Note to celebwhores who sell their wedding pictures for hundreds of thousands of dollars to the likes of People Magazine: You're tacky, you're trashy and you're doing it wrong. Learn from Levi Johnston who really knows how to do it. Nothing says tact and class like selling your wedding pictures to the highly-respectable news show Inside Edition for a 16 oz. can of Miller Lite High Life, a box of bullets and a carton of Winstons. There's truly something special about your wedding pictures being shown between a story about the 600-pound woman and a baby-cleaning dog.
Yesterday in Wasilla, the unpoppable pimple on the Palin Family's b-hole, Levi Johnston, became someone's husband for the first time when he married Sunny Ogelsby, the mother to his one-month old daughter Breeze Beretta. Levi Johnston, Sunny Ogelsby, Breeze Beretta.... THOSE PEOPLES' NAMES! I guess Wasilla really is the meth capital of Alaska, because Levi's parents, Sunny's parents and Breeze's parents were all on the wrong stuff when their names were chosen. Those don't sound like real-life names. Those sound like the names of characters in a 1970s car chase movie. They should be played by Burt Reynolds, Audrey Landers and Susan Anton, respectively.
Sadly for Levi, his first born, Tripp, wasn't there to say, "Congratulations, faggot!", because Bristol Palin is a bitch who likes to play games. Levi wanted Tripp to be the ring bearer, but Bristol wouldn't let him. Well, there's always next time and there will be a next time, because this isn't Levi's last marriage. Levi was meant to be the dead beat, piece of trash ex-husband to dozens of women.
And in that picture above, as her parents breathe on each other, Breeze Beretta is looking out into the distance and dreaming of the day she'll be able to crawl far away from those two dumb bitches.
Levi Johnston's brain is made of dried moose shit and his decision making skills are as broke as the condom he wore during his first time with Bristol, but you'd think he'd try to be considerate when it comes to giving his unborn daughter a name she has to live with until she's old enough to crawl to the courthouse to change it. But nope! Levi is still trashier and dumber than ever. Levi and the trick he knocked up, Sunny Oglesby, tell Inside Edition (via HuffPo) that they have decided to give their daughter the name of a morning shift cocktail waitress at a strip club/gun shop (or the name of the villain's mistress in a low-budget Bond parody starring Tom Selleck). The name they are writing on her birth certificate is:
BREEZE BERETTA JOHNSTON!!!!!
A name that makes you think of Chris Breezy and Robert Blake at the same time is not a name you should give to an innocent child you're supposed to have love for.
Breeze isn't that bad. Yes, it sounds like the name of a Glade scent you'd use to mask your poop fumes, but it also sounds like the name of a member of a 1970s hippie cult commune that bases its teachings on the album Free to be...You and Me. I can deal with that. But BERETTA!? Beretta isn't a family name either. Sunny and Levi say that they are naming her after the gun. A mess. Why didn't they just go all the way with this foolery? Why didn't they name her God Fart Glock or Queefah Rifle?
And Sunny also told Inside Edition the romantic tale of how Breeze Beretta was conceived:
"We were out at the cabin for like, four days, and forgot the birth control."
I guess Breeze Beretta's fucked up name is the least of her problems....
TMZ says that Levi Johnston is one baby (that we know of) closer to beating KFed, because he has successfully (or unsuccessfully, depending on who you ask) dropped his potent Wasilla seed into a dumb ass girl who is now forever tied to the finest douche Alaska has to offer.
A source tells TMZ that Levi's piece of a year, 20-year-old school teacher Sunny Ogelsby, is only in her first trimester and before this story broke, Bristol didn't even know that her son Tripp is about to become a half-brother. Although, it might've been impossible for Levi to tell Bristol, because the source says that Sarah and Todd Palin are trying to keep him from having any kind of contact with Tripp. Levi recently called up Bristol and Sarah told a lie when she said her daughter was out of town with Tripp.
I have so many questions. How is Sunny Ogelsby a 20-year-old school teacher and not a Kimmy Gibbler-like neighbor on an ABC Family sitcom? With a name like Sunny Ogelsby, she should be a sitcom sidekick with a catchphrase. How is Sunny Ogelsby a teacher at 20 years old? Did bitch skip a few grades, thus missing that Alaskan sex education class where they teach you to line your sugar walls with spermicide-covered rubber before letting that bareback slut Levi Johnston run up in you?
If this wasn't planned, both of these bitches are stupid and would lose every round in Are You Smarter Than A Palin? If this was planned, then both of these bitches are still stupid, but Sunny is especially stupid, because you don't make a baby with Levi Johnston. You just don't. You put a rubber plug in his peen hole, stick the tip in a few times and quit it. What kind of school teacher doesn't know that?!
The only good that can come from this is a truly messed up baby name. These two suck at making life choices, so I'm guessing they'll suck at naming their baby too. I'm thinking they'll go with Wrangler Cloudy Johnston.
Excerpts from Bristol Palin's autobiography titled Not Afraid of Life: My Journey So Far (Working Title: Northern Sexposure) are starting to leak like the broken condom that turned her into America's most famous knocked up teenager, and it looks like we've all got something in common with her! We all got our cherry plucked (or ass cherry plucked in some cases) while completely tanked on life's classiest semi-alcoholic syrup: wine coolers!
Bristol writes that during a camping trip with Levi Johnston and their friends, she got hit by the drunk stick from drinking wine coolers and when she woke up the next morning, her hymen reside was all over his peen. Bristol didn't remember a thing. If only Paul Revere was there to wake Bristol up and warn her that Levi was a comin'. Cut to Whoopi Goldberg saying, "It wasn't RAPE rape." UsWeekly has a piece:
Palin says she woke up alone in her tent, with no recollection as to what happened. Johnston, meanwhile, "talked with his friends on the other side of the canvas."
When she confronted him about their sexual encounter, Johnston, now 21, told Palin what she wanted to hear: they wouldn't have sex again until they were married.
But, Palin writes, they became intimate again shortly after. When she learned she was pregnant in 2008, Palin was on birth control pills prescribed to treat her cramps; it took eight home pregnancy tests to convince her that she was expecting.
Palin's parents, to her surprise, were incredibly supportive. They also reminded her to stay focused on the future, particularly her continuing education. Johnston's reaction was less comforting. "Better be a fucking boy," he told her.
After Bristol birthed out Tripp, she found out that Levi was plugging his Alaskan pipeline into several whores. They broke up for good when Bristol found that Levi put a baby in another girl and named him Bentley, which was Tripp's original name. And of course, Levi has his own book coming out next month with his side of the story.
So basically, before Bristol got jaw surgery turning her into the image of what Punky Brewster would look like if she was adopted by the Kardashians, she was Quinn Fabray from Glee? That means Levi Johnston is like Puck! Well, if you replaced Puck's looks, body and swagger with old moose meat, douche icicles and rocks. Who knew that Bristol's teenage life was produced by Ryan Murphy?
A few months ago, Playgirl went web-only, because it's easier for dudes to click a mouse than turn a page while masturbating. But they roared up printer again just for Levi. The magazine promises all nude "pix," but just like the (NSFWish) internet spread you're still not getting peen. Not even a tip. We get a handful of pit muff. You can develop a case of blue eyeballs all over again! However, I will give Levi a few nipple pinches for his "Someday I Will Be Senator" pose and bronzerface.
And in case you missed it, here's the picture of Sarah Palin and her Alaskan telepalmpter at the Tea Party Convention in Tennessee over the weekend. The note on her hand does not say, "Pick up Levi's Playgirl." It says: "Energy", "Tax" and "Lift American Spirits." Sarah learned that trick from Piper obviously.
Honestly, who cares. The President uses a teleprompter, Sarah Palin uses a 4th grade cheat trick, and Michelle Obama stores all of her speeches in her intergalactic eyebrows of the universe. We all have our ways.
But you know what we really should be ranting and raving about?! The fact that there was a Gaylord tea party this weekend without oiled-up go-go dancers in spandex, poppers and the presence of Gay Al Reynolds. That is the REAL travesty.
And now your loins can exhale, because Levi Johnston's Playgay spread has made its way onto their website. Levi already said that he's not going to drop his Alaskan meat on our foreheads, but he does give us some pubes and full nalgas. Levi's built like a soft-serve cone and his nalgas aren't going to win contests anytime soon, but my no-no isn't going to bitch or moan. It takes what it can get.
I'll stop, so that you can get to the goods already after the jump. By the way, this is not PORN. It's in black and white, so that mean this is high-art. Just tell yourself that while you pinch at your nipples and flick your taint. Also, his Bristol tattoo really adds the touch of elegance this phoot really needed.
UPDATE: Images removed per request, but you can skip on over to Playgirl and drop a few coins to see the nekkidness.