Snooki

We all need to start stocking our Rapture Bunkers with the necessities (i.e. Slim Jims, Everclear, Zingers, an autographed picture of Joan Collins, everything in Lindsay Lohan's medicine cabinet..etc...), because it's only a matter of time before Jersey Shore's Snooki and The Situation find themselves shaking hands with the Pope in his private chambers at the Vatican. They are everywhere! Like roaches with ambition! Although, that's not saying much, because anybody in an altar boy ensemble can get into the Vatican's secret rooms.

At some event in NYC on Saturday night, Snookers and The Situation got a little closer to Mayor Bloomberg. Is Bloomberg trying to honk Snooki's sacks? Or maybe he's getting ready to punch himself in the dick bush, because The Situation's crotch crabs have already infested his private business. Yeah, that's probably the case.

Here's more pictures from the NY/NJ Peace Summit, which was also attended by the cast of Hair. Yes, that's American Idol's Diana DeGarmo and Ace Young. And just for the record, I'd gladly take Ace Young's taco meat trail over The Situation's situation.

Remember those rumored naked pictures of Jersey Shore's Snookerpuss that you have been waiting to enjoy with a warm bottle of bacon lube? Well, fire up your genitals because one has arrived....maybe.

Radar, who has been googling "Snooki naked" non-stop for the past 48-hours, came across a website purely devoted to Snooki nudes. The evil doers who put up the website plan to release more for your enjoyment.

Radar believes the picture is real, because the background looks like Snooki's bedroom from pictures she's posted on her Twitter.

There's something off about this picture. Either Snooki used the same lens Paula Abdul used for her "Promise Of A New Day Video," or she's been eating a lot of deep fried pickles since this shit was taken. Although, Snooki does have the complexion of an overcooked hot dog like the ho in the picture above. Hmm..I'm not sure.

But I am sure that this picture belongs on (NSFW) Lurid Digs, because she didn't even try to clean up her damn bedroom! When are sluts going to learn to give us some ambiance. Romance us! While she was down there sticking her ass out, she could've picked up that nasty ass sock and threw it in the trash can.

Snooki has finally found a juiced up Guido meat head to hold her hair when she barfs up last night's Jager shots, kiss her bruises when she gets punched in the mug and sleep on the beach with her when she's too drunk to find her way home.

Snooki and her piece of the moment Emilio Antonio flew into NYC's La Guardia Airport last night looking like two gremlins after drinking an entire bottle of Ed Hardy perfume.

I'm sure these two love dingles will last longer than a herpes outbreak. And I hope Emilio doesn't mind his dick smelling like the Vlasic stork's breath, because Snooki uses pickle juice as lube.

The Jersey Shore's answer to Tattoo was not welcomed with fist pumps and pickle love when she hosted the Wing Bowl in Philadelphia this morning. After Snookwells made her grand entrance, the audience showered her with boos (hey, at least she got a shower). Snooks showed them the love right back by fingering them on live TV.

The amount of sheer elegance in the clip above almost trumps Pamela Anderson signing her perfume at a Rite-Aid outside of Philadelphia. Almost.

And I guarantee you, one of the items on Snooki's cum bucket list is to flip off a bunch of boo-ing Philadelphians while hosting a chicken wing eating contest. CHECK!

When the harsh realities of the world start to fade Anderson Cooper's giggle, he switches on an episode of The Real Housewives of Atlanta to him pick up again. Nothing makes his tonsils palpitate like a visit from NeNe Leakes. Because of this, one might think that Jersey Shore's Snooki also has the same effect on Mah Boo. Survey says...NEGATIVE! Mah Boo is much too much of a refined gentlemen to go dumpster diving with those pieces of trash.

During last night's Mah Boo 369me, Andy said that everything he knows about Jersey Shore he learned from the pop culture master class known as The Soup and he plans to keep it at that! Mah Boo even snapped Snooki's thong strap by saying she's so down to earth that she's in the gutter. Mah Boo releasing his inner cunt is my porn.

And since we're on the subject of Mah Boo, Gawker posted a story from The National Enquirer yesterday about Andy and his piece possibly adopting a child from Haiti. I really don't have anything to add, but I will say that if this comes true my farewell to the internet party will be held in the banquet room at Bullwinkle's. I will have no choice but to devote the rest of my life to taking care of Haitian babies. Specifically, Haitian babies adopted by a certain silver unicorn who lives in a firehouse. Mah Boo is going to need a gaymanny.

America's newest favorite pastime is making over the deep fried Butterfingers of Jersey Shore. Everyone is trying to de-guido them, but Snooki's makeover from Inside Edition is the most drastic. They deflated her poof, removed the layers of bronzer off her face with a sandblaster and replaced her Ed Hardy rags with leftovers from Nordstrom Rack. Speaking of that dress, how is she going to flip her crotch on the dancefloor in that thing? Or run when a hippo comes charging at her?

The only thing they couldn't erase was her duckface. It's permanent. You can kill the poof, but you can't kill the duckface! The day Snooki's duckface dies is the day MySpace packs up their shit and goes home.

And if you thought Snooki looks like a Cathay Pacific flight attendant who makes strong drinks in the picture above, look at what they did to her here:

They turned her into Tiger Woods' mom!!!!! Actually, that's an improvement because Tiger's mom is made of poly-blend silk and elegance.

Jersey Shore's very own Snooki brought her homegrown guido glamour to Florida's Seminole Hard Rock last night to host a "Fist Pumping Competition" at club Opium. Also seen at Opium last night was Gay Al Reynolds who showed up in assless leather pants, a tub of Crisco and a very, very confused look on his precious face.

TMZ says that Snookisaurus was paid $10,000 to get drunk at the club. Hopefully, Snickers uses some of that cash to invest in a Bumpit. Recently Snooki proudly proclaimed that she keeps her poof (not to be confused with this poof) poofy without the help of a Bumpit. But look at that weepy thing on her head. It looks like a year-old shower puff that has been trampled on by a hippo and attacked with a world rockin' grenade. It desperately needs the support of a Bumpit. Nobody can bump it like a Bumpit. Well, Lindsay Lohan can, but that's a different kind of bump.

Here's more of Willy Wonka's favorite wet dream girl destroying me over and over again with her constant abuse of the duckface. Speaking of destroyed faces, that bouncer's "Fuck My Life" face says it all. Dude is definitely calling DeVry this morning.