Brats

It's an airbrushed to hell JLo with her twins, Max & Emme, on the cover of People Magazine! This is what $6 million (allegedly) gets you! The new issue hits stands tomorrow and promises 12 pages of JLo, Skeletor and their babies. People made a good call and kept Skeletor off the cover. This isn't a Halloween issue. They also take us inside the twins' nursery? Which one? I bet you anything JLo had a fake nursery made up, so she doesn't look that crazy. The real nursery is covered in solid gold, diamonds, furs and elephant ivory.

It's always hilarious when celebrities put their newborn babies in magazines. Babies pretty much look all the same at that age.

They probably went with this picture, because every time JLo went to hold them they started crying. Well, I'm sure this is like the third time she's seen them! They want the nanny.

"Eveeeerrrrrryyy timmmeeeeee I turn around! I see the girl that turns my world around!" Punky Brewster aka Soleil Moon Frye gave birth to her second child, a boy GIRL (I wrote boy before! Need more coffee), in Los Angeles yesterday. Punky has named her a boy's name, Jagger Joseph Blue Goldberg. That's a lot of name. Punky and her husband, Jason Goldberg, already have a daughter named Poet Sienna Rose Goldberg.

If the couple have a third child, that kid's third name will totally be chartreuse. Well, they like colors. I actually don't mind the name Jagger, because it makes me think of JAG which makes me think of David James Elliott and he's sort of hot. It's still a boy's name, but maybe she's planning to give her a sex change later on in life. It pays to plan ahead.

Soleil could have at least used the name "Brandon" somewhere in her new daughter's name. Brandon was the hottest friend a kid could have. She also should have used the name "Cherry" somewhere. Cherry was always my favorite, because she didn't give a fuck! Honestly, you must not give a fuck if you wear skinny belts on your head. The best Cherry moment was when they played hide-and-seek and that bitch hid in the backyard refrigerator and almost died!

I am leaving you with the show's theme song in hopes that it infiltrates your brain and stays there all day long.

P.S. - Soleil's husband's head is HUGE. He's going to crush her head. Sexy.

Skeletor recently attended a NYPD Fundraiser where he said that he's become skilled at putting his Dragon Tales twins to sleep. He said JLo even gave him a nickname, “I’m so hands-on with them that the household developed a nickname for me. They call me the Burp Whisperer.” That doesn't even make sense! Shouldn't it be the Dragon Tales Twins Whisperer? JLo needs to hire writers to come up with material for her daily conversations, because she sucks at nicknames.

I know how Skeletor is putting them to sleep. He's whispering in their little ears, "You better can it or I'll suck the soul out of you! You'll be as soulless as your mother!" Babies know zombie talk.

At least somebody around that house is taking care of the babies. I'm sure JLo has seen them twice in their whole lives. She probably saw them once when they were born and once during their $6 million photoshoot. She will see them a third time when decides to show them off to the paparazzi. This of course will be after she's had her face, ass, stomach and thighs wet-vacced.

I love Melissa Joan Hart, because she is the mid-90s wrapped up in a tiny package. I think a law needs to be passed requiring her to only wear chokers, floral spaghetti-strap dresses underneath white t-shirts and other 90s fashions. Anyway, Sabrina and her husband, Mark Wilkerson, welcomed a second son yesterday. Braydon Hart Wilkerson weighed in at 7 lbs., 3 oz. Bradyon?! That's kind of 70s. She should have named him Luke or Dylan.

Melissa told People, "This has been a long but exciting pregnancy, and we along with Mason are excited to add to the Wilkerson clan."

Oh shit! Remember floral spaghetti-strap dresses underneath white t-shirts?

Lisa Marie "I'm not fat, I'm pregnant" Presley is having twins according to Star Magazine. Lisa Marie is 4-months knocked up by husband #4, Michael Lockwood. One of the twins is a boy. She has to name him Elvis or I will never forgive her. Ok, she can name him Jacko too and I'll be ok with that. I know her heart still belongs to him.

A source told Star, "Michael told me that he and Lisa have been trying to get pregnant for about a year. He also said that they had a sonogram two weeks ago, and [one] baby opened its legs, and they saw something!' Michael was beaming." Already opening its legs?! What a tramp.

Seriously though, in vitro babies are everywhere now. I think this is Tom Cruise's doing. Angelina Jolie's growing child army is making him nervous, so he's forcing all the Scientology chicks to carry as many babies as possible. We've got a Scientology and Brangelina war on our hands. I'm just waiting to hear that Madonna is knocked up with triplets, because the Kabbalaballaaha skanks must also get in on the action.

It's a miracle! JLo finally delivered her twins in her special hospital suite at North Shore University Hospital on Long Island shortly after midnight today reports People. JLo's rep confirmed she had a boy and a girl. The girl was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and the boy followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs.

Their rep said, "Jennifer and Marc are delighted, thrilled and over the moon." Jennifer is the size of the moon is probably what he meant to say. JLo is probably already on the phone screaming things at her people. She probably doesn't understand why her babies don't have hair and she wants answers! She's also bringing hair and make-up people in to get her babies ready for their photo shoot. They can sleep when they are dead! It's money-making time.

I'm on the edge of my oatmeal bowl waiting to hear the names. Just name one of them "Escandalo" and I'll be your biggest fan, JLo.

Chris Noth and his girlfriend, Tara Wilson, welcomed a baby boy on Friday. Their rep told People, "I am happy to confirm that Chris Noth and Tara Wilson are the proud parents of a happy and healthy baby boy." He weighed in at 7lbs, 10oz.

They have named him Orion Christopher Noth.

When I first saw the name Orion, I thought I was reading Onion. Onion makes me think of onion rings which makes me think of a double cheeseburger which makes me think of a chocolate shake which makes me really hungry. Any name that immediately conjures up the vision of a well-balanced meal is ok with me.

Honestly though, Orion? Is their baby an 85-year-old man?!

Jonny Fairplay from Survivor and Michelle Deighton from America's Next Top Model have a kid. Try not to look so thrilled. PageSix.com reports the couple welcomed a baby girl this morning and named her Piper Addison. I'm surprised they aren't already selling the baby pics. Didn't they sell their damn ultrasound scans?

Jonny said, "I am so happy, this is crazy! I am a dad, I am about to go and smoke a cigar!"

The couple plan to get married this Spring.

Great now this jackass can go on another reality show and make up a lie that his baby was injured in an accident to gain sympathy. He would totally do it. Remember when he lied about his grandmother dying, so he could win a challenge? I think CPS should be on-call just in case.

I think that's Jonny's panty pudding all over their faces.

Xtina and Bat Boy popped out a baby boy last night at 10:05. On the dot. Well, she popped it out and he probably watched while hanging from the ceiling. It was reported that she gave birth on Friday, but she held out for Saturday. They have named him Max Liron Bratman.

Their spokeswhore said, "Christina and Jordan are proud to announce the birth of their son Max Liron Bratman. He is a beautiful, healthy baby boy!" He came in at 6 lbs., 2 oz. and 20.5 inches. Damn, they really give you all the info. I'm surprised they didn't tell us if they circumcised him or not.

Congrats to tangerine and the bat!

Source: People