Tiger Woods

Carmen Sandiego got the holidays off, because everybody was too busy trying to track down Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren. Tiger was spotted everywhere from Miami to Africa to NYC to the middle of the ocean. If they wanted to find Tiger so badly, they should've just dropped a bag of Ambien along with a cocktail waitress on any random corner. Tiger's GPS system (aka his peen) would've led him to that corner in ten seconds flat.

Anyway, wherever Tiger was, Elin wasn't! Elin spent her holidays skiing in the French Alps with her twin sister Josefin and friends(pictures of her ass below).

According to the News of the World (via NYDN), Elin told her friends that she will soon be skiing on a mountain of cash, because she plans to collect almost $300 million from Tiger when she divorces him. When Elin's friends asked what Tiger got her for Christmas, Elin didn't say "genital warts" (which is probably what she really got), but she did say, "Three hundred million dollars, thank you very much."

The source went on to say, "She's 100% determined to split with Tiger. When she boasted of the '$300 million Christmas gift' and then laughed, it was clear to everyone around her that she's more focused than ever about moving on with her life."

YES! If this is true, then I'm glad to hear that Elin is finally pushing up her sleeves, grabbing the biggest shovel in the shed and dig dig digging for gold. Actually, she should throw the shovel at Tiger and force him to dig since he's the one that got them into this mess. Seriously, for every load Tiger dropped in one of his mistresses' vaginas, he should drop a giant load of cash into Elin's checking account.

A source close to Elin Nordegren tells ABC News that she is definitely going to shower Tiger Woods with divorce papers.

Elin, who hasn't been wearing her wedding ring lately, has been talking to a divorce lawyer in Los Angeles. The source added that Elin is waiting for the right time to file for divorce, "She's going to take her sweet time. She wants all the dirty laundry to be out on the table before she signs anything."

We're going to need a bigger table. We're also going to need a bigger file to hold all the documents detailing the every move of Tiger's peen. Every time another mistress whore comes forward, Tiger's checking account sheds another tear. Elin really doesn't play, and you know she's going to take an iron to his fortune. But in the meantime....

People says that Elin is shitting in Tiger's Christmas stocking by taking the kids to Sweden for the holidays. Elin was originally going to travel to Sweden in January, but those plans have been moved up. Some source said, “Two stewardesses and one pilot are in Sweden with the plane now getting it ready to come pick them up.”

I hope this doesn't mean that Elin won't pull an Angel Bassett in Waiting to Exhale by burning all of Tiger's shit on the front lawn. I've been patiently waiting for that scene to happen.

If Star Magazine wanted to put out the most ridiculous (slash hilarious) cover of the week, they should've just featured the story about Jessica Simpson dating Billy Corgan. But they really outdid themselves with this amazing work of art that belongs in a museum of laughs.

Papa Joe is probably twisting his floppy peen as punishment for not coming up with this amazing idea during one of his intense bowel movements/brainstorming sessions.

According to a source, Jessica and Tiger Woods flirted with each other at some golf tournament back in July. Since Jessica is a blonde with titties and a steady pulse, Tiger immediately pounced on her ass. The source explained, "Tiger liked what he saw and let her know it. Jessica said that she felt like Tony wasn’t paying attention to her, so she was like, ‘What the heck!’ She decided to have fun with Tiger whether it bothered Tony or not.”

It didn't really go anywhere after Tiger asked Jessica for an Ambien and she handed him an Altoid. But seriously, it's a good thing Jessica never hooked up with Tiger, because bitch does not need to partake in sleep aid sex. I mean, she's already in a permanent Ambien haze....

The "unidentified woman" who was rushed to the hospital from Tiger Woods' house has now been identified as Elin Nordegren's mother, Barbro Holmberg. Congratulations to those of you who guessed Barbro correctly in your office pool. You sucio fucks!

TMZ says that an ambulance was called for Barbro after she complained about having stomach pains. Contrary to earlier reports, Barbro has not been released from the hospital just yet. She is still there and listed in stable condition.

Most of us are have the dry heaves from consuming massive amounts of tiger shit on an hourly basis, so I can only imagine what Barbro's stomach must be going through. And Barbro needs to close her ears to Tiger, because he's probably going to recommend that she take an Ambien.

Earlier this morning, an unidentified woman, who is blonde and in her 50s, was rushed to the hospital by ambulance from Tiger Woods' home in Orlando. The NY Post reports that when the paramedics arrived, the unidentified woman refused medical attention. Eventually, she was rushed to the hospital on "advanced life support."

After the woman arrived at the hospital, a younger blonde woman who fits Elin Nordegren's description showed up in an Escalade. Forty five minutes later, Tiger Woods showed up at the hospital.

The woman has since been released from the hospital.

Elin's mother is currently in town from Sweden, so some are guessing that she's the unidentified patient. But maybe one of Tiger's cougars showed up in the middle of the night, and Elin greeted her by hugging her head with a 9-iron. Anything is possible in this never-ending soap opera. Cue dramatic music.

UPDATE: The woman was never placed on life support. A life support unit happened to answer the call first, hence the confusion.

I KNOW! More Tiger Woods shit. You've got tigers jumping out of your asshole, tigers falling out of your ears and tigers crawling out of your mouth. Even Tony the Tiger is about to change his name to Tony the Striped Puss to distance himself from this shit! I know that, so I chose this picture of Tiger and Elin with an adorable dog friend to help ease your frustrations. And to also prove that Tiger really does have a way with the bitches. Anyway....

Radar is screaming that Elin Nordegren has packed up all her stuff and moved out of their house. A source said that Elin is staying at a house nearby. The source also said that Tiger is doing whatever he can to get her back home.

This source needs to fuck me gently with an Ambien pill, because I highly doubt Tiger is trying to get Elin to come back. We all know what he's really doing....

MISTRESS WHORE POOL PARTY/MEET AND GREET!

Seriously, Tiger is currently chest deep in mistresses past and present. The Ambien is flowin'!

You know what this Tiger Woods Three (Hundred) Whore Circus has been missing? NEKKIDNESS! Specifically, nekkidness in peen form. Well, Life & Style says that Playgirl is on the case! Yes, the same Playgirl who never ponied up Levi Johnston's Alaskan meat. So don't hold your genitals.

Playgirl's spokeswhore Daniel Nardicio says that they have pictures of Tiger's peen in their warm crotches. Apparently, the pics came from one of Tiger's many mistresses. Playgirl said they are trying to find out if the pictures are of Tiger or just some random wang. Daniel said, "We're currently trying to authenticate the photos before we make any decisions on purchasing the Tiger Woods pics and ascertaining the value."

Unless Tiger's face or body is in the pictures, how are they going to prove that shit? This is a job for Gay Al Reynolds! Gay Al's peendar is the best in the business (sorry, Tommy Girl). Gay Al's double glazed donut hole can correctly match up a dude's clothed crotch with a picture of his naked dick. Every time!

And if you're impatient like me and don't want to wait to see tiger dick, CLICK HERE!

The vaginas just keep falling out of Tiger Woods' chonies. So far, the count is at 9. I failed algebra twice, so if it gets into the double digits, I'm out of this game.

We already know about Rachel Uchitel, Jaimee Grubbs, Jamie Jungers and Kalika Moquin. Over the weekend, five more hos claimed they too were part of Tiger Wood's graduating class of whores. Let's meet them, shall we?

Mistress #5: Some 25-year-old cocktail waitress from Orlando, FL. Mistress #5 says that she got it on with Tiger from 2004 to 2006. They met while she was serving cocktails at Roxy Nightclub in Orlando. Mistress #5 hasn't sold her story yet, but she does have a lawyer. She also told TMZ that Tiger told her his marriage to Elin was faker than Beyonce's hairline.

Mistress #6: Holly Sampson, a porn star who was in an episode of The Wonder Years once. Holly is an old-school whore, because she refuses to suck and tell. However, The Sun claims that Holly and Tiger went international with their affair by fucking all over the world.

Mistress #7: Cori Rist, a 31-year-old Hooters waitress. Cori's friends told her tale to the NYDN. They say Cori met Tiger at Butter and their affair lasted six months. Just like the other whores, Tiger regularly put Cori up in the same hotel as him.

This is my favorite quote from the NYDN article: "He would get the presidential suite. It was the ultimate in luxury." That Tiger really knows how to pamper his pussy!

Mistress #8: Some British presenter.

Mistress #9: 34-year-old Mindy Lawton, a former waitress at Perkins! Mindy is definitely my favorite mistress whore from Tiger's harem! FINALLY, Tiger is showing that he has good taste in hos. I mean, just look at her picture to see what I'm talking about:

The weather outside is frightful, but Mindy is so fucking delightful! Not only did Mindy meet Tiger while she was a waitress at Perkins (THE ELEGANCE!), but she also used to fuck on him in the parking lot. That is how it's done! Tell all the other skanks to retire to the Bunny Ranch, because we have finally found a glamorous successor to Jessica Hahn!

Somebody get Mindy a record contract and a spread in Penthouse. She's going to be a star!

WE'RE ALL STANDING! So, TMZ is saying that a fourth ho is about to step onto the stage and claim that she had a 2-year-long affair with Tiger Woods, which started in 2004 (the year he got married to Elin) when she was 20. The alleged mistress whore is from Orlando, FL and met Tiger while she was working as a cocktail waitress. She has already hired a lawyer. AND....

Radar reports that three other trollops are waiting in the wings to declare that they also rubbed their bits all over Tiger at one point in their lives. Two of them are looking to sell their stories to the highest bidder. The other one, Las Vegas model Jamie Jungers (that's Juggers if you're Tiger), will tell her tale in a British tabloid today.

This brings the Tiger Woods mistress whore tally to 7...and counting. At this point, they should just start a union.

Tiger should just team up with IRS and send out a $100,000 credit to anyone who checks the box labeled, "I was one of Tiger Woods' mistress whores," on their tax forms. Maybe that will stop some whores from running off to tell their story to anyone who will cut them a cashiers check.

And this just confirms that all of us have wasted our lives. Right after high school, we should've moved to Vegas and become cocktail waitresses. There's a 99.9% chance that either Tiger Woods or George Clooney would've put us on payroll.

UPDATE: Make that 8 mistress whores. The Sun claims that Tiger took his illegal fuckery overseas and banged a British presenter a few years ago. Let Tiger's parade of pussy commence!

(Image via Reuters)

So, Radar is saying that Rachel Uchitel told friends that Tiger Woods was hooked on having "Ambien Sex" with her. Apparently, Rachel said, "You know you have crazier sex on Ambien - you get into that Ambien haze. We have crazy Ambien sex."

I feel like an innocent virgin again, because I have never heard of this shit before. My parts have been fucking with wrong bitches, I guess.

After doing some research (aka a ten second Google search and an IM conversation with one of my sluttier friends), I learned that when you're fucking in an Ambien haze, you will do some kinky shit that you wouldn't normally do when sober. When you wake up the next morning with a severed monkey paw in your anus and a butt plug in your mouth, you won't remember what you did the night before. Cut to Gerard Butler saying, "Welcome to my world."

The last time I took Ambien, the sexiest thing I did was hug my pillow really tight and slobber all over it. I need to ask my doctor for "that kind" of Ambien (wink wink).