CPS Is On Line One

Everyone's new favorite warlock who spits out Sheenisms under a Twitter bridge (the crazy racked up 740,000 followers in less than 24 hours) was temporarily stripped of custody of his twin boys, Bob and Max, after their mother Brooke Mueller declared to the court that he threatened to cut off her head and send it to her mom. And I'm sure he was planning to do it with a shrimp fork he stole from a buffet.

Charlie says that just as he and his goddesses were about to put Bob and Max to bed, the police knocked on his fortress of winning and demanded that he had them over under court order. Radar has the video of one of Charlie's twins feeding him pieces of an apple (even the baby knows his ass needs to eat something) before he puts them in the police car. Charlie didn't burn the cops with his candle hands (like Lumiere on the wrong kind of meth) or stun them with the rainbow laser beams that shoot out of his eyes on command. Charlie calmly handed them over, said "see you later" and let them go home to Brooke. But he did add that "tiger blood drips from his fangs" now.

According to TMZ, the court documents filed by Brooke last night states that at his home in the Bahamas on February 23rd, Charlie threatened to poke out one of her eyes with a penknife. That is why Brooke dropped out of Charlie's Goddesses and left the Bahamas for California. The judge ordered that Charlie must stay at least 100 yards away from Brooke and their sons. Brooke said this in a statement:

"I am very concerned that [Sheen] is currently insane. I am in great fear that he will find me and attack me and I am in great fear for the children's safety while in his care."

Charlie was on Today this morning where he said that he's going to go to court to try to kill the restraining order and get his sons back. Charlie wants someone from Brooke's camp (or Brooke herself) to come to his house and spend time with his goddesses so that they know it's not the situation we all think it is. They're not smoking crack with one hand while feeding the boys with the other. They're not playing Tonka trunks with the boys while sucking on Charlie's perma soft crack noodle. It would be impressive if they were, because every skilled nanny must be able to successfully multi-task. But Charlie says this isn't happening and his home life isn't damaging to his boys at all.

While Charlie thinks his home would get the thumbs up from SuperNanny, he thinks Brooke's wouldn't. Brooke admitted to the court that she's in day treatment for drug addiction and her mom takes care of the boys while she gets her shit together. However, Charlie says that she's still on the bad shit and that's why he snuffed out her crack pipe and voted her out of the Bahamas.

In another interview with Radar, Charlie and "Goddess Natty" shows us pictures they took in the Bahamas of cocaine they say Brooke bought. The mouth of Charlie says that Brooke is hooked on Norco and continued to smoke crack even though he asked her to stop. Charlie threw out a message to Brooke at the end of the video, "How dare you? How dare you? You’re a better parent than me? Shame on you. Your day is coming and it’s coming fast.”

If you watch the video at Radar, you'll see for yourself that Charlie Sheen is like Christian Bale's character in The Fighter but with endless amounts money. Seriously, Christian Bale should just hand over his Oscar to Charlie, because Dr. Clown Shoes Winning is doing it better. And Christian Bale's Asian crack ho in The Fighter is a goddess from Mars compared to Natty. Natty's face looks like the wet part of a sore scab. Hair so dry that not even a malnourished goat would chew on that shit! I would say that Natty looks more like God's ass instead of a goddess, but that would be sacrilegious, wrong and untrue. I'm sure God's ass is a work of beauty and Natty is a work of hard living and empty conditioner bottles. Watching Charlie and Natty fuck is probably like watching a lizard fish scratch its back on a dead piece of coral. Just wrong.

And now I leave you with a quote from Charlie's interview with People: "It's not an act. Here's the good news: If I realize that I'm insane, then I'm okay with it. I'm not dangerous insane."

(Image via TMZ)

CSI made the children cry when they killed the reason for their coos this past Thursday night, and now this! Justin Bieber was voted MVP at the NBA All-Star Jam Session in L.A. on Friday night, but he almost didn't win that honor(?) because Common nearly trampled his ass on the court. Call Bieber Protective Services, because this is definitely toddler abuse. Bieber is as fragile as the wings on a Precious Moments figurine and the producers of CBS dramas and the organizers of charity events need to realize this! We should really put Justin in a plastic bubble to protect him from shit like this forever. John Travolta knows what I'm talking about.

Esperanza Spalding now has a face to go with all the thousands of "DIE IN A HOLE" text messages that have been bombing her phone ever since she "took" candy a Grammy from a baby Bieber. This is young Jonah, one of the more mature Beliebers out there, letting out a trail of tears over his teenager losing the Grammy. Esperanza Spalding! You are making the children cry! How dare you make better music than Justin Bieber! HAVE YOU NO HEART?!

Some of you might think it was wrong of Jonah's parents to record the saddest moment in his life and upload it to YouTube, but I'm all for people embarrassing their kids as soon as possible. Every parent should do it. You never know when you'll need ammunition for a future battle. Sometime in the future when Jonah is complaining about how his parents won't let him do something, they can just pull out this video and BOOM. It's over. Seeing your young self crying over the Bieber will render you mute every time.

And there's something about how Jonah keeps calling Justin "his teenager." It's like if Gollum was a child named Jonah and his "precious preeeecious" was a teenager named Justin Bieber. Lord of the.....WRONGS.

via Buzzfeed

If Blanket Jackson cloned himself twice and started a Hanson tribute band, it would look just like this latest nugget of fuckery cooked up by Richard Heene (aka Balloon Boy's dad). Richard has a totally useless piece of shit product out called the Bear Scratch, which is literally just a piece of wood, and has forced his boys out onto the ho stroll to whore that mess out for him in a music video. The result will make you want to scratch your eardrums and eyeballs out on the nearest tree. And since the nearest tree is almost 2 blocks away, I guess I'll have to buy a Bear Scratch. Fuck.

And I can't wait to see the leather bears get down to the dance remix version of this at The Eagle.

via Media Bistro

The judge in the custody battle that is NEVER EVER GOING TO END EVER already told Oksana Grigorieva to keep her collagen worms shut around the media, but she ignored his rule and walked into the iguana aquarium last night to talk to Larry King about more of the same stuff. Since OctoSana keeps spilling crap to the media without the judge's permission, Mad Mel is using this opportunity to try to snatch Baby Lucia away full-time. Ha. Mel has a better chance of getting a tag-team beej from a rabbi and Al Sharpton IN the jacuzzi than winning custody of Baby Lucia, but it'll be fun watching him try.

TMZ has it on good authority that the glum cunt's team of lawyers will file for sole custody on Monday morning on the grounds that OctoSana keeps throwing out lies about him to the media. Mel will argue that OctoSana doesn't give a sugar tit's nipple about her own daughter's well-being, because she's focused on dirtying his pristine image.

That stupid ass Mel. Bitch is just lonely now that he doesn't have OctoSana around to bark at and make the sign of a swastika on her face with his slap happy hand. The ottomans don't flinch when he yells at them, so it's not the fucking same!

And it's never too early for Baby Lucia to file for complete emancipation from both of their crazy asses. Baby Lucia obviously can't sign her own emancipation documents, but I'm sure any judge will accept one of her spit bombs as an official signature.

You know that part in Mommie Dearest when Christina Darling refuses to finish her nasty plate of raw steak, so Joan Crawford keeps putting it in her face for breakfast, lunch and dinner until that gross shit is at the bottom of her stomach? Well, according to UsWeekly Kate Gosselin is keeping Joan's legacy alive by continuing to shove the sandwiches her kids raise their noses at back into their lunch bags. Joan is taking an ax to a rose bush up in heaven in Kate's honor!

A source (aka Jon Gosselin needing a quick check for a new pair of Ed Hardy chonies) tells UsWeekly Kate's chirruns regularly come home with a half-eaten sandwich in their bags from lunch. Instead of throwing it into the trash or feeding it to her old possum hair who lives in a cage in the backyard, Kate repacks the old sandwich the next day. The source went on to say this mess, "The kids are stubborn, so sometimes the little kids have the same half-eaten sandwich in their lunch all week. Some of the little ones cry, and some get angry and fight."

First of all, Kate is way too busy to be making a bunch of mayo and butter sandwiches! She has things to do! She has to growl at her staff of nannies, pick out a new hairstyle to work from the JcPenney salon's look book circa 1997, and meet with Lucifer to discuss how she's going to maintain her cunt status. Things to do! Second of all, those kids need to stop being so wasteful and eat the damn sandwich. Just pick the mold off and blow on it a bit. Or they can bully one of their classmates to eat it so that Kate will step off their lives! Oh, wait.....

Don't you remember when you were 17 and you were on stage at Don Hill's in NYC flashing your censor bars at the crowd? Those were the days, right? Only it wasn't NYC, it was California. And it wasn't Don Hill's, it was in the cheap ass bedroom my mom built in the garage while Gina G blasted on a boombox. And it wasn't on stage, it was on top of a twin Ikea bed that was all sorts of wonky due to the half-broken wooden slats (I hate those slats). And it wasn't for a crowd, it was for NOBODY!

What I'm getting at here is that I know that 17-year-old Taylor Momsen is the hardest and edgiest bitch in every game (seriously, she probably even curses during Monopoly), but can't she wait a year to flash her duct-taped nipples. I mean, Chris Hansen is going to ask everyone to have a collective seat. Save that mess for the privacy of your own garage bedroom...while Gina G blasts from a boombox (the Gina G part is really important).

Here's a few pictures of Taylor with the blood of a chicken she sacrificed (aka Wet 'N Wild lipstick) smeared all over her eyes at a Paper Magazine party at Don Hill's last night. FYI: Hollywood Life threw a censor bar over her chest, but apparently she was wearing pasties.

This panda knows what I'm talking about:

via ONTD

And here's the latest episode in the ongoing "Foolery on Public Transportation" series. If this went down on the free Ontario Mills Shuttle bus in CA, I'd have to get on the phone with some of my chola cousins to tell them to calm down because they are mothers now! But this mess happened on a bus in San Antonio, Texas.

I'm not exactly sure what made chola mommy's exquisite Sharpie brows melt in anger, but she settled it with a punch to the face while holding her baby! And she continues to hold on her baby while beating some ass. This is the art of multi-tasking.

Bitch is making war with one arm, while making motherly love with the other! And I bet her burgundy lipstick (with black lip liner) didn't even smudge. Somebody hand her a "Smile Now, Cry Later" trophy for Chola Mother of the Year. It will look good on the mantel next to her summons from CPS.

They should teach this at Mommy and Me.

Source: WOAI via YT (Thanks Hexie)

Please tell me this BABY!!! is borrowing one of Snooki's own t-shirts and that The Situation isn't selling a line of tees for babies (SPOILER ALERT: he is). This is exactly why babies don't come out of the womb knowing how to read words. If this baby looked down and realized what was written on his/her shirt, he/she would never be the same again. Wasn't there a less offensive t-shirt in the store for baby to wear? Maybe an I Love The Situation I Just Made In My Diaper t-shirt?

Since The Situation thinks he's an entrepreneur, this is totally going to give him ideas. Expect The Situation to put out Muscle Milk Protein Formula for babies and fruit-flavored chewable Valtrex tablets.