like sweaty dick when he said it. James Franco is method all the way, so I'm sure he's gone down on the real thing for research (for research!). I'm also sure that he can't deep throat worth a shit. James look like one of those types who starts heaving like a cat hacking up a hairball when he barely puts the tip in his mouth. He's got "lightweight peen sucker" written all over his face.

Because waving at your subjects and cutting ribbons at the opening of gardens is really hard work, Duchess Kate and Princess William (typo and it stays) got on a plane and flew all the way to Mustique for a babymoon. (Ugh, the phrase "babymoon" hurts my eyes almost as much as the phrase "over the moon" does) last week. While in Mustique, a 4 month knocked up Duchess Kate got into a two piece to take the royal fetus for a swim and a paparazzo got pictures of her "squint and you might see it" bump and sold those pictures to Italy's Chi Magazine.

The last time Duchess Kate and Prince William got in their swimming chonies, a French paparazzo got a picture of her sunning her royal nipple knobs and everybody lost their minds. The newest pictures don't show Kate's royal nipple knobs, but The Queen is still covering Prince Philip's eyes with her pocketbook, because he probably can't take seeing a pregnant woman in a two piece! A messenger from St. James Palace pulled out a scroll and read this statement from the royals:

"We are disappointed that photographs of the Duke and Duchess on a private holiday look likely to be published overseas. This is a clear breach of the couple's right to privacy."

The palace said that the paparazzo used one of those long lenses to get pictures of Kate and William without them knowing. The pictures are pretty damn blurry and it could be two boiled turnips in swimming clothes for all I know, but the pictures are clear enough for me to see that Prince William's got body. Who knew? If he put a Prince Hot Ginge mask over his head, he'd totally be panty creamer material.

And yeah, Duchess Kate and Prince William's lives are so hard.