I'm Taking Notes
Starting next week, American Idol is trying it again and we'll all get to see the scripted drama between Mimi and Nicki Minaj play out as Ryan Gaycrest cries over what he's become into a custom-made silicone mold of Simon Cowell's tits. To promote the #1 scripted telenovela on network TV, Mimi did an interview with her VERY good friend (so says Babawaawaawwa a million times over) Barbara Walters and of course the subject of her bitch brawl with the Fraggle Rock refugee came up. Skip to the 3 minute mark to see these freshly polished diamonds provided by Mimi and Barbara:
1. Barbara saying "I'm quick to check a bitch if she is out of line" when talking about a song Nicki Minaj did about American Idol. That line is totally going to be the title for Barbara Walter's upcoming tell-all about what it's like working with Elisabeth Hasselcrack.
2. When Barbara asks Mimi if she's the bitch Nicki is singing about, the not-so-cowardly lioness gently yanks a bitch's wig by responding with, "I didn't know she sang. I thought she rapped, or whatever." YAASSS! That is Mimi's second greatest act of sheer bitchery behind her classic "Que Es A JLo?" moment.
3. Mimi calling American Idol a "classic, classy show." Mimi is spot-on with that description, but AI's title as the classiest show on television is all thanks to Rhonetta.
You know what's REALLY classic? This shade throwing moment from Mimi. Add it to the pile.
Above is Fiona "Let's Smoke Out Of A Bong" Apple at a show in Houston Friday night, one day after she was put into handcuffs after cops found a little weed and some hash on her tour bus at an inspection checkpoint. Between songs, Fiona gave the audience classic Fiona Apple when she let out a rambling monologue full of DRAMA. Fiona accused 4 officers of the jail she was kept in of doing some possibly illegal shit. Fiona let them know that at any moment she can set that station on fire with the revelations that will pour of her mouth. Fiona has been watching too much Revenge. Pitchfork transcribed Fiona's entire rant and it really has me wondering if I sound like that after smoking one too many bowls.
"Now, most of the people were very nice to me. There are four of you out there, and I want you to know that I heard everything you did. I wrote it all down with your names and everything you did and said stupidly thinking that I couldn't hear or see you. I then ripped the paper up, but not before I encoded it and-- I got two lock boxes. We'll call them "holding cell one" and "holding cell two". In "holding cell one" is the encoded version of the shit that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal. In "holding cell two" is the decoder. I'm the only one who holds the key, and you and I will be intimate forever because I will hold that secret forever. Unless of course the celebrity that you had so much interest in but you wanted to accuse me of bringing up while you laughed at me all night? Unless you're interested in being a celebrity, I'll make you fucking famous any time you ask and I'll open those boxes. So why don't you stay in your fucking holding cell?"
But the Public Information Officer of the Hudspeth County Sheriff's Department isn't sitting in the corner of a dark room and shaking at the thought of Fiona destroying him with a bunch of lock boxes of SECRETS! Officer Rusty Fleming fought back at Fiona with an open letter that I swear was ghostwritten by Dionne Warwick. Officer Rusty looked Fiona up and down and basically said she ain't shit. Fiona didn't put a spotlight on Officer Rusty, Officer Rusty put a spotlight on her. Yes, he's coming at her like that. TMZ has the letter and I snapped so much that the skin on my fingers rubbed off:
First, Honey, I’m already more famous than you, I don’t need your help. However, it would appear that you need mine.
Two weeks ago nobody in the country cared about what you had to say, -- now that you’ve been arrested it appears your entire career has been jump-started. Don’t worry Sweetie, I won’t bill you.
Next, have you ever heard of Snoop, Willie or Armand Hammer? Maybe if you would read something besides your own press releases, you would have known BEFORE you got here, that if you come to Texas with dope, the cops will take your DOPE away and put YOU in jail.
Even though you and I only met briefly in the hallway, I don’t know you but I’m sure you’re an awesome and talented young woman and even though I’m not a fan of yours, I am sure there are thousands of them out there, and I’m sure that they would just as soon you get this all behind you and let you go back to what you do best—so my last piece of advice is simple “just shut-up and sing.”
More like QUEEN Rusty Fleming. When he started off with "First, Honey, I'm already more famous than you...." I thought he was going to end with "I took your stash and I'll take YO MAN next, beeeee-otch!" Being an officer in Texas is fun. You get to take people's stash away and smoke it while writing bitch-a-fied letters. I mean, Rusty gave himself away with that "I'm already more famous than you" line. We now know what he did with Fiona's hash.
Are you a lady who woke up this morning, looked down and thought to yourself, "Pussy, how does it work?" Well, don't worry about spending the rest of your day searching through your kitchen junk drawer for your pussy instruction manual, because singing gynecologist Brian McKnight (the "Knight" stands for white knight of non-working pussies) is using the power of song to teach you where to find the start button on that pussay. But just so we're clear, Brian McKnight is not talking about this kind of pussy:
The professor of pussyology started Trending on Twatter last night after he released a preview of a coochie carol that will be on his new adult mix-tape. It's the Brian McKnight song of Brian McKnight songs. Here's a little taste of the lyrics and a little warning, your pussy might start working as soon you read these beautiful words. So warn the bitches around you.
Let me show how your pussy works since you didn't bring it to me first/I have a lot of things to show you if you're ready to learn/Let me show you how your pussy works/Bet you didn't know that it can squirt
My pussy started working and I don't even have a pussy (contrary to popular belief)! Thank you, Brian McKnight for teaching me how pussies work. And now the half-broken jukebox in my head can stop playing "Itsjust my three second ruuuu-uuuuuuuule" on a loop and start playing "Let me show you how your pussay weeeeeeeeeeerqs."
Without further comment, here's human roid and noted thinker Jose Canseco giving us his thoughts on how global warming could've saved us from "My Heart Will Go On."
One time I was on the G train (short for the Godthistrainisnevercominganditwouldvebeenfastertogetarideonaparaplegicdonkey train) in Brooklyn and some crazy subway prophet kept ranting at the mouth about how all of our sinful souls will one day rot under Lucifer's foreskin. You know, the typical feel-good morning sermon you usually hear from crazies on the subway. In between him calling us heathen pieces of peen cheese, he incoherently sang some song and doing this made him sound like he was speaking pig latin in tongues. So basically, he sounded like Nicki Minaj. This mess went on for way too long. Sometimes, a subway rider can't control their nerves anymore and will shout at the crazy to shut their verbal diarrhea hole. That's never a good move, because fighting crazy with crazy makes the crazy crazier. That didn't happen, but something bizarre did happen. A woman wearing a sensible business suit got up, walked over to the subway prophet, put her hand on his shoulder and told him he can stop now, because we've all heard his message. It didn't work and he kept spewing the shit, but I slow clapped her on the inside for handling that shit in a classy way. Well, Frances Bean is that woman in a sensible business suit, because last night she calmly told Courtney Love to shut the fuck up.
Courtney Love went too far, even for Courtney Love, in one of her late-night Twitter rantings when she accused Dave Grohl of trying to sex on Kurt Cobain through Frances Bean's coochie. Dave Grohl already denied that mess, and last night Frances Bean released a statement where she said that Twitter needs to close and lock their doors to crazy ass Courtney:
"While I'm generally silent on the affairs of my biological mother, her recent tirade has taken a gross turn. I have never been approached by Dave Grohl in more than a platonic way. I'm in a monogamous relationship and very happy.
Twitter should ban my mother."
"Biological mother." HA. If Courtney Love had any feeling left in her sedated face, she would've felt that swift and quick slap. But like the sensible business woman on the train, Frances Bean's reasonable statement is going to shut Courtney up. When the Twitter train pulls into the next stop, Courtney will get on and start rambling about how Dave Grohl's dick is a pendulum that is hypnotizing Frances Bean into hating her. #staybatshitcrazycourt
Bitches who said that one of the original first ladies of crazy, Sean Young, can't even get arrested in Hollywood are gargling and swallowing their words this morning, because the insane bitch who paved the way for fellow crazies like Spaz de la Huerta was thrown into handcuffs after she brought the insanity on a security guard at the official Oscars after party last night.
TMZ says that after the Oscars, Sean hung around the entrance to the Governors Ball with a group of friends. Apparently, Sean didn't have a ticket to get in and was trying to crash that shit. The security guard knew that Sean was trying to be slick and slip in, so he kept telling her to try the after-party at the IHOP on Santa Monica instead. You can't keep a crazy bitch away for long and Sean kept trying to get in. The security guard finally had enough of her shameless trying and the two got into it. The security guard says that Sean slapped him in the face and that's when he busted a CITIZEN'S ARREST on his ass. Sean was taken to a police station in Hollywood where she was kept for four hours.
TMZ has a video of Sean leaving the police station at 2 in the morning and the smell of teeth dust will hit your nostrils as soon as you start watching it. Sean should go into ventriloquism, because I don't know how the words made it out of her mouth while she was doing the 4th gear coke grind with her teeth. Dr. Drew's track record remains unblemished (of success stories that is).
Sean tells TMZ that it's the Academy's lawyer's fault. Sean said that she was at the party with friends when for no reason at all, the Academy's lawyer told the security guard to arrest her ass. No, Sean's side of the story makes no sense, but Sean never makes sense and I want off of this planet as soon as Sean starts making sense. Sean Young's crazy makes Dlisted go 'round!
And before Sean was arrested for impersonating a famous person, she managed to take pictures with the likes of Sandra Bullock, the owner of Angie Jolie's right leg and a sunburnt Santa Claus on meth. Sean should've worn her homemade Catwoman costume, because then she would've gotten the respect she deserves!
Every once and a while comes a story that is filled with so much wonderful that I have to rub my monitor to make sure my eyes are seeing it right and this is one of those once and a whiles. Radar says that Stephen Hawking regularly takes a break from doing whatever kind of genius stuff he does (I tried to read his Wikipedia page to find out, but my simple brain switched to images of shiny-haired puppies playing in the snow right after I read "theoretical physicist.") to bathe in thrusting chocha at a sex club in California. Devore, California isn't only the place where my cousin got kicked out of a Denny's for drunk barfing into a yellow mop bin on Halloween, it's also the place where Stephen Hawking gets wild with naked hos.
A member of the Freedom Acres swingers club in Devore, CA tells Radar that 70-year-old Stephen is a regular there and rolls up with an entourage of nurses and assistants. The fat-mouthed source went on to say, "I have seen Steven Hawking at the club more than a handful of times. He arrives with an entourage of nurses and assistants. Last time I saw him he was in the back 'play area' laying on a bed fully clothed with two naked women gyrating all over him. I have spoken to him on several occasions and have even shared drinks with people in his group. And he'll even take photos with people in the club as long as it's in a neutral area."
Stephen Hawking was already a beacon of inspiration, but now he's a constellation of inspiration after reading this story. Because no matter what happens, we'll never lose our need for peen (or poon, in this instance). Get your Big Bang on, Stephen!
If you've got an F next to "sex" on your drivers license, then you're going to want to read all of this right after you shred that drivers license since you shouldn't be driving, WOMAN! You should be sitting in the backseat crocheting a crown for your king husband while he drives. You also shouldn't be reading this unless you're reading this from your kitchen while making your king husband a meatloaf from scratch. Get in the kitchen, WOMAN!
On the season premiere of Ten Million Kids And We All Stopped Counting, human popcorn machine Michelle Duggar speaks at a conference and shares her tips on how to be a good Christian wife. Michelle handed the wives a worksheet titled "Seven Basic Needs Of A Husband" and it should really be titled "How To Be The Celie To Your Husband's Mistah." Michelle writes that a husband needs to feel like the Head Bitch in Charge and you can make him feel that way by depending on him financially and by always keeping your hair sexy and fresh. So far, no complaints from me! If I was a wife, I'd want to spend my morning asking my husband for money for the beauty salon and I'd want to spend my afternoon AT the beauty salon. Faith Goes Pop linked to the full worksheet, but here's some of the highlights:
1. A husband needs a wife who respects him as a man.
How does a wife destroy her husband’s manliness?
A. By expecting him to know what protection you need
Tell your husband how he can protect you.
B. By being financially independent
1. Love is killed by self-sufficiency
2. Whoever controls the money controls the leadership.
Center your work and your ministry in your home.
C. By giving greater loyalty to outside leadership
1. Pastor and church leaders
2. Men and women Bible teachers
3. Relatives and friends
Ask your husband your spiritual questions.
D. By resisting his decisions in your spirit
1. A wife’s spirit controls her husband’s ambitions
2. Reviewing past failure destroys a husband’s self-worth.
Learn to wisely appeal to your husband
E. By resisting his physical affection
1. This is the unspoken crushing of a man’s spirit.
2. A wife’s Godliness is a powerful guard against her husband’s abuse of … [cuts off]
As The Frisky points out, Michelle links all of her advice to the bible in some way. Michelle also advises that you should ask your husband to define your household responsibilities and you should always be GORGEOUS on the outside for him. Seriously, Michelle gets into the hair thing and quotes someone named I, Corinthians (who I'm guessing looks like this). Michelle writes that God gave women hair for covering and your hairstyle should show that you're feminine, submissive and soft.
You can call Michelle Duggar a backwards pilgrim bitch all you want, but she's on to something especially about the hair cape thing. If your hair looks like a majestic fall of golden strands cascading over your forehead, your husband will be so hypnotized by its beauty, as he takes your vagina with his leadership dick, that he won't even notice when your tortured uterus grabs onto his peen head to makes its escape. Then when he pulls out and your uterus runs for the front door, he'll still be too mesmerized by your hair to realize that your 300 kids are trying to catch your womb before it gets away. To quote I, Camila Alves: Hair IS important!
So the speculation is true. Despite a denial an few hours ago that all was sunshine and rainbows and nobody was getting served walking papers, TMZ now says that
cromagnon Russell Brand filed for divorce from Crayola titties Katy Perry today in LA, citing "irreconcilable differences". Well they're both pretty irreconcialably um, "different" so this is not much of a shock.
I hate to go on a right to gay marriage rant (no I don't) but they were married in October of last year. Sinead and her hubby called it quits after just a couple of weeks. The divine Liz Taylor was married eight times. So what the fuck is this "sanctity" people scream about? People promise to stay together until death, but then won't even honor the promise by hiring a hit-man. Lazy. Seriously, shit like this right here makes me wonder why the gays aren't allowed to break contracts left and right like us straights.
That's why I just live in sin, sleeping with anyone with a six pack and a couple of joints. It's so much easier to just sneak out a window half dressed in the middle of the night than show up in court and divide my shit up. And yes, I do feel the burning shame of giving Russell and Katy so much time in the precious Dlisted spotlight. Or is that the burn in my no-no region from my last drunk hook-up? Whatever, it hurts.
Sometimes the headline is all you need to heave out a proper WTF and this is one of those times. Just remember that if you're ever in the back of a police car with your brother after getting caught with drugs in your car and he begs you to felch the evidence out of his asshole, just say capital N-O (or at least snowball some the evidence into your brother's mouth, DAMN!) This shit has scared me into screaming out "FUCK NO!" anytime I think my sister is about to throw a question at me. Better to be safe than...well you know...
via KOAT (Thanks, Elizabeth)