CPS Is On Line One

1. Your choices as a parent might be questionable if you named your child Paisley. Tartan or Argyle I can deal with, but Paisley?!

2. Your choices as a parent are definitely questionable and you should probably resign as a mother to take up a full-time position as the creative director of PedoBear's Children's Theater when you push your kid in front of the Toddlers & Tiaras cameras dressed up as Julia Roberts from Pretty Woman. Not even the classy Julia Roberts in the brown polka dot dress after she gets de-whored on Rodeo Blvd. But the pussy peddling Julia Roberts who picks Richard Gere up on Hollywood Blvd. What kind of crazy is running through that bitch's brain to think it's okay and cute to dress her little daughter as a straight-up hooker whore?!

I'm surprised this little prostitot didn't stop, pull a rainbow of condoms out of her boot and tell the audience that she's a safety girl. I don't know whether to laugh as I pray that the world stops so we can throw that girl's parents off of it, or to weep as I pray that the world stops so we can throw that girl's parents off of it. Allow me to quote Snobby Saleswoman #1 from Pretty Woman when I tell Paisley's parents: "You're obviously in the wrong place. Please leave!"

The thing is, what really offends me is that if you're going to hooker up your daughter by dressing her up as a prostitution whore, you could at least do it with the right wig. That wig is more Lady Caca than hooker Julia Roberts. How dreadful.

Brooke Mueller took a break from trying to de-crackhead herself in rehab and stopped by Charlie Sheen's mansion on Sunday to stick her nostrils in his carpets hoping that she'll snort up something good. No, in an effort try to get clean Brooke played happy family with the dehydrated warlock and their twins. Brooke and Charlie are usually brawling like two toothless whores fighting over the last bit of crack dust on a broken light in a Super 8, but they put the hate on pause for the sake of their blond tiger cubs. Charlie gave this precious picture to TMZ and said "harmony is our goal. Sunday was a wonderful start." When Brooke graduates from rehab, Charlie plans to move her into a house near his mansion to parent their kids together.

Yes, Charlie and Brooke both have the same looks on their faces as a couple of methed-up crazies who stumble up to you in the parking lot of a Walmart to make a "fair trade" by giving you their toddlers in exchange for what's in your wallet and that bottle of ANTIFREEZE in your trunk, but they're trying.

And yes, I only typed the word "ANTIFREEZE" in all Kanyes to distract Charlie and Brooke with all of the freebasing possibilities while their toddlers sneakily crawl to a safe place where they can be raised by that half-eaten Twizzler.

26-year-old Aimee Rachlin (aka Dumb Bitch #1) of Huntington, New York was arrested on Friday for leaving her baby in a giant unlocked oven while she shopped for 15 minutes inside of an air conditioned K-Mart. The cops were called, because everybody knows you don't leave a baby baking in a car. You chain their ankle to the rim and give them an ice cube! Well, Aimee didn't do this, so she was taken in for child endangerment.

News reporter Christine Insinga (aka Dumb Bitch #2) was sent to the baby broiler's mother's house, where she's currently living, and knocked on the door. Christine was greeted by an unknown woman (aka Dumb Bitch #3) who said "hello" by giving her a face full of tap water and then turning the hose on her when she refused to leave.

IN THIS HEAT (which is the IN THIS ECONOMY of summer 2011), bitch is bringing the stupid in heavy doses by wasting that water. Where was this bitch with a tub full of water when that overheated baby in the parking lot needed her most?! And if Aimee wore this mask, the police would've just let her go. Stupid ho should've known this. Dumb bitches, all of them.

via Asylum (Thanks Mox)

File this under: If you're a mother please try to contain the fuckery while in the presence of your child on public transportation, because somebody will record it on their cell phone and embarrass your whole entire life by uploading it onto YouTube. Oh, and if you're going to NOT contain the fuckery, make sure your weave is bolted on. (Yes, that's the entire file title. I'll wait while you find it.)

Like the Muni bus fight and the spaghetti brawl before it, here's a depressing clip of two stupid bitches fighting on the L Train in NYC after the graceful blue flower with the baby tried to beat White Oprah in this year's East Coast Mother of the Year Contest by macing the graceful white flower during some verbal altercation. Yes, spraying mace near your baby's face is an act of maternal love, but busting another crazy ho in head while the stroller rolls towards the platform makes the patron saint of mothers, OctoMom, cry an inspirational tear.

You know that baby turned his/her stroller into a windglider by blowing really hard, because he/she wanted to get far far away from that mess. Baby was like, "Fuck this. I'll take my chances with the rats on the platform." Eventually, the baby rolled down the platform where the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles saved him/her and raised him/her as their own.

A witness tells Animal New York that this was a multi-location bitch fight. They took that shit to the platform and back to the train. As far as the witness knows, the cops never showed up and the dumb fuck in the blue was reunited with her child on the platform. That child should've slapped her again and hollered for CPS.

Childhoods might've been fucked in the making of this video, but weaves were not. THANK GOD. And this is totally the reason why there's no subways in Florida. The heat + the subway = fuckery to the tenth degree

InTouch Weekly published an interview with OctoMom a couple of weeks ago that they supposedly bought from a freelance reporter who is close to her lawyer. The interview was like a serenade song to Child Protective Services, because OctoMom was quoted as saying that she hates her 14 million babies and that they completely gross her out. But Octo quickly denied the interview ever took place and said that she was considering throwing a lawsuit at InTouch for slander since those words never squeezed themselves out of her triple stuffed rigatoni lips.

Well, TMZ got a hold of audio from the interview Octo says never went down and she doesn't say her babies disgust her. Octo says that ALL babies disgust her. Glad, we could clear that up. Cut to Octo:

"Whenever I hear a baby cry, I cringe. I do not like babies. I am absolutely disgusted by babies. They make me sick ... I don't even look at them. I have to look away."

Octo also said that she locks herself in the bathroom sometimes to get away from the madness, something she denied every saying. Click here if you want to listen to the interview, but if your soul assumes the fetal position from listening to the sound of babies screeching like bats fighting over the last blood clot ball, then don't do it.

When I was in the 3rd grade, I bought 5 cans of creamed corn to donate to a food drive at my school. But instead of donating the cans, I ate all of them with sugar at once. That night I learned that creamed corn looks the same way going out as it does going in. To this day, I can't even sniff canned creamed corn without the heaves crawling up my throat. So, I guess, in a way, babies are to Octo as what canned creamed corn is to me. But the big difference is that the mountain of creamed corn I barfed up didn't rely on me to put it to my nipple for leche (heave 1), change its diaper (heave 2) and show it love in the form of a cuddle (heave 3). So crazy bitch just needs to deal.

The moral of the story is, don't go on a baby popping binge if you can help it. The other moral of the story is, don't go on a canned creamed corn binge, because you'll hate canned creamed corn afterward and a family who was supposed to get those 5 cans will probably starve to death.

Remember the story from last month that made your skin crawl into your happy place? Well, it's back! 51-year-old Doug Hutchinson, the actor who is most famous for playing a 1930s prison guard, and his 16-year-old child wife Courtney Stodden, whose face looks like it's been marinating in a prison cell since the 1960s, sat down with Good Morning America's Lara Spencer to tell their side of the story that made Woody Allen bust out a thumbs up. Let me lay down the facts according to Creep Face and Ole' Whore Face before I get into Courtney's bizarre orgasm eyes during the entire interview.

- Courtney met the creeper who looks like he nom nom noms on the crotch part of dirty panties when she signed up for one of his acting classes online. Doug says he didn't know Courtney was born in 1995 at the time. Courtney says she made the first move, because she thought he was so "handsome." They kept their relationship strictly an online thing for months.

- Doug says he never broke any laws and Chris Hansen never poured him a glass of iced tea, because he never did cyber sex shit with Courtney. Even after they met, they kept their clothes on. Courtney says she's a strict Christian girl and was saving herself for marriage. Courtney's pimp of a mom who puts White Oprah's child selling game to shame approved of her daughter's relationship with Doug from the very beginning. Apparently, Krista Stodden is the one who told them they should get married with her consent. Krista says she could feel their love in heart from the beginning. Somewhere Roman Polanski is on his knees, praying that Krista will give birth to another daughter that he can marry in 15 years.

- Good Morning America was given a copy of Courtney's birth certificate and verified that she's 16. Courtney denies having plastic surgery and Doug says her rode hard, put away wet face was made from the hands of God. Courtney had to drop out of school, because she was constantly bullied by jealous girls. Courtney now takes courses at some online Christian school.

- Courtney says she's not a gold digger and is not using Doug to further whatever career she thinks she has. If marrying Doug makes her star, then that's just another gift. But if it doesn't, Courtney will be with him forever. Of course, they're currently trying to get a reality show deal.

Yes, their story is like a performance art piece built around the word "disturbing," but what was even more fucked up is Courtney practically licking Doug's nasty face with her eyes during the entire interview. Push me through a Silkwood car wash, because this interview was the epitome of gross. This is what a porn version of Mannequin called Blow-up Doll would look like. Because Courtney acted the way a dude would want his blow-up doll to act if it came alive. It's hilarious in a tragic way watching an alleged 16-year-old giggle and try to make hardcore sex faces. Courtney makes a dying trout gasping for air look sexy.

Or maybe Courtney is drugged as all hell, because she does make me want to hold my 8-ball closer. It's as if Casey Anthony handed her a sneeze cloth just minutes before this interview.

And yes, I've already added their future reality show to my Tivo Wish List.

via Washington Post (Thanks Lisa)

Nothing comes between a HONGRAY granny and her morning bacon, not even 9 year old little kids!! The Smoking Gun reports that Marilee Ann Kolynych caught a case of the NOT THE ONE when her 9 year old grandson "ate too much bacon at breakfast" and had to open up an Ensure sponsored can of WHOOP ASS!!

According to the Clifton Heights Police Department, Kolynych chased the boy out in to the yard, tackled his ass to the ground and sat on him while spraying a water hose in his face. Bitch don't play. The boy finally broke loose of memaw's claws of death, ran across the street to a neighbor's house and called his mother.... WHO WAS IN THE FUCKING BASEMENT OF THE MEMAW'S HOUSE!!! Granny is free on bail awaiting a July 7th hearing.

You know, when I was kid my memaw would make me go "fetch a switch" from a tree so she could beat my ass with it. Deciding whether to get a thin branch or a thick branch was the torture. A thick branch is a total BEAT. DOWN. and a thin branch sliced through your ass like buttah... I think I would have rather had the hose!!!!

Some say that OctoMom made her bed of BABIES!!! so she should lie on 'em. But after reading a supposed interview she gave to InTouch Weekly (via Daily Mail), I say that Child Protective Services needs to lay a rescue net over her BABIES!!! and drag them to a safe house far far away from OctoMom's crazy ass.

If I had 14 kids pounding my nerves into dust with their high-pitched screeches, I'd definitely make a noose out of dirty Pampers and pray that the underworld is for 18+ only and has a strict carding policy, but this is why I haven't push 14 fucking babies out of my anus (you know, because I can)!!!!

Here's the words that have earned OctoMom the Most Promising Future Award from the Susan Smith Foundation:

"I hate the babies, they disgust me. My older six are animals, getting more and more out of control, because I have no time to properly discipline them. The only way I can cope is to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Sometimes I sit there for hours and even eat my lunch sitting on the toilet floor. Anything to get peace and quiet. Some days I have thought about killing myself. I cannot cope.

Obviously I love them - but I absolutely wish I had not had them."

There are only 4 reasons I could come up with for why OctoMom's mouth would give birth to shit words like this:

1. This quote is a flute, CPS is a slithering snake and she's trying to summon them out of a basket so they can snatch up her child army and this fuckery for her!
2. Octo knows that sex sells, but since her womb has crawled up to her vagina entrance and blocked it with all its might, she she has no sex to sell. So she has to sell foolery instead!
3. BITCH IS CRAZY.
4. InTouch's creative writing department is really going for the gold.

Choosing any one of those answers will earn you an A+ since they are all completely plausible. But if bitch thinks shit is hard now, just wait until all 200 of her BABIES!!!! turn into TEENAGERS!!!!!!!! Now that is some real Suicide Watch shit!

The worst part about raising a dysfunctional and damaged child is that there's a good chance they will give birth to another dysfunctional and damaged child when they turn 13. A dysfunctional and damaged grandchild that you will have to take care of because your dysfunctional and damaged child is too busy shooting heroin into their taint and whoring under the bridge with any trick that winks at them. Take a breath, Octo, because it could be a long ride.

Here's Octo earning a check last night by participating in some celebrity boxing match in Philadelphia.

General Kate and her army of sad midgets keep a tight ship!! RadarOnline has a sneak peek of an upcoming episode of "Kate Plus 8" that captures the Sweat Shop Mother of the Year, 2011 in action.

In the video, Mommy dearest and her pack of soon-to-be-runaways are baking "special treats" for the patients of a local dialysis center where Kate used to work (cut to Annie Wilkes shaking her head). Stay sharp, Kate Plus Hate is in the neighborhood spreading sunshine (her words HA!)!!!

She's quoted as saying "the only excuse for messes is carelessness"... I'm thinking Jon Gosselin is being a little more careful nowadays! You know, I wouldn't be surprised if, after the cameras quit rolling, she marched those little fuckers out single file to the camera crew's trailer and had them clean up their shit!!! Kate don't play!

She also blurted out a line that I've heard a time or two in my life, however, it was usualy being mumble out of some drunk chick's mouth around 3am... "If it turns into a mess, you are instantly done, I'm not in to that!!!!"

Anyone that has had kids possibly knows of the joy of getting rid of a kid's pacifier... there's not a more perfect parent in the world that knows this to be TRUE FACTS more than VADGE!!!

VADGE is stiiiiiiiiiiilllllllll sucking on the pacifier known as Baby Brahim (aka Jello Pudding's new pedo-pop) despite prior reports of her dropping him off at the orphanage.

I've seen people try many a trick to discourage the pacifier ISSUE!!! However, VADGE knows how to mother the young of tomorrow and is only doing this for the GOOD OF HUMANITY!!!

My hat's off to VADGE, but more importantly to Kid-N-Stay for sticking out having to watch her beef jerky ass do hours of weight lifting, NOT 14 HOURS LIKE HEIDI, DON'T BE IRRATIONAL!