Well Well Well

Getting a job as Brit Brit's leased boyfriend is almost harder than getting a job as Tommy Girl's robot beard and it's way harder than getting a job at Target. Radar says that right after Brit Brit's contract with Jason Trainwreck expired and he was dropped from her payroll, Daddy Spears started looking for a new full-time male escort to keep her occupied so she won't chew out the tracking device from under her skin, pull her pink wig out of storage and go on a gas station terror tour again.

A source says that Daddy Spears gave David Lucado the job, because the dude's normal enough and just like Brit Brit, he likes dressing like he just bought everything from a Miller's Outpost clearance sale in the 90s. But before Normal Guy Dave officially got the job as Brit Brit's corporate Frapp holder, he had to go through a serious background check and sign an agreement stating that he'll never open up his mouth about her personal life. Radar's source didn't say this, but I'm pretty sure Normal Guy Dave also got a health check-up to make sure he's not allergic to spicy pork rinds and Cheetos. That's a deal breaker. The source said this:

“Jamie has known David (Lucado) for awhile, and always thought he was a thoughtful, and an all-around good guy. Britney needed someone to keep her company after she and Jason (Trawick) broke up. It had to be a male, because Britney just doesn’t respond as well to females. And remember, she is still under a conservatorship. Before David started spending time with Brit, he had to undergo a background check, and sign a confidentiality agreement, all arranged by Papa Spears. Jamie makes sure if things go south between Jamie and Britney, details about her life wouldn’t be made public. David had absolutely no problem with it, and completely understood why it was being done."

"Britney just doesn't respond as well to females...." They're talking about her like she's a sedated circus animal who's only purpose to her emotionless handlers is to make them zillions of dollars. Oh, wait...

Background checking a possible piece isn't only something that a hillbilly puppet master does to protect his money-making pop doll, it's something a lot of people do. At one time, my cousin wanted to be a regular Detective La Toya and she was taking private investigator training courses. Running background checks became her drug. She loved doing it. Every time I started dating a new dude, she'd ask me if I wanted her to run a background check on him. I always turned her ass down, because what's the point? Even if he had a record the size of a Lohan's or had a credit score under 600, I'd still do him.

Here's Normal Guy Dave and Brit Brit going to eat meatballs in Las Vegas over the weekend. Try not to be jealous of her hillbilly Farrah wings.

Lindsay Lohan is currently rubbing her cokey vag all over musician type Avi Snow (she would get it on a dude with the last name "Snow"), but a few months ago she was apparently spreading her chocha queso on a dude who had a girlfriend of five years. The girlfriend Aesha Waks (the girl on the left who sort of looks like she's made with half Olsen DNA and half Arquette DNA) tells Star Magazine that her full-time, live-in piece Liam McMullan (the dude in the middle who looks like the dandiest Slytherin you've ever seen) left her after he hooked up with Lindsay Lohan.

Aesha said that Liam didn't spend Christmas with her and when she asked him about it he let her know that he spent Jesus' birthday tangled up in Lindsay Lohan's pussy. Now, if you're dude tells you that he put his lips on LiLo's sex parts, you change the locks, forget he existed and rinse your ears out with bleach just in Lohan diseases are catchable through a phone call (it's more than possible). But Aesha didn't do any of that. She begged him to come back to her. If only dignity came in a pill, Aesha wouldn't have said any of this shit:

“Lindsay destroyed my world. I am devastated and still love him, but he says he wants to be with her and save her. I was supposed to spend Christmas day with Liam and his family, but he cancelled. A few days later, Liam finally got in touch and said that he and Lindsay had formed a ‘deep spiritual relationship.’ He admitted that he had actually been with Lindsay on Christmas, lying in bed for hours together.”

Liam tells Star that he and Aesha were done before he got with LiLo.

Deep spiritual relationship? Yeah, I've had many of those. I've had one with my a throw pillow after taking thirty too many bong hits. Deep spiritual relationship is just a fancy way of saying LiLo's got good coke. If your piece leaves you for Lindsay Lohan, it has nothing to do with you personally. Bitch just left your ass, because LiLo has better drugs than you. That's all!

In "RiRi is a tacky, tardy ass, but what else is new?" news, RiRi kept 2,000 school children in Chicago waiting for over three hours on Thursday afternoon. Barrington High School in Chicago won first place in the national "Shine Like A Diamond" contest and their prize was getting a visit from RiRi.  They should've asked if they could get cash instead, because they waited and waited and waited and waited and waited for her stupid ass to show up.

The Chicago Tribune says that the students were all gathered in the gym at around noon and she was supposed to drop in at 1pm. When 1pm came and went, all the kids turned into clumps of boredom and spent their time Facebooking on their phones and braiding each other's hair. The school then announced that she would show up at 2. At around 4:30, RiRi tweeted that she was stuck in traffic. Bitch finally strolled in after 5pm and was there for a grand total of 16 minutes. RiRi talked for a second and posed for pictures before leaving. RiRi didn't apologize for being a tardy bitch. The school principal said that she apologized to him and gave him a few extra concert tickets to pass out to the students.

Several students weren't amused and weren't shy about it either. One seventh grader said, "Rihanna is pathetic. She shouldn't be making us wait for her." Another student co-signed that statement and added a few words of her own, "It's one thing to be fashionably late. This is just rude. Our lives don't revolve around a pop star. Our school worked hard to win this. She should be more respectful."

First of all, the only reason for RiRi to be at a school assembly is to tell the children to learn from her mistakes and to not go back to the crusted-over piece of dick cheese who almost beat your face off. Second of all, RiRi could've apologized by giving every student a weed bouquet. Nothing says I'm truly sorry like a weed bouquet.

RiRi is NO Tina Yothers. Tina Yothers spoke at my school and not only did she stay for hours, but she also had lunch with us. But I'm sure she only had lunch with us because it was square pizza day.

(Pic via @spanishnavy)

Daddy Spears obviously insists on sending Brit Brit out for staged hand holding photo-ops with her leased boyfriend David Somethingoranother, but couldn't he fix her style beforehand? This makes the veins in my eyeballs hurt since we're so used to seeing Brit Brit looking like the fashion icon she is in baggy, grease-stained sweats, a t-shirt that doubles as a booger rag and fug boots that are meant to be given out as a gag gift.

I liked that dress better when Lily Tomlin wore it in Big Business. It looks like something a Project Runway contestant would come up with if they had to make a flight attendant dress out of tablecloths and napkins from a Sweet 16 birthday party. And she just had to go full fug by pairing a black and pink dress with your memaw's least favorite brown church shoes. Those are dookie shoes. And he looks like the maitre d' of a Cracker Barrel.

I swear, Daddy Spears is totally just screwing with us now.

Typing the words "Christina Aguilera actually looks kind of natural in the face" feels unnatural, wrong and it goes against all the laws of clown glamour, but it's what I have to type, because she kind of does.  It only took five chisels, a sandblaster and a few dozen passes through the $5 car wash at the Shell gas station, but they managed to scrape all thirty five layers of dried Bronzer off of Xtina's skin for last night's screening of The Voice 4 in Los Angeles.

Xtina kept her mug on the natural side and pruned her brows so they don't look like they belong on a box of Count Chocucla, and I know I'm supposed to say she looks better like this, but I can't. Xtina is just isn't the same when she doesn't look like a Hatchet Face impersonator/clown hooker who just worked five shifts in a row. Although, at least her weave still looks like it was put together using ten different kinds of man-made materials.

Here's some other hos at last night's screening party. In order: Xtina, Blake Shelton with Miranda Lambert, Justin Bieber's biological mother, Delta Goodrimgjob, Seal and Benji Madden.

Somebody just keeps screwing with OctoMom's life, because when authorities aren't investigating her for being a drunken wreck who loses her kids, she's being investigated for cheating taxpayers out of money. TMZ says that somebody tipped off the authorities about Octo's shady ways. They told officials at the L.A. County Dept. of Welfare Fraud Prevention and Investigation that Octo is collecting welfare even though she's not eligible since she made $200,000 last year.

The fame whore business is obviously the business to be in, because Octo allegedly made all that money from banging herself in the most tragic fap porn ever, stripping, making appearances and whoring her child army out. Before she was making all that money, Octo went on welfare to help her to put food in the mouths of all 14 of her kids. Since Octo has 15 mouths to feed including her own, she's eligible for public assistance if she makes less than $119,000 a year. If the person who snitched her out is telling the truth, then she's way over the limit and is breaking laws.

Investigators have launched an investigation and have already talked to people around Octo. If they find out that she did commit welfare fraud and she's convicted of it, she could get up to 3 years in the clink.

$200,000 is a lot of coins, but it's not a lot of coins when you have to take care of 14 screaming kids who are constantly screaming at you to put food in their stomach bags. If I lived in one house with that many children, I would spend every cent of that $200,000 on booze, weed and black market anti-depressants. I know this crazy bitch did to herself, but damn.

What Octo needs to do is rent out her child army. If you know someone who is having unprotected sex and isn't ready to be a parent, pay Octo $200 to let them live with her child army for one day. It'll be like Planned Parenthood's answer to Scared Straight. Their baby making parts will be scared into never wanting to produce a human ever. Octo will make a quick $200, she won't have to pay a babysitter, she can stop abusing the welfare system and that person you know who isn't ready to be a parent will never have sex again! It's a win/win for everyone.

Or Octo can just admit that she committed welfare fraud and gladly go to prison where she can smoke contraband weed and inject dish soap into her lips.

Naomi Watts tells Australia's Good Health Magazine (via E!) that even though she's not completely shaking her head no to the idea of getting her face pulled, plucked and tucked, she thinks doing so would be a bad career move, because she wouldn't be able to show raw emotion in her face. Without naming names (*cough* Nicole Kidman *cough*), Naomi said some actresses who do plasticize their faces end up looking like a shellacked piece of Silly Putty with eyes.

"Never say never—and I certainly don't judge anyone who does it. But most of the characters I play are going through some kind of emotional turmoil, so my job requires me to have expression. If my face was froze, what right do I have to play that part? All the women who haven't anything to their faces are still able to play great roles. And some of the ones who have done something have messed it up—they look freakish. Anyway, for me it's about playing women with rich lives—and the longer the life, the deeper the wrinkles."

Naomi's obviously not talking shit about her good fwend Nicole Kidman, because Nicole Kidman is nearly 100% all natural and organic. A Botox needle has only touched Nicole's face once and she just naturally looks like a cold mound of dough that's been overworked with a roller. But if Naomi is talking about Nicole, then she appreciates the shade, because it keeps her frozen face frozen.

The apple of Victor Garber's brown eye, Bradley Cooper, laughed at the rumor that he was dating Jennifer Lawrence, because he said he's old enough to have made her. B. Coop also turned down Taylor Swift, because he apparently he only wants to date tricks who were alive when Hart to Hart was still on TV (that's a good rule, actually). But forget everything B. Coop has said, because now he's starring in awkward staged photo-ops with 20-year-old British model Suki Waterhouse. 

B. Coop is currently in Boston shooting the new David O. Russell movie with Christian Bale, Amy Adams, Louis C.K. and Jennifer Lawrence, and Suki flew there from London to hang out with his ass. A source tells UsWeekly that Suki and B. Coop only met last month and they've been casually dating ever since. By the way, "casually dating" is publicist talk for "beard training period."

B. Coop's publicist should probably tell him not to shout shit like, "I won't date girls who can be my daughter," because you never know when you're going to be set up with a beard who's old enough to be your daughter. Like when people ask me what my type is. I always say, ANYTHING. Preferably, breathing, but anything really. It's good to keep your options open. I won't hold that against B. Coop, though. Even though she's only 20, B. Coop still made a good choice. If I was shopping for beards, I'd probably go with Suki too. I mean, she's a little Sienna Miller-ish and her name is Suki Waterhouse. That is a hot name. Suki Waterhouse sounds like the name of a conniving banking heiress in an 80s comedy movie starring Bette Midler and Rick Moranis. SOLD!

This is what happens when Lindsay Lohan's day in court is scheduled for the day after International Drunk Day (aka St. Patrick's Day). LiLo's latest date with the California Justice System is this morning and she was supposed to fly out from NYC to LA on Saturday, giving her a full day to get court-ready glamorous. But since LiLo is a professional fuck up and can't stop fucking up, she skipped her flight on Saturday to see a band instead. TMZ says that LiLo made it to the airport on Sunday night for a 6pm flight and her ass actually got on the plane, but right before takeoff, she jumped off the plane. Apparently, LiLo thought the plane was leaking gas. Dealers should really put a "Warning: May Cause Extreme Paranoid" label all on their 8-balls, because coke paranoia is a real thing.

TMZ says that the plane was delayed over an hour due to an issue with the gas tank or something, so LiLo got scared, thought it was going to crash and got off of it. Bitch probably thought she saw a colonial woman on the wing, churning butter. She was churning butter! Or LiLo probably thought she saw a gremlin pulling parts out of the airplane wing. Bitch, that wasn't a sabotaging gremlin. It was just your reflection in the mirror.

LiLo claims that she wasn't the only one who got a final destination vibe from the flight. She says that 35 other people also got off, because they felt the flight was not safe. The plane did up end stopping in Las Vegas to refuel before landing in L.A. after 11pm.

LiLo spent most of her night in the airport lounge trying to get one of her johns to lend him a private plane. At around 2 or 3 in the morning New York time, she finally got a ride on a private jet from the dude who owns Mr. Pink Energy Drink.

Mr. Pink's private plane was supposed to land around 7am PST time and she's supposed to be in court by 8:30 this morning. That gives LiLo less than 90 minutes to make it to court. We all know what's going to happen. LiLo's going to show up late and cry about how her car got a flat tire, got carjacked by gang members and after hitchhiking for an hour, she finally got a trucker to pick her up. But those gremlins who sabotaged her plane must've also sabotaged the traffic lights in L.A., because they hit every red light! The judge will shrug, tell her to do better next time, validate her parking and then send her on her way. Nothing is going to happen to this mess.

UPDATE: Aaaaaand she's going to be late. TMZ says that Mr. Pink's jet isn't scheduled to land until 8:11am, which gives LiLo less than 20 minutes to get to court on time. It's not going to happen, so ho better start pulling those excuses out of her asshole right about now.

And The Sun never lies to us! How will we ever trust them again? Forget everything I said about how Stacy Keibler has retired from being George Clooney's award season escort and is on the lookout for another piece to turn into a silent arm accessory who will burn the word "marriage" from her vocabulary. George and Stacy proved that they're still together by holding hands while going to dinner with Matt Damon in Berlin last night.

George knows that nothing goes with his stache like a glowing beard. And Stacy has the same kind of glow every ho has when she finds out that her option was finally picked up again. Stacy will get to ride that stache again.

And Stacy went to the trouble of calling the paps to kill the break-up rumors with a hand-holding photo-op, and George couldn't put on a manufactured smile?! He's looking like Grumpy Cat and shit. So ungrateful.