Well Well Well

Taylor Swift's former slumber party snuggle buddy Harry Styles went to dinner at Dan Tana's in L.A. with a bunch of the Stewarts last night and depending on who you ask, he's bumping nipples with one of them.

The photo agency Pacific Coast News says that 19-year-old Harry was holding hands and kissing on the 33-year-old baby mother of Benicio Del Toro, Kimbo Stewart. The only good thing that can come out of Harry dating Kimbo Stewart is the crazed Directioners dragging her the same way that motorbike dragged her on the red carpet a million years ago. But PopCandies TV has video of Harry picking up a different Stewart. They have a video of 25-year-old Ruby Stewart getting a ride (not that kind of ride) from Harry Styles. So which Stewart is it or is Harry the pass-around-patty of the Stewart family and is doing all of them?

I say that it's not Kimbo and it's not Ruby and it's not Penny Lancaster. I say that it's the sexiest and easiest blonde tramp of the Stewart family: Rod Stewart!

My proof is this picture of Harry behind Rod. You can cut the sexual tension between those two with Kimbo's chin. Harry is gazing away, because he's so wrapped in a walking dream where he's sucking on Rod's juicy German Shepherd mole. Finally, a couple I can get behind. And no, I didn't mean that in more ways than one.

Jennifer Aniston taped an episode of Ellen yesterday (that shit airs today) and right after she farted on the fake rumor that a Friends reunion is happening next year, Ellen showed a clip of what happened when Jennifer Aniston tried to scare a ho. Jennifer Aniston is as good at scaring hos as she is at playing anybody but herself in movies. Ellen asked Aniston if she ever scares her piece Justin Theroux and she said that he's the one who scares her ass. Justin is always hiding behind drapes and jumping out at her.

"He calls it trickery. But he's constantly hiding behind drapes. And I'm constantly scared. It's like, it doesn't get old on me."

Oh, that Aniston births out a million laughs a second. Justin Theroux isn't hiding behind the drapes, because he wants to scare her. Justin Theroux is hiding behind the drapes, because he's the scared one. You too would be hiding behind whatever you could if before she left the house, your girlfriend chained you to something heavy and put her most trustworthy Cabbage Patch Police Kids in front of you so you won't try anything funny. (Officer Cutey McPatches sees EVERYTHING.)

Justin isn't jumping out at Aniston, because he's trying to spook her ass. He's jumping out, because he hears the foot steps of another human and thinks that help has finally arrived to rescue him! Then when he finds out it's just Aniston, he sighs and goes back to his place behind the drapes to drink his Smart Water and cuddle with the blanket she made for him using her dog's shed fur.

Here's Aniston talking about Justin's "trickery" on Ellen.

While reading Robert Downey Jr.'s interview with GQ, I learned that he made $50 million for The Avengers, always carries around a vial of antiparasitics (for when he's about to eat sushi or breathe in the same air as a Kardashian), has four alpacas and thinks he's one of the best actors around who will have his hands around Oscar's tiny ass cheeks one day.

I guess RDJ once said that he thinks he's always the most talented ho on the set, so GQ asked him if he really thinks that. RDJ said he did, but he also said that Hollywood is full of crap actors who have the emotional range of a dried up nipple pimple, so that's not saying much.

GQ: But I still believe that you think you're almost always the most talented person there.

RDJ: Yeah, but you know what? I'm afraid that's just a tape that's running in my head, and I'm really happy that it's there, but it doesn't make it real.

GQ: And so if you stop that tape running for a second, how talented are you?

RDJ: I'm probably one of the best.

GQ: That was you speaking, and not the tape?

RDJ: Yeah. But it's not that big a deal. It's not like this is the greatest swath or generation of actors that has ever come down the pike.

GQ: What are you bad at as an actor?

RDJ: Tons. Everything I avoid. I don't like opening doors and looking surprised. I can do all that emo stuff, but I'm so over everyone who has to have a meltdown— everybody is emotional all the time. In movies people seem to be more emotional than they would ever be if that situation was actually happening to them.

RDJ was nominated for Chaplin and he lost, which he says made him frown for a second. When he was nominated again for Tropic Thunder, he knew he was going to lose, because he was up against Heath Ledger. RDJ says he doesn't mind going to the Oscars and watching other hos win, because he knows it'll be his turn one day.

GQ: How much would you like to win an Oscar?

RDJ: I couldn't care less.

GQ: Really?

RDJ: Well, I know it's going to happen.

GQ: Is that the persona or the person speaking?

RDJ: That's just a fact.

GQ: You're certain?

RDJ: I, personally, would be shocked if we went to the end of the tape now and I didn't have at least one.

GQ: Why?

RDJ: Because it just doesn't make sense. That's why I don't mind showing up and watching everybody else get them.

GQ: Why doesn't it make sense?

RDJ: Because I'm young enough, and I'm running down being occupied with these kind of genre movies, close enough. Even the next thing we're doing with the missus, I'm so confident about it. It's the best script the studio has; it's the best thing I've read in years. You know, honestly, my real answer to that is: I don't care. I used to think I cared, and I couldn't care less. Now, I'm not saying I wouldn't get a little choked up, but it is amazing to see how people are literally hyperventilating when they get up there, because they have such an attachment to this outcome. I mean, it's not like we're at the fucking Olympics or something. Look, even if I don't get one directly, eventually they're just going to have to give me one when I get old. So no matter how you slice it, I'm getting one.

"People are literally hyperventilating when they get up there..." RDJ, I see you throwing a little shade at GOOPY Paltrow for nearly hyperventilating out of her pink princess dress when she was an Oscar for being a pretty bland girl with famous parents. RDJ isn't telling any lies, though. He will win an Oscar one day and if he doesn't, somebody will win one for playing Robert Downey Jr. in The Robert Downey Jr. Story and I'm sure they'll hyperventilate out of their panties when they win.

Don't mess with The Camel or he'll spit at you in a track. Jay-Z released a new song called "Open Letter" where he tries to drag his haters for bitching about his trip to Cuba and bitching about him selling his one-fifteenth of 1% share of the Nets. Jay-Z also calls himself the "Bob Dylan of rap" and raps about how Obama told him to chill. If the planet is feeling a little extra suffocating today, it's because Jay-Z's ego just got 500 tons bigger.

Miss Info says that Jay-Z thought it was gross that CNN was spending more time covering his trip to Cuba than North Korea attacking our asses (uh huh, you know he massaged his balls while watching all that coverage of his trip) so he recorded a response song late last night. In "Open Letter," Jay-Z whine raps about how a couple of politicians want to punish him and Beyonce for going to Cuba.

I done turned Havana to Atlanta

Boy from the hood but got White House clearance
Sorry y'all, I don't agree with y'all appearance
Politicians never did shit for me
Except lie to me, distort history
Wanna give me jail time and a fine
Fine, let me commit a real crime

I'm in Cuba, I love Cubans
This communist talk is so confusing
When it's from China, the very mic that I'm using
Idiot wind, the Bob Dylan of rap music
You're an idiot baby, you should become a student
Oh, you gonna learn today

Since Jay-Z had the mic in front of him, he kept going and continued to stroke his own dick when rapping about selling his share in the Nets.

Hear the freedom in my speech
Got an onion from Universal, read it and weep
Would've brought the Nets to Brooklyn for free
Except I made millions off it, you fuckin' dweeb
I still own the building, I'm still keeping my seat
Y'all buy that bullshit, you'd better keep your receipt

And finally, Jay-Z rapped about Obama's response to the Cuba shit:

Obama said chill, you gonna get me impeached
But you don't need this shit anyway
Chill with me on the beach

So there you go. Jay-Z is the king of the world, Obama made him a friendship bracelet, nobody can touch him and blah blah queef blah blah... We know, we know. While all of us roll our eyes to the right and to the left, Jay-Z's other best friend forever Goopy Paltrow is probably silently weeping into the morning cup of decaffeinated air she drinks every day, because not one of those lyrics is about her. What about Goop?!

And that is the face of a woman who now knows that everybody knows that she's doing Seth MacFarlane.

Charlize Theron was supposedly sniffing all over Seth McFartlane's crotch at an Oscars after-party in February and now here they are leaving Matsuhisa in Beverly Hills last night. The humanized Peter Brady bobblehead doll has a smug look on his face that says "oh yeah, you know where my peen is going tonight" and Charlize Theron is making the true definition of a shame face. It's the same face a Craigslist one-night-stand makes when I see one of them out in public. I know that face!

Seth McFartlane always has a smug face on, but now he really has a reason to be a smug bitch. When you're getting naked with Charlize Theron on the regular, you're probably always happily smug no matter what happens to you. If Seth got food poisoning and spent the entire night barfing up shit and shitting up barf, he can stop for a second and let out a smug smile, because he reminded himself that he's fucking Charlize Theron. If Seth opens up a bag of delicious Gummy Bears and finds that they all melted together and formed a disgusting bar of gumminess (that's the worst), he can curse at the air for a second and then stop to let out a smug smile, because he remembered that he's fucking Charlize Theron. If he finds out that his entire family has been kidnapped by pirates, he can.....you know what I'm going to type.

Seth is directing Charlize in a movie, so this could've been a business thing, but her "yes, I'm hitting it and I'm not proud of it" face says everything.

Jessica and Asshole Simpson's mother Tina Simpson wasn't exactly shitting out rays of happiness when she found out that every time her husband of 35 years Papa Joe said he was going to bible study to get on his knees and pray to the lord, he was actually going to some studio apartment in the valley to get on his knees and worship some twink dick. Right after Tina Simpson found out that Papa Joe's tongue regularly frolicked on the hairless ass cheeks of 20-something blond boys, she almost jumped from the edge and wanted to take him with her. That's what Radar says anyway.

Tina allegedly wrote a suicide note saying that she was so angry that she wanted to shoot Papa Joe before shooting herself. Tina left the note inside of her house in Encino, CA, Papa Joe found it and immediately gave it to his lawyers to use it against her in their divorce war. How nice of him! The source put it like this:

“Tina was so distraught when she found out about Joe’s secret gay affair, she immediately wrote a suicide note. It was fairly detailed and she said she wanted to shoot herself for what Joe had done to their 35-year marriage. Worse still, Tina wanted to shoot Joe as well. She was just so angry with him. But, instead of killing herself, Tina headed straight to a New York hotel to confront Joe about Bryce Chandler Hill. However, when Joe returned to the Encino home in Los Angeles they shared, he found the note, made a copy and gave it to his divorce lawyer as a bargaining tool for the settlement.

Tina eventually offered Joe half of the family fortune. An offer of a 50 percent split of everything under the Simpson name has been offered to Joe. That includes the coveted Jessica Simpson Collection, which Joe desperately wanted because that’s the real cash cow.”

Threatening to pull some murder/suicide shit is never a good idea, but if you found out that your husband was now dressing like the member of a failed 90s boy band that only played the county fair circuit (see: pictures from March below), you too might lose the sanest part of your mind. But Tina should really be relieved. Because she probably thought that Papa Joe was a creepy, sucio perv who wanted to motorboat his daughters, but it turns out he was just a cheating bastard who wants to motoroboat twink ass. Yeah, he lied to Tina Simpson all those years, but at least she knows he doesn't want to do their daughters. There's a bright side for everything!

And the lives of twink gold diggers and the makers of highlighting caps will be made if Papa Joe really does get half of the Simpson family fortune.

This might come as a shock to the zero of you who haven't seen that video of Miley Cyrus letting out a chipmunk cackle after sucking down a bong full of salvia smoke or haven't seen all the pictures of her swallowing a cloud of weed smog, but she likes to get high. Weed is to Miley as a Taco Party Pack for one is to Billy Ray Cyrus.

The trailer park Slytherin was hanging out with friends on her hotel balcony in Miami yesterday when the paps caught her smoking a blunt. Billy Ray would totally ground Miley for this, but then she'd probably take away the weekly allowance she pays him and then how would he buy his Taco Party Packs?!

But seriously, Miley's close friends and family should really stop her before shit really gets out of hand. They need to stage an intervention right away. They need to gather around her and calmly tell her that she's not only hurting those around her, but she's also hurting herself when she puts her hair in a top pony-tail like that! Loved ones don't let loved ones do themselves up like a derpy Bamm-Bamm Rubble.

That poor delicious blunt. It doesn't deserve to be sucked on by a trick who looks like a white sumo wrestler on meth.

Thanks to Helen for sending in this picture of the delicate and fragile Scientology blossom Tommy Girl keeping his thetans warm and toasty at the premiere of Oblivion in Dublin on Wednesday.

While the nipples of Tommy's fans turned into chest icicles from standing in the cold, he kept warm by making one of his mortal slaves follow him around with a portable heater. That dude's "I thought that when I slipped this important badge around my neck I would be doing important work" face says it all. But you know, dude is doing the most important job. If Tommy freezes his ass off, then he won't be be the bossy bottom star of every Scientology bathhouse orgy and that'll make him sad. Or maybe that's not a portable heater after all. Maybe it's some sort of Scientology machine that blocks the glibness in the air from touching his body. That's probably it.

Here's more of Tommy at the Dublin premiere of Oblivion and also some pictures of him with his co-star Olga Kurylenko at the London premiere. This might be the exact moment when Olga realized that Tommy is batshit insane (she's a little tardy to the party) or maybe she spotted this beautiful lip-liner worshiper behind him.

41-year-old multi-millionaire hotelier Vikram Chatwal, better known as Lindsay Lohan's regular, was put into handcuffs at Florida's Fort Lauderdale/Hollywood International Airport on Tuesday when his stupid ass tried to get onto an airplane with a whole lot of drugs shoved into his panties and carry-on. What an amateur. LiLo has never been more embarrassed, because she can shove half of Bolivia into her Chocha Full of Grace and easily walk by a drug-sniffing dog. The drug-sniffing dog's nose doesn't even twitch, but probably because it knows to hold its breath whenever she walks by.

Both People and TMZ say that TSA found 6 grams of heroin, coke, Xanax, weed, cat tranquilizers and other pills hidden in his crotch area and bag. Vikram didn't have a prescription for any of those drugs and he later admitted that he bought all of that shit illegally. The TSA handed him over to the Broward County Sherrif's Office and he was booked on one count of trafficking and seven counts of possession.

LiLo couldn't be reached for comment, because she was too busy scratching out Vikram's number from her black book. How can she be associated with a first degree dum-dum who didn't use the fool-proof "THAT'S NOT MY CROTCH! THAT'S NOT MY BAG!" excuse? But Michael Lohan was available for comment (duh) and he told Radar that he's really happy about this:

"I hope all the money in the world can’t get him out of this one. After seeing pictures of him in the past partying with Lindsay in the Dream Hotel it scares me to think that he had ketamine in his possession. I can only image what might have or would have happened to Lindsay with a sick person like this. Even worse, after communicating with Dina she has the nerve to actually defend Vikram. Birds of a feather flock together!”

Of course White Oprah's going to defend Vikram. You never bite the hand that feeds you coke. It's kind of funny, because  "I can only image what might happen to Lindsay with a sick person like this" is the same thing the nurse thought to herself when she handed over a baby LiLo to Michael Lohan.

Here's LiLo, Vikram and her other sugar daddy Domingo Zapata at some gallery show opening last year.

Underage girls in New Jersey who want to look like a deep fried piece of turkey jerky in sequins at their prom all cried tears of sadness on April Fools' Day when Governor Chris Christie signed off on the new "Tan Mom Law" which bans under-17ers from using commercial tanning beds. The legislation became a thing after Tan Mom got in trouble for allegedly taking her 5-year-old daughter into a tanning booth with her. Tan Mom denied it and a grand jury chose not to go after her ass.

The new law states that anybody under the age of 17 who wants a tanning bed glow has to have a parent or legal guardian present. The legal guardian and the kid also have to sit through a consultation together. Also, kids under the age of 14 can't get a spray tan. TMZ talked to the former face of tanning, Tan Mom, on the streets of New Jersey yesterday and asked her what she thinks about the new law. If Tan Mom could liquefy that law and mix it with orange paint before smearing it all over her face, she would. Tan Mom loves the law, because she thinks that kids shouldn't use tanning beds. Tan Mom also made tanning bed executives put their head through a noose by saying she doesn't tan anymore.

I'm great with it. I believe that it should be something that's spoken about and now it's being rectified after I went through a year of mockery of something I never would do and I did not do it. I won, cause I would not give in. That's the bottom line on that issue. Yes, [I am the reason the law passed.] No, [I don't tan anymore].

And with that, tanning beds are officially over. RIP TANNING BEDS! If the empress of tanning beds is turning her orange back on tanning beds, everyone is going to turn their back on tanning beds. Besides, Tan Mom is proving that you don't need to lie in a tanning bed to looks like a beautiful orange butterfly weed. All you need is foundation made by Tang and a tube of lipstick (in shade: corpse labia).