Tom Brokaw and Sarah Palin actually have something in common. They both hate-watched the hell out of the White House Correspondents' Dinner last night. As the hos from DC and the hos from Hollywood roasted (although, it was more like a light searing followed by a soothing burn-cooling blow) each other, the White Rain crust on Sarah Palin's hair strands melted off as she clenched her ass cheeks and fisted the TV in disgust. Those ass clowns in DC were drunkenly laughing with each other while hard-working American Sarah Palin was working hard. Drunk tweeting the WHCD in between finishing up your application for the next season of Splash is hard work, thankyouverymuch!
If you're one of those hard-working Americans who was too busy working hard to watch that mess last night, here's President Obama's act which features cameos by Steven Spielberg, Moe Howard's bangs and Tracy Morgan.
Here's Conan's act and if you ain't got time for it, his best line was, "President Obama and John Boehner are kind of like a blind date between Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow. In theory, they understand each other's positions, but deep down you know nothing is ever going to happen."
I don't know which image takes me higher: the image of Sarah Palin throwing her Bump-It at the TV screen, because she wasn't invited to the party or the Silver Fox and Rachel Maddow awkwardly scissoring with their clothes on.
Conan O'Brien ended his week of shows in NYC last night with a grand finale featuring the ginger giant with hair like a wave crashing in the sunlight officiating the wedding of his costume designer Scott Cronick and Scott's parner David Gorshein. Some cynical hos have put a STUNT QUEEN crown on Conan's head for doing this for ratings, but it looked genuine and sincere to me. I mean, don't get me wrong, it wasn't as genuine as a 10 hour-long, $15 million TV wedding shittacular between a hallow fame eater with butt meat for brains and a rock creature oaf in a tux, but it still seemed genuine to me and it's progress! Besides, Scott and David probably wanted to get married on TV, because they wanted as many eyes as possible to see their Say Yes To The Blazer ensembles. You cannot argue with this. And I've never noticed, but Conan is so damn tall that he makes everybody around him look like they came from the Shire.
Okay, maybe I have one problem with this shit. I am mad at Conan for letting an opportunity sashay by him. The opportunity I'm talking about is spelled R-O-J-O-C-A-L-I-E-N-T-E! The ratings scale would've set fight to itself just thinking about Conan, Rojo and Cynthia Nixon on the same stage together. As soon as that ginger trifecta assembled in the name of ginge gayelle love, Daylight Savings would cancel itself, winter would stay in its frozen demon hole and it would be summer for the rest of the year.
When you're breathing hot air into your palms to rub on your freezer burnt culo lips this winter, curse Conan's name as you do it.
What you're looking at is Tommy Girl's forehead vein throbbing like John Travolta's b-hole at a sauna party, because it's holding all the tension from him standing on top of his tippity tippity toes while he grits his teeth in a way that screams "takethepicturetakethepicturetakethepicture." The pain and stress was worth with it, because now we have this beautiful picture of Tommy rising above Elle Fanning at the Super 8 premiere in Los Angeles last night.
A Cheryl Cole-like blowout from his stylist and humming "I'm a big kid now" while slipping on a pair of fuck me boots were also important ingredients in taking Tommy up, up and away last night.
Tommy was filled with so much big boy confidence from being a tad bit taller than Elle that he wasn't even embarrassed when Pete Wentz had to big him a boost up to the adult urinal since the little boy's one was out of order. You go, TG!
Here's a bunch of pictures of the people who were excused by Tommy's beauty at last night's premiere. In oooorder: TG, Elle, Conan with his wife, Steven Spielberg with Kate Capshaw, Pete Wentz, Jorge Garcia, Jim Caviezel and Jenna Elfman with her own pocket-sized crazy.
You won't find Conan O'Brien nuzzling against Rupert Murdoch's titties anytime soon, because he's taking his act to TBS instead of Fox. Starting this Fall, Conan will host a one-hour show at 11pm on TBS. Conan's show will bump George Lopez to midnight. Hm. This shit seems familiar. Deja chin!
George Lopez had this to say about being bumped by the ginge: "I can’t think of anything better than doing my show with Conan as my lead-in. It's the beginning of a new era in late-night comedy."
Okay, I'm glad George is fine with this, because I really don't want to get dozens of invitations to the "I'm With Lolo" Facebook group. Not ever.
Conan O'Brien announced on his Twitter this morning that he's throwing Masturbating Bear and Andy Richter in the trunk of his Taurus and hitting the road this April. Conan, Andy and the old Tonight Show band will play 30-cities across the US and Canada. Conan promises that the show will feature, "a night of music, comedy, hugging and the occasional awkward silence." Conan also added that it will be completely half-assed.
Now if Conan wants make his show FULL-ASSED (times a thousand), he needs to get the real CoCo to open his show. Just give her a bathroom counter and she can do this for 60-minutes.
That is worth the price of a million tickets. The truth: That is it.
Conan O'Brien gave his final bow as the host of The Tonight Show last night, and he didn't end with a kick line featuring Masturbating Bear, Triumph, Evil Puppy, Vomiting Kermit, his '92 Ford Taurus and Pimpbot 500. Instead, Conan put on his seriousface and genuinely thanked his staff, NBC, and all of his fans. Conan also launched into an inspirational speech about how we need to exorcise "cynicism" out of our systems.
Conan's motivational speech kind of reminded me of this one time I was waiting for my friends outside of a Winchell's in L.A. when I was a teenager. This sort of hot homeless lady in a knitted poncho strolled up to me and told me (in a Miley Cyrus chewing on sandpaper voice) that I reminded her of her daughter (it happens often). Then she asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. At first, I spit out your typical jaded teenage response by saying, "nothing." Then I took that back and said, "a trophy boyfriend." This response knocked the fleas out of her hair, because she went on and on about how I could cure cancer if I wanted, or manage a Circuit City (she really said that). After she finished giving me a boost to the stars, she asked me for a cigarette or a dollar. And here's Conan also ending it on a perfect note by performing Free Bird with Will Ferrell.
The Chin sings! The curtain is about to fall on the long drawn-out melodramatic butt opera starring Conan O'Brien and NBC. The peacock announced this morning that after a long night of negotiations (please, you know they were just passing the bong around), a divorce settlement with Conan has been reached. They will put out an official official statement later on this morning.
According to the New York Times, the agreement is worth $45 million. Conan gave up some of his own severance to his staff. In the end, Conan's checking account will get stuffed with around $32 million. Conan's staff will get the rest.
Per the agreement, Conan can sashay over to a new network in about 8 months. Conan's manager issued a statement to the Wall Street Journal, and said that he can't wait to return to late night:
"Conan was appreciative of the steps NBC made to take care of his staff and crew, and decided to supplement the severance they were getting out of his own pocket. Now he just wants to get back on the air as quickly as possible."
Conan's final song and dance for NBC will be this Friday. After that, Conan will be free to apply a heaping amount of SPF:Infinity onto his nalgas and spend the next few months sunning his shit.
And now, every member of the "I'm With Coco" movement can re-purpose their posters and get behind a REAL cause:
(CoCo image via Buzzfeed)
Hundreds of Cocoholics (or are we calling them Con-heads?) gathered in NYC, Los Angeles and Chicago yesterday to rally for their ginge hero! The Conan O'Brien fans in Los Angeles even stood for hours outside of NBC studios while massive amounts of cold smog rain fell on top of them. When they start coughing up chunks of their lungs in a few days, they should ask Coco to pay their medical bills. And word on the Internet is that he can afford it now!
TMZ is saying that Conan and NBC have reached a settlement agreement. The peacock will put $32.5 million into Conan's pocket to go away. A source went on to say that NBC will also hack up another $7.5 million for Conan's staff. As part of the agreement, Conan can't take his act to another network until September. But if Conan does sign a contract with another network, NBC would only be obligated to pay the difference. So if FOX gives him $25 mill, NBC will only owe him $7.5 mill.
I know, you came to this blog to read the word "fuck" over and over again, not to do math. Basically, every equation ends with the same answer: Conan is still richer than Tiger Woods' Ambien supplier.
And Conan might have to have sic the soulless ginge on NBC, because the source also claims that once he leaves the network, he can't take any of his characters with him. That means Triumph and the Masturbating Bear will have to continue to live in the storage room at The Tonight Show. They will be pissed. I hope Jay Leno loves bear jizz and dog poo on his chin.
It's been raining chins and ginges for the past week, and it's not going to let up. Every time I blink my eyes, another late-night rumor fucks me in the eye. So I've been stock piling my colon with Conan and Leno bits to serve to you at one sitting (just wipe them off with one of El Pollo Loco wet naps you keep in your desk drawer for this very occasion).
First up is Jimmy Kimmel giving it to Jay Leno without lube last night (clip above). During Jay Leno's 10@10 segment on his show, Jimmy bent Jay over, held on to his chin and rammed him over and over again. Jimmy didn't even spit on his hand and rub first. For those of you on Team Coco (not to be confused with Team CoCo), this was so beautiful that your eye ducts actually filled with authentic tears for the first time in history. Kind of like the time I cried while reading a hate e-mail that said I was a "dumb fucking faggot bitch whore who sucks homeless dick for butt dildo money." It was touchingly beautiful, but then it got me wondering. Would would I need to buy a butt dildo if I had a homeless dick at my disposal? And why would I think a homeless dude had any money? Oh, now I see. That's where the "dumb" part comes in. I've seen the light. Moving on...
TMZ says that Jay has officially taken candy out of a ginge baby's hand and will host The Tonight Show again since Conan has pretty much quit. But another source tells THR that this is lies, and Jay's chin has not signed on the dotted line just yet.
The Daily Beast claims that the peacock has put a wad of cash in Conan's garter belt and now he's free to shake his shit at a different network. According to a source, NBC is buying Conan out and also allowing him to take his act to a different network before his contract expires.
And finally, if you're in the market for a barely used late-night talk show, this is the Craigslist ad for you.
There you go. We're all bloated and full now, so I'll race you to the toilet.
In an open letter released yesterday, Conan O'Brien told NBC to fuck a chin in the politest way possible. TMZ says that this triggered NBC to run off to Jay Leno to begin negotiations for him to take over as the host of The Tonight Show again. But a source tells Popeater that Jay has dropped to his knees, put his hand over his forehead and declared that he's disgusted by the way NBC is treating him and Conan. Jay is about to jump on Conan's back so the two can ride out of NBC together.
Put on your dunce caps and read what this source had to say, "Now that Conan has made it clear he is leaving the troubled network, Jay is considering doing the same. They have put Jay in a terrible position. It looks like he is the reason that Conan is now without a job. Jay is a great guy and it's not fair that due to NBC's stupidity he looks like the bad guy. Plus, what happens when Jay does return to the 11:35 slot if his audience doesn't immediately follow? How can he possibly trust the same network that canceled Conan after only seven months?"
Does this mean there's a good chance there will be a Law & Order: Night Court Edition starring Marsha Warfield. No, there isn't a good chance, because this source is full of spuds. There's no way Jay is going to leave NBC. Hell, he's probably holding the box of baby wipes as NBC removes the ginge spot from their peacock.
And while we're on the subject, here's a performance artist's dramatic interpretation of NBC's current state.
In case you don't have an eye for art, the performance artist represents NBC and the ice cream cup represents NBC's ass.
Video via Videogum (Say that three times)