A chorus of squishy sounds was heard at the GLAAD Awards in NYC last night when the beautimous Mama June strolled in and made everyone make sketti sauce in their panties. While showing us what it would look like if Kate Hudson was in Shallow Hal, Honey Boo Boo's maker puckered for the cameras and gave everyone some Like My Body realness. Mama June could've really come out for GLAAD by painting each one of her chins a different color of the rainbow, but she still put other hos to shame.
And those other hos were: Rickie from My-So-Called Life, Snooki, JWoww (looking like eighth runner-up for Miss Plastic Surgery Puerto Rico 1991), Milla Jovovich, Fallen Countess LuAnn with her French piece Davide Schwimmaire, the ageless Bernadette Peters, Sam Champion with his husband, John Leguizamo with his wife, noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker with his wife, Wonk-Eyed Vinny with his piece, Mo Rocca and Carmen Carrera.
Duchess Kate and the most important fetus in the world were released from King Edward VII Hospital this morning after being treated for the extreme shits and barfs. Duchess Kate will now go back to her palace where she'll lay on her princess canopy bed and ring a crystal bell every time she needs to vom onto her handmaiden's lap. Since Duchess Kate is on bed rest, she is unable to fulfill her daily duties of waving at her subjects at the opening of a new garden or whatever, so The Palace announced that England's Finest Rose (official royal title) and the true Princess of England Jodie Marsh will fill in for Kate until she's well enough to wave at her subjects at the opening of a new garden again.
Don't bother trying to buy Duchess Kate's coat online. It's SOLD OUT. Those suede boots (Note: The princess is truly magical, because her suede boots are staying up without the help of a rubber band)? GONE! Those black tights? You can only get them in charcoal. The scarf? You can't find one anywhere. Bitches are even dying their old ivory scarves that color, so periwinkle RIT dye is sold out too. Yellow roses? Nowhere to be found. Go out to your backyard and I'm sure your ass will see that your yellow rose bush is gone. Everything Kate touches, sells out immediately. Even the world's supply of Bumpits is running low, so get one while you can.
Speaking of Bumpits, the Palace should probably block all of Kate's calls and e-mails from Jersey. Because Snooki recently gave her some advice and now here's Kate wearing a Bumpit. Shut it down now before Kate starts rubbing orange-tinted cocoa butter on her belly and is seen buying Absolut Baby Bottles at Bargain Booze.
It's been only six seconds since Snooki's first born (Side note: Nothing makes you want to switch out your morning coffee for a mug full of vodka to really stop the shivers you get from reading "Snooki's first born.") came out of her body covered in pickle bits and undigested Goldschlager slime, and she's already cleaned him off in the jacuzzi and shoved him in front of a camera for his fame whore debut on People magazine. There's really no safe place for your eyes to land. You can't look directly at Snooki's face, because she's trying to smoosh your soul with her eyes. You can't look at Lorenzo Dominic's tacky as all fuck outfit, because it'll feel like you just got splashed in the eyes with Jager. And you really can't look at LeAnn Rimes' face, because most doctors recommend eating a balanced breakfast in the morning and you can't do that if you look at LeAnn's face in the morning.
Snooki tells People that you won't see her drunk pissing on the floor behind the bar at Karma while Baby Lorenzo pisses in his Affliction diaper next to her, because she's a changed Ewok and her partying days are over:
"It's a different kind of love that I never felt before. When I got pregnant, everything changed. The partying is long gone. I'm a new person."
I'll believe it when I don't see Snooki doing tequila shots off of Lorenzo's belly during Mommy and Me drinking class at some bar in New Jersey.
Here's another picture of Lorenzo face palming on the inside. And Snooki's face is what it looks like when you feed pickles to a Furby.
Yesterday we all lost an American icon who was the first human to walk on the moon, and today we gain a future American icon who will probably go on to do history-making things like moon a bunch of tricks at Karma on a Sunday morning. It's the circle of life.
As Neil Armstrong floated up to heaven hoping that his spirit doesn't land in the reincarnation bin before getting spit out into the body of a certain guidoling, Snooki went into labor last night and this morning she gave birth to the chosen child of the Jersey Shore. That's one small step for a Guidoling, one giant leap for the end of civilization as we know it.
When the news of Snooki letting out an Ooma Loompa birthin' wail made the rounds on Twitter and everywhere else yesterday afternoon, hos everywhere stocked up on Jäger and self-tanner before going down into their end of the world bunkers. Then at around 3 this morning at Saint Barnabas Medical Center in Livingston, N.J., Snooki's baby boy fist pumped his way out of her poon and was probably greeted by MTV's cameras. I can't wait to see the touching moment when Snooki's kid hugs an MTV camera, stares into its lens and lets out his first words, "Are you my mommy?
Ten seconds after Snooki made history by being the first Oompa Loompa to give birth out of captivity, she went on Twitter and confirmed that her and her piece Jionni LaValle named their kid Lorenzo D:
I am SO IN LOVE with my son Lorenzo Dominic ! I had my little man last night, healthy at 6lbs! HE'S MY WORLD! ❤
Snooki's rep (yeah, she has one of those) tells People that baby is resting comfortably in his tanning bed crib and mother is resting comfortably on her hospital bed while Jionni stands over her face, squeezing 100 proof booze drops out of her drunk placenta and into her open mouth hole. Seriously, Snooki's placenta is probably a bloody organ of booze. On that note, it's Bloody Mary time!
No, this is not another post about Pet Monster.
Snooki still has a pickleling growing in her vodka chamber called a womb and she's still wearing sky high death shoes (okay, I know those platforms are like 4 inches tall, but that's half of Snooki's total heigh, so they're totally sky high to her).
While looking like a mutant pineapple, Snooki strolled through Seaside Heights, NJ the other day and nearly smashed her unborn baby when she tripped on her own stupidity and went down. Dumb bitch. I know Snooki is used to being on her knees with her mouth open in public, but wait until your poor baby is born first, bitch! Damn. That poor child is going to be raised by two Gorilla dingles, will have to wear Affliction onesies, will have to sleep in a tanning bed cradle, will probably be born with cirrhosis of the liver and now he has to worry about getting a concussion?
Snooki ALWAYS needs to have a seat, but this time she really needs to have a seat.
Willy Wonka is not going to be happy that one of his Oompa Loompa took his favorite pair of glasses without asking. Drop that trick in the bad egg trap door!
If La Leche League cared about the shitastic ramblings of a pickle-brained midget sasquatch, I'd tell Snooki that she was in danger, girl. I doubt they do, so she can keep barfing at the mouth about breastfeeding all she wants. But before we get to that mess, Snooki told Good Morning America (via UsWeekly) she's naming the unborn guidoling in her womb Lorenzo (Enzo for short) and that she's taking her whole pregnancy really seriously. Snooki isn't even drinking wine, because she says she'll "be that person that has a glass of wine and [the] baby comes out with three legs." Well, Enzo probably wouldn't mind that since he'd have an extra leg to kick himself in the head with once he realizes that he's completely fucked and his parents have the parental skills of a jar of rancid pickle juice.
And about that breastfeeding shit, don't expect Snooki to follow in the nipple squirts of Dr. Blossom....
"I'm just scared. My friend did and she said it was so painful…but I definitely want to pump because it's the best nutrients for the baby. It's kind of like you're a cow and you're just milking."
I've never milked a cow, but I'm guessing it's nothing like pumping Snooki's titty leche. I'm sure that while you're milking the cow, it doesn't queef in your face and beg you to massage its fupa with pizza grease.
Besides, if Snooki wanted to breastfeed, it's not like Enzo would ever get a chance to suckle on Snooki's tete anyway. Snooki's filled with so much vodka that her mammary glands are going to make nothing but White Russians. The entire Jersey Shore cast is going to line up to put their mouth under that nipple knob. Open bar titties!
Health warning signs have gone up all up and down the Jersey Shore, which could mean only one thing: the taint warts of MTV (and that's saying a lot) are back and have started shooting their mess of a show today. If you're in the Jersey Shore area, don't forget to get caught up on all your shots and to slather liquid penicillin with SPF all over your body. It's that season again!
Even though Snooki's got a guidoling in her malt liquor-soaked womb, she's still part of the cast and showed up looking six shades of FUG. It looks like a leopard swallowed a mash-up of every Cher era before wet farting it out all on Snooki. I want to say that bitch looks like Tattoo from Fantasy Island in drag as a Mötley Crüe groupie, but that would be offensive to the memory of Tattoo and to Mötley Crüe groupies.
And I'm pretty sure Snooki's carrying her pickle spawn in her chichis.
I know. Whores, including this whore, need to stop trying to make Tan Mom happen, but I promise this will be the last post about her (I'm lying). After this, the next time we'll talk about her is when we're all drunk in a booth at Waffle House at 3am and the waitress brings a plate of sausage patties and one of us goes, "It's Tan Mom!" That'll be the next time, but in the meantime above is a clip from TMZ of the minstrel show version of Fire Marshall Bill burning up the poof on Snoopy's head by cursing her out. No, Woodstock does not have to sharpen his beak to defend his main bitch, Tan Mom meant "Snooki" instead of "Snoopy." Being drunk on UV rays charred her brains and put the slur on her tongue a bit. TMZ told Tan Mom that Snooki called her "a crazy bitch" and the mother of the year who looks like a Raisinet after you suck all the chocolate off of it had this to say:
"She's the biggest asshole in the world. She's fake, she's fat, her tits are fake, she's disgusting. And when this is all said and done, I'd like to meet up with 'Snoopy.'"
Oh, Tan Mom, you crazy sun dried fig-looking bitch. Snooki is fat, because she's knocked up. As much as I'd like to see Tan Mom and Snooki fight it out in a tan-off to the death, I'd much rather see Tan Mom meet up with SNOOPY. This calls for a live action version of Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin starring Tan Mom as the Great Pumpkin!
And here's the frame broiled pride of New Jersey spreading a little sunshine yesterday.
Never mind that Tan Mom could use the shade and then some, Snooki has gone against the barbecued ghost of her future and has called Patricia Krentcil, who my friend said looks like Mr. Hankey's long lost mother, "crazy" for turning her skin into burnt crème brûlée and for allegedly letting her 5-year-old tan. The deep fried dingle plucked directly from the sun became a media sensation after she was arrested and charged with felony child abuse for allegedly putting her daughter in a tanning booth. Snooki should be slow clapping for Tan Mom since she's having an incubator turned into a baby tanning bed for her guidoling, but nope! Snooki has turned against one of her own by saying this to Extra:
“That bitch is crazy… you are not supposed to take kids there. Everyone knows you are NOT supposed to take kids there.”
I refuse to believe that the vodka and jacuzzi water lake in Snooki's almost empty head is capable of producing a reasonable thought, so obviously she just said this because she's jealous of Tan Mom. Snooki could lock herself in a tanning bed tomb for weeks on and she'd never come out looking like creamed beef jerky slathered on a scorched hot dog.
And I'm beginning to think that Tan Mom's foundation is made by Minwax, because TMZ talked to her yesterday and she didn't look like a leather sofa cushion with eyes.
Maybe the frosted pink lipstick dims her skin tone?
If the sanctity of motherhood is going down, it's going to take whatever corroded pieces are left of the sanctity of marriage with it. That sound of two shotguns cocking (side note: That sounds kind of hot, but it's not in this case.) you just heard was from humanity putting the barrel up to its heart and from a shotgun practicing Snooki's wedding march. Because People says that not only is an Oompa Loompa fetus getting drunk in Snooki's pickled womb, but she's also engaged to her midget Hulk boyfriend Jionni LaValle. While I love the name Snooki LaValle since it sounds like the name of a John Waters character played by Pia Zadora, I cannot condone this mess. This is not going to end well FOR ALL OF US!
As the employees of New Jersey's Child Protective Services cheer this news because it means they'll all have jobs for the next 18 years, Snooki's ex-piece Emilio Masella tells TMZ that he hopes she has a miscarriage:
“I hope for her sake … not to be rude or anything … but I hope she has a miscarriage. When I was with her, she said she wanted twins. She would always say ‘Let’s have twins.’ I would def recommend her to get a paternity test to see who the father is because I’m sure there are other subjects. Vinny could easily be the father.”
Snooki shouldn't get her feelings hurt over that shit, because Emilio totally didn't mean to be rude or anything. We should all learn from this roid-damaged piece of douchewad shit. Whenever you're about to fist pump a trick in their emotional place by saying some truly fucked up shit, start off by saying "not to be rude or anything" and you won't hurt their feelings. Let's try it! Not to be rude or anything, Emilio, but I hope the earth miscarries you by spitting you out into the universe. See! It actually sounds nice. I should go back and add "not to be rude or anything" to every sentence I've ever written.
And here's the soon-to-be mother of every year, JWoww and their pieces shooting their reality show in Jersey City yesterday.