Elin Don't Play
Major Cindy Williams (Schlemiel, Schlemazel!!!) of the Florida Highway Patrol glided up to the podium today to announce that Tiger Woods will not face any criminal charges for killing a fire hydrant and running into a tree. However, Tiger will get a $164 ticket for careless driving. Major Cindy also said that there were no claims of Elin Nordegren whooping a trick and they will not seek a warrant to look into Tiger's medical records. The case is now closed!
I'm sure none of you read any of that, because you were too busy staring into Major Cindy's luminous eyes. I too am mesmerized by her. I just want to climb over the podium and find a way to sit my nalgas on her hat. That hat was made to hug butt cheeks. It's calling my ass cheeks' names (Used & Abused).
And if you some of you still aren't sure what happened that fateful November night, then let the Chinese explain it to Sims-style. You will understand why Elin went crazy that night. You might want to slap a bitch too if you constantly had a bubble of that whore Rachel Uchitel (holding a vacuum cleaner) following you.
When it rains whores, it pours whores. Rachel Uchitel can kindly step out of the spotlight now, because there's a new trick on the scene. A 24-year-old Los Angeles cocktail waitress (aren't they all?) has run off to UsWeekly to queef to them about her 31-month long affair with Tiger Woods.
Before you laugh at her, you should know that she was a part of Vh1's Tool Academy (her boyfriend was the one who looked like Blake Lewis on growth hormones). She is educated! Educated people do not tell lies!
The aptly named Jaimee Grubbs swears that she has over 300 sexy texts, voicemails and pictures from Tiger which proves that they did it on the down low. Jaimee says they started boning in April 2007 and they did it exactly 20 times. See, Jaimee really is educated, because she can count.
If this is true, then Tiger gets an F minus in cheating. You never leave a paper trail! You just get in, get off and go to confession to say sorry to Jesus. There's no texting in cheating!
And somewhere in Florida, Elin Nordegren is polishing her favorite club to get it ready for round two. Tiger better sleep in full body armor tonight.
Cops from the Florida Highway Patrol knocked on Tiger Woods' door several times this weekend to interview him about murdering a fire hydrant and other things. Tiger's lawyer shut the door in the faces of the officers like they were Jehovah's Witnesses.
Apparently, Tiger is keeping his lips sealed. But Tiger did manage to release this statement on his website. Just picture Elin Nordegren standing over his ass with a golf club in her hand and a "BITCH DON'T" look in her eye while he wrote this. It'll make more sense that way.
As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I'm pretty sore.
This situation is my fault, and it's obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I'm human and I'm not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn't happen again.
This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.
The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.
This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be.
The statement still wasn't enough for the FHP to drop the subject. TMZ says they are working on getting a search warrant, so that they can peek into Tiger's medical files to see if the scratches on his face came from the accident or Elin's CLAW OF REVENGE. If they find out that his injuries came from the hand of Elin, she could be arrested for domestic abuse.
Meanwhile, Tiger's rumored mistress whore Rachel Uchitel immediately rushed to Los Angeles this weekend to meet with lawyer to the famewhores Gloria Allred. Rachel has already publicly denied the affair, but that isn't stopping her from milking this cow until it is completely dry. And even then, she will continue to pull on its utters until its organs fall out. Or until she gets her own reality show. Either or.
When Kobe Bryant was accused of touching parts not belonging to Vanessa Bryant, he immediately apologized to his wife by making her finger sparkle like she just gave RPattz a prostate exam. It's the only type of apology a true gold digger will accept. So it's no surprise that Tiger Woods knows he needs to go diamond mining if he wants his wife Elin Nordegren to forgive his possibly cheating ass.
TMZ says that during a phone conversation with some friend, Tiger said that his wife had "gone ghetto" on him and that he had "to run to Zales to get a 'Kobe Special.'"
My cholita cousin agrees. When her man proposed to her with a garnet (GARNET!!!) ring he bought at Walmart, her response was, "Uh. Why didn't he go to Zales?" Exactly.
TMZ has an entirely different story on how Tiger Woods' face ended up looking like a cat tried to dry hump it. This whole story is really close to getting an "Escandalo" tag.
According to a source, Tiger and his wife Elin Nordegren had a fight about the rumor that he's cheating on her ass with that Rachel Uchitel trick. The argument got violent when Elin attacked Tiger's face, scratching it up. Bitch showed him who the real tiger in the family is.
That was Tiger's cue to exit stage left, so he hopped in his Escalade to escape the madness. But Elin wasn't going to let Tiger get away that easy, so she chased him with a golf club and smashed his back windows. Tiger, who is taking painkillers for an injury, got distracted in all the chaos and crashed into the fire hydrant. The two made up the story that his SUV's windows were busted out, because Elin broke them with the golf club to save Tiger.
TMZ also spoke to Rachel Uchitel who denied that she's letting the Tiger into her bag. Rachel says that she met him once, but they never fucked around. Rachel added that the National Enquirer's sources were paid $25,000 each for the fake story.
Um. Of course Rachel is going to pull the denial card out of her snatch. Does she really want to face the wrath of Elin Nordegren? If Elin took a golf club to Tiger, I can imagine what she would do to Rachel. Elin will run that whore over with a golf cart. Seriously, Elin is not going to let some gutter tramp ho eff with her money like that! Rachel better stay away from all golf courses and Ikeas from now on.