The bad news is that the guest bloggers are not international supermodel Phoebe Price and her sidekick dog Henry. Chicken Cutlets' daily schedule is already filled to the top with risking her life (if she queefed, that 76 would explode into the heavens) by posing with a gas pump at various Los Angeles-area gas stations. The good news is that the guest bloggers are two Dlisted commenters! But before we get into introductions, let me explain myself.
This week, my mom and auntie are visiting all the way from California. My mom has been to New York a million times and her idea of a vacation is sitting on my couch while lecturing me on everything from my diet ("You should drink grape seed extract in distilled water instead of sugar milk with a splash of Sanka in the morning") to my exercise regime ("You should walk on the treadmill 20 minutes a day instead of walking your fat, bloated fingers along the remote for 4 hours a night!") Yes, my mother's dream in life is to be Dr. Oz's assistant of the day. Anyway, that's my mom's idea of a dream vacation, but thankfully for me it's not my auntie's.
My auntie wants to see all the shit that the tourists want to see. And I've agreed to be her guide! You know, because I'm so good at that. I'm so good at standing in a crowded elevator at the Empire State Building and loudly saying: "I've lived in New York City for almost 10 years and I've never been to the Empire State Building! Isn't that funny. Again, I've lived here for TEN WHOLE YEARS. A DECADE. That's 3,650 days if you aren't familiar with the years measurement. Isn't that crazy? Living in New York City, New York for TEN YEARS and never going to places that only tourists who don't live in New York City, New York go! You know, because I'm not a tourist so it would kind of stupid for me to go to tourist places without relatives like you who are tourists. Oh, is that my phone ringing? It's probably my New York City accountant who is calling to remind me to pay my New York State taxes next April because I'm a resident of New York City."
So yeah, I'll be doing a lot of that and won't be covering the status of Kim Kardashian's bleached asshole as much. But fear fucking not, two escapees from the Dlisted comment asylum will have you covered! And they are:
Sweetas - Sweetas in Latin does not stand for "sweet ass" as you might expect. It stands for "pickled anus," because she's as funny as she is drunk.
Jack-N-The-Hat - Jack hails to us from the wonderful state of The Fuck If I Know. Jack's Dlisted name always reminds me of Jack in the Box, which reminds me of a Sourdough Jack. And just like a Sourdough Jack, this Jack is full of processed meat, covered in bread and will give you the hard shits if you swallow him too fast. But Jack is the classier Jack in the Box, because he's got a hat instead of a box. If your pussy is too good, refer to it as a "hat" instead of a "box." The term "box" is only reserved for bougie pussies.
Sweetas and Jack be here all week! I'll also be posting in the morning and sometimes throughout the day, but they'll cover most of the hard hitting stories (see: Kim Kardashian's bleached asshole). Please give them the love and respect you give me on a daily basis. And yes, by "love and respect," I mean a lot of boos, made up coupons for Grammar School and pictures of kittens and peens (But not pictures of kitten peens, because that would just be over the line! Or would it?).
Believe it or not, there's actually other weddings happening this weekend and my ass just so happens to be going to one in what most people call the England of America: TEXAS! No, I won't be ching ching-ing champagne flutes with the Princess of Moldavia like the royals will be, but I will definitely will be toasting to the bride and groom at the wedding I'm going to with plastic cups full of red wine and Coke, so who's the real winner here? Thankyouverymuch!
My flight keeps getting delayed for obvious reasons, but hopefully I'll get into Texas in time to score some street meth, snort a few lines of chopped up No-Doz and get myself nice and perky for an all-morning highblogging binge OF THE EVENT OF THE
CENTURY YEAR MONTH WEEK WEEKEND (after the Texas royal wedding I'm going to, of course).
I will be co-liveblogging here at Dlisted with the fancies of The Morton Report beginning at 4am east coast time. They'll probably be the ones pointing out all the details while I incoherently ramble on as usual about how I got Chelsy Davy's numbah, etc! I'll be operating on natural craziness and gas station coffee, so I'll look how that Prince William wax figure feels. Or is it I'll feel how that Prince William wax figure looks? Shit, I'm already fucked up. Until then!
If you opened up a big moving present this Christmas hoping to find a furry bundle of adorableness and were slightly let down (but not really) when it turned out to be a box of fully charged vibrators instead, you can live vicariously through all these people who all got a PUPPY!!! for Jesus' birfday. This video might make you softly bawl to yourself, especially if you think about all the ugly ass Christmas wrapping paper that exists on the planet. We all weep for ugly ass Christmas wrapping paper. And on that note...
Things will be extra slower than usual around these parts until next Monday, because my mom has decided to spend the holidays in NYC this year and so I have to take here around to see all that Christmas shit. And since it's icier than the inside of a toilet after a Snow Miser bowel movement, we're going to have so much fun cracking our ass bones on the snow-covered pavement while trying to take a picture of a stupid giant Christmas tree you can see from the comfort of your own browser. If only Swiss Miss made hot chocolate packets with extra Valium marshmallows.
via Gawker TV
As the Vampire King of Germany, Kunty Karl, and his sessy human Baptiste Giabiconi strut their asses through St. Tropez, I'll be trying to emulate their strut on a beach in Jersey (not Snooki's neck of the stroll). Although, I won't be doing it in shorty shorts like Baptiste's since that could be considered disturbing the peace.
So anymycrabswillgetnewfriends, posting will be much slower than usual since my ass will be taking a long weekend. Things will be back to normal on Tuesday!
So for the next few days I'll be filling my body with the sweet nectar from a foreign land and charbroiling my nalgas in more ways than one. Because of this, posting will be lighter than usual. The hotel swears on a pair of lucite heels (yes, I sent them a pair of lucite heels and made them swear on them) that their wifi is fast so I'll still be posting ginges and chichis every day. Things will go back to normal on Monday.
For now I leave your asses with the video above featuring the world's worst wedding DJ. Well, some call him the worst, but I call him the fucking best! What other DJ will give you Phil Collins AND a delicately choreographed hand dance. I don't want to give anything away, so I'll just ask you to stick around till after the 0:24 mark.
If we ever have a Dlisted Booze & Bong party we should hire this dude to be our DJ. When he blasts Phil Collins we'll all form a line on the side of the stage. Slap my chichis like a cymbal!
(Thanks to Anna for the clip)
I'm about to make my way back to my native land of California to feast on my native food (In 'N Out and Albertsons brand potato chips), listen to my native music (93.5 The Beat) and chant with my native people (pass the bong around with my chola cousins). So this is my last post of the day unless they have a fast Internet connection on the plane (which I doubt those cheap bitches do).
And I'll also be on holiday schedule until January 4th. I'll still be posting every day, but I'll also be spending my time hanging out in front of the Panda Express at the food court checking out dudes. Just like the old days!
Anyway, I leave you with the above video of Alia Shawkat (Maeby from Arrested Development) and company recreating the legendary TOP THAT! rap battle from Teen Witch. This rap battle took place waaaaaaay before the whole East Coast/West Coast thing.
I'm okay with Alia's tribute to one of the greatest pieces of 1980s art, but this better not start a trend. If I see Miley Cyrus doing her own version on YouTube, I will file papers with the courts asking for TOP THAT! to be declared a historical landmark.
Below is the original for comparison.