Brats

Usher is disgusted that anyone would ever think he would sell pictures of his precious baby, Usher. Yes, he named his baby Usher too. He said the rumors that he's trying to "pimp" out his baby are untrue and hurtful.

He told Page Six, "In no way would I ever pimp out my child for money. I am livid that people talk about my child." JLo is so offended by that comment. She doesn't pimp out her children! She's merely sharing the stunning beauty of her spawn with the world.....for millions of dollars.

Don't worry though. Usher posed with his baby Usher for the cover of Essence's Father's Day issue.

Usher also defended his husband wife, Tameka Foster, against the rumors that she doesn't get along with....just about everyone! He said, "I stand by her as a man loving my wife and being there for my child . . . Opinions are like assholes. Everybody's got one. What I will say is, this is my wife and I would hope that [people] would respect my wife and my marriage and who I have chosen to spend my life with."

The woman you've chosen to spend your life with is a dude and a cunt! Wait, is that not respectful? Oh well.

Stephanie Tanner is a mom! It seems like it was just yesterday when she was driving the family car into the kitchen and now she's a mother. Fuck, I'm elderly.

Jodie Sweetin gave birth to a baby girl yesterday reports People. Jodie and her husband, Cody Herpes...I mean Herpin, have named the 8 lbs. 7 oz baby, Zoie.

ZOIE?! ZOWIE! Here we fucking go again. Leave it to Stephanie Tanner to add a vowel to a perfectly fine name. It should be Zoe, not ZOIE! The extra "i" does not make it sound fancier. She should have named her "Duckface" in honor of Walter, Steph's secret boyfriend from "Full House."

Hopefully, the Olsens will be Zowie Herpes' godmothers. They can all share clothes!

Angelina Jolie could command up to $10 million for the first exclusive pictures of her twins. Celebrity weekly editors told Page Six that the business of buying baby pictures is out of control. Xtina reportedly got $1.5 million from People while JLo took home $6 million.

One editor said, "It's at the point now where some stars might decide to have more kids just to collect the money from their photos." Hmm....you hear that Tori Spelling? We're on to you!

Barry Levine of the National Enquirer said the weeklies don't mind paying, because their numbers go up and they can sell the pictures overseas, "It's outrageous, they've gotten very sophisticated. The rights are bought up now even before the celeb enters the hospital. They hire extra security so it's impossible to obtain a photo illegally." Barry said that in 1989 he paid Lisa Marie Presley $100,000 for her baby pictures.

If I was paying $10 million for pictures of two sleeping babies, I'd also want a lap dance from Brad, an autographed picture from Maddox and the secret to Angelina Jolie's hypnotic vagina.

I would be shocked and appalled if Brangelina sold off their pics. They think they are to good for that shit. Instead, they will commission a bronze statue of their new chosen ones that will sit outside the United Nations.

Brucie Willis' fetus girlfriend is starting to hang out with the family, so they are totally going to get married and have more babies. Not in that order of course. It's Hollywood. I still think the girl looks like an adolescent. She almost passes for one of Brucie's daughters, but she doesn't quite share the same "features" as them. She should be thankful for that. Here's Bruce and fetus girlfriend with Tallulah Willis and some other chick enjoying their Starfucks yesterday afternoon.

It's an airbrushed to hell JLo with her twins, Max & Emme, on the cover of People Magazine! This is what $6 million (allegedly) gets you! The new issue hits stands tomorrow and promises 12 pages of JLo, Skeletor and their babies. People made a good call and kept Skeletor off the cover. This isn't a Halloween issue. They also take us inside the twins' nursery? Which one? I bet you anything JLo had a fake nursery made up, so she doesn't look that crazy. The real nursery is covered in solid gold, diamonds, furs and elephant ivory.

It's always hilarious when celebrities put their newborn babies in magazines. Babies pretty much look all the same at that age.

They probably went with this picture, because every time JLo went to hold them they started crying. Well, I'm sure this is like the third time she's seen them! They want the nanny.

"Eveeeerrrrrryyy timmmeeeeee I turn around! I see the girl that turns my world around!" Punky Brewster aka Soleil Moon Frye gave birth to her second child, a boy GIRL (I wrote boy before! Need more coffee), in Los Angeles yesterday. Punky has named her a boy's name, Jagger Joseph Blue Goldberg. That's a lot of name. Punky and her husband, Jason Goldberg, already have a daughter named Poet Sienna Rose Goldberg.

If the couple have a third child, that kid's third name will totally be chartreuse. Well, they like colors. I actually don't mind the name Jagger, because it makes me think of JAG which makes me think of David James Elliott and he's sort of hot. It's still a boy's name, but maybe she's planning to give her a sex change later on in life. It pays to plan ahead.

Soleil could have at least used the name "Brandon" somewhere in her new daughter's name. Brandon was the hottest friend a kid could have. She also should have used the name "Cherry" somewhere. Cherry was always my favorite, because she didn't give a fuck! Honestly, you must not give a fuck if you wear skinny belts on your head. The best Cherry moment was when they played hide-and-seek and that bitch hid in the backyard refrigerator and almost died!

I am leaving you with the show's theme song in hopes that it infiltrates your brain and stays there all day long.

P.S. - Soleil's husband's head is HUGE. He's going to crush her head. Sexy.

Skeletor recently attended a NYPD Fundraiser where he said that he's become skilled at putting his Dragon Tales twins to sleep. He said JLo even gave him a nickname, “I’m so hands-on with them that the household developed a nickname for me. They call me the Burp Whisperer.” That doesn't even make sense! Shouldn't it be the Dragon Tales Twins Whisperer? JLo needs to hire writers to come up with material for her daily conversations, because she sucks at nicknames.

I know how Skeletor is putting them to sleep. He's whispering in their little ears, "You better can it or I'll suck the soul out of you! You'll be as soulless as your mother!" Babies know zombie talk.

At least somebody around that house is taking care of the babies. I'm sure JLo has seen them twice in their whole lives. She probably saw them once when they were born and once during their $6 million photoshoot. She will see them a third time when decides to show them off to the paparazzi. This of course will be after she's had her face, ass, stomach and thighs wet-vacced.

I love Melissa Joan Hart, because she is the mid-90s wrapped up in a tiny package. I think a law needs to be passed requiring her to only wear chokers, floral spaghetti-strap dresses underneath white t-shirts and other 90s fashions. Anyway, Sabrina and her husband, Mark Wilkerson, welcomed a second son yesterday. Braydon Hart Wilkerson weighed in at 7 lbs., 3 oz. Bradyon?! That's kind of 70s. She should have named him Luke or Dylan.

Melissa told People, "This has been a long but exciting pregnancy, and we along with Mason are excited to add to the Wilkerson clan."

Oh shit! Remember floral spaghetti-strap dresses underneath white t-shirts?

Lisa Marie "I'm not fat, I'm pregnant" Presley is having twins according to Star Magazine. Lisa Marie is 4-months knocked up by husband #4, Michael Lockwood. One of the twins is a boy. She has to name him Elvis or I will never forgive her. Ok, she can name him Jacko too and I'll be ok with that. I know her heart still belongs to him.

A source told Star, "Michael told me that he and Lisa have been trying to get pregnant for about a year. He also said that they had a sonogram two weeks ago, and [one] baby opened its legs, and they saw something!' Michael was beaming." Already opening its legs?! What a tramp.

Seriously though, in vitro babies are everywhere now. I think this is Tom Cruise's doing. Angelina Jolie's growing child army is making him nervous, so he's forcing all the Scientology chicks to carry as many babies as possible. We've got a Scientology and Brangelina war on our hands. I'm just waiting to hear that Madonna is knocked up with triplets, because the Kabbalaballaaha skanks must also get in on the action.

It's a miracle! JLo finally delivered her twins in her special hospital suite at North Shore University Hospital on Long Island shortly after midnight today reports People. JLo's rep confirmed she had a boy and a girl. The girl was born at 12:12 a.m. and weighed 5 lbs. 7 oz., and the boy followed at 12:23 a.m., weighing 6 lbs.

Their rep said, "Jennifer and Marc are delighted, thrilled and over the moon." Jennifer is the size of the moon is probably what he meant to say. JLo is probably already on the phone screaming things at her people. She probably doesn't understand why her babies don't have hair and she wants answers! She's also bringing hair and make-up people in to get her babies ready for their photo shoot. They can sleep when they are dead! It's money-making time.

I'm on the edge of my oatmeal bowl waiting to hear the names. Just name one of them "Escandalo" and I'll be your biggest fan, JLo.