And You Are....?
Never mind that Justin Bieber's wax figure looks more like a young Anna Chlumsky in a children's theater production of Boys Don't Cry, look at how he's romancing that thing. Every picture needs a flock of cartoon bluebirds making a heart shape frame out of pink ribbon. Every picture also needs a warning label, because it's a little creepy that the child is child touching a child statue.
Selena Gomez better heat her shank over the burner, because the Bieber doesn't know how to quit his wax figure.
And here's a song to guide you through this gallery of young love.
If you told me this was a sampler serving of Mariah Carey or Tiny Cottle staring into a stretch mirror, I wouldn't even reach for the power wash gun to spray the film of delusion off your eyes. Not at all. Because damn, in the picture above, Heather Locklear is giving me a vision of ???? It's like if Jennifer Aniston got Mimi's face transplanted over hers. Amanda Woodward née Sammy Jo Carrington must now be an expert at breathing through bandages, because she really went in for the Madge special and got a whole new younger face. Don't get me wrong, Heather is looking Sammy Jo hot, but I really hope she gave the baby an extra insulated pair of diapers before she ripped off its ass cheeks and sewed them onto her face. I'm all for beauty at any price, but not when it comes to a baby with a frozen bottom.
Here's more of Heather taking her new face out for a walk in NYC last night.
HAIL XENU! After turning down almost every season of Dancing with the (Pause) Stars (Question Mark), Kirstie Alley has finally realized that a fourth Look Who's Talking? is never going to happen and is now going to waddle for that mirror ball trophy! We can make jokes about how Kirstie's partner has already signed a disability waver and how he's going to keep her chins up during the waltz by dangling a deep fried butter nugget over her head, but she looked as light as John Travolta's heatproof sauna wig during the announcement ceremony last night. Yes, they actually had a fucking announcement ceremony for this WHO CARES mess. But anyihopekirstiesdressesareallmadeofcondiments...
Whenever the newest batch of dancing relevant seekers is announced, I always judge how big and bold the Has-Beens in the title should be by how many question marks form above my head while looking at a cast photo. You can play too! Here's the 11 people who will be called "a seductive panther stalking its prey in the middle of a dance floor jungle" by Bruno at least once during the season. Warm up your question mark making machine!
Kirstie Alley (paired with Maksim Chmerkovskiy) - Twitter's first lady of crazy and the reason why Krispy kremes
Kendra (paired with Louie van Amstel) - Hef's former catheter changer and the owner of the most annoying laugh on the planet (even worse than Natalie P's)
Sugar Ray Leonard (paired with Anna Trebunskaya) - Tommy Davidson's alter ego, world champion fighter and the new object of Kirstie's affection (dude does have "Sugar" in his name)
Wendy Williams (paired with Tony Dovolani) - self-proclaimed queen of all media and talking wig
Chelsea Kane (paired with Mark Ballas) - some Disney ho
Ralph Macchio (paired with Karina Smirnoff Ice) - the ONLY Karate Kid
Chris Jericho (paired with Mop Head) - WWE champion wrestler
Petra Nemcova (paired with Dmitry Chaplin) - tsunami survivor and model
Psycho Mike Catherwood (partner unknown) - cohost of Love Line
Hines Ward (paired with Kym Johnson) - the wide receiver for the Steelers and the second object of Kirstie's affection (dude is a "Duncan" away from being Duncan Hines)
Lil' Romeo (paired with Chelsie Hightower) - rapper and the spawn of Master P
My brain is the Wikipedia of D-listers and never wases, but I still threw a "Harpo, who dis woman?" at three names: Psycho Mike, Hines Ward and Chelsea Kane. So I give this cast 3 Que Cats:
Not bad! And of course, I'm rooting for Kirstie, because I can't wait to see her double down ass in Maksim's face.
If these were pictures of Matthew Morrison from Glee NOM NOM NOM-ing on Jon Stewart or Olivia Munn from The Daily Show trying to eat the shoulder of Sue Sylvester, not a side-eye would stir. But these pictures of Matthew Morrison and Olivia Munn at the Rangers vs. Flyers game at Madison Square Garden yesterday are making me high with WTFness.
You know, I'm going to believe that this newborn and totally natural relationship bloomed in the most organic way. I'm not going to believe that it was born after their publicists drunkenly schemed in the bathroom of some industry event at 1 in the morning. I'm also not going to believe that Olivia and Matthew met in some publicist's office before these pictures were taken to go over the steps of the how to correctly straight mug in front of a photographer's camera at a sporting event.
No, they were not told to have a close-up staring eye contest so it looks like they're engaging in a tongue party for two. They were not told to force affection by trying to make each other's mouths look like gaping vaginas. Matthew was definitely not told to gnaw on Olivia's arm like it's Lea Michele's vocal cords. Olivia was not told to look at the camera like, "No, I'm not doing this for extra camera clicks and a blurb in UsWeekly. Nope." And also, Mathew didn't get a text message from his publicist reprimanding him for sometimes looking like he'd rather be eating a sloth's wet fart than holding Olivia's hand. Nope, not at all.
We should all believe that this is the complete opposite of a FAKE AS SHIT RELATIONSHIP. Since Olivia can't have Justin Timberlake, she's settling for his Dollar Tree version. That must be it.
When Courtney Love gets steam cleaned, wrapped in fresh skin and dipped in an extra potent Silkwood BATH, she actually looks...dare I type...pretty (?). I always think that the word "pretty" is going to turn ugly and devour Courtney Love's name whenever they're in the same sentence together, but it never happens! A freshly laundered Courtney Love posing like a refined swan on the Elle Style Awards in London last night makes you temporarily not think about how she probably stumbled into the men's room at the end of the night, hiked up her gown and tried to aim for the urinal but ended up giving everyone a golden shower floor show. The bathroom attendant shooed her messy ass away by spraying her with a mixture of Clorox and holy water. They knew Court was coming so they prepared for that shit.
But let's not think about that. Let's just be grateful that last night was one of the few days of the year where Courtney Love didn't look like she nibbles pigeon bones and licks rocks under a highway overpass. I'll even forgive her for skinning and wearing Fizzgig's family members.
You'd think that the words "Barbie" and "Dynasty" paired together would force me to slap myself and throw my body into a lily pond so that I don't overheat from excitement, but that did not happen when I looked at these plastic frauds right here. Who really cares about the Krystle Carrington Barbie. The only thing it's good for is scrubbing Alexis' bidet, just like the drip herself. But what did they do to Alexis Carrington?!
Alexis Carrington is the most glamorous creature on the planet who makes you check your wallet and grab at your wedding ring when she enters a room, because she can steal your money and snatch your man with the blink of an eye. This doll is not having that effect on me. It looks like Audrina "Ceiling Eyes" Patridge with a brown Nancy Reagan wig on her head. When you stare into Alexis' eyes, you should see a news ticker with rhinestone letters that read: "I will DESTROY you." However, when I look into this cheap doll's eyes, all I read is: "Durr. Space is big. Durr. The clouds are silly. Durr. I like shiny things. Durr." They straight-up Durr-ized ALEXIS FUCKING CARRINGTON! That has to be illegal!
Joan Collins needs to put on her most serious business woman suit, stomp into the offices of Mattel, hand everyone there a leather glove and command them to slap the shit out of their own faces for defacing her glamorous image like this. You can't just throw gold lamé on something and say it's Alexis Carrington. Trust me, I've tried. I regularly throw a piece of gold lamé over my chest like a Glamour Shots photo shoot, look in the mirror and declare that I'm Alexis Carrington. The only thing that answers me is the voice in my head that says: "NOPE."
Justin Bieber normally looks like a grown woman posing as a 12-year-old boy decoy in To Catch A Predator, but in Best Buy's Super Bowl commercial he looked like the exact opposite. Hairy beaver alert. Justin perfectly resembled a middle-aged child toucher who smells like gasoline and body odor and shows up to the decoy's house with a bag full of condoms, duct tape, Slim Jims, Spanish Fly and a mix CD of boy band songs. That's definitely the face you'd find staring back at you if you went to investigate the strange rustling noise in the bushes outside of your bedroom window. A face that only mace and the National Sex Offender Registry could love. This is The Lesbeaver's way of proving to all of us that he can successfully star in a one-Bieber production of The Little Girl Who Lives Down The Lane.
And if Geico ever needs someone to play a caveman inspired by Peter Horton, they know where to find Justin.
Here's the hairless Beaver strolling around with his cougar girlfriend Selena Kay Letourneau in Santa Monica yesterday. For someone who will have to enter the Witness Protection Program in a few months, Selena looks so happy. It's amazing what a publicist's love arrow can do. Girl better be getting a cut of Justin's profits, because she's going to need it to get a face transplant and head lipo so the crazed Beliebers don't recognize her.
The TSA agents are wondering how the hot piece in the Passport photo now looks like the neighborhood weed man who is always trying to sell you a jail broken iPhone 3G or a "just fell off the back of a truck" Blu-ray player with your bag of the good shit. The same weed man who takes a shit in your toilet without flushing. THAT WEED MAN.
After the TSA placed a call to Maddox to verify the dude in front of them was Brad Pitt, they let him go on his way. But they really should've pushed a bin full of confiscated razors into Almost Billy Goat Brad's hands and pleaded with him to take it. TAKE ALL OF THEM!
Maybe the Purecaf I inject directly into my temples every morning has yet to hit my brain, but is that a fresh field of stubble on Mo'Nique's legs at the Oscar nomination ceremony in Beverly Hills this morning? Mo'Nique has long been a champion for the "FUCK RAZORS" movement, so there must be a good reason for why she let a lady BIC scoot against her body. And by a "good reason" I mean A CHECK with a bountiful amount of zeros on it. I'd like to think that Mo'Nique didn't make it easy. They had to hold Mo'Nique down on a sticky bed of NADS, play Jewel's "Intuition" backwards and threaten her with an Epilator if she didn't let them shave her legs.
About that Epilator, one day we'll have to talk about all the unfortunate experiences I've had with that devil tool. But I don't know if we'll ever get to have that conversation. The world is definitely changing for the worst now that Mo'Nique is no longer shampooing and conditioning her leg fur every evening.
So yeah, this is Jennifer Aniston in Allure, and it's not a picture from a Real Doll photo shoot art directed by a pedophile with a Snuggle Bear fetish. It's like a still from an old Law & Order episode about a Baby Jane-like plastic surgery addict who just can't let go of her child beauty pageant days. Just because Aniston is posing with her favorite teddy bear baby she adopted from a doll nursery last summer doesn't mean this mess is cute. Just. No.
Creepiness aside, Jennifer finally admits that the Rachel cut is a work of fugness that doesn't belong on anybody's head! The cut that terrorized heads in the 90s and projected to the public "I'm an asshole for getting my hair cut like a fucking TV character!" was not Jennifer's favorite thing.
"Let's just say there have been moments I'd rather not relive, like that whole Rachel thing. I love Chris [McMillan, her hairstylist], and he's the bane of my existence at the same time because he started that damn Rachel, which was not my best look. How do I say this? I think it was the ugliest haircut I've ever seen. What I really want to know is, how did that thing have legs?"
And it still has legs. You don't know how many retail managers and real estate office receptionists I've seen with that haircut. And you know what's creepier than that picture of Aniston above? The fact that I regularly stare at the heads of retail managers and real estate office receptionists.
Jennifer also talked about her fascination with The Bachelor and how she doesn't understand how those girls can shrivel into a dehydrated pod of loneliness when they get dumped.
"You know what I find fascinating? The Bachelor. I was mesmerized by how these girls, they meet this guy, they have three dates together or something, and they're weeping as though they've just lost the love of their life. I don't understand that."
Too easy, so I'll just leave you with more Photoshopped pictures of Jennifer looking like JLo and a female doll version of STAINS.