The worst kept secret since John Travolta's love for sweaty man taint was confirmed to be true by FOX today. Steven Tyler, JLo and Randy Jackson will be the judges for American Idol's
LAST 10th season. Oh, remember the glory days when our brains would deflate from trying to make sense of Paula Abdul's incoherent ramblings...and now it's come to this! JLO and Steven Tyler?
Steven Tyler better feed on the blood of a virgin contestant and JLo better break a stool (you decide what kind of stool) with her double down ass to keep us entertained.
But importantly, what in awkward crotch hell did JLo wear to the press conference today? Not even the gayest baby inmate at the gayest baby prison would wear that glittery disaster called a onesie. A chorus line of slits on your front is not the look. We already know where your vagina is, JLo. You don't need to advertise it with a giant V.
This is going to be a looooong season.
At an Aerosmith show in Toronto last night, Steven Tyler, who was dressed like your sexually ambiguous crazy old auntie who spends her weekends buying plastic flowers at yard sales, playfully tapped Joe Perry with his hip. Joe returned the love but he put a little too much gas in his hip thrust and Steven's ass fell into the audience.
Steven did an over-the-top cartoon face as he fell into the crowd, so they probably planned this shit backstage over Metamucil shooters. But still! The last time Steven fell into the audience he broke his hip and ended up slurping up butterscotch pudding in the hospital for weeks! There has to be another way for these old bitches to play with each other without Steven ending up with an IV in his one good vein. Maybe they can rip each other's Bengay pads off or something!
Ryan Gaycrest no longer has to squirt WD-40 into Kara DioGodjuststopalready's locked jaw before every show, because word is that the American Idol producers have put all her shit on the curb. TMZ says that the producers have told Kara "We quit you, BITCH" and so she's following Ellen Degeneres out the door.
Apparently, JLo and Steven Tyler are saddling up, because they are the next bitches to ride the dead horse. TMZ's source claims that next season's judges will be Randy Jackson, JLo and Steven Tyler.
Watching Kara Diowhatever was about as much fun as getting a prostate exam from Edward Scissorhands (Actually, besides the fact that your asshole would like an open faced Philly Cheesesteak afterwards, getting a prostate exam from sessy Edward Scissorhands wouldn't be that bad.), so I'm glad that she's gone. Every time she opened her mouth, I just wanted to throw a wrench in there so her gears would get stuck. But replacing her with JLo? JLO! JLo should be a judge on Tone Deaf Idol, not American Idol.
And I'm all about Steven Tyler as a judge. Wherever there's a trainwreck, you will ALWAYS find Steven Tyler there with a conductor's hat on his head. This should be good.
Steven Tyler (or Motherfucker, The Rainbow if you know what's good) has flushed the Vicodin pills down the toilet and said a fond farewell to his back alley pharmacist, because he has decided it's time to clean his shit up in rehab. 61-year-old Steven told People that he's gotten way too hongray for painkillers, which he took for the multiple stage injuries he suffered during the last 10 years. The Rainbow issued this statement:
"With the help of my family and team of medical professionals, I am taking responsibility for the management of my pain and am eager to be back on the stage and in the recording studio with my bandmates Joe Perry, Joey Kramer, Tom Hamilton and Brad Whitford.
I love Aerosmith; I love performing as the lead singer in Aerosmith. I am grateful for all of the support and love I am receiving and am committed to getting things taken care of."
That's good to hear. Because Aerosmith without Steven Tyler is like Glamberace without eyeliner, me without a no-no or Chicken Cutlets without a camera on her. Sads.
And in possibly related news, Lynne Curtin, the leather dildo from The Real Housewives of Orange County, didn't show up to court the other day. Hmmm....
In case you're just joining us, you should know that Aerosmith is a wreck. And if you ask the band, most of them will say that the thorn in all of their colostomy bags is Steven Tyler (aka Motherfucker, The Rainbow).
Joe Perry already said that Aerosmith plans to go on with the show without Steven Tyler. But last week, Steven crashed one of Joe's concert and declared that he wasn't going anywhere. Well, Joe and the rest of the pepaws think Steven should go far away. Preferably to a little place where they make you talk about your emotions while drinking black coffee. Basically, they think he needs rehab.
Joey Kramer, the band's drummer, told People, "I think that he needs help and that attention needs to be put to his health. He's got some bad influences in his life right now and he's making poor choices." Joey hinted that he thinks Steven is on that narcotic again.
Aerosmith's guitarist Brad Whitford added, "His behavior is spinning out of control. I don't know where he is and what he's doing."
Steven's spokeswhore said that they don't need to worry about The Rainbow! He's simply taking some time off from the band to record his solo album, work on a book and smoke up a lot of heroin. I made that last part up! The Rainbow claims he's as sober as a baby bunny. Actually, I don't know how sober baby bunnies are. Those bitches are always winking and jumping around like a crackhead at midnight. They got that junkie twitch. Hmm...I wonder what's in their food? Now I know what I'm going to put in my bong this weekend.
Personally, I think Steven is just one of those natural crackheads. You know, those hos who act strung out, but aren't. They are primarily known as "Born-Again Christians."
But the pepaws of Aerosmith know Steven better than we do, so if they think he needs to marinate in the tank for a few, then I'll take their word for it. However, they shouldn't even entertain the idea of replacing Steven! THE RAINBOW is Aerosmith.