Tiger Woods

Either Tiger Woods is tripping so hard that his eyeballs are trying to jump out of his body, or that dude behind him is giving him the shocker, or he got nervous while realizing that it's been exactly 4 hours since he's stuck his wandering peen into a trick who isn't his girlfriend.

Awkward couple Tiger Woods and Lindsey Vonn went to the Met Gala together on Monday, because the real theme of the night was awkwardness (see: Kim and Kanye, Kristen Stewart and 90% of the dresses there), so they could be openly awkward among all the awkwardness. Tiger Woods somehow made it through the Met Gala without massaging his face against the ass cheeks of every cocktail server who walked by him. But UsWeekly says that at a Met Gala after-party at the Boom Boom Room in The Standard Hotel, Tiger got wonk-eyed drunk, fell on some stairs and embarrassed Lindsey Vonn.

Some witness type said that Tiger looked uncomfortable at the party and what do most people do when they're uncomfortable at a party? Get plastered! Tiger drank the booze up and when it came time to leave, his drunk ass fell while walking up some stairs. Tiger Woods sat there for a second until Lindsey clenched her teeth, pulled him and helped him to the car.

Drunkenly falling on some stairs at a dumb party is the least embarrassing thing Tiger Woods has ever done. But I'm sure Lindsey Vonn always look embarrassed. That's just what her face naturally looks like now. Your boyfriend calling you "Elin" during fuck times and your boyfriend coming home smelling like banana cream pie from Perkins and random snatch will cause your face to get stuck in the embarrassed position.

When Elin Nordegren looks at the balance on her ATM receipt, more than half-a-dozen zeroes look back at her and sometimes it gets boring looking at all those zeroes. Sometimes you want to see even more zeroes. You want the zeroes to fall off the page and shit. The only thing better than having a checking account full of millions of dollars is having a checking account full of even MORE millions of dollars. And that's what my idol and life icon is going to make happen.

After Elin's marriage to Tiger Woods drowned in a pool side snatch syrup, she got $110 million in the divorce settlement in 2010. Since then Elin has been using her millions to build her Florida dream mansion, and she dated an American billionaire for a while. I guess that didn't work out, because The National Enquirer (via The Sun) says that Elin is back to riding Tiger and he's trying to get her to marry his ass once again. A source says that Tiger proposed to Elin during the holidays and gave her a wedding ring. Tiger is so hard up for Elin to wear the ring that he promised to put an anti-cheating clause in their prenup that states he'll give her $350 million, more than half of his fortune, if he cheats. The source said:

“Tiger didn’t even balk at the demand. Even though his accountants think he’s crazy, he’s ready to sign the pre-nup and set a wedding date. The guy has never recovered from being dumped by Elin. He’s dated a lot of models and bimbos but none of them were more than a one-night stand.”

This is from The Enquirer via The Sun, so this shit is probably about as truthful as an OKCupid profile, but I still need it to be true, because I need to believe that Elin Nordegren is the Swedish goddess of gold diggers. If it is true, then Tiger Woods must think that Elin's vagine is the gold luck charm he needs to start winning again. It will be the easiest $350 million Elin has ever made. Six seconds after that marriage certificate is signed, Elin just has to put a random coochie in front of his face and as he breaks that anti-cheating clause, she'll get on the phone with her contractor to tell him that he can go ahead and encrust the bottom of her pool with diamonds and paint her entire house in liquid platinum.

Tiger Woods is usually the dude who does the wiener throwing, but at yesterday's Frys.com Open he got a taste of his owner wiener medicine when a crazy broke out onto the green to throw a hot dog at him. Watching a hot dog flying down the green is pretty much the closest thing we'll ever get to watching a Tiger Woods and Rachel Cuchitel fuck tape.

Tiger was just about to put his ball into a hole when the 31-year-old fucktardian hot dog launcher ran toward him and wasted a perfectly good sausage by missing him by 20 feet. Just like what most of us do after we toss our meat, the wiener slinger laid down on the green and waited for security to drag him away. Tiger told reporters afterward, "Some guy just came running on the green, and he had a hot dog. I don't know how he tried to throw it, but I was kind of focusing on my putt when he started yelling. Next thing I know, he laid on the ground, and looked like he wanted to be arrested."

That sounds like the synopsis of 99% of my first dates.

You know, you really have to be a new kind of dumb to throw a hot dog at Tiger Woods. It's a waste of a hot dog, a set of buns and a waste of your own energy. The smart thing to do would've been to tip toe onto the green with an open face clam and roast beef taco in your hand. Instead of the headline being "Dumbass Throws Hot Dog At Tiger Woods" it would've been "Tiger Woods Throws Himself On An Open Face Clam And Roast Beef Taco."

Click here to see the video which really doesn't show shit.

The billionaire businessman who is reportedly in a 6-month-old relationship with Elin Nordegren denies that he's been to two places Tiger Woods has been before. TMZ reported over the weekend that Tiger Woods' main mistress whore Rachel Uchitel screwed on Elin's current boyfriend, Jamie Bergman, two months before the Ambien hit the fan. When Elin found out about this, she freaked out at how Rachel's snatch seems to be following her wherever she goes. Elin can't even lick on Jamie's dick without seeing Rachel's vagina flaps laughing at her. So what is Elin's new boyfriend doing to soothe her rage? Denying it, of course!

Jamie's friends say that he did go down to Miami in October 2009 with Rachel, but it was strictly business. Jamie and Rachel were working on some kind of investment business together. Rachel told TMZ that she already bagged Jamie, but his friends say she's lying. However, some sources who stayed at the same house as Rachel and Jamie said she snuck into his room late at night for some fuck times. Rachel bragged about it to the owner of the house the next morning.

Like I've said before, Rachel Uchitel is like lube, she's been on every dick at one time or another. Elin should not let that little fact keep her from proclaiming her love to Jamie in a groundbreaking ceremony (aka a wedding) before shoveling half of his fortune into her pocketbook. Who cares if Rachel is telling everyone that Elin is riding on doggy bag dick. Elin can laugh right back when she makes her servants build a life-sized sculpture of Rachel Uchitel out of Austrian crystal balls that she'll knock down with her diamond-encrusted gold hammer.

I was rooting for Rachel for a second, but I just can't anymore. There's nothing more tragic than an undignified whore who has successfully dug for gold and is now empty-handed. Elin can count her millions of dollars while Rachel can only count her genital warts. As we all let out a gold digger sigh....

Rachel Uchitel's whore mouth is what got her $10 million from Tiger Woods in the first place, and now that same whore mouth has cost her most of that money. Tiger Woods reportedly stuffed a $10 million hush money check between Rachel Uchitel's overstuffed dolphin dick lips after she signed a confidentiality agreement promising to keep his name off of her tongue for the rest of her life. Any smart gold digger would've immediately glamored Tiger Woods' name from her brain, because $10 million can buy a lot of lip injections and horse mane weaves. Rachel Uchitel is not a smart gold digger. Bitch is as dumb as she is Equus faced.

Rachel broke the agreement when she went on Celebrity Rehab for a "love addiction" and vaguely talked about Tiger to TMZ. Tiger's lawyer Jay Lavely accused Rachel of breaking the agreement and ordered her to give all of the money back.

TMZ reports that Rachel's lawyer Gloria Allred advised her to give whatever is left of the $10 million back to Tiger, because they'd lose in court. Rachel agreed, but one thing Cuchitel didn't know is that Gloria made a deal with Jay that she would still collect all of her attorney fees from the $10 million. If they went to arbitration and lost, Rachel would not have to pay Gloria a cent. So Rachel thinks that Gloria forced her to give back the money so the bitch could get paid. Rachel has now hired a malpractice lawyer to get those fees back from Gloria. Gloria issued this statement to TMZ:

"Our law firm no longer represents Ms. Uchitel and we have no comment on this story at this time. However, we are confident that we have always acted appropriately and in her best interests."

Gloria fucked that $10 million out of Rachel just like Rachel fucked that $10 million out of Tiger. I should laugh, but I'm too busy being disgusted and disappointed at Rachel. Rachel is a shit-skinned, anus-mouthed, piss-brained piece of Mr. Ed's caca who gives all conniving gold digging sluts a bad name! What kind of gold digger screws with the $10 million in her pocket by breaking an agreement? What kind of gold digger puts that $10 million in a domestic checking account instead of hiding it in a shoe box far, far away? What kind of gold digger tells Tiger's lawyer that she still has the money instead of saying the words I said when my third grade teacher asked me what I did with the candy I took from my classmate's desk: "I ATE IT, BITCH!"

If I had any respect for Rachel to begin with, she would've lost it over this dumb dumb move.

Elin Nordegren thought it was weird that her new billionaire boyfriend's crotch smells like salmon jerky, Ambien and whore. And now she knows why. Elin is currently dating businessman Jamie Dingman who used to live with Tiger Woods' main mistress Rachel Uchitel in Miami. Nothing says "true love" like licking the stank of your ex-husband's ex-side piece off of your new boyfriend's peen.

Rachel tells TMZ that she screwed on Jamie for a while, but left him to become the full-time head of Tiger's harem. Rachel says that Jamie wasn't too upset about it and even joked that he'll just date Elin. Now his joke has become real-life.

Just because Jamie's sexed on Rachel in the past doesn't mean that Elin shouldn't marry him, divorce him and then throw the bag full of half his fortune in the vault where she keeps the gold bars she got from Tiger. If all of used that dating logic, we'd have no one to fuck! Because Rachel's cuchi not only tells all, but it's been on all too.

35-year-old Tiger Woods and his new 22-year-old girlfriend Alyse Lahti Johnson, seen above looking like a joint art project between Proactiv and Faces of Meth, go way way waaaaaaaay back. Tiger knew Alyse long before she had fat-headed brows and the complexion of lasagna. Alyse is the stepdaughter of an executive at Tiger's sports management company. Tiger used to live next door to Alyse's stepdaddy for years, and so he's known her ever since she was a little girl. Alyse was a fan of Tiger's and used to make him good luck crayon drawings before his golf tournaments. And now 10+ years later, he's making sperm drawing for her! Ugh. That sounds like the happy ending of a To Catch A Predator fairytale book written by PedoBear.

One of Alysa's friends tells UsWeekly, "They had photos in their house of their family with Tiger, but Alyse never said she was interested in him!"

Tiger started slapping his Ambien peen on Alyse after her stepfather re-introduced at a New Year's Eve party.

Because the sideways fuckery of Hollywood has left me numb and desensitized, I'm not sure how creepy this is. Sure it's gross in a "Celine and Rene" kind of way, but it's not like Tiger kept the drawings in a special place in his basement and recently showed them to Alyse who noticed strange new Elmer's glue stains (smells like bleach and goat milk) on them. It's also not like Tiger recently got naked, grabbed a golf club, threw himself on a chaise lounge and asked Alyse to "draw him like one of her Crayon figures....for old time's sake" Okay, thanks to that last sentence, I'm convinced that this belongs in the CREEPY ASS CREEPY box. Ask Chris Hansen to inspect this mess when he gets a chance.

Here's THE RICHEST WOMAN IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE Elin Nordegren letting her inner Rona Barrett come out and pose on the cover of this week's People Magazine. The "hand to face" pose was an excellent choice, because it says "I'm thinking.....about all the fucking zeroes in my savings account." Elin gave her first and only interview to People before she grabs her kids and retreats into her shiny Florida kingdom made from the tears falling out of Tiger Woods' checking account.

I figured that as soon as Elin collected her $100+ million divorce settlement, she would be forced to keep her lips shut to the media about anything Tiger Woods-related, but I guess not. Elin tells People that she was as shocked as everyone else to learn that her husband was out fucking like Wilt Chamberlain after a Viagra overdose. Elin says that she has taken a stroll through Hades (Satan asked her to say "Hiya, Sugartits" to Mel Gibson for him), but now she's in better place. What she means is nothing dries tears like a crisp $100 bill! And here's a few quotes.

Elin on all the shit that has fallen on her shoulders: "I've been through hell. It's hard to think you have this life, and then all of a sudden — was it a lie? You're struggling because it wasn't real. But I survived. It was hard, but it didn't kill me. I have been through the stages of disbelief and shock, to anger and ultimately grief over the loss of the family I so badly wanted for my children."

Elin on finding out that Tiger was crowned Mister Man Whore 2009-10: "I felt stupid as more things were revealed. How could I not have known anything? The word 'betrayal' isn't strong enough. I felt embarrassed for having been so deceived. I felt betrayed by many people around me. I never suspected, not a one. For the last three years, when all this was going on, I was home a lot more with pregnancies, then the children and my school. Initially, I thought we had a chance, and we tried really hard."

Elin quoting a Britney Spears song: "I also feel stronger than I ever have. I have confidence in my beliefs, my decisions and myself."

Elin on how she's going to soak her sadness in a bowl of liquefied gold: "My immediate plan is for the kids and me to continue to adjust to our new situation. I am going to keep taking classes, but my main focus is to try to give myself time to heal."

Elin on why she Ike Turnered Tiger's SUV that night: "There was never any violence inside or outside our home. The speculation that I would have used a golf club to hit him is just truly ridiculous. I did everything I could to get him out of the locked car. To think anything else is absolutely wrong."

Elin on how she wishes Tiger the best: "I know he is going to go down on every waitress in the 407 as the best golfer that ever lived, and rightfully so. I feel privileged to have witnessed a part of his golfing career."

Let's all tap a spoon on our plastic crystal wine flutes for Elin keeping it classy. That being said, I'm a little disappointed that the People cover doesn't feature Elin holding a diamond-covered dildo in front of a stuffed toy tiger with dollars falling out of its ass. The tagline could've read: "Now who's getting fucked, bitch". Not as classy as the "hand to face" pose, but it's a close second!

(Cover via Cover Awards, Other Quotes via The Sun)

Tiger Woods no longer has to worry about cleaning his mistress' pussy juices off of his wandering peen in the sink of a gas station before he comes home, because now that he's divorced he can proudly do all of his ho shit out in the open! Elin Nordegren's lawyer issued a statement to People confirming that her marriage to Tiger is now lying next to Mindy Lawton's used tampon in the parking lot of a Waffle House.

"We are sad that our marriage is over and we wish each other the very best for the future. While we are no longer married, we are the parents of two wonderful children and their happiness has been, and will always be, of paramount importance to both of us.

Once we came to the decision that our marriage was at an end, the primary focus of our amicable discussions has been to ensure their future well-being. The weeks and months ahead will not be easy for them as we adjust to a new family situation, which is why our privacy must be a principal concern."

Elin and Tiger battled it out behind closed doors before they filed for divorce, so nobody knows the details of her settlement. The rumor is that Elin is rolling around in a bed covered in at least 100 million dollar bills. A source also says that Tiger and Elin will share custody of their two kids.

This is a triumphant day for Elin, and you might think this is also panty creaming news for cocktail waitresses in the Orlando area, but it's not. Gold digging hos are crying, because the days of getting five figures from The Insider for an "I Fucked A Married Tiger Woods" interview are over. Now that he's single, boning Tiger will only get you an appointment card at the free clinic.

It's Monday, so you're probably dropping fuck bombs in your cubicle like Mel Gibson in need a blow. So why not bump your fuck bombs with Tiger Woods' fuck bombs (put a condom on your tongue first). At Saturday's British Open, Tiger let the fuck word leap off of his tongue after he missed a putt on the 13th hole.

Tiger focused hard on getting that ball in and it failed him. Tiger tried to picture the hole as his mouth and the ball as a giant Ambien. That didn't help him focus. Tiger tried to picture the hole as a cocktail waitress' snatch and the ball as an anal bead (It's Tiger, he's kinky), but that didn't help. Tiger tried to picture the hole as Gloria Allred's mouth and the ball as a giant plug, but obviously that didn't do the trick either. When Tiger missed the shot, he muttered to himself, "Why the fuck did you do that?"

"Why the fuck did you do that?" and Tiger Woods are so perfect for each other that he should probably get that shit tattooed on his tongue.

via HuffPo