If you were in junior high school or high school in the 90s, I'm sure you're filing a police report against Mischa Barton for stealing your favorite shredded coochie cutters. The Blake Lively of the early 2000s gave hos several servings of thighs, ass and suffocating crotch while strolling around L.A. in some shredded shorty shorts yesterday.
I remember when we used to shred our own jeans in the 90s. My sister and I would sit on the carpet in the living room and painstakingly (yes, painstakingly, it was hard!) shred our jeans with an X-Acto knife and sandpaper. We'd try hard to make the rips look organic, because if they didn't whores would make fun of you at school. It was hard work! Chirruns don't know how hard we had it. We had to shred our own jeans! (Yes, "We had to shred our own jeans!" is my own version of "Get off my lawn!")
That said, I appreciate Mischa's gorgeous choker and shredded jeans, but if ho really wants to bring the 90s, she needs to bring it hard. This look is all wrong. She should wear black shiny Spandex shorts underneath those coochie cutters, a crushed velvet vest over that t-shirt and some flower Docs. I swear, bitches should have to watch 90210, Clarissa Explains It All and Fresh Prince before they try to dress 90s.
It seems like every month some magazine is stripping the coats of lacquer off of the faces of celebrities and semi-celebrities to show regular women that these famous hos look just like you in their natural states, and this time it was People's turn. People (via Jezebel & Buzzfeed) gave the face painter the day off and took pictures of Zooey Deschanel, Paris Jackson (below), Megan Draper from Mad Men (below), Lily Collins (below), Sandra Lee (I need that picture on my eyeballs NOW), Rose Byrne, Paula Patton and Julie Bowen. The SANS FARDS portrait everyone is talking about is Zooey Deschanel's, because most of us didn't think it was possible for her to remove the doll lashes or scrub away the pink rouge that is splattered on her cheeks to look like somebody pinched her for being so adorkable. Zooey kind of looks like she just got up from her 4th hangover nap of the day. It's kind of weird seeing Zooey look like a grown woman and not like a Kewpie Doll in a brown Holly Hobbie wig.
And Paris Jackson, really? Not only is Michael Jackson moonwalking in his grave (bitch don't roll) over his daughter being photographed without a butterfly mask on her face, but of course she looks SANS FARDS. She's 14! Paris will give us National Geographic cover realness with or without a face full of MAC.
The only reasonable explanation for this is that a swarm of locusts stole Xtina's red lip paint and the guest of wind from the four horsemen riding by pulled the 7 layers of bronzer out of her pores. Because this picture of a nearly SANS FARDS Xtina out with her boyfriend in NYC last night is what the stamp on your Apocalypse invitation would look like. Even her teeth have dimmed out of sadness because they don't have a frame of red lipstick around them. Seriously, this is image is making every cosmetics mogul assume the fetal position while contemplating their futures.
This look is what I like to call "hospital chola." It's what you would see if you visited a chola friend or relative in the hospital after she gave birth to the son she named after an oldies crooner (cholas love oldies more than they love Starter jackets). Bitch is too exhausted to pick up a Sharpie so she slaps on some fake eyelashes, dusts herself with Jordana eye powder and calls it a day.
Since it is Mother's Day, I will stop here. And it's not right for us to slap at Xtina while she's being attacked by a crimped beast who escaped from the compost pile of weaves in Brit Brit's backyard.
The glory days of the former Crackie of Camden posing nightly for the paps while looking like a coke booger that mutated in a puddle of meth pimple pus with a rat's hairball are long gone. So we should cherish every single picture we get of Amy Wino out in the wild. These pictures of Wino with a napping crackhive on her head and a face free of FARDS were taken outside of some studio in London on Saturday afternoon. SO FRESH! SO CLEAN! A fresh and clean Amy Wino is the light the apocalypse sees at the end of the tunnel.
I'm happy that London's health department workers no longer have to set fire to the sidewalk whenever Wino walks around barefoot, but I do miss seeing her looking like a zombie Gargamel. Every now and again, I pull out her pictures from the old days and have a special "they grow up so fast" moment with them.
The motherfucker takes a picture of you SANS FARDS and making a "Is this real life?" face (or maybe that's a "WRONG HOLE!" face) after you've just woken up. And then not only did Russell Brand capture Katy Perry in her most vulnerable state, but then he uploaded onto Twitter for a hot second before snatching it off. THAT BITCH. Katy better get revenge on Russell by taking a picture in his most vulnerable state: without jeggings on. Although, Katy will have to patiently wait until Russell rubs up against a rock and sheds that shit off, because jeggings are definitely his second skin.
via Too Fab
Here is a SANS FARDS and pregnant Celine Dion with her family on the cover of Canada's 7 Jours magazine. This is how the cover of a celebrity weekly is really done, because each one of their facial expressions is a new kind of hilarious.
René Angélil has a look on his face like he's really excited to destroy Flash Gordon once and for all, or slurp your brains out through your ear holes. Celine is giving that look most pregnant women have plastered on their faces 7 out of 9 months. The "I'm over this shit" face, which is also the "I have to piss" face. René-Charles looks strangely excited. I say "strangely excited" because I'd be kind of sad if I no longer had a long luscious unicorn tail on top of my head. Maybe it's hiding under there and he's wearing Anne Hathaway's wig.
And the dog is obviously not amused at the fact that 7 Jours is still bringing up Princess Diana's death.
Teri Snatcher was sick of bitches going on about how her face is filled with enough non-biodegradable materials to make a butt dildo big enough for Tommy Girl, so she posted a bunch of completely organic photos of herself on her Facebook page to shut her haters up. Teri added the following captions with the pictures:
"Thought about all those damn critics of my face. Love it or hate it, my face that is, [it's] no surgery, no implants... no matter what 'they' say. Decided I'd shoot myself in to reveal some truths about 'beauty' and hope it makes you all easier on yourself "
"Did I every toy with fillers or Botox over the years? Yes. Tell me does this look Botoxed to you? Yes I am alone in my bathroom naked in a towel on behalf of women everywhere trying to make a point. Women YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL."
"Just me wanting to teach that all those glam versus trash pictures of celebs are about LIGHTING. It's not makeup, it's not surgery or Botox.... Flat front light in your face, especially sun setting [or] 4pm light blows out all wrinkles and imperfections. Overhead light [and] sun... casts shadows under your eye from your brow, making you look tired. Shoot all family reunion photos [with] the camera man... holding the camera a little higher than your eye line."
In that first picture above, Teri looks like a hongray and wet cat trying to push out a stubborn shit into the litter box. But besides that she looks fine. I believe you, Teri. Your ass wins. White flag up. Teri, you're real and spectacular-ish (not really).
Marie Claire claims they gave their Photoshoppers and make-up artists the day off when shot Jessica Simpson for their SANS FARDS cover. This cover could also be called "Xtina's Idea Of Hell."
Jessica says she agreed to go make-up-less in order to promote her new initiative called "A Beautiful Me," which encourages young girls to love themselves or some shit. Jessica added, "I don't have anything to prove anymore. What other people think of me is not my business."
I know most of you are throwing Jess a "Ho Please Stop" look sponsored by Maybelline, but I'm sure she's telling the truth.
That's not concealer on her skin. That's a $5,000 tinted moisturizer made out of charbroiled placentas. That's not lip gloss on her lips. Ken Paves' butt blew an air kiss on her lips (his farts shimmer). And that's not mascara on her lashes. Jess' lashes are just permanently singed from that time Papa Joe flashed his nipples at her first thing in the morning.
Click here if you wish to see more of SANS FARDS Jess in Marie Claire.
Even the thought of listening to JLo singing au naturale makes my ears want to split like a daughter walking in on her mother with a finger in the oatmeal craisin cookie jar, but this clip could be a lot worse. Don't get me wrong, Celine Dion's vommy barfs sound better than this, but my ears are still attached to my head.
And after the jump is the NSFJ (not safe for Jesus) visual of a daughter walking in on her mother with a finger in the oatmeal craisin cookie jar. It's just what you needed today, I know. JUMP!
Before Beyonce gets doused with a bucket of metallic paint, rolled in rhinestone dust, attacked by a pack of wigs and sprayed with the sweat of a thousand Glittery Gays of YouTube, she looks like this.
This morning in Rio de Janeiro, Beyonce slipped on her custom-made "just rolled out of bed" lacefront and greeted her fans on the balcony of her hotel room. And by "custom-made," I mean Solange was down in the basement teasing and knotting that thing so it could look as natural as possible. Basement Baby gets an A+!