Well Well Well

This is what happens when Lindsay Lohan's day in court is scheduled for the day after International Drunk Day (aka St. Patrick's Day). LiLo's latest date with the California Justice System is this morning and she was supposed to fly out from NYC to LA on Saturday, giving her a full day to get court-ready glamorous. But since LiLo is a professional fuck up and can't stop fucking up, she skipped her flight on Saturday to see a band instead. TMZ says that LiLo made it to the airport on Sunday night for a 6pm flight and her ass actually got on the plane, but right before takeoff, she jumped off the plane. Apparently, LiLo thought the plane was leaking gas. Dealers should really put a "Warning: May Cause Extreme Paranoid" label all on their 8-balls, because coke paranoia is a real thing.

TMZ says that the plane was delayed over an hour due to an issue with the gas tank or something, so LiLo got scared, thought it was going to crash and got off of it. Bitch probably thought she saw a colonial woman on the wing, churning butter. She was churning butter! Or LiLo probably thought she saw a gremlin pulling parts out of the airplane wing. Bitch, that wasn't a sabotaging gremlin. It was just your reflection in the mirror.

LiLo claims that she wasn't the only one who got a final destination vibe from the flight. She says that 35 other people also got off, because they felt the flight was not safe. The plane did up end stopping in Las Vegas to refuel before landing in L.A. after 11pm.

LiLo spent most of her night in the airport lounge trying to get one of her johns to lend him a private plane. At around 2 or 3 in the morning New York time, she finally got a ride on a private jet from the dude who owns Mr. Pink Energy Drink.

Mr. Pink's private plane was supposed to land around 7am PST time and she's supposed to be in court by 8:30 this morning. That gives LiLo less than 90 minutes to make it to court. We all know what's going to happen. LiLo's going to show up late and cry about how her car got a flat tire, got carjacked by gang members and after hitchhiking for an hour, she finally got a trucker to pick her up. But those gremlins who sabotaged her plane must've also sabotaged the traffic lights in L.A., because they hit every red light! The judge will shrug, tell her to do better next time, validate her parking and then send her on her way. Nothing is going to happen to this mess.

UPDATE: Aaaaaand she's going to be late. TMZ says that Mr. Pink's jet isn't scheduled to land until 8:11am, which gives LiLo less than 20 minutes to get to court on time. It's not going to happen, so ho better start pulling those excuses out of her asshole right about now.

And The Sun never lies to us! How will we ever trust them again? Forget everything I said about how Stacy Keibler has retired from being George Clooney's award season escort and is on the lookout for another piece to turn into a silent arm accessory who will burn the word "marriage" from her vocabulary. George and Stacy proved that they're still together by holding hands while going to dinner with Matt Damon in Berlin last night.

George knows that nothing goes with his stache like a glowing beard. And Stacy has the same kind of glow every ho has when she finds out that her option was finally picked up again. Stacy will get to ride that stache again.

And Stacy went to the trouble of calling the paps to kill the break-up rumors with a hand-holding photo-op, and George couldn't put on a manufactured smile?! He's looking like Grumpy Cat and shit. So ungrateful.

Charlie Sheen and Denise Richard's daughter Sam had to leave her school for good, because she was being bullied by a 9-year-old girl and the school didn't do anything about it. So how did Charlie Sheen handle the situation? Charlie told all of his Twitter followers to write the name of his daughter's bully in dog shit on the front door of the Viewpoint School in Calabasas, CA. Isn't that what all parents would do? Here's Charlie being as sane and reasonable as always:

CADRE!
This is a legitimate call to arms.
my daughter Sam was bullied out of Viewpoint school and then called a liar.
it's on!
if you have a rotted egg
a roll of toilet paper
or some dog shit;
I urge u to deliver it with "extreme prejudice"
to their KamPuss run by trolls and charlatans.
make me proud.
we will not tolerate this level of
abhorrent disrespect towards the child of your favorite Warlock.
And if your feeling the
"show and tell" of it all,
smear the shit to spell one name on the front door;
VICTORIA.
eat that loser.
c
hashtag HYLMN?

TMZ says that the 9-year-old girl was teasing Sam about everything including her mess of a dad and Denise Richards had several meetings at the school about it. Getting teased made Sam physically sick and she couldn't go to school anymore. During Denise's last meeting with the school and the bully's parents,  they all accused Sam of making it all up and telling lies.

It's sad that I think it's progress when the only thing hitting the walls of a school is a piece of dog shit. And if Charlie really wants to make the school suffer, he should send them something much worse than a pile of dog caca. He should send them the Anger Management DVD box set.

Kim Kardashian's farts are infused with the human souls she devours, so you'd think that Anna Wintour would love her and they'd bond over their mutual love of torture while bathing in the blood of the living, but nope! Anna Wintour would rather wear a Juicy Couture tracksuit with Crocs than even speak Kim Kartrashian's name. Kanye West is forever Anna's homegirl and she'll gladly get a Brazilian next to him any day of the week, but she hates everything about Kim Kardashian.

A source tells Star (via Radar) that when Kim and Kanye were whoring themselves out during New York Fashion Week, Anna would run into them at shows and she'd blow air kisses at Gay Fish, but she refused to even look at Pimp Mama Kris' prized heifer. Anna sent Kanye an invitation to last year's MET Costume Gala, but she wouldn't let him bring Kim.

Anna Wintour should've been fired for putting that humanized strip of oatmeal paste Blake NotSoLively on the cover of Vogue more than once, but she has redeemed herself for putting a permanent ban on all things Kuntrashian. But whatever, I'm sure PMK is rolling her eyes at this. PMK doesn't need Anna Wintour! PMK recently got Kim a cover of Vogue, thankyouverymuch. Yes, it's the cover of Vogue Serengeti, but it's still Vogue!

And here's Kim "taking it easy" by walking around L.A. in stilt heels while looking like an overstuffed sausage disguised as a business woman.

If you haven't spent one second with The Carrot Diaries, then consider yourself one of the lucky ones, because I suffered through 3 episodes for the music alone until I realized that I can listen to the same damn music on my iTunes and I don't have to look at AnnaSophia Robb's $2 thirsty wig of curly polyester nightmares while doing so. The Scary Diaries is like a Disney Channel-like period piece (that has double meaning) for fetuses who didn't live through the 80s and I am way too old for that mess. (Cut to me later tonight when I'm puffing on my vaporizer while watching Jessie on the Disney Channel.) The original TV Carrie Bradshaw, Sarah Jessica Parker, pretty much feels the same way. Net-A-Porter Magazine (via UsWeekly) asked SJP how she feels about some girl playing Carrie Bradshaw and she said that it's odd.

How does she feel about another actress playing the role she so definitively brought to life? “I’m not sure… You know, I think it’s one of those tests of your generosity. She [Anna­Sophia Robb] is a lovely girl and I want her to feel good about it, but it’s… odd.”

My mom was talking about The Carrot Diaries the other day and I don't think she really knows that it's about young Carrie Bradshaw, because she asked, "Why didn't they get Sarah Janica to play Katie Bradshaw?" (FYI: Sarah Janica and Katie Bradshaw in mom talk mean Sarah Jessica and Carrie Bradshaw) My mom has a point and she could be a TV executive and a TV casting director. Because if Sarah Janica's Iggy Pop looking ass played a 16-year-old Carrie Bradshaw, I'd totally watch the hell out of that. A drop of some Strangers with Candy shit is definitely what is missing from The Scary Diaries.

And SJP also told Net-A-Porter that she's done with wearing platform horse shoes off camera, because they mangled her hooves:

"For ten or so years, I literally ran in heels. I worked 18-hour days and never took them off. I wore beautiful shoes, some better made than others, and never complained. But then I did I Don’t Know How She Does It, and I was very thoughtful about my whole wardrobe and said, you know, [Kate Reddy] could not afford really good footwear. So I got [lower priced] shoes and the bottoms weren’t leather, they were plastic, so I slipped a couple times, twisted my ankle.

I went to a foot doctor and he said, 'Your foot does things it shouldn't be able to do. That bone there... You've created that bone. It doesn't belong there.' The moral of the story is, the chickens are coming home to roost. It's sad, because my feet took me all over the world, but eventually they were like, 'You know what, we are really tired, can you just stop – and don't put cheap shoes on us?'"

So many farrier jokes, so little time.

And here's SJP stomping on the snow with her twins and nanny in NYC this morning.

Stacy Keibler already achieved what most of George Clooney's past red carpet escorts haven't: she made it past more than one award season. But UsWeekly says that Stacy isn't going to beat her own record, because she's not going to make it to another award season. George isn't planning on renewing her contract and he's having a stone slab with her name on it made for the Memory Walk of Past Beards in the backyard of his Italian villa.

A source tells UsWeekly that George and Stacy are just realizing that their 18 year age difference is screwing with their relationship. 51-year-old George wants to sit on his sex ramp at home and sip on a beer while softly stroking the hair of his Brad Pitt Real Doll. 33-year-old Stacy wants to go out and party and shit. The source also says that George isn't into Stacy's friends, so the end is near. Pour one out for Stacy!

This was about as expected as me drunkenly passing out into a plate of Girl Scout cookie crumbs while watching an episode of Income Property last night, but I thought that Stacy might make it to another award season. As far as my ass knows, Stacy didn't even say the M (for marriage) word! Stacy probably programmed herself to never say that word and now she'll never be able to say it. She's probably allergic to it. If a dude ever tries to propose to her, she'll start getting the shakes when he slips out the M word. Just one of the many side effects of PCD (post Clooney disorder).

And more importantly, since Clooney is obviously in the mood for dumping beards, can he please dump that beard on his face too? You ain't Topol, bitch.

Here's Stacy at the launch of Joe Fresh for JcPenney in L.A. last night.

The chipmunk Susan Powter tweeted today that Billy Ray Cyrus and her cousins aren't driving toward Liam Hemsworth's house with a nail-embedded 2X4 in hand, because she didn't call off her wedding. Miley Cyrus twatted out the denial after Life & Style added more layers of escandalosoness (not really) to the rumor that Liam did her wrong by humping on Sienna Miller's home wrecker protégé January Jones the night before the Oscars. A witness type tells Life & Style that after January and Liam got close at the Chateau Marmont, they went to a house party together where she got on him like her bull dozer vagina was ready to wreck some homes! The witness said this:

“They went to a private house party, and right in the middle of the party, January was clinging to Liam, saying, ‘You’re so handsome.' He kept saying, ‘We can’t do this here.’ Then they left holding hands and went out in the hallway and were making out. She was wasted. It wasn’t good.”

A different source says that January is shameless when it comes to dudes and if your peen is taken, you move to the front of the line. So January could've gotten on Liam just to say that she can. MY SLUT HERO! But the other day, Lainey said in a blind item and in a post that Liam was flirting with Emma Watson at a pre-Oscar party and not January Jones.

Whatever the case may be, Miley isn't hearing any of that and she quit Twitter over all the useless noise filling her ears:

I am so sick of La. And sick of the lies that come with it. I didn't call off my wedding. Taking a break from social media. #draining

my new music is gonna shut everyone up.

not discussing anything but my music from now on.

Miley is right about her new music shutting everyone up, because it's kind of hard to talk shit when you're dry heaving while plugging your ear holes with your fingers.

I almost feel like this engagement was doomed from the beginning. Miley is only 20 and Liam is only 23 and they're both living the best years of their lives. What I mean by that is that they're at an age where they still have enough energy to be a huge whore.

And here's January Jonesingforyourman at the Miu Miu show in Paris today. This is what it would look like if Martian Girl from Mars Attack! was in a remake of Valley of the Dolls.

At the National Fishing Heritage Center in Grimsby, England today, Duchess Kate continued to do her one job: bring up the economy by wearing a coat and dress that thousands of crazy people will buy just because she wore it out in public. While Duchess Kate waved, smiled, waved and grabbed at flowers from her subjects, she might've let the vagina out of the bag by telling everyone that she's carrying the future Queen of England in her royal womb. The Daily Mail says that when Diana Burton gave Duchess Kate a teddy bear, she almost dropped the "daughter" word and it made a bunch of nosy ass hos around her try to get her to spill it. The conversation went like this after Diana gave Kate the teddy bear:

Duchess Kate: "Thank you, I'll take that for my d--"

Sandra Cook, one of the nosies: "You were going to say daughter, weren't you?"

Duchess Kate: "No, we don't know!"

Sandra Cook: "Oh, I think you do."

Duchess Kate: "We're not telling."

Then Duchess Kate smiled at Sandra and whispered something into the ear of her henchman. He snapped his fingers and two guards came out, dragged Sandra Cook into a prison chariot and she hasn't been heard from since!

Duchess Kate's ass could've been talking about anything. Just because she dropped the letter "d" doesn't mean she meant daughter. Maybe she meant "dog," because a gift from a peasant is only good enough for her damn dog. Maybe she meant "down bitch," which means she's going to give it to Queen Elizabeth. But really, she probably meant "dude," which means she's going to give to Prince William, which means he's totally going to fuck it. I knew Prince William was a down low plushie.

And if they have a girl, they're totally naming her Princess Harryetta Diana.

Miley Cyrus is sharpening her chipmunk teeth on a rock and Tish Cyrus is dipping her hooves in glue and glass, because they're coming for Liam Hemsworth that dick-stealing ice cold hussy harlot January Jones!

Miley's betrothed Liam Hemsworth went to a pre-Oscar party at Chateau Marmont on Saturday night and Star (via Radar) says that he was all over January Jones. Miley wasn't with him at the time or we'd probably be reading about how January was seen running down the driveway of Chateau Marmont as a rabid, foaming-at-the-mouth chipmunk chased after her.

A witness type says that party guests were all clutching their Tampax pearls while watching Liam and January get close. They weren't even trying to hide it and the witness said that they had some "hot chemistry." The witness type went on to say that they were all over each other and even kissed lips at one point.

At the end of the night, January and Liam got into the back seat of the same car and drove away together.

There are a million explanations for this. Maybe Miley and Liam broke up? Maybe Miley and Liam have one of those open relationship and she lets him dip his tongue in frozen twats and he lets her dip her tongue in twats? Maybe January Jones is a serious environmentalist and insists on carpooling to save money on gas? Maybe this eyewitness type was snorting that Lohan powder and had no idea what they were seeing, because it's kind of impossible for human icicle January Jones to have "hot" chemistry with anyone.

But then again, the magic phrase that opens up January's legs is, "You do know I have a fiancee (or wife), right?"

Since Sienna Miller is busy being a boring family woman now, somebody has to be Hollywood's premiere home wrecker and it might as well be January Jones.

Tracy Flick's spirit animal Anne Hathaway knows that Valium prescriptions are up by 300%, because a ton of people had to overly medicate themselves to deal with the soul-killing baby voice she used in all of her overly rehearsed acceptance speeches. Anne said that all the hate got to her, but that she knows there's a negative to every positive and blah blah blah blah. A source tells UsWeekly that Anne worked on her Oscar speech a lot, because she wanted to come off as more likable to her haters. It didn't work! Was Anne's coach Taylor Swift, because if you want to come off as more likable you don't start your speech by saying "It came true" like you're Cinderfuckingrella.

The source said that she practiced her speech a lot and tweaked it so people wouldn't have the urge to choke out their TV screens. The source said, "She was very aware that she had been the butt of everyone's jokes."

Why does Anne even care? Anne has the only thing in life she's ever wanted, AN OSCAR, and she probably has a six pack on her lungs from all the heavy breathing she did during her speeches, so why the hell should she care how we feel. Anne should just tell us to eat her farts and then disappear off the face of Hollywood the way most Best Supporting Actresses do.

And one of my friends, who loves Anne Hathaway the same way I love tortillas with mayonnaise, IMed yesterday and said something like, "Why do you hate Anne Hathaway so much? Is it because she reminds you of high school since she was the kind of girl who was your only friend back then?"

I hate it when whores tell me the truth.