Brats

Lisa Marie Presley ejected twin girls out of her body on Friday night and now we know their names. Star Magazine claims Lisa and her Tommy Petty-wannabe husband have named their bundles of joy Harper and Finley.

Okay, what's with celebrities giving their babies talking animal names? Julia Roberts set the trend by naming hers Phinnaeus and Hazel. Minnie Driver continued that fuckery by naming her kid Henry Story. And now Lisa Marie and her goofy ass husband have named theirs Harper and Finley. The next celebwhore to pop should keep it going by naming their baby Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle, Jemima Puddle-Duck or Squirrel Nutkin.

Well, at least when Harper, Finley, Phinnaeus, Hazel and Henry Story get older, they can form a band like the fucking Brementown Musicians. Either that or they can all move to a village in the forest together where they'll work as old-timey cobblers and milliners.

Did you hear a loud boom yesterday? No, it wasn't your drunk roommate falling in the tub again. It was Lisa Marie Presley pushing out her twin girls. FINALLY! She was the size of one of Aretha Franklin's mega chichi balls. That's a whole lot of woman. And she looked like she was ready to bite off her husband's head at any moment. That wouldn't have been such a bad thing considering all the stupid fucking hats he wears.

According to Star Magazine, Elvis' 40-year-old daughter gave birth to twin girls at Los Robles Hospital in Thousand Oaks, CA yesterday. Her two other children, Riley and Ben, were there for the birth of their new sisters. LM's husband, Michael Lockwood, was by her side the whole time. Ugh. Didn't that make her sicker?! I'm sure he was wearing one of his stupid ensembles. He's always looking like the short bus version of Tom Petty. I guess that didn't bother LM since she managed to give birth without any problems.

A source said, “Lisa Marie is mom to four now! She’s feeling good, a little tired too. She is so happy and Michael is ecstatic. He’s wanted to be a dad for so long. This is his dream come true. There was no drama. The babies are healthy and beautiful. Ben was seen pushing them down the hall in their cart and cooing to them"

The source didn't say what the twins' names are. What good is this source?! That's all that matters. Lisa Marie should name her twin girls after her lovely mother Priscilla. She can name one Restylane and the other Botox!

David Spade's ex-fuck buddy, Jillian Grace, gave birth to their baby in Missouri on August 26th. The baby's name hasn't been announced.

David found out about the pregnancy earlier this year and said that he would take responsibility if the baby proves to be his. I guess the baby is his, because his spokesbitch issued this statement to People: "David and Jillian have been in close contact throughout her pregnancy and he plans to go see the baby during his first break from shooting Rules of Engagement."

How sweet. He'll see the baby when he can. I'm sure he did send baby a few baby vomit napkins from Petit Tresor. That shows that he cares. And what in TV hell is "Rules of Engagement" anyway? My Tivo is even shrugging its shoulders to that question. Wasn't that a movie with Anne Archer?

Okay, now that David Spade has produced a baby, it's time to fix him. Spay the Spade! I know, it's really "neuter the Spade," but that doesn't have the same special ring to it.

Source: E! Online

Jason Lee's girlfriend Ceren Alkac popped out a baby girl on August 10th. Unfortunately, we don't know her name yet. This is the couple's first. This is also very important news for me, because I cannot wait to hear what they have named her. As you know, Jason already has a 4-year-old son named Pilot Inspektor with some other broad.

These two look pretty creative so I'm hoping they completely outdo the name Pilot Inspektor. They have their work cut out for them now that Lunesta Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale has entered the world.

When Pilot was born, Jason said they came up with his name after listening to Grandaddy's 2000 album The Sophtware Slump. Jason said, "The opening track, 'He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot,' absolutely blew my mind when I first heard it."

Please tell me they've been listening to a lot of ABBA! Chiquitita Enchained would be the best name ever. I have faith in Jason. He'll deliver an unforgettable name and it will be dazzling. Watch him name her "Jennifer" just to fuck with us.

Source: UsWeekly

Well, not Matt Damon himself, but his wifey had a baby. You know what I mean! People confirms that Matt's wife, Luciana, popped out their second baby in Miami today. They named her Gia Zavala. So she's either going to be a mobster's wife, a tough-talking manicurist or a troubled supermodel.

Matt's spokesbitch said, "Everyone's doing great. She is a healthy baby girl." Just add another chick to the Damon household. They already have two daughters, Isabella and Alexia.

Congrats to these two pieces of boiled broccoli! At least new baby Gia will sleep well since she's living in the most boring house in America.

And you already know how I'm going to end this post. MORE BABIES!!! I'm seriously going to open my window and scream, "BABIES ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD. RUN!!!"

Ethan Hawke and The Nanny said "fuck it" today by not even trying to cover up their little baby's face from the paps. Obviously, they've decided not to whore out their baby in a magazine. Ethan should have tried to work some kind of deal. He could have gotten a meal voucher from T.G.I. Friday's or possibly half of a joint. Oh well, maybe next time.

Here's more of Ethan, The Nanny and 1-week-old Clementine Jane in NYC. She's precious. It's a good thing she didn't inherit her daddy's greasy meth face. Seriously, he looks like he should be selling me an 8-ball, not carrying around a little baby.

Little Baby Levi is already awesome. While he was in the womb, Matthew McConaughey probably taught him how to make a bong with his umbilical cord. That way he can get an early start. The minute I saw Baby Levi on OK! Magazine, "Because I Got High" started playing in my head. He looks baked! Awww...I was about his age when I had my first joint too. Memories.

Matthew also talked about finding out the sex of their baby in the delivery room, "I said, 'Come here, little man. I saw the pecker and screamed that we'd been right all along about him being a boy. Then I brought him over to her [Camila]. It was neat to find out what the sex was because we didn't have the doctor tell us beforehand. I've pulled out some baby pictures of myself, and the resemblance is amazing. This kid has a lot to learn from us. I want him to come out being a little wiser, a little cooler and a little happier than we are."

Don't worry Matthew, he's already cooler than you.

Ass and Pete's little Emo Baby is going to be a girl. That's sweet. All of three of them can share tampons when Emo Baby gets older.

A source told Star (via SAWF) that Ass and Pete also found out Emo Baby's due date, "The doctor told them they actually conceived the baby just before Valentine's Day while they were on vacation and has given them an initial due date of Oct. 31. When Pete heard he might have his baby on Halloween, he went nuts. For an emo-rocker type like Pete, that would be just too perfect!" Oh shit. This means her name is going to be Elvira or Siouxsie Sioux.

There's probably a bunch of babies up in heaven, playing a never-ending game of "rock, paper, scissors" trying to decide who's going to get stuck with these two twats.

I still don't believe that she could get pregnant just by rubbing vaginas with Pete. I won't believe it's their baby until it pops out with flat-ironed hair, eyeliner for days and a severe case of acid reflux.

A Simpson boy is coming.... A tattler-taler from Petit Tresor, the only baby store celebskanks go to, told CelebTV.com that Ass Simpson and Vagina Wentz filled out a baby registry and almost everything on the list is blue. That really doesn't mean anything. The blue diapers and baby rattlers they registered for could have been a gift for Papa Joe. He likes to roleplay.

The tattler-taler said, “They [Simpson and Wentz] made it very clear that it was a boy.” Fall Out Boy!

Does Petit Tresor carry baby flat-irons and baby eyeliner?

Oh shit. They are totally going to name the poor thing "Emo." Let's send subliminal messages to Emo Baby telling him to run for the door as soon as he pops out of Ass' vag. We'll have a getaway car waiting with Latarian Milton in the driver's seat.

Vanity Fair's "Hollywood's New Wave" issue is here and it should really be called the "You Are OLD" issue, because I have no idea who 25% of these skanks are. And where in fuckity fuck is Rumer?! Mommy Demi and Daddy Bruce couldn't pull some strings to get their Tater Head in this issue? For shame!

At least I recognize the chicks on the cover. Amanda Seyfried, Emma Roberts, Blake Lively and Kristen Stewart are featured on the cover. Again, Tater Head definitely effed up by not getting her chin on the cover.

The rest of the issue includes Zoe Kravitz, The Jonas Hos, Jonah Hill and the twats from "Gossip Girl" who definitely recreated this "Friends" cast shot.

Visit Vanity Fair to read the article if you give an eff.