Britney Spears

Her words not mine! Brit Brit took her ho mime show to Tampa, FL last night and while she was offstage changing into one of her day-shift stripper outfits, she was heard saying, "MAH PUSSY IS HANGING OUT!" This is what a bunch of whores e-mailed to me. I guess the awesome amazing sound guy kind of forgot to turn her mic off. And I guess bitch needs her mic on to say shit like, "Haaaaaay (insert city name here)! I love y'all!", because it's not like she uses it to sing stuff live.

If Brit Brit's pussay was hanging out during her show, I'd hate to know how many poor innocent victims it ate up. It's kind of known that her vagina is about 4 feet wide with razor sharp teeth. And she shouldn't worry about her chocha flapping around, because EVERYONE has seen it. We're all old friends with her pussay. We have iced tea and biscuits every Sunday.

This just confirms that no amount of Lexapro can keep a hillbilly from talking about her smilin' snatch. I just hope that if I get to see her ass in New Jersey this weekend, the amazing sound dude will "forget" to turn her mic off again, so she can say shit like, "Mah ass lips is a throbbin'!"

Go on, Brit, keep that pussy out for Chester Cheetah!

WTF?! Chester the Cheetah, is that you?! Noooooo. Brit Brit would never be that cruel. Chester is her first love! Did they have a fight? Did he do her wrong? No, that must be Chester's arch rival, Chesley, on top of Brit's head. You know, the pussy who almost got the Cheetos job. Chester brought his head on a silver-plated platter and crowned Brit the Cheeto Queen!

So, if you got a Cheeto for every time you heard "Brit Brit's back," you would be drowning in processed cheese sticks. That shit would be all up in your possum pie and glazed donut hole. Just like Brit Brit! Well, she was kind of back last night at the opening of her "I'm Takin' Mah Meds" world tour in New Orleans. I scanned the reviews and most of them were the same. They said bitch looked like she didn't want to be there, she walked more than danced and she kind of forgot to mouth some words in certain songs. Apparently, all that Cirque de Cheetos shit distracts from her raw talent. HA. Yes, nobody can lip-synch the jerky out of a song like she can!

Based on the pictures, it kind of looks like the matinee of a burlesque show at a downtown Reno, NV casino where you get a steak lunch with every ticket! Either that or it looks like Slutoween at a sorority house. I mean, she's a slutty cop, a slutty ringmaster, a slutty mobster, a slutty Lady CaCa (that's an oxymoron, I know) and so on..... There's a lot of chitterling crotch in these pictures.

In case you want to see this shit up close and personal, tickets are still available. Can you believe that it's like $250 if you to stand on the floor? And it's $730 or some shit if you want to sit in a chair on the floor?! All that money goes to KFat's buffet fund. Is this hillbilly crazy charging that much?! Oh, wait....

After a flight from Los Angeles to Mississippi, Brit Brit stepped out of her luxurious flying trailer and took a breath of fresh air. And by "fresh air," I mean Winston smoke. Our Lady of Cheetos had to gargle with a little nicotine in order to get her possum yodel ready for the big hillbilly show on Tuesday!

Brit Brit's back in Kentwood to prepare for the opening of her "I Ain't Got The Crazies No Mo'" tour in New Orleans. Brit Brit along with her little Cheetolets and Master Spears arrived at the airport yesterday.

You know, it's still a little odd seeing Brit Brit looking like she bathes, shampoos and wipes her chitterling area regularly. I mean, where did all her weave fleas go? They are wandering the streets looking for another gutter weave to live in.

And I am the only one that gets a craving for cheese grits every time I see Master Spears? I bet he's always got a crotch full of cheese grits. I can't....

Adnan Ghalib, Brit Brit's old Cheetoclit tosser, was charged with three felonies by the L.A. District Attorney for busting his car into a dude who was trying to serve him with legal papers on February 11th in Los Angeles.

TMZ says the process server was trying to deliver some shit to Adnan in connection with the Brit Brit case. Adnan wasn't about to get served, so he allegedly hit the dude with his car and kept on driving. The dude jumped on Adnan's hood so he wouldn't get squished. Server Dude got cut up and broke his wrist.

Adnan is charged with assault deadly weapon, battery, and hit and run. Bail will be set at 110,000 clams. The fucktard could get up to 7 years if he gets the big C on all charges.

Come on, we all know prison is Adnan's fate. Even Brit Brit knew this. That's why she always took him to gas stations so that they could feast on soggy hot dogs and jerky. She was preparing him for chokey food.

And Adnan has got the moobs for prison. He's also got the landing strip too. His prison daddy is going to love that landing strip tickling his nuts while Adnan tongue polishes his pole. Bitch will be a star wifey in the big house.

Daddy Spears took out a restraining order against Landing Strip Galib and Sam Lutfi a little while ago, because he claims they were filling his little Cheetoling's head with dirty, sucio, evil shit! They were all back in a Los Angeles court room this morning, because Daddy Spears wants the restraining order to last forever and all-time. That piece of gutter trash Sam is screaming that he's never threatened, drugged, farted on or tried to cause any other kind of harm to Brit Brit and her family. Sam wants the restraining order to end now. Queef...queef...queef... Basically, the lie dingles were falling out of his mouth hole.

The judge extended the restraining order until Wednesday to give time for Daddy Spears to testify. That's exactly what he started to do today. E! reports that Daddy testified the nanny overheard Brit Brit talking to Adnan and Sam really early in the morning on a cell phone. When Brit went to dance practice, her security team found the phone which was a prepaid Nokia. Brit admitted she got it when she was at the Peninsula Hotel one day.

Daddy went on to say that Brit is allowed a cell phone, but can't use it all the time. They monitor that shit. You know she totally has a Firefly! On second thought, bitch has a Barbie Glitter Phone. Brit Brit says everyone on her phone is so nice and is always asking her what she's going to wear to Ken's big party! So fun.

Daddy Spears added that when he found the illegal phone with Sam's number on it, "he felt like a threat. It felt like someone was trying to extort my daughter."

The hearing will continue on Wednesday morning and a judge will determine then if the restraining order will get extended indefinitely.

How is Brit Brit getting caught talking on the phone?! I was a master at that shit when I was a kid and we didn't have cell phones back then. Before my mom went to bed, I'd sneak into her room and unplug her phone. That way if she picked it up in the middle of the night, she wouldn't hear me talking on it. Yeah, she'd investigate, but that would give me time to get rid of the evidence and pretend I was asleep! Then I would crawl into the closet (no comment from the whore gallery) and sound proof that shit with as many pillows as I could get a hold of. Then I'd cover myself in blankets and talk really softly. My ass never got caught!

Now Brit Brit is probably on phone restriction until the end of the summer! And Daddy Spears is pissed, so you better believe he's not going to make her his special cheese grits with VELVEETA anymore.

One of these things is made of wax and the other is made of Cheetos. One lights up with the help of a wick and the other lights up with the help of a Lexapro-infused Frapp! Okay, enough of that. Brit Brit has a new wax figure and that shit is pretty much the real thing. Same pan-fried weave, same Krispy Kreme-glazed eyes and matching Chiclet teefs! They can probably have a really deep and meaningful conversation together about how Pop Rocks should really make lube.

The wax figure just needs a generous sprinkling of Cheeto dust. Also, if they could make that shit wet fart chipped beef, then it would be Brit Brit's clone! Seriously, Brit should take the rest of the year off and send her wax figure out on tour instead. Just put that thing on stage, slap a face mic on it and nobody will know the difference.

KFed and Daddy Spears have both taken out their chewed up Bic pens and signed an agreement which states Brit Brit can take her lil' Frapp dumplings on the road with her. The whole show was in danger of being sent to the graveyard, because Brit Brit refused to do that shit unless her baby friends came along to entertain her. Nobody laughs at her jokes or understands her deep meaningful stories the way they do.

TMZ says everything will go on as previously planned. Daddy Spears will set up hillbilly mansions in New Jersey, Los Angeles and New Orleans. Brit Brit will travel to each joint in between shows. KFed will also get his own house in New Jersey and New Orleans.

So what does greedy ass KFed get out of all of this? He gets $5k a week for doing shit! Basically, he can stay at home, sniff at his skidmarks and ponder why Arnold Jackson on Diff'rent Strokes never fully grew.

The new agreement also gives Brit Brit 50/50 custody. Brit will get the kiddies 3 days and nights a week. During certain weeks, she even gets them longer than KFed. That shit will remain in effect after the tour ends.

It's good to be KFed. Renting his kids out has paid off. Shit. For $5k a week, I would use all my powers of imagination to picture Brit Brit as Mah Boo Anderson Cooper so that I could stick it in her possum pie and give her little Cheetolets.

What does Sam Lutfi do all day, really? I'm sure he spends a few hours sticking hot pins in Daddy Spears' voodoo doll. After that, he plays Brit Brit's "From The Bottom Of My Broken Heart," cuddles up to one of her old used-up weave tracks and cries himself to sleep. It's not like he has anything to do, so I'm not surprised that his latest project is a lawsuit against Our Lady of Cheetos! He probably watched Larry H. Parker's commercial on TV and it gave him ideas.

TMZ says that Sam is suing Brit and her parents claiming she broke a contract with him and owes his crazy ass a bunch of cash in unpaid fees. In the LOLawsuit, Sam says her parents "began a campaign of slander, libel and defamation aimed at discrediting, destroying and physically and emotionally intimidating Lutfi in order to drive him out of Britney's life."

If this mess ever finds its way into a court room, Sam is going to have to go wait at the corner gas station while Brit Brit testifies, because she has a restraining order against him.

You know, I kind of wish this would go to trial. Then we all can share a big tub of popcorn (with extra fake butter) and take in all the drama. And Dollhouse Dudes really needs another gig.

I also hope they ask Sam what drugs he put in the special brew of Purple Drank he gave to Brit regularly, because I need a new recipe.

We should have started a damn Dlisted pool about this shit. So many of bitches rolled your eyes and smacked your lips when it was announced that Our Lady of Cheetos would take her beef jerky act on the road. You snapped your fingers and said, "Fuck me with a lubed-up Slim Jim if the show goes on." Well, you might have been right. TMZ says that the "I Ain't Karazy Tour" is in danger of being called off completely. The reason? Brit Brit won't go on the road without her little Cheetolings.

KFed, Daddy Spears and Our Lady of Cheetos were working out a plan so that SPF and JJ can travel with their mama je'e on tour. KFed worked out the deal without help from his lawyers.

The plan is to set up three home bases in the country: Los Angeles, New Orleans and New Jersey. The kids will stay in one of those three places and Brit Brit will meet them there between shows in each area. Brit Brit will pay KFed 4 grand a week and would give him his own place to stay near those three bases. Basically, the 4 grand is "STFU and let me play mommy with my kiddies" money.

Last week, KFed's lawyers found out about this shit and threw a wrench in it immediately. They accused Daddy Spears of going behind their backs and cutting them out. KFed's lawyers aren't amused with the deal for reasons unknown. They are telling KFed not to agree to it.

And sources tell TMZ that if Brit Brit can't take her Cheetolings with her, she will quit the tour.

There's no way KWellFed is going to let $4k a week pass him by. Do you know how many Arby's Beef 'n Cheddars with extra horsey sauce he can buy? He can buy enough to fill his tub with, so he can bathe in that shit. You know that's one of his dreams.

If Brit cancels her tour, I will throw my head back and cackle at all the dumb bitches who emptied out their checking account to buy tickets at three times the price on eBay. I was close to being one of those stupid asses, but then a voice sang in my ear, "Cancelizer! Cancelizer! Cancelizer! Cancelizer!"

Pop out the Raid and put on your insect-stopping boots, Adnan Ghalib and Sam Lutfi are back in the news. Before we get into it. I can't lie. I'd let Adnan stick the tip in and rotate. I know, but it's Friday night and I'm buzzin' it (as my chola cousin would say).

Anyitssuckstobealoneandhorny, TMZ says Brit Brit's lawyers skipped over to the court this morning to get a restraining order keeping Landing Strip and Sam. Daddy Spears and that Wallet dude think that those two roaches tried to sabotage Brit's conservatorship "in a way that would be extremely harmful to her." Daddy Spears also got a restraining order against a lawyer bitch named Jon Eardley. Jon apparently helped Sam to attack the conservatorship. Why do I picture them in G.I. Joe costumes chasing Daddy Spears with paint ball guns?

A source also said that Brit Brit said she is afraid of Sam and Adnan and wants them both in jail. They probably wouldn't mind sharing the same cell since I always had the feeling they were fingering each other's glazed donut holes.

Basically, Daddy Spears is doing the job he is getting paid to do. He should treat himself to an extra lap dance at the Spearmint Rhino in Torrance. You know he totally visits that classy establishment.

And writing about these two fucktards really makes me reminisce about the old days. Sometimes I still sit on the toilet wondering what ever happened to Carla and London the pooch. Someone really needs to do a documentary on this shit. Passengers On The Cheetotrain to Crazy: Where Are They Now?