And You Are....?

If you're a soon-to-be bride who dreams of the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with lifting your veil at the altar before shouting "HARPO, WHO DIS WOMAN?", then this is the show that was tailor-made just for you! The Hollywood Reporter says that E! has swallowed a giant shot of The Swan, chased it with a bottle full of Bridezilla and barfed out a new show called Bridalplasty. America, pat yourself on the devil horns, because you've done it again!

Here's the description for this mess which sounds like a bridal shower co-hosted by Jocelyn Wildenstein and Heidi Montag:

Each week, a group of women competes head-to-head in such challenges as writing wedding vows and planning honeymoons. The winner receives the chance to choose a plastic surgery procedure from her "wish list." She's given the procedure immediately, and results are shown at the start of the following week's episode.

One by one, the women are voted out by their competitors and, according to the show's description, "possibly walking away with nothing and losing [their] chance to be the perfect bride."

The last bride standing will receive a "dream wedding," where she will reveal her new appearance to friends, family and the groom. "Viewers will witness his emotional and possibly shocked reaction as they stand at the altar and he lifts her veil to see her for the first time following her extreme plastic surgery," E! said.

Celebrity surgeon Terry Dubrow (Fox's infamous "The Swan") will lend his expertise to the procedures, and celebrity bride Shanna Moakler (wife of Blink-182's Travis Barker) will host.

Giuliana Rancic executive produces the show, as do Mark Cronin and Cris Abrego of 51 Minds, the company behind VH1's "The Surreal Life" and "Rock of Love" franchises.

HAHAHAHAHA! You know at the end of every episode of The Swan when homegirl breaks down into tears of happiness because her low self-esteem has finally been buried by a mound of silicone, collagen and other non-biodegradable materials? Well, it's going to be like that except the tears are going to come from the groom and they won't be tears of happiness. The groom is going to eat his own eyes, because the woman he has fallen in love with now looks like a Julie Masking impersonator.

I really can't wait. I feel like I've already caught the bouquet (made out of the bride's old face).

When I first clicked on this picture, I felt like I was coming home with my arms filled with groceries to find my piece giggling on the sofa with the shifty skank slut whore tramp from next door. Bags dropped, naranjas rolled across the floor and the tea kettle screamed!

I should've seen this coming, because Andy Cohen always has one eye on the camera and the other eye on your man's dick! That lazy eye wants to lay right next to the silver field of dreams on Mah Boo Anderson Cooper's crotch. This is so. That woman behind Andy is probably texting some shit like: "Witnessing an evil act of homowreckery right here!"

Oh, how I just want to mount SJP, signal her to kick Andy out of the way and then throw Mah Boo on back so that the three of us can gallop far far far away!

While I go and sharpen my shank and practice my dance-off moves, look at these pictures of three gays and a little filly at the Diane Von Furstenberg show in NYC last night.

Well, another card for Kanye West's "Taylor Swift Ain't Shit" Club has been issued and handed over to a second member. And that member is Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes. The hippie Tom Green scratches scalp creatures in his head every night while wondering why any potty-trained person would every thinks that Taylor Swift has talent. Yup, Gay Fish can take three steps back, because Chris is snatching the mic now. Chris said this to Nylon Guys (via E! Online):

"I find it embarrassing that adults are like, 'Taylor Swift is very talented.' She's not. She might be cute, but she's horrible."

Chris then went after the Mileys, RiRis and Ke$hits of the world:

"They have stylists who dress them, they make records with producers who play a chord into the computer and it all comes out the same...When you have computers doing it all for you...there's no individuality. Singing isn't always about being on key; it's about emotionality."

You can't argue with Jesus.

Chris has a point, but it's Taylor Fucking Swift! That's like kicking a blind puppy. Yes, she's 20-years-old and her lyrics sound like they were taken from the inside of a 6th grader's Lisa Frank folder, but she's pretty much harmless.

And yes, most of her songs should be sung by animated princesses twirling in the enchanted forest while a chorus of animal in clothes dance around her.... But obviously, there's a bunch of people into that shit. I'll admit that I sang one of her songs at karaoke the other night, but I try to live my life as though I'm an animated princess just twirling away in the enchanted forest, so that's my excuse.

Oh and Chris forgot to add: "AND BEYONCE HAD ONE OF THE GREATEST VIDEOS OF ALL TIME!!!!111!!!"

Maybe it's because her make-up artist shoved her face into a sink full of lead based bronzer or the fact that AntiDuckFace.com is advertised all over her mouth, but this picture of Miley Cyrus in NYC today is giving me a serious Squeak moment.

It's as if Snooki got Khloe Kardashian's face awkwardly transplanted over hers by a bottom basement plastic surgeon who used liquid nails instead of stitches, which is why her mug swelled the fuck up.

That being said, Miley's eye make-up reminds me of my 8th grade cholita friend who said she was "bringing the 5 flavors of the orient to her eyes" (don't ask me where she pulled that phrase from) when she added a subtle tip to the ends with black liner. Because of that, Miley's busted down make-up job works for me!

This is some "old school Courtney Love as seen through the eyes of Mimi" shit.

Japanese artist Takashi Murakami gave Brit Brit a manga makeover for Pop Magazine and here's a couple of pictures from the shoot. The frosty mess below is supposed to be a picture of Brit Brit in a wedding dress. But to me this looks more like Brit Brit begging Daddy Spears for forgiveness after she got so fucked up on strawberry-flavored acid that she ran out of her own first communion ceremony (where she was to receive the sacrament of Cheetochrist) and collapsed in a bed of daisies outside of St. Frito-Lay's Church. It works for me!

via ONTD

Spencer Pratt was banned from last night's finale party for The Hills, so he took a few clumps of tissue scooped out of Heidi's back, slapped it on his face and then tried to crash that shit. Even though Spencer looked like something Nick Nolte coughed up after tossing Radio Man's salad, the producers saw through his disguise and put his ass on the curb. According to the paps, Spencer later tried to crash the Inception premiere.

Joaquin Phoenix just crawled into Andy Kaufman's coffin and they rolled over together.

While Christina Milian, star of the masterpiece Bring It On: Fight to the Finish, is at home with her 5-month-old baby, her husband The-Dream (more like The-Nightmare) is making waves of betrayal in the Caribbean by bumping fupas with his assistant Melissa Santiago. This shit looks like a walrus and a water hog wrestling over a fish.

The-Dream recently denied the rumor that his marriage is in the shits, so I wonder how he'll explain this one. Or maybe he won't have to explain this one, because the pictures of Christina burning all his shit on the front lawn (ala Angela Bassett in Waiting to Exhale) will say it all.

And where is Joey Greco with a mic and a camera when you really need him?

UPDATE: Aaaaaand they're over. The-Dream's spokesbitch issued this statement to UsWeekly: "Terius 'The-Dream' Nash is saddened to announce that his marriage to Christina Milian was unsuccessful. The couple reached this decision in late 2009, but decided to keep the news private in efforts to protect their baby daughter Violet. They ask for consideration and respect for their family moving forward."

Was unsuccessful?! Who says that shit? It sounds like he's addressing the failure of his attempt at the Flat Belly Diet, not something important like marriage.

This is Julia Roberts in Lancome's ad for their new Définicils (pronounced "Full of Shit") Precious Cells Mascara. Not only does this mascara magically make your eyelids grow long synthetic lashes made out of broom bristles, but it also causes your pores to seep out mannequin wax which covers your entire face. Don't ask me why her lips look like two leeches spooning. One of Lancome's other products must have caused that.

Oh, and you know how I wrote "This is Julia Roberts"? Well, I take that back, because this could be Eric Roberts in a wig for all we fucking know.

via ONTD

I don't know whether it's the make-up, the tarantula leg lashes, the dates with Botox, the face pulls or all of the above, but Catherine Zeta-Jones is starting to look like Auntie Ying-Ying from The Joy Luck Club. Seriously, I want to play a game of Mahjong with her, and then get her to yell at my husband for making me pay for half of the ice cream even though I don't touch the stuff because I'm lactose intolerant.

You know, I don't even know why the perpetually 40-year-old CZJ fucks with her face the way she does. Bitch is married to a zombie pepaw, so even when her face starts to wrinkle up like a Shar-Pei's b-hole, she'll still look young next to his old ass. But I guess since she's injecting Botox into her birth certificate, she might as well prick her face with it too.

Here's CZJ bringing out the raw emotion during "Send in the Clowns" at the Tony Awards last night. She looks like a scared cat hiding under the bed during a thunder storm.

CZJ won Best Actress in a Musical for that mess. Here's a few pictures of the other winners from last night including ScarJo for Best Supporting Actress in a Play (I can't either), Denzel Washington for Best Actor in a Play, Viola Davis for Best Actress in a Play, and Douglas Hodge for Best Actor in a Musical.

Using about half as much wax as Cristiano Ronaldo puts in his hair on a daily basis, the artists at Madame Tussauds created a wax figure of him (on the left) which is now hanging out at their place in London. They almost got it right, but they need to slather that shit in about 5 layers of pizza grease and then lube him up like a 9" inch dick going into a virgin's ass before they can call it a day.

And Wax Cristiano is a little bloated in the face, but that is actually pretty accurate. When the real Cristiano goes a full day without plucking at least one eyebrow follicle, he bloats the fuck up just like that. It's an allergic reaction.