Tiger Woods

In case you missed it (and still give a dick), here's the 5-minute secret interview the hardest whoring pimp in the golf game gave to ESPN. This is Tiger's first interview since he brutally murdered that fire hydrant in cold water. Tiger allowed ESPN's Tom Rinaldi to ask him whatever he wanted as long as it was under 5-minutes. Yup, all the orgasms you can bust in 5-minutes!

Tiger didn't bring anything new to the party. He basically said that he did some pretty bad things (Yeah, we've seen all those bad things on The Insider by now) and that he married Elin because he "loved" her. When Tom asked Tiger if he got down with more than one jump-off, he simply said, "Just one is enough." I expected Mama Woods to shout from off camera, "Just as we rehearsed in the basement, Tiger! SING OUT! SING OUT!"

But seriously, Tom Rinaldi needs more people. Tom easily could've made that 5-minutes streeeeetch all the way into tomorrow afternoon. One word: AMBIEN. A few sips of Ambien tea, and Tiger would've answered any question Tom asked, made him a turkey club, choked him out, called him his whore and humped a stage freight. And when Tiger woke up from his Ambien haze, he wouldn't remember anything. If only Barbara Walters gave this interview. She would've come prepared with a bottle of the zzzzzz shit hidden in her cleavage.

Click here if you can't see the video above.

Bombshell McGee isn't the only trick releasing text messages from their married celebrity fuck buddy. Porn star Joslyn James, a member of Tiger Woods' harem, has devoted an entire website (via TMZ) to the sext messages he sent her during their affair. Since The Insider has already maxed out their budget for Tiger's whores, this is what Joslyn needs to do in order to keep the silicone in her implants fresh.

Most of the text messages are secret agent instructions for Joslyn. Tiger tells her what hallways to use to get to his hotel room, and when to leave, etc... It's all covert and shit. It's like the porn version of Alias. Anias.

In dirtier messages, Tiger calls Joslyn his whore and tells her that he wants to choke her out, slap her ass, bite her body and pull her hair. You know, basically the same kind of text messages your boss writes you when you're running late to work.

If you need a side of freak with your lunch, the nastier text messages are after the jump. Who knew Tiger was a turkey sandwich kind of dude? I figured he was strictly roast beef. JUMP!

Tiger Woods' wife Elin was not present at his apology sermon (read that as "apology semen") this morning, but his mother was and thank the Ambien gods for that. Tiger's mom was the most entertaining part of that bore fest.

Whenever they would cut to a shot of her, I imagined her internal monologue going a little something like this: "There goes my timeshare in Bermuda. There's goes my new Lexus every year. There goes my charge account at Chico's. Hell, there goes my weekly shopping trip to Chico's with Debbie Phelps. I wonder if Mimi's Cafe is still serving breakfast?"

You can click here to see Tiger's apology if you care, but all he did was read off a paper and look at the camera when he was supposed to. At one point, I thought the camera was going to zoom into his face to catch a single tear trickling down his cheek right before he recited the lyrics to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" while his mother performed an interpretive dance behind him. That should've happened.

Oh, and you know what SHOULDN'T have happened? The press conference one of Tiger's mistresses Peter Pan gave with Gloria Allred during his apology:

Gloria proved that she has the gag-reflex of her porn-star client when she didn't choke on the irony of this statement that came out of her mouth: "Today, this was not an apology. It was a staged public relations stunt."

The Tiger Woods apology dance is going to start any second, and you can watch that mess above. I hope he throws the prepared speech away and instead brings Elin and Rachel Uchitel up to the podium to reenact scenes from Fatal Attraction and Obsessed. I need to hear Elin say, "I'll show you crazy!"

Recovering sex addict (do you hear my eyes rolling?) Tiger Woods will give the performance of his life this Friday afternoon when he says he's sowwy for sticking his peen in every cocktail waitress with an unlimited text message plan. This is from Tiger's site:

Tiger Woods will be speaking to a small group of friends, colleagues and close associates at 11:00 a.m. EST on Friday at the TPC Sawgrass Clubhouse in Ponte Vedra Beach, Fla. Tiger plans to discuss his past and his future, and he plans to apologize for his behavior.

While Tiger feels that what happened is fundamentally a matter between him and his wife, he also recognizes that he has hurt and let down a lot of other people who were close to him. He also let down his fans. He wants to begin the process of making amends, and that's what he's going to discuss.

His remarks will be open to a press pool for live coverage. It is NOT a news conference.

Tiger's affairs are between him and his wife's golf club, but he does owe all of us an apology. He needs to apologize for introducing the world to Rachel Uchitel, Jaimee Grubbs, Jamie Jungers, Cori Rist, Holly Sampson, Joslyn James, etc...etc...

And I have a feeling Tiger's apology serenade is going to be full of the bores. Tiger should spice things up a bit by taking an Ambien before the press conference so we can see what all the fuss is about.

Business has been slow for the gold digging cocktail waitresses out there, but it might start to pick up now that Tiger Woods' cage door is about be opened. So put Gloria Allred on your speed dial and practice shooting an Ambien pill out of your twat!

A source tells Radar that Tiger's wife Elin Nordegren is in Hattiesburg, Mississippi to collect his ass from sex rehab where he's been for the past few weeks. Elin must have met with her financial advisers and decided that the best decision for her wallet is to stay with Tiger, because she has canceled plans for a divorce. Instead Elin and Tiger are going to go away for a while to work on their marriage.

Le source explained, “Tiger and Elin want to be alone out of public when he leaves the clinic. He should be out by the weekend. They are giving their marriage another try."

So not only will cocktail waitresses everywhere be popping the Andre this afternoon, but so will Orlando night clubs, the pharmaceutical companies, and the cell phone industry. However, fire hydrants won't be smiling this weekend.

And today's Tiger Woods headline that pays is brought to you by UsWeekly:

HO STOP! Balls on your face is ok, but your face on balls is not? If it wasn't for a pair of golf balls slapping your chin, you wouldn't be on UsWeekly or anywhere else. And don't even get me started about the balls attacking your chest. Don't dis balls!

If you're a parent whose child needs to come up with an act for their school talent show, you don't need to look any further! THIS IS THEIR ACT! Two sources close to Elin Nordegren tell the Daily Beast what really happened the night Tiger Woods murdered a fire hydrant.

Since we already have a kiddy version of Jersey Shore, we're also going to need a dramatization of this performed by a bunch of 5-year-olds.

Read the details below and tell the kindergartners that rehearsal starts at NOON:

A few days before Tiger's SUV accident, The National Enquirer told his people that they were about to break the Rachel Uchitel story. Tiger immediately ran off to Elin to warn her about the story. Tiger dropped a waterfall of denials on Elin's head. Tiger told Elin that he only met Rachel twice, and never did sex with her. Elin didn't completely buy Tiger's denials.

The day before the fire hydrant died, Elin continued to tell Tiger that she didn't believe him. So Tiger orchestrated a phone call between his wife and Rachel. The two talked for 30-minutes, and Rachel played along by co-signing Tiger's denials. After that conversation, Elin believed that Tiger did not fuck that woman.

However on Thanksgiving, Elin read specific details in the Enquirer's story. Elin brought it up with Tiger and the two began to argue. After the argument, Tiger ran into the loving arms of his #1 girlfriend AMBIEN. Tiger gave oral to an Ambien and went to bed. While Tiger was having a white woman orgy in dreamland, Elin searched through his phone. She found a text from Rachel that said: "You are the one I've always loved." Elin wrote Rachel back pretending to be Tiger. Elin wrote shit like, "I miss you" and "When will we see each other again." At that point, Elin called Rachel and said, "I knew it was you." Rachel's response was, "Oh fuck." Bitch got CAUGHT.

Elin then woke Tiger up to scream at his ass. Tiger was still in an Ambien haze. During all the chaos, Tiger managed to text Rachel telling her that the jig was up and they were going to get a divorce. When Elin saw that he was texting Rachel again, she started punching at him. This was Tiger's cue to run out of the house. Elin chased him with a golf club and you know what happened next....

CURTAIN DOWN. APPLAUSE! Your child might not win first place in the talent show for The Ballad of the Fire Hydrant, but they will definitely earn a handful of side-eyes from the other parents. And that's worth so much more! Just use a pool noodle for the golf club, and a Tic-Tac for the Ambien pill.

And in more Tiger news, Elin apparently visited him in sex rehab. Your child can act that out in the sequel.

*Image removed per request, but you can see it on every other site on the Internets!*

The National Enquirer is saying that this is Tiger Woods holding a cup full of regret (with a dash of Ambien) outside of a rehab facility in Hattiesburg, Mississippi. The Enquirer has been saying for a while now that Tiger's peen is speaking to a therapist at Pine Grove about his constant hunger for white vag. Their sources say that Tiger is undergoing a six-week program for sexual addiction. The program was created by a Dr. Patrick Carnes.

Hos out there looking to beat the recession should immediately go to Hattiestburg and get a job as a waitress at the Keg & Barrel. It'll only be a matter of time before Tiger strolls in, winks at your ass and gives you a story you can sell to The Insider. Make sure to dedicate your Penthouse spread to me!

An eyewitness says she's sure it's Tiger in the pictures, because he jumped in the bushes and cowered in fear when she said Elin's name.

My glitter hole can exhale now, because ever since I first posted this picture of the world's sexiest gay white tiger (aka Before They Were Stars: Lady CaCa) I've been waiting for the right moment to open his cage door again so he pose, pounce and prance for those who didn't get a taste of his sweetness the first time around. Well, the time is here thanks to this Tiger Woods story from Radar. Put a quarter in gay white tiger's cup and read on....

I've been saying to myself that this whole Tiger Woods debacle really needs more dick if it wants to be inducted into the Scandal Hall of Fame. Well, one of Tiger's mistress whores is trying to make that happen. According to Loredana Jolie Ferriolo, Tiger not only likes to putt poon with his tongue, but he also likes to putt peen with his tongue. And if you want all the popper-scented details, you will have to stick a roll of a million $1 bills into Loredana's cleavage. That's how much Loredana wants for her story.

A source claims that Loredana is working on a tell-all book, which will describe Tiger's his "healthy appetite for arranged sex, threesomes, girls next door (MK note: MARY, how could you?!!!), girl-girl, and an answer to all the rumors surrounding Woods' sexuality."

Loredana's rep says she is in talks with several publishing companies regarding her tell-all.

There's a good chance that this Loredana trick is just sprinkling foil bits on our head and calling it glitter. The bitch's name is Loredana Jolie Ferriolo. Don't trust anyone who sounds like a third-rate villainess in a Jackie Collins novel. That being said, I will stay in my seat and patiently await the appearance of Tiger Woods' first gigowhore.

.....And I mean "hit it" without a golf club. Personally, I'll leave hittin' Tiger Woods to the professionals. Instead I'd like to pop an Ambien in his mouth, sit on his stomach and braid those two luscious manes of hair on his nipples. When he wakes up the next morning, he won't remember what happened and wonder why his chest looks like Nipple Longstocking. That sounds like more fun.

And at least Annie Leibovitz can pay off some of her creditors so they won't give her a coronary when they jump out of her bushes as she comes home.

via E! Online