Elton John

And no, that baby friend in turquoise leggings is not theirs. Elton John and David Furnish got a new model fresh out of the womb factory! After years of trying to get an adorable slobbering of their very own, Elton and his husband David announced to UsWeekly that their new son was born via a surrogate in California on Christmas Day! Please please please lie to me and tell me the surrogate's name is Mary.

Unfortunately, Elton and David did not name their son Glasses Tiara Furnish-John. They turned it down a bit and gave him the almost normal name of: Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John. Yeah, that Levon. If I was Elton and wanted to name my child after one of my songs, I would've went with "The Bitch Is Back" but that's just me. Here's what 62-year-old Elton and 48-year-old David said about their new bundle of slobber and coos:

"We are overwhelmed with happiness and joy at this very special moment. Zachary is healthy and doing really well, and we are very proud and happy parents."

I was reading the comments at another site and many bitches were crying out shit like: "That's selfish! Those old hags are too old to raise a baby!" "When that baby graduates, one of those old bitches is going to be coughing up Benefiber balls in the audience and the other is going to be bothering everyone with his geriatric farts! Blah! Blah! Blah!" "That poor child will have to learn how to jumpstart a Hoveround by the age of 6!"

Give me a fucking break. I can't predict what kind of parents Elton and David will be, but as long as they keep Baby Zachary covered in rhinestones, wigs, glitter and pink tutus, they'll do fine. Besides just because you're of baby chasing age, doesn't mean you're going to make a wonderful parent. The other day I was at the grocery store and some young mother kept barking all kinds of nonsense at her daughter in front of everyone. You know, I'm all for yelling at brats, but this little girl wasn't really doing anything wrong. At one point, the girl started dancing with a loaf of bread and the bitch mom goes, "Put that down, Renee! You look like a little idiotic slut!" Idiotic slut. Nice. The "idiotic" part was WAY over the line. It's not like the loaf of bread she was dancing with was Wonder Bread. It was sourdough or some shit. She obviously made the right decision and her mom still threw hate at her.

The producers of American Idol might be freebasing a mysterious powdery substance left in Paula Abdul's dressing room, because TMZ says they are actively trying to find a replacement for Simon Cowell. And a source says that word on the set is that Elton John is a front-runner for the position. Elton has been a guest judge on Idol before. Elton's spokesbitch wouldn't say shit about this rumor.

Simon Cowell is the truth teller of Idol! Ellen Degeneres is there to tell jokes. Randy Jackson is there to keep the Kraft Services staff company. Kara DioSHUTTHEFUCKUP was planted there by the pharmaceutical companies so millions would pop anti-anxiety meds every minute just to deal with her annoying ass. And Simon is there to bring the truth in the truthiest way possible.

So while I know Elton is clearly capable of bombing the dreams of young singers with his words of bitchery, I still think Simon is irreplaceable. And yes, I too read the word "irreplaceable" in Beyonce's singing voice. Look at what poop culture has done to us.

Personally, I think Simon should drag Elton John and Paula Abdul to the judge's table on X-Factor. Two cunts and a crazy is the formula for an instant success!