CPS Is On Line One

In case you missed it on Monday night's episode of Teen Mom 2, here's the mouth breathing, meth brow-having drop of coke smegma Jenelle Evans making yet another excellent life decision. Jenelle violated probation by getting an F- on a random drug test and she was given two choices: serve around two weeks in jail or stay on probation for another year. The 20-year-old pile of garbage disposal gunk chose to sit in jail for two weeks, because she didn't want to go through another year of having to stay away from her bong (and probably because she wanted a two week vacation from her kid).

In this touching scene, Jenelle's lawyer tells her the start date for her jail sentence and she immediately barfs glitter all over that date. Jenelle can't start serving her jail sentence that day and her excuse for why she can't is probably the worst excuse ever given for anything in the history of excuse-making. Jenelle can't go to jail that day because she has to go to a Ke$hit concert! She got feathers in her hair for it! Bitch got clothes FOR the concert. You know you have successfully become a failure at life when your lawyer tells you that most of your legal troubles will be behind you if you check into jail on a certain day and these 3 trash nuggets fall out of your talk hole:

- "No, no, you don't understand. This is my idol. She's my idol and I'm never going to be able to see her again."

- "Like no one understands how important this concert is to me. It's not just a concert, it's Ke$ha. Like, it's the person. It's not 'Oh, I want to go to a random concert.' It's Ke$ha, like, my idol, the girl I watch videos on YouTube 30 times a day. I mean, I'm obsessed with this girl."

- "I know it sounds crazy, but if I have to stay on probation to see Ke$ha, it might be worth it."

That clip has to be the most effective anti-drug PSA ever. It's even making me consider breaking up with my bong.

In the end, Jenelle's dumb ass failed another random drug test and got arrested. Jenelle is currently serving 3 life sentences in a maximum security prison and it's not because she failed two drugs tests. It's because she admitted that Ke$hit is her idol.

via Too Fab 

L.A. County's Department of Child Protective Services is dusting off Halle Berry's old file and they plan to pay her a little visit because of the Thanksgiving morning beat down between Nahla's father Gabriel Aubry and Olivier Martinez. Right before Olivier Martinez fisted Gabriel Aubry in his pretty face, Halle grabbed Nahla and rushed her into the house, so the kid really didn't see much of the French vs. French Canadian war of 2012. But CPS was still contacted.

A source tells Radar that right after Olivier put a swollen welt on Gabriel's eye, the LAPD reported the foolery to CPS. This isn't the first time CPS has put a magnifying glass on all those crazy bitches. They've investigated allegations of abuse before. The source says that a social worker will talk to Halle, Olivier and Gabriel to make sure that Nahla isn't totally in danger:

"Nahla wasn't actually involved in the melee, and by all accounts, Halle whisked her out of the driveway as soon as the fight between Olivier and Gabe started. However, DCFS was contacted because there has been a history of allegations of physical abuse. Social workers will be interviewing Halle, Gabriel and Olivier about what happened on Thanksgiving. DCFS must ensure that Nahla's environment is safe."

Just when I start to think this couldn't get trashier, it does. Well, at least little Nahla has another chapter for the Mommie Dearest-like tell-all she'll write in 20 years. The lesson that Halle should learn from this mess is that the next time she wants some baby chowder from a hot piece, she should just pick up a hot piece from the side of the road, do him bareback-style in a motel and then disappear from his life. Didn't Halle Berry learn ANYTHING from that Heart song?

14-year-old Ariel Winter, who plays the daughter with the glasses on Modern Family, is now living with her older sister after she told the court her mother Chrystal Workman verbally, physically and emotionally abused her. Chrystal Workman denies abusing her daughter and she says her daughter only called CPS on her ass after she tried to put an end to Ariel's relationship with 18-year-old Cameron Palatas. Chrystal says she caught Ariel and Cameron in bed together and told her daughter she couldn't see him again, but when the illegal foolery continued, she filed statutory rape charges against him. I know, none of us know what to think about this mess, but thankfully we have the wise porn iguana that is Courtney Stodden to guide our thoughts for us. Radar went up to Courtney's advice booth and asked her what she thinks about 14-year-old Ariel dating an 18-year-old dude.

Courtney isn't a licensed therapist and has bleached iguana dingles for brains, but we should still listen to what she has to say because she's rill, rill wise like that. Courtney didn't know who Ariel was at first, so her keeper Doug Hutchison had to tell her and then she spat this up:

"I think it's awesome! As long as they're in love, it's okay. They should get married!"

I know that whenever I need relationship advice, I try to get it from an 18-year-old factory defected Frederick's of Hollywood mannequin who is possessed by the spirit of a lizard demon and calls her 51-year-old creepster husband "daddy." When Courtney Stodden says she approves of your relationship, that's your cue to un-friend your boyfriend on Facebook, erase all traces of him from your iPhone and pay a mind-erasing hypnotist thousands of dollars to scrub every memory of him from the crevices of your brain. Do take fashion, make-up and plastic surgery advice from Courtney, but don't take relationship advice from that mess. Go to bed, Courtney, and by bed, I mean JAIL!

And let's not ask Courtney what she thinks about Elmo getting it on with a 16-year-old. We've already been through enough today.

UPDATE: And here's Courtney, her pimp mom and her mutant foreskin of a husband at some event in Downtown L.A. last night. This is why you should always take fashion, make-up and plastic surgery advice from Courtney. The clear bra straps, the baby powder make-up, the melting face, the exquisite lucite heels and the not-at-all obvious tit padding... Why isn't this on the cover of Chernobyl Vogue?!

In "Hollywood stage moms are fucking nuts" news, 14-year-old Ariel Winter, who plays the smart daughter on Modern Family, has been taken out of her home and is now living with her older sister after her mom was accused of abusing her both emotionally and physically. Last month, a judge looked into the abuse allegations and decided they were serious enough to temporarily take custody of Ariel away from her mom Crystal Workman and give it to her 34-year-old sister Shanelle Workman. If you were addicted to One Life to Live, then you know who Shanelle is, because she played Tina and Cord's daughter for about a year.

Apparently, this isn't the first case in Crystal Workman's file with the Department of Children and Family Services. TMZ says that 20 years ago, Shanelle was also taken out of her home after Crystal allegedly whooped her with hands and words. Shanelle lived in a foster home for 2 years and never lived with her mom again. Crystal will have to show her face in court on November 20th and until then she has to stay at least 100 yards away from Ariel.

Radar had a story earlier about how Ariel is trying to legally quit her parents, because they won't let her be with her 17-year-old boyfriend, but TMZ says there's not one drop of truth in that story. My guess is that Crystal Workman knew the abuse story was coming out, so she tried to do some damage control by leaking the fake boyfriend story. I see you, Crystal Workman.

But wait, Ariel's 32-year-old brother Jimmy Workman tells Entertainment Tonight that his mother never abused Ariel and she never abused Shanelle either. Fun Fact: Jimmy Workman played the ever annoying Pugsley in the Addams Family movies, so you decide if you can trust his ass or not.

And Crystal Workman sounds like the name of a woman who only smokes Virginia Slims, has a huge collection of sleeveless button down shirts and has a leather purse with straps on it but still holds it like it's a football. Never trust a bitch who doesn't use her purse straps.

What's grosser than gross? No it's not a joke, it's this story I came across about Octomom. It's disgusting enough that she forces us to think about her and sex at the same time with all of her nasty videos and Howard Stern appearances and pole dancing and other vomit inducing shit. But this story that I hope to hell is not true is, incredibly, far more disturbing than any of that stuff.

According to TMZ, a couple of her old nannies are throwing out allegations of child sexual abuse. Not that she abused her children, but that she allowed one of her boys to take one of her girls to the side where the nannies said he would touch her inappropriately. The nannies say that Octomom never tried to stop it, acted like it was no big deal, and they go on to talk about other neglect and abuse that they witnessed. Stay down, breakfast, stay down.

Octo says that the nannies are lying and I say HOLY FUCK I FUCKING HOPE SO. Ugh. All I know is if I ever want to abuse some kids, I'm taking my ass to Cali. CPS should just move the whole family into their facility so they can save themselves all the trips.

Get your overstuffed ass out to pasture OLD kash kow Kim, there's a new boo in Kris Jenner's life. At least, Kris would love for there to be... a new Honey Boo Boo to be more specific. Just a couple of weeks ago Kris was turning her overly manicured nose up and shame, shame, shame on you-ing at Mama June for her child whoring ways and for being "classless". I'll wait a minute for the laughter to subside.

Now Kris wants to manage Honey Boo Boo. Mmmmhmmm.

So Hollywood Life has the scoop on Kris's amazing turnaround, based solely on her love for children and not at all by the realization that she's thisclose to being ousted by some 7 year old hillbilly beauty pageant princess. And if you can't get richer by pimping your own kids any more, why not get richer by pimping your replacement?? You have to slow clap for Kris's dedication to whoring and her complete lack of dignity and self respect. Bitch is on her game.

At this point, Kris is just extending the hand(cuff) and Mama June hasn't talked to her about it. Please Universe, if this meeting ever does occur, let Mama June have one of her famous gas attacks, and let her burp and fart and laugh in Kris's begging face with a mouthful of half chewed sketti as Honey Boo Boo snaps TWO Z's!!!! And let the cameras capture every delicious second of it. AMEN.

A few years ago, bitches lost their minds and called all the numbers to Child Protective Services when Kate "The Kunt" Gosselin was caught by the paps spanking a member of her child army on the driveway of her house. Well, a reporter named Robert Hoffman tells Star Magazine (via Radar) that Kate got a lot more hardcore than just a spank on the nalgas. Mady, Ady, Pady and the rest of the Gosselin children don't have to worry about writing a Mommie Dearest-like tell-all in 15 years, because apparently Kate kept diaries where she wrote all about how she whooped some 2-year-old ass.

Robert is writing his own book (DUH) called Kate Gosselin: How She Fooled The World and he wrote it using some of Kate's journals that he somehow got a hold of (SPOILER ALERT: Her old possum head hair betrayed her by giving them to him). Robert says that in one entry, Kate writes that when the kids ate some M&Ms without asking, she pulled Collin up by the hair and spanked him into a different race and back again. In another entry, Kate wrote about how she regularly used a wooden spoon that she called The Spanker. And Radar goes on with the fuckery:

Kate herself often worried about her excessive physicality, allegedly writing in the diary that she told her ex-husband, Jon Gosselin, that she “felt like I may hurt his children,” and that she preferred it when the kids were “out of her sight” whenever she flew off the handle, because then she knew “that they are safe.”

In another frightening entry, claims Hoffman, Kate wrote that she was so incensed after Collin threw a tantrum, “I sent him to his crib and whipped him into it very hard...I never felt that I may really seriously injure a child, but today was that day.”

In an abuelita's belt of whoopin' tools, I've seen a rubber chancla, a leather chancla, several kinds of belts, electrical cords, a switch and tree branches of all sizes, but I don't think I've ever seen a wooden spoon. You know, Kate Gosselin is an evil, greedy bitch who would repeatedly punch a baby bunny if someone told her it was filled with quarters, so none of this is surprising, but I have a question about the wooden spoon thing. Does she have a special spoon she uses just for spanking or does she use the  same one she mixes cake batter and oatmeal with? Because if it's the latter, that's just unhygienic and barbaric!

If you went into your car right now, opened up the ash tray and counted the coins you have in there, you'd basically have half of Dlisted's photo budget. So because of this, I don't have the pictures of Rotten Peaches Geldof snatching the Mother of 2012 certificate from Tan Mom's hand, but you must click on over to The Mirror and spend some time with them, because DAMN. Just a day after Peaches married Sherri (or Terri, I'm not sure) from The Simpsons, she took her 5-month-old baby Astala for a stroll that ended with his little baby legs flying up in the air. Peaches obviously got dropped straight on her head several times as a baby, but shouldn't she want something different for her own child? Shit.

Peaches was too busy yacking into her iPhone that she didn't notice a huge hole in the sidewalk. The stroller's wheel got caught in the hole causing the whole thing to topple over and BOOM! went baby. Unlike her baby, Peaches' iPhone was firmly strapped in and never left her shoulder as she picked Astala back-up. The dumb bitch was like, "Hey girl, so blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, Ohshit, Whatshisname just fell out of the pram! Don't be silly! You don't have to hold. As I was saying before Whathisname rudely interrupted me by almost dying...."

Rotten Peaches went on Twitter to blame the City of London for not fixing the roads and sidewalks. You tell those bitches, Peaches! Something truly terrible could've happened! Like Peaches could've dropped her iPhone. Do you know how much those things cost?

And if you need to know Baby Astala's thoughts on this, just look at that picture above. That's the face of a baby who knows the card he's been dealt and has already given up on life.

Someone is actually watching Bristol Palin's dried shit bomb of a reality show "Life's A Tripp" and just had to share this touching and moving Palin family moment with the Internet by uploading it to YouTube. Before Bristol spits out the only true she words she has ever said ("I'm doing a terrible job disciplining Tripp."), she nearly laughs her second face off after her 3-year-old kid calls Willow Palin a faggot for not letting him swim in the pool. What's kind of funny is that if faggot didn't mean what it means, Faggot would definitely be the first name of one of the Palins.

But wait. Life's A Tripp's showrunner tells Gawker that he was in the room when this scene was filmed and Tripp didn't launch the word faggot from his mouth, he used the other f-word.

Life's a Tripp showrunner Matt Lutz wrote in to say that Tripp's bleeped expletive was "fuck" and not "faggot." Lutz says that he was in the room at the time, and that he has reviewed the raw footage several times.

I believe Matt Lutz. If Tripp did call Willow a faggot, then that busted-brows piece of dumb trash would've given him a gold star in excellence for learning her favorite word instead of egging him on by laughing. If Tripp did use the fuck word instead of the faggot word, then all of us should give him a gold star in excellence. Because saying "I hate you! Go away, you fuck!" to a Palin has made him the official voice of the people!

Dear God, it's us, humanity, and we're finally ready for that apocalypse we've been promised.

The Rosemary's Baby theme loudly played in a doctor's office recently when an ultrasound scan picked up the terrifying image of an orange fetus in a mesh shirt. The ultrasound tech dropped the probe, ran to the nearest church and dipped their eyeballs in holy water to erase a picture that was more horrific than four horsemen farting out swarms of locusts while reading a newspaper with the headline: LINDSAY LOHAN WINS OSCAR (aka the true sign of the end, to be honest).

TMZ says that noted vagina-kicker Michael Lohan is procreating with Kate Major! In possibly related news, the unemployment rate just dropped 1%, because CPS has hired thousands of new agents to work in a new office right next to Kate Major's apartment.

Somehow between jumping into trees to escape the police and drunkenly beating on Kate, Michael Lohan found the time to fertilize her lady parts with the evil seed of Lohan. TMZ's sources say that Kate is in her first trimester and the act of her getting bareback dicked by Michael Lohan was illegal in more ways than one, because she had a restraining order out against him at the time of conception. The restraining order was lifted a few weeks ago, but I have a feeling that both Michael and Kate will get hit with another restraining order filed by their unborn fetus on behalf of EVERYONE.

Why? Why? Why did this happen? Why did our government do us wrong by not secretly spiking Michael Lohan's Axe dick lube with spermicide? Those two piece of trash fame whores might as well name their kid Poor Child, because that's what everyone's going to call it. And Lindsay Lohan better pick up a few more shifts at the escort agency, because she's got a new pair of nostrils to feed.