And You Are....?
Break off a bone from a chicken drumstick and sharpen it into a shank, because shit is getting real. This isn't international supermodel Phoebe Price, this is an impostor who goes by the name Maria Kanellis. Maria is a contestant on Celebrity Apprentice, and it looks like she's trying to get a piece of the chicken pot pie. Bitch ain't even a Chicken McNugget, let alone Chicken Cutlets!
Everybody and their butcher knows that Phoebe Price is the only creature with hair like a red fern waterfall who is allowed to put reject craft projects on top of her head! And Maria is doing everything wrong.
You're not supposed to actually read the tabloid, you're supposed to turn to some random page and pose with it! You're not supposed to pay the parking meter, you're supposed to pose in front of it as though it's the Eiffel Tower. Really, Maria!? If you're going to attempt to copy perfection, you have to come harder. Maybe PP will see something in this lost poor thing and take Maria under her freckled wing.
AFTER ALL THAT, People has confirmed that the answer to the "Who is coming out?" blind item is country singer Chely Wright (aka WHO?!). Chely's lesbian non-bomb was supposed to drop this Wednesday, but People came clean this morning after everyone and their bikini waxer spoiled the news over the weekend. Yes, this is what it feels like to get a wet handjob without release. Let's all bump blue balls while cursing People's name.
Chely, who has a book and a CD coming out this week, queefs to People, "There had never, ever been a country music artist who had acknowledged his or her homosexuality (Ed note: K.D. Lang just shank eyed bitch). I wasn't going to be the first. Nothing in my life has been more magical than the moment I decided to come out."
You know what will be more magical? The feeling Chely will get in her heart when she sees the extra sales from her CD and book because of her People Magazine cover. Nothing hugs your soul and makes you feel clean like a publicity stunt. Good for you, Chely.
Not all is lost though. At least I got to post this picture of Chely wearing a truly hot outfit. Thanks to Chely I can now wear a window scarf as a waist accessory with confidence!
The blind item about a celebrity coming out on the cover of People Magazine on Wednesday has apparently been solved. Put your magnifying glass down, Detective La Toya.
Chely's publicist is Howard Bragman and she has a book, Like Me: Confessions of a Heartland Country Singer, and an album, Lifted Off the Ground, coming out on Thursday, so it all makes sense that she will be the one declaring her love for vagina on the cover of People this week. And nothing gets you noticed like a bunch of conservative country fans asking Walmart to ban your CD because you've got "tha lesbiansessual sicks." Although, I don't even know if they're going to care.
I wonder what the headline will be for Chely's People Magazine cover. I hope it's one of these four:
1. Chely Wright (Google her, you dumb fuck!) is a lesbian!
2. Chely Wright (Yeah, we don't know either) is a lesbian!
3. Chely Write says: "I'm Gay!" Mariah Carey's response is: "I don't know her"
4. Harpo, who dis woman?
Anyways, congratulations to Chely for sharing her gayelleness with the world, even thought it is a publicity stunt.
If you have a big announcement to make and have more than 50 Twitter followers, hit up People magazine because they will probably give you the cover.
No, this isn't the dirty ass skater dude who left his scab bits in your bed and burped in your mouth when you made out with him. This is Kristen Stewart at a Coochella party yesterday. For a quick second, my no-no popped a few times thinking that there was a hot new piece on the stroll. Kristen is not right for trying to Brandon Teena my ass! DAMN HER! But I still would (you know she can break a strap-on in two)....
And here's another "Harpo, who dis woman?" moment brought to you by the fuckery makers over at Esquire!
At first, I had no idea who the hell this was. Then I thought maybe this is one of those "perfect woman" hybrids. You know, where they create the perfect woman by taking Julianne Moore's eyes, Janet Jackson's second nose, Jessica Biel's bottom lip, Carrot Top's mane, Rojo Caliente's flavor, etc.. etc.... But no, apparently this Christina Hendricks giving us just an appetizer of titty. Whoever is responsible for Photoshopping needed to stop staring at her chichis while working on her face. I know they are a magnificent sight to behold, but DAMN!
Jennifer Aniston sort of, kind of looks like herself on the cover of W Magazine, but what in Photoshop hell did they do to Gerard Butler? He looks like an extra from Grand Theft Auto. Usually when I see a picture of Gerry Butler, I have to give my eyeballs a shot of penicillin and rub myself down with a body wipe. I don't feel the need to do that after looking at this cover and that's a shame! They've changed you, Gerry!
Photoshop ridiculousness aside, what is with this pose? Is Jennifer Aniston worried that she'll have to spend the rest of the day at the free clinic due to getting so close to Gerry's crotch warts? Did she choke on a ball of cookie dough and Gerry's trying to give her the Heimlich while remaining sexy? Is he hugging her womb? I don't know, but it's not working for me.
And since it's Show And Tell Wednesday, here's an amazing e-mail I got in response to The Jennifer Aniston Perfume Contest:
This reminds me. MADDOX, you better pay that last invoice or I'm sending you to collections this time!
No, Taylor Swift did not go to Heidi Montag's face doctor to look like a creature who chases breath-stealing trolls so that Kanye West wouldn't recognize her anymore and never snatch her mic away again. The Russian magazine Oops! simply Photoshopped her until the kitty litter box was full. Fuckery.
They seriously made Taylor look like the doctors botched her cleft lip surgery and she tried to cover it up with candle wax. Oops! is right.
The war between East Coast and West Coast fired up again in Vancouver on Monday when former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney battled against Sky Blu (which is also my favorite condom shade) from the "rap" (for lack of a better word) group LMFAO.
TMZ says that shit got LOLish when Sky Blu (which is also the name of my cousin's favorite drink at T.G.I. Friday's) reclined his seat while the plane was still on the tarmac. Mitt Romney immediately started screaming at Sky Blu (which would also be my name if I was a tranny bar girl in Thailand) to put his seat back up, because his wife was seated directly behind Sky. When Mitt took it to the next level by grabbing Sky's shoulder, his hand was met by a slap from Sky. This prompted officials to board the plane and escort Sky off.
Mitt's spokeswhore said that Sky tried to take a "swing" at him. But Sky said he's the victim here, "He grabbed my shoulder, and I was like boom get off of me. The man assaulted me. I was protecting myself."
I'm not going to take a side, but I am going to ask where Kevin Smith was when we all needed him?! Kevin would've put an end to this foolishness by sitting on both of them. BOOM and BOOM. And then he would've uploaded a 24-part rant about the incident on YouTube.
(Images via Flickr)
Yesterday, I posted a link to Celebitchy about a mystery child Brangelina has been carrying around in Venice. Some said it's Knox, and others said it's Shiloh. The only way mystery child could be Knox is if he snorted a bunch of magic beans, because dude is just a baby. I mean, I know he blood is laced with miracles, but I doubt he can grow that fast. Personally, I think he's going to stay a baby forever. You know, like a cherub.
So that leaves Shiloh. Let's compare mystery child with a picture of Shiloh from a couple of days ago:
Ding Ding (?). Mystery child is Shiloh. Maddox simply played beauty shop and gave her a henna rinse (or her icy blonde hair just naturally went a little darker).
Or you can continue to believe that Brad Pitt was cleaning up the house one day and found this mystery child chilling out in the drawer of a dresser. Brad shrugged and recruited mystery child to the Brangie army.
And in other Brangie news, Page Six says that they are staging photo-ops are all over Italy to show that they don't hate each other. You don't fucking say.
This is 16-year-old Ali Lohan leaving her hotel in London to go to a Haiti Benefit (question mark) with her older sister.
I'm not going to focus on the fact that Ali looks like she was halfway through Marilyn Manson's Dita Von Teese Transformation Factory when the machine broke and spit her out. Instead, I'm going to applaud Ali's impeccable eyebrows. Lindsay's brows always look like they are about to be eaten away by the meth monster or fall off due to malnutrition, so I'm happy that someone in that raggedy family knows what's really important.