Tiger Woods

$100 million is reportedly the magic number Tiger Woods will write IN BLOOD on a personal check and hand over to his soon-to-be ex-wife Elin Nordegren as part of their divorce settlement. This is 650 miles away from the $750 million figure people were throwing around recently, but it's still enough cash for Elin to heal her wounds (and possibly any crotch warts Tiger gave her) with. Hopefully, Elin also gets the golf club she used to whoop his SUV so she can hang it in a shadow box over one of her toilets.

Some inside source swears on a pile of Ambiens to TMZ that $100 million is the correct amount and it's much more than she would've collected under the original prenup. They also say that Tiger's net worth is around $500 to $600 million.

Apparently, as part of the deal Elin agreed to not write a tell-all about Tiger's mistress whore ways. This is the saddest news, because I was really hoping that Elin's tell-all would be turned into a Lifetime movie starring Shauna Sand as Elin, Todd Bridges as Tiger, George Takei in drag as Tiger's mom and Trace Cyrus as Rachel Uchitel (Hey, it's my fantasy TV movie).

This really makes me want to call my mom and yell at her for not raising me to be a blonde Swedish nanny with ovaries. That could've been me!

Okay, not really.... But last month, gold diggers all over the world gathered together and formed a circle around a Elin Nordegren statue (made out of recycled fire extinguishers, old Ambien bottles and golf clubs) after reading that she was about to receive one of the biggest divorce settlements in the history of forever.

The rumor was that Elin will soon collect almost $750 million from Tiger. The rumor was barfed up again earlier this week. However, TMZ is grabbing every aspiring gold digger's boner and trying to break it by saying Elin isn't getting $750 million.

Their sources say that Tiger Woods' entire fortune isn't even worth $750 million, so it doesn't make sense that Elin would get that much. They wouldn't spit up the exact amount, but they did say that she's getting a lot more than she would have under the prenup. Tiger and Elin are expected to file for divorce any day now.

Tiger is a selfish bastard. He should give everything to Elin, because she's earned it (not really, but gold diggers ride together 4 life). All he needs is a bed to lay his hos on (or a newspaper in an alley way in most cases) and a blank prescription pad!

During this whole Tiger Woods whore party, Maury Povich has been sitting by himself in the corner patiently awaiting for the moment he gets to jump up and join the fun and fuckery. Well, Maury's moment has finally come, (maybe) because a member of Tiger Woods' whorem claims that she popped out his secret love cub 9 years ago. In a new documentary set to air in the UK, porn star and pussy peddler Devon James claims that Tiger is the father of her 9-year-old son.

Devon and Tiger fucked on each other for about two years, and apparently he hardly ever wore a condom. A source tells Radar Devon got knocked up and gave birth to Baby Tiger in 2001 before Tiger married Elin. Tiger Woods didn't know about his supposed son until 2006. Tiger has never taken a DNA test or given Devon any money, but she swears deep down in her checking account that he IS the father. Devon says that her baby looks just like Tiger.

If you took your eyeballs out, replaced them with Devon's and then looked at Tiger Woods, you'd see a giant sparkly gold dollar sign. If you looked at Devon's son, you'd see the same thing, so they really do look alike to her.

But seriously, bitch needs to stop. The only proof she has is that he sort of looks like Tiger? Did the kid ask for Ambien for his 9th birthday? Can he text message while running from a blonde woman with a golf club? If Devon can honestly answer "yes" to those two questions, then maybe Maury will need to step in.

Prepare yourself for the upcoming headline: "Elin Nordegren buys majority shares in Sanofi-Aventis, announces the discontinuation of Ambien - In possibly related news, Tiger Woods spontaneously combusts". That's because the Chicago Sun-Times (via NYDN) reports that Elin Nordegren wants three quarters of a billion dollars in a divorce settlement from Tiger Woods.

Apparently, their divorce war is getting messier than Tiger's hand after pulling out his mistress' dirty tampon and they are no longer talking to each other. Elin is demanding $750 million and she has thrown his lawyers a "BITCH NO" when they asked her to sign a lifetime "confidentiality clause" which would prevent her from spilling Tiger's secrets. Elin also wants full custody of the chirruns.

If Tiger Woods' checking account actually spits up $750 million into Elin's waiting arms, every aspiring gold digger will add her picture to their wall of inspiration and pray to her every day!

While some people are trying to make complete meals out of hickory chips and relish packets from Wienerschnitzel, Elin will be dining on deep fried $1000 bills served by Rachel Uchitel in a custom-made pig costume. Yes, Rachel Uchitel in a pig costume is redundant, but that shit will please Elin.

While Tiger Woods tends to the bulging dicks in his back, his lawyers are quietly working with Elin's lawyers to put together a custody and financial agreement. Both sides want to pull out their bloody tampon of a marriage and toss it into the nearest parking lot as soon as possible. They want to keep the details of their divorce settlement completely confidential.

TMZ's sources say that Tiger is agreeing to either custody or visitation rights, but he wants to know that he can drag Elin to any court if she violates the terms of their agreement. The sources say that Elin is planning to take their kids and move to Sweden, so she might file for divorce there.

Meanwhile, Radar's sources claim that Elin is the one who wants to bury their marriage. The source went on to say, “They don’t fight. There is a coldness between them and it’s Elin who is pulling the plug on the marriage. She tried to put things back together. She went to therapy with Tiger. She gave it a shot moving forward.”

Their sources also say that Elin wants to share custody of the chirruns with Tiger and so she isn't fighting him on that issue.

Even though it would be entertaining to see Elin publicly rip Tiger's nutsack out by the root and dangle them above her head, bitch is smart for keeping this divorce to a whisper. Elin's got more shit on Tiger than the sewer underneath Fishstick Paltrow's house, so she could easily write a tell-all or cry to Diane Sawyer about it. But is that going to keep her bath tub filled with diamonds? No, telling Tiger to pay up for her silence will.

If Tiger shut Rachel Uchitel's whore mouth with $10 million, then Elin should only leave him with a dirty mattress and a few Ambien pills. And honestly, that's all he needs.

Usually when you hear the words "Tiger Woods" and "pull out" in the same sentence, a cocktail waitress or a crotch-fruit ridden tampon is involved, but yesterday a Golf Channel anchor used the words after he dropped out of TPC. According to the Golf Channel anchor, who obviously has peen on the brain, Tiger had to quit that bitch due to bulging dicks in his upper back! So that's his secret! But seriously....

Poor Tiger. Every time he watches one of his balls drop into hole, the dick on his back jumps up and twitches for an itch. Tiger should just get one of his mistress whores to wrap around him like a backpack (aka a slutpack) at all times.

via TMZ

Nike wants you to forget all about the Tiger Woods who throws used tampons in parking lots so they have released this bizarre as shit commercial featuring him getting a talking to from his dead father.

You know, this shit is really weird if you watch it without the sound on. It's like you're in a staring contest with Tiger and he keeps losing, which makes him all sad-like.

By the way, don't imagine Tiger getting beej while standing there, because my gutter ass did and now I can't erase that picture!

via Deadspin

Bombshell McGee must be feeling really stupid today since she reportedly only got paid $30,000 to tell-all about her affair with Vanilla Gorilla, and Tiger Woods' main side-piece allegedly pockeded $10 million to say nothing. That's what TMZ claims anyway.

Right after the whole escandalo scandal broke, Rachel Uchitel's lawyer Gloria Allred announced her client would address the Tiger Woods rumors in a press conference. But a cat got Rachel's tongue, and the press conference was canceled at the last minute. TMZ's inside sources say that the cat was actually a check for $10 million. Tiger's people agreed to pay Rachel off if she signed a confidentiality agreement. Rachel could end up getting $1 million more, or $1 million less, depending on future situations.

Apparently, a few of Tiger's other tricks scored several hundreds of thousands of dollars in exchange for their silence. And some, didn't get shit, which means they have to toil harder on the ho stroll (I'm looking at you, Mindy Lawton).

If Tiger paid Rachel that much money to keep her lips closed, he must be into some kinky bestiality scat shit. Or he's a down-low Glenn Beck fan.

Hopefully Rachel does good things with that money by opening up a Gold Digging Community College, where she can teach aspiring moral-less whores how it's really done. Get me an application.

Tampons are having the worst month ever. First came the tale of Terry Richardson's love of tampon tea, and now here's a story from Vanity Fair about Tiger Woods' tango with a tampon. The tampon in question belonged to Mindy Lawton who just had to pose with a cherry in her mouth. This bitch.

Mindy, who has always been my favorite member of Tiger Woods' pack of whores, tells Vanity Fair that she first met him while serving tables at Perkin's. Even though Tiger only tipped Mindy 15% every time he came in, she still accepted his invitation when he asked her out. They ended up consummating their new love on his kitchen floor. Mindy went on to say that over the next few months, Tiger would say "jump" and she would spread her legs. Tiger wanted to fuck all the damn time no matter what obstacles got in his way. And by "obstacles," I mean Mindy's used tampon:

Another time, he insisted on meeting her right before a big golf tourney in 2007. “He wanted that last piece of booty before he could go to his tournament. To make him shoot better,” she said.

They met in a parking lot. She said she told him she was having her period and asked if they could avoid intercourse. But Tiger would not be denied, Lawton said. She said they started going at it next to the golfer’s Cadillac SUV. “He told me to pull my underwear down and pull out my tampon, and we went at it with me pressed up against his Escalade,” she said. “He did it from the back.”

MINDY! How could she let a bitch who only tips her 15% stir her crotchberry jam without a condom?! If I had any respect for Mindy, I would've tossed it into the compost pile after reading that mess. And it gets worse....

After they left, Lawton claims, reporters from The National Enquirer, who had been following her, picked up the tampon she had dropped in the parking lot, and later threatened to use it as part of a story exposing Woods’s infidelity. When the tabloid contacted one of Lawton’s relatives, Lawton texted Tiger in a panic, and he put her in touch with Mark Steinberg. “That’s when their brush-under-the-rug, the cover-up, happened,” Lawton says, referring to a deal that the Enquirer allegedly made with Tiger’s handlers to hold the adultery story in exchange for Woods’s giving an exclusive interview to its sister publication Men’s Fitness. (A spokesperson for The National Enquirer denies that the paper held the Lawton story in exchange for an exclusive on Tiger.)

So the next time you start feeling hate for your job, just think about the poor bitch whose job it is to pick up used tampons in parking lots.

If you want to read a few more stories from Vanity Fair's special "Whores Tell All" issue, click here.

The odometer on Tiger Woods' peen has passed the six-figure mark and the Department of Health has declared his crotch area a toxic zone, so it's no surprise that his wife Elin Nordegren is protecting her business with a spiky chastity belt. Or as us modern folk like to call it, a replica of Angelina Jolie's killer vagina.

A source tells People that Elin isn't going to risk Tiger crawling into her bed during one of his Ambien hazes, so she's sleeping in a totally difference house. The source went on to say that Elin is putting on a fake happy face for the sake of her kids, "Elin is going through the motions of family life only to keep the children well grounded. She suffered through the pain of her parents divorcing and doesn't want to do that to her kids. But she is not happy in the marriage. The trust is gone. she wears a chastity belt made of spikes. They are not living together as a couple. They are putting on a charade for the children."

You know, I never understood this "faking it" for the kids shit. My father was basically the Tiger Woods of his time and I can't even imagine what my childhood would've been like if my mom didn't put his ass out on the curb. It probably would've make Thanksgiving dinner real interesting:

Dad to Mom: "Can you please pass the sweet potatoes?"
Mom to Dad: "Why? Do you want to stick your dick in that bitch too?"

Nothing says "the spirit of giving" like fucking the sweet potatoes.