Britney Spears

The Mirror claims that Brit Brit is in negotiations to "write" her life story for £10 million. A source said that if the deal goes through, Brit will somehow put together three to five books in the next ten years. Some source said, "She's kept diaries so there's nothing she'll leave out unless she wants to. Britney will talk frankly about growing up and how she went off the rails. It'll be a gripping read."

As gripping and insightful as that propaganda piece of shit she tried to pass off as a documentary?

I bet Brit Brit's diaries look like the Pee Chee folder of a 7-year-old girl. It's probably all pictures drawn with crayons and water markers. Whenever she thinks a page is really deep, she marks it with a hologram sticker. The publisher should just save some time and release Everyone Poops with Brit's picture on the cover. It'll be the same shit.

And the only chapter I'm interested in reading in Brit's tell-all is the one titled: Hi Yall! Brit Brit here, just want to update you all on the size of my vagina. Its about 4 feet wide with razor sharp teeth.

K-WellFed is boning some broad named Victoria Prince and Brit Brit has dispatched her pair of Cheetolings to spy on the two. You know Brit Brit gave SPF and JJ the codenames La Choy and Bacos.

A source told The National Enquirer (via SS) that Brit Brit told Agent La Choy and Agent Bacos to tell her what Victoria is like and if she spends the night. The source went on to say, "She has also asked her bodyguards to milk information out of Kevin's bodyguards and quizzed his nanny and friends. She's been texting people, asking what's up with him and Victoria."

K-WellFed might know what's up, because according to some skanks he loves it when Brit Brit wants him back.

Yeah, right. He doesn't know shit! Look at the picture above. He has no idea that Agent La Choy and Agent Bacos are hiding under his triple-XL bull dyke shorts. They are making Mama Cheetos proud.

Here's K-WellFed and that Victoria ho going bowling in Los Angeles the other night.

No, Brit Brit and her Cheetolings are not dressed in their mourning black to say goodbye to her freedom. Brit Brit dressed up and got a flea bath for her brother's New Year's Wedding! And how long do you think she held a conversation with that giant nutcracker before Daddy Spears had to break the devastating news to her. Brit shouted, "But we unnerstan' each othah! I was fixin' ta marry up wif him!"

Well, even if he wasn't made of wood, they still couldn't get married without a yes nod from Daddy Spears. Two days ago, court papers were filed making it official that Brit Brit is now under the command of lawyer Andrew Wallet and Daddy Spears for eternity! Or until they decide that if they release her from the leash, she won't run into the streets with her chonies off and slobbering at the mouth for a Frapp.

A judge made the ruling back in October, but the conservatorship became legally permanent on Monday. Brit agreed with the decision. The order states that Brit Brit isn't right in the brains just yet, so she is "unable properly to provide for her personal needs for physical health, food, clothing, or shelter.”

OK! says that the main reason to make Daddy Spears Brit Brit's permanent keeper involved her world tour. Apparently, she couldn't get insured unless the conservatorship was in place. They were originally going to take the chains off of her on December 31st, but when they found out nobody would insure her possumshit crazy ass, they had to make it permanent.

Don't fret. Our Lady of Cheetos will karate chop her way through this shit, because she's a Karate Kid. I just wish she would "wax on" that weave a little bit, because it's looking a little straw-ey.

And just because I feel like I have to: "HI YALL! Brit Brit here, just wanted to update you all on the size of my vagina. Its about 4 feet wide with razor sharp teeth."

Image: BS.com

HA! This sounds about right. Blame it on Vadge's influence.

And yes, Brit's Twitter was hacked.

VIA ONTD

I really should use only use old pictures of celebwhores, because they are usually wearing much hotter outfits than they wear now and the picture quality is always so impeccable. It also makes me think that there was a time when they were just like us! They got their picture taken at the Sears portrait studio too. You know what pisses me off about family portraits like this? Why the fuck do they always have one kid look one way and the other kid the other. They pulled that shit on me and I couldn't understand why my sister got to look at the camera, but I had to look at some lame ass puppet the photo assistant was holding. Did they want our picture to look like an ABBA cover or some shit? Because unfortunately it didn't. It made me look like I was a special needs child who was going blind in one eye. Well, I guess that wasn't too far from the truth....

Anyway, hopefully Brit Brit wore this outfit to her brother's wedding on New Year's Eve, because that shit is the look. Our Lady of Cheetos traveled to New Orleans with her mastah and her Cheetolings to watch her big brother Bryan get married to Jamie Lynn's manager Graciella Sanchez.

A Spears married a Sanchez?! I really hope Graciella's abuelita was there. When Brit Brit was riding high on the crazy train, she really needed an abuelita in her life to set her straight. An abuelita would've slapped her with all her rings on, beat her with a switch and then made her some menudo for her to eat while watching novellas. The bitch would have been fixed just like that. That's why I hope Graciella's abuelita was at the wedding to make sure Brit Brit keeps her chonies and weave on in the future.

Source

Somehow Brit Brit managed to fly all the way to India over Christmas break and then fly back again without one pap following her ass. That's what the Mirror claims anyway. According to them, Our Lady of Cheetos has fallen in love with Bollywood choreographer Sandip Soparrkar who worked on her "Woomanizah" video. What the Frapp?!

Apparently, the two met earlier this year at one of Vadge's parties. They reunited when Sandip worked on Brit's video and that's when true love was born. They somehow found a way to spend Christmas in India together without any bitches finding out. Something in the curry ain't spicy about this shit!

A source said, “Britney and Sandip tried to keep their reunion in India hush-hush as they’re determined to have a relationship just like any other couple. For Christmas, Sandip – or Sandy as Britney calls him – presented her with a traditional Indian sari. She wore it during a candlelit dinner. The pair were whispering and giggling all night. Sandy ordered local delicacies including chicken tikka and a cottage cheese curry. Britney was nicking the dough balls from his plate. It was really cute.”

Nicking the dough balls? That isn't like Brit. If she knew they were dough balls, she would have swallowed them whole and taken no prisoners. And if Sandip really wants to find his way into Brit's hear, he needs to make her cheese curry with Velveeta, of course.

This is too much too soon. Brit was in India? Brit is bumping tikkas with a dude who looks like my dentist? Brit nicks dough balls? The secrets! The revelations! You think you know someone! I feel so hurt. I feel lied to. I need to comfort myself with a Cheetotini and a Slim Jim.

Seriously, this Sandip dude really does look like my dentist. Except my dentist has been intimate with a wax strip or two and obviously Sandip hasn't. Brit knows how I feel about eyebrows and she gets with him?! The betrayal!!!! And I'm going to pretend like I didn't even see Sandip's baby bangs. I can't....

UPDATE: Yes, that shit above is Photoshopped. The Times of India says the picture has been making the rounds from Sandip's e-mail. Click here to see the original. How dare they obstruct Doogie Howser's beautiful face. Blasphemy! (Thanks Jodi)

Brit Brit, SPF and JJ (wearing Daddy Spears LensCrafters glasses probably paid for by Brit) wish all of you a Happy Holiday filled with Cheetos, Frapps and Adderall (Amen to that!).

Okay, I know why Brit Brit held on to SPF's off-limits area like that. He was trying to run for his life because Brit's weave scabies kept biting at his neck. I understand that, but did she have to choose that picture for the damn world to see! It's like the time my mom gave everyone a family picture where my eyes were half-open like a damn crackhead after a seizure. I know my mom chose that one, because she looked the hottest in it. However, that is not an excuse Brit Brit can use, because that shit on her head looks like Kim Zolciak's merkin. You know, when Kim's sugar daddies want a little fur down there.

And Daddy Spears isn't doing his job! There's a mess that needs to be cleaned up to the right of SPF. Get HoHan to come over and snort that shit up.

Brit Brit losing the sane in her brains has worked out well for Daddy Spears' Velcro wallet. Yesterday in Los Angeles, a judge in the conservatorship case gave him a $6k raise for being Brit Brit's mastah! Daddy was making a measly $10k a month, but now he's taking home $16,125 a month. Hey! Don't give him the side-eye and lip smack. Velveeta ain't cheap!

Daddy Spears got the raise because of all the other shit he's been doing for his daughter, besides making sure she doesn't shave her head or flash her hairless possum. Daddy has been working on her upcoming arm-waving tour for next year. The judge also approved a $1,200 a month office space for Daddy.

If that wasn't enough, Brit Brit's brother Bryan will get $200,000 from Brit Brit's piggy bank for doing stuff before the conservatorship was established.

Cue the "Brit's Pappy shood be doin' it fo' free" comments! Eff that. If you were Brit Brit's relative...well, you'd be eating a beef jerky omelet right now (delicious), but you would also gladly take her cash for keeping her crazy on the down low! Let's be real. He had to quit his life to put her life back together. She has the cash to pay him, so why the fuck not?!

I just wish he'd crack a smile once or twice now that he's got the cash in his fannypack. Naw. Daddy Spears doesn't play the smile game. I'm sure he celebrated in his own way.... like dancing with his bong. Seriously, those eyes have been touched by the green smoke.

Source: TMZ

Brit Brit is back behind the wheel of a working automobile! And no she isn't pretending to drive in her own garage! She's actually driving on the street. The paparazzi better start wearing full fucking body armor, because the pap-smearer is back on the road!

In Brit's propaganda video "Buy My Record," she weeps about how she misses driving, so it was nice of Daddy Spears to let her play big girl driver even though all our lives are at risk.

You can't tell from these pictures, but Daddy Spears attached a leash to the back of her car, so she doesn't go off too far. That shit is a little comforting.

And Brit needs new sunglasses. Those things belong on a cigar-smoking, child touching, pepaw flasher from the 70s. Not on our little Cheetoling.

It might have been a while since Brit Brit has done this whole dating thing and Daddy Spears probably doesn't know the rules, so I think we all need to take them into the back to teach them the rules. Everyone, except for Brit and Daddy Spears obviously, know that the #1 rule of dating is: don't eff with Wonky McValtrex's infected victims! They should teach this in schools. It's that important!

That is why Brit Brit has no business bumping anything with Benji Madden. According to InTouch (via PopCrunch), Daddy Spears made a list of all possible dudes his daughter should date. The list included Benji, Chace Crawford, Jesse Metcalfe and Michael Phelps. Daddy sure can pick 'em. A used twatty rag, a power bottom, a drunktard with boobies and the son of Neptune whose mommy would chop his dolphin peen off if he tried to knock it with Brit.

The source said that Brit's manager, Larry Rudolph, made some calls and Benji seemed the most interested. After a few dates with Benji, Brit Brit likes him. The source said, “They’ve been on a few dates. They met once at The Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills for dinner in a hotel suite. She appears to like Benji a lot, and he seems to really like her.”

Larry plans to use the new barfmance to promote Brit's album and tour.

If this fuckery is true then Daddy Spears needs to pay a visit to Brit's old stopping grounds: the loony bin! I knew there was something off about that man when I watched him make cheese grits using Velveeta instead of Cheetos.