Tiger Woods

Gloria Allgreen (you know, because she loves money) has the closed the curtain on the planned press conference Tiger Woods' #1 mistress was supposed to give this afternoon. Rachel Uchitel was going to tell all, but she has suddenly changed her mine. Radar says that the reason why Rachel canceled the press conference is because she's trying to get Tiger to stuff a $1 million check into her mouth hole. Cash got her tongue.

A source says that Rachel has been negotiating a $1 million payoff with Tiger's people. Rachel would have queefed that money goodbye if she went through with the press conference. Speaking of payoffs....

The Daily Beast says that Tiger is not only trying to put a little hush money under Rachel's pillow, but he's also waving cash in front of his wife's eyes to get her to stay. According to them, Elin's current prenup states that she will get $20 million after 10 years of marriage. But since Tiger's dick has jumped into someone else's vagina, Elin wants the prenup to be rewritten.

The source claims that Tiger is willing to add $55 million to the prenup. Also, if Elin agrees to stay, Tiger will immediately transfer $5 million into her personal account. So if Elin signs a nondisclosure and plays the perfect wife and mother for the next 7 years, she will be able to skip away from the marriage with $80 million in her pocket.

Tiger's advisers have told him to do whatever it takes to save his marriage so that his sponsors won't dump him too.

The gold diggers of the world have just proclaimed Elin as their new GODDESS! Get on your knees and worship her!

You know, for Tiger's sake, I hope he had some "eyelash singing" orgasms with his mistress whores, because that shit could cost him $81 million.

Rachel Uchitel, the first mistress whore in the Ballad of Tiger Woods' Wandering Penis, will hold a press conference today with famewhore lawyer Gloria Allred. Rachel will most likely come clean about having an affair with Tiger. TMZ says that Rachel initially lied about fucking with Tiger on the down low, because she wanted to protect him. When the National Enquirer first broke the story, Rachel put on her black bob wig and became the Queen of Denial. But now Rachel is ready to admit that she's been carrying on with Tiger for some time now.

Hopefully, NeNe Leakes from The Real Broke Housewives of Atlanta will be on hand to tell Rachel to "close her legs to married men, trash box." When you hear those words from NeNe, that means you're officially a member of The Homewreckers Club and President Sienna Miller will be sending you a welcome package (containing a pre-paid cell phone, a list of all motels that charge by the hour and a voice changer) in the mail very soon. And THERE'S MORE!

TMZ also says that a text message from Rachel is what started the fight between Tiger and his wife Elin Nordegren. A source told them that about an hour before Tiger savagely murdered a sad fire hydrant, he was text messaging with Rachel. Elin caught him in the act, grabbed his phone and called Rachel to verbally beat her ass with a 5 iron. This led to Tiger and Elin getting into it. After all was said and done, Tiger's phone was broken and there was damage to his entryway. This is why Tiger didn't let the officers into his house for questioning. Tiger didn't want them to see that Elin pulled a Naomi Campbell by busting walls and lamps with a Blackberry. Elin is not the one. Really. She isn't.

Tiger really needs more people, because who the hell texts with their mistress whore while their wife is in the next room?! That's what a trip to the store "to get milk" is for. Tiger must as well have beat himself with the golf club, because bitch had it coming.

And this press conference is going to be a wreck! Rachel thinks she's the next Jessica Hahn. BITCH DON'T! Jessica Hahn was classy enough to tell her side of the story to PLAYBOY. That's how real hos do it.

Just when I was hitting "publish" on my 10,678,978th Tiger Woods post of the week, he released a loooooonger than long statement on his website. The statement is so damn long that when you finish reading it, you'll feel like Elin just busted you in the skull with an iron. Get an ice pack ready and read if you care:

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone.

Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect.

But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don’t share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one’s own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions.

Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult.

I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology. Blah...blah...blah...blah...

What's with all the damn words?! If you're going to talk, just be blunt. Tiger should've just issued a simple statement like: "I fucked some hos on the side. So if you see Elin smelling my crotch when I come home, you now know why. Now get off my dick (except for the cocktail waitresses out there) and leave me alone."

End scene.

As promised, UsWeekly has released a voice message Tiger Woods left for his alleged mistress whore Jaimee Grubbs (or G. Rubbs if you're nasty). You should get on the floor and stretch, because you will be getting down to the dance remix of this in the near future.

In the voicemail, Tiger tells Jaimee, "Hey, it's Tiger. I need you to do me a huge favor. Can you please take your name off your phone? My wife went through my phone and may be calling you. So if you can, please take your name off that. Just have it as a number on the voicemail. You got to do this for me. Huge. Quickly. Bye."

Does Tiger think Elin Nordegren has loganberries for brains? First of all, Jaimee's telephone number is 1-900-SKANK-HO, so Elin knew Tiger must be doing ho shit with her. Second of all, changing the voicemail isn't going to throw Elin off. Tiger should have told Jaimee to answer her phone with, "Good morning, this is Zales. How may I help you?" Come on, Tiger!

And like I said before, when it rains whores, it pours whores. Life & Style is adding another name to Tiger's Harem of Whores. Meet Kalika Moquin, a marketing manager for The Bank nightclub in Las Vegas. Some source tells Life & Style, “They’ve hooked up a bunch of times. Tiger told Kalika that married life isn’t all it’s built up to be. He said he wasn’t happy in his marriage or his home life and that there was just so much pressure on him.”

To save ourselves some time in the future, let's just assume that Tiger has had an affair with every cocktail waitress/nightclub marketing manager/reality skank from here to Laughlin.

Major Cindy Williams (Schlemiel, Schlemazel!!!) of the Florida Highway Patrol glided up to the podium today to announce that Tiger Woods will not face any criminal charges for killing a fire hydrant and running into a tree. However, Tiger will get a $164 ticket for careless driving. Major Cindy also said that there were no claims of Elin Nordegren whooping a trick and they will not seek a warrant to look into Tiger's medical records. The case is now closed!

I'm sure none of you read any of that, because you were too busy staring into Major Cindy's luminous eyes. I too am mesmerized by her. I just want to climb over the podium and find a way to sit my nalgas on her hat. That hat was made to hug butt cheeks. It's calling my ass cheeks' names (Used & Abused).

And if you some of you still aren't sure what happened that fateful November night, then let the Chinese explain it to Sims-style. You will understand why Elin went crazy that night. You might want to slap a bitch too if you constantly had a bubble of that whore Rachel Uchitel (holding a vacuum cleaner) following you.

When it rains whores, it pours whores. Rachel Uchitel can kindly step out of the spotlight now, because there's a new trick on the scene. A 24-year-old Los Angeles cocktail waitress (aren't they all?) has run off to UsWeekly to queef to them about her 31-month long affair with Tiger Woods.

Before you laugh at her, you should know that she was a part of Vh1's Tool Academy (her boyfriend was the one who looked like Blake Lewis on growth hormones). She is educated! Educated people do not tell lies!

The aptly named Jaimee Grubbs swears that she has over 300 sexy texts, voicemails and pictures from Tiger which proves that they did it on the down low. Jaimee says they started boning in April 2007 and they did it exactly 20 times. See, Jaimee really is educated, because she can count.

If this is true, then Tiger gets an F minus in cheating. You never leave a paper trail! You just get in, get off and go to confession to say sorry to Jesus. There's no texting in cheating!

And somewhere in Florida, Elin Nordegren is polishing her favorite club to get it ready for round two. Tiger better sleep in full body armor tonight.

Cops from the Florida Highway Patrol knocked on Tiger Woods' door several times this weekend to interview him about murdering a fire hydrant and other things. Tiger's lawyer shut the door in the faces of the officers like they were Jehovah's Witnesses.

Apparently, Tiger is keeping his lips sealed. But Tiger did manage to release this statement on his website. Just picture Elin Nordegren standing over his ass with a golf club in her hand and a "BITCH DON'T" look in her eye while he wrote this. It'll make more sense that way.

As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I'm pretty sore.

This situation is my fault, and it's obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I'm human and I'm not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn't happen again.

This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.

This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be.

The statement still wasn't enough for the FHP to drop the subject. TMZ says they are working on getting a search warrant, so that they can peek into Tiger's medical files to see if the scratches on his face came from the accident or Elin's CLAW OF REVENGE. If they find out that his injuries came from the hand of Elin, she could be arrested for domestic abuse.

Meanwhile, Tiger's rumored mistress whore Rachel Uchitel immediately rushed to Los Angeles this weekend to meet with lawyer to the famewhores Gloria Allred. Rachel has already publicly denied the affair, but that isn't stopping her from milking this cow until it is completely dry. And even then, she will continue to pull on its utters until its organs fall out. Or until she gets her own reality show. Either or.

When Kobe Bryant was accused of touching parts not belonging to Vanessa Bryant, he immediately apologized to his wife by making her finger sparkle like she just gave RPattz a prostate exam. It's the only type of apology a true gold digger will accept. So it's no surprise that Tiger Woods knows he needs to go diamond mining if he wants his wife Elin Nordegren to forgive his possibly cheating ass.

TMZ says that during a phone conversation with some friend, Tiger said that his wife had "gone ghetto" on him and that he had "to run to Zales to get a 'Kobe Special.'"

Yes, a kiss begins with Kay. And Tiger DIDN'T GO TO JARED. But everyone knows that Zales is the finest jooree store in the mall, so Tiger made a wise choice. Only the best for Elin.

My cholita cousin agrees. When her man proposed to her with a garnet (GARNET!!!) ring he bought at Walmart, her response was, "Uh. Why didn't he go to Zales?" Exactly.

TMZ has an entirely different story on how Tiger Woods' face ended up looking like a cat tried to dry hump it. This whole story is really close to getting an "Escandalo" tag.

According to a source, Tiger and his wife Elin Nordegren had a fight about the rumor that he's cheating on her ass with that Rachel Uchitel trick. The argument got violent when Elin attacked Tiger's face, scratching it up. Bitch showed him who the real tiger in the family is.

That was Tiger's cue to exit stage left, so he hopped in his Escalade to escape the madness. But Elin wasn't going to let Tiger get away that easy, so she chased him with a golf club and smashed his back windows. Tiger, who is taking painkillers for an injury, got distracted in all the chaos and crashed into the fire hydrant. The two made up the story that his SUV's windows were busted out, because Elin broke them with the golf club to save Tiger.

TMZ also spoke to Rachel Uchitel who denied that she's letting the Tiger into her bag. Rachel says that she met him once, but they never fucked around. Rachel added that the National Enquirer's sources were paid $25,000 each for the fake story.

Um. Of course Rachel is going to pull the denial card out of her snatch. Does she really want to face the wrath of Elin Nordegren? If Elin took a golf club to Tiger, I can imagine what she would do to Rachel. Elin will run that whore over with a golf cart. Seriously, Elin is not going to let some gutter tramp ho eff with her money like that! Rachel better stay away from all golf courses and Ikeas from now on.

After Tiger Woods crashed his Escalade into a fire hydrant outside of his house, his wife came running with a golf club to rescue his ass. The Police Chief told AP that Elin Nordegren used the golf club to smash out the SUV's back window to get Tiger out of there. When the ambulance arrived, Tiger was laying in the street with his wife over him.

TMZ also says that right before the accident, Tiger and Elin had a fight of words. Hmmm...I wonder if their argument had something to do with Tiger possibly doing down low sexy times with rising homewrecker to the stars Rachel Uchitel? That would explain why he was running out of there at 2:30 in the morning like the devil was trying to nibble on his ass lips.

You know, something in the milk ain't clean about this story. Maybe Elin was trying to beat the whore out of Tiger and chased him out of the house? Or maybe after Tiger crashed, Elin went out there to save his ass, because she needs him to bring in more cash before she drops divorce papers into his lap? Whatever the case may be, Elin does not play around and Tiger better watch his ass.