Wearing a wig that looks better than anything on Nicki Minaj's head and showing Keith Urban what Nicole Kidman would look like if she didn't replace all the blood in her face with coolant, Steven Tyler made nipples moist when he auditioned for four Fraggle Rock refugees as Pepper LaBeija from the House of LaBeija. (+10 points to Steven for that Paris is Burning reference.) Steven Tyler must not have shit to do, because he returned to American Idol last night and looked like he just jacked off a bellboy in exchange for two cots in a storage closet at The Beverly Hills Hotel. Steven Tyler does White Oprah drag better than White Oprah does White Oprah drag.
Here's Steven giving us some Dude Looks Like A Lohan shit:
And I know Steven Tyler's got a dick hole cut out in those control top tights, so yes, yes, I would.
via Daily Mail
Now that Johnny Depp is free of Vanessa Paradis and Amber Heard, he can freely get messy without worrying about getting yelled for smelling like bad decisions, the liquid at the bottom of a bar back's bin and random cooch nectar when he comes home. Johnny smeared some Maybelline eyeliner under his eyes and went out to share a Pink Taco with Steven Tyler at the Aerosmith after-party in L.A. last night.
And if we played the "Who'd you rather let stick the tip in?" game, most of you whores would go with Johnny Depp, because you really want your nethers to smell like patchouli and the finest kind of imported French dick cheese. But I'd go with Steven Tyler, because humping on a humanized Galápagos tortoise dressed like Cher on casual Friday is high up on my list of wants.
After 2 seasons of molesting the lady contestants with his eyeballs, Steven Tyler (aka the most beautiful woman at the judge's table) has broken up with American Idol and won't be back next season. Steven (seen above giving us "Wyoming ranch matron" from the waist up and "rich grandma power walking in a fancy mall at 10am" from the waist down) released his broke up letter to the world and this mess of insane words is more entertaining than anything he said on Idol. This is the kind of crazy I want from Steven Tyler. Steven compared American Idol to Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and threw a meme in there.
“After some long...hard...thoughts…I’ve decided it’s time for me to let go of my mistress ‘American Idol’ before she boils my rabbit. I strayed from my first love, AEROSMITH, and I’m back – but instead of begging on my hands and knees, I’ve got two fists in the air and I’m kicking the door open with my band. The next few years are going to be dedicated to kicking some serious ass – the ultimate in auditory takeover…On Nov. 6, we are unleashing our new album, Music from Another Dimension on the Earth, Moon, Mars, and way beyond the stars…IDOL was over-the-top fun, and I loved every minute of it…Now it’s time to bring Rock Back. ERMAHGERD.”
JLo is out of there too, unless FOX stuffs her honey glazed ham ass with more wads of cash (they won't and shouldn't), and so that just leaves Randy Jackson who is never going to quit that shit since he has the easiest job on TV next to Vanna White. Actually, Randy's job is easier than Vanna's, because she has to do hers standing up.
My choices for Steven Tyler and JLo's replacements are: Antoine Dodson, Sweet Brown, Hoku, Stevie B, a bottle of Vicodin covered in dog hair (an homage to Paula Abdul), a broken Furby and the old lady at my subway stop who always tells the platform performers to shut their mouths. Or FOX can just do to American Idol what Anne Archer did to Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction: shoot it dead in the bathroom. Then FOX will have room its schedule and can buy and bring back the reason why TV was invented in the first place. I'm talking about WB Superstar USA (yes, I'm posting another clip from this masterpiece of a wreck):
Steven Tyler Screams Out The National Anthem Exactly The Way You'd Expect Steven Tyler To Scream Out The National Anthem
"Steven Tyler Butchers National Anthem At NFL Playoff Game" is Radar's headline and it's as obvious as the headline "Michael K Nicks Himself While Shaving Ass Crack In The Shower, Will Sting When He Shits For A Couple Days." It's like, DUH.
When we get Steven Tyler, we know we're going to get a dude who looks like Teri Hatcher's great lesbian aunt (the one who sells hemp tampons at a flea market in Portland) and we know we're going to get a dude who sounds like a deaf coyote getting fucked in the ass with its own tail. Just know that your ear drums will be pounded raw and try to get lost in the twinkles jumping off of his glamorous scarf.
I said a HEY HEY HEY! Steven Tyler got engaged over the weekend and his family is unthrilled. Hasn't he put up with enough shit? A bathtub fucked him up, he endures Jennifer Lopez's "THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME!" side-eye shanks during American Idol time, and he's slowly transforming into Aughra from The Dark Crystal. Just let him be legendary, Tyler family! It's that Liv Tyler. Ever since she over-acted the shit out of stabbing that Rex Manning cut-out to death in Empire Records, I haven't been able to commune with her suspect ass.
Janice "The Muppet" Dickinson 's girlfriend Erin Brady was flashing a rock over the holiday during a vacation in Maui, and TMZ sez that his kids aren't feeling the joy. Erin is allegedly a giant cunt.
Sources connected to the Tyler clan tell us ... several family members have clashed with Erin Brady for years ... and have told friends, "She's just not nice."
One source tells us, "She's just been mean to the family."
How the fuck else are you supposed to ensure your millionaire fiance cuts off his family and leaves all his money to you? Send muffins? You throw shade at them, he asks why, and you get in his ear and tell him his family is a big Satanic cult trying to kill him, and that you're the only pure and true thing in his life. Then you put something in his toothpaste. Has no one seen Black Widow?
This is going to be Stevie's 3rd marriage, and his relatives are also miffed that he didn't let them know he was proposing. Note that he made sure his finger sparkle is bigger than what he gave her to wear on her digit. Call her MISS Tyler.
I love me some Steven Tyler. He reminds us of so many characters from pop culture with the mouth and the shady lady ragbag hippie outfits. He's like the physical embodiment of The Squiggle.
Do not let the state of Steven Tyler's bruised, battered and busted face fool you. There is not a patch of dirt under the wagon with his face print on it. Steven told Matt Lauer on Today this morning that booze nor drugs is to blame for why he looks like one of the Cyrus aunties after fighting Noah for the last jug of XXX at a possum roast.
Aerosmith had to postpone a show in Paraguay by one day, because bitch went boom in the shower. Steven was taken to a nearby hospital where doctors stitched up the cuts on his forehead and dentists replaced the two toofs that knocked out of his mouth when he hit the shower floor.
The Ruth Bader Ginsburg of rock said he that totally understands if bitches think his fall was due to him being a sloppy messy drunk since all of his past falls happened due to him being a sloppy messy drunk. But this time, food poisoning led to his b-hole playing "Shit This Way" on a loop, which led to dehydration, which led to weakness, which led to his face eating shower floor. Steven went on to say that he's 100% sober and "we flew last night from Paraguay after that incident and we're in Argentina for two hours. And anyone who knows anyone who uses substances wouldn't be up at this hour having a talk with Matt Lauer and the rest of America."
Steven's unfortunate accident can be best explained through my favorite song: "When you think your friends are joking but your pants are brown and soaking: Diarrhea, diarrhea! When your chillin’ with your daughter and you feel the poopoo water: Diarrhea, diarrhea! When you ski the Alps of France and your cocoa’s in your pants: Diarrhea, diarrhea! When you're soaping up your pits and your anus starts to spit: Diarrhea, diarrhea!"
If Hugh Hefner can look at that picture above and seriously say, "I would like to this offer this beautiful woman $1 million to pose naked in my magazine," then I'm totally okay with the whole "Lindsay Lohan in Playboy" thing.
That lovely visual is brought to you by Guns 'N Roses drummer Steven Adler who invited TMZ's camera into his tour bus for a little talk and somehow the conversation nose dived straight into Steven Tyler's crotch. Steven Tyler may look like Ruth Bader Ginsburg after a bad trip, but his gavel is way bigger than hers.
When TMZ asked Steven Adler if he's ever tried to inflate his dick situation with ExtenZe pills, he said this: "I've tried 'em. They don't work. After seeing Steven Tyler's rig with five different girls hands wrapped around it, I'm lucky if I take my clothes off after that. I was devastated."
Either the LSD Steven Adler was on at the time gave him fun house mirror eyes or those five girls had Kristen Wiig baby doll hands, because in this NSFW picture I don't see a dick so large that it can share skinny jeans with Steven Tyler. But then again, his peen tip is staring directly at his face so maybe it shrinks when it feels threatened? National Geographic should investigate.
On last night's American Idol, the judges had to take Chris Medina's dreams, gently place them on the floor and use JLo's double mortar ass to grind them into a fine powder that the producers slathered on Gaycrest's highlights to keep his shit shiny. This was especially hard for JLo to do, because her heart wept when met Chris' wheelchair-bound wife (who suffers from a brain injury) during auditions. After JLo gently told Chris that he will not get the chance to butcher an American classic with the Top 24 in the finals, Chris thanked the judges and graciously left the room. JLo, however, turned that shit on like a casting director was in the room and the bill from her jeweler was due!
JLo broke down the way most of us did after the credits from Gigli came up and we realized what we just spent on our time on. JLo thought about the time she caught a glimpse of Skeletor's naked body under full sunlight and she started to cry as Steven Tyler and Randy Jackson consoled her. JLo was worried that she didn't use the right words and was upset that the hammer of rejection that broke Chris' heart was in her hand. MAKING IT ABOUT YOU: JLo is doing it right!
Once JLo wiped the crocotears from her cheek with a cashmere tissue, she got into her chauffeur-driven Maybach and went back to her $50 million mansion where she slipped on her pajama diamonds and continued her cry fest on a silk pillow stuffed with swan feathers. Meanwhile, Chris got in a shuttle that took him back to his economy room at the Ramada where he got on the phone to tell his family that the chick from Anaconda ate his DREAMS! But POOR YOU, JLo!
Yeah, I know some of you are saying, "But Michael, JLo has the heart of Mother Theresa and when you cry, she cries." "But Michael, JLo is as genuine as the diamonds she wears when she takes a bubble bath in Volvic." "But Michael, JLo means it, but Paula Abdul never did." To which I say, NEVAH! While JLo's manufactured sadness came from a jar of Creme de la Tears, Paula's tears were always real! Yes, Paula's tears were a side effect from injecting morphine directly into her eyelid veins, but they were still real!
Guess what? Remember when Steven Tyler broke his bones after falling off the stage during a concert in 2009? Turns out the bitch was high on the wrong shit. You might have to freebase a pill of Lunesta to deal with the shock of reading that piece of information. And Lunesta is the wrong kind of shit Steven was on. Steven admitted to David Letterman last night that he developed an addiction to snorting mounds of crushed up Lunesta pills.
"It's not any news here about my drug use and addictions in the past. A couple years ago, I was snorting Lunesta because of some problems with my feet. That shows you what kind of a drug addict I was, only the finest for me... I was looking for any excuse to get high."
The Steven Tyler of the old days probably double penetrated himself with a shot of heroin in the eyeballs and between the toes. And the Steven Tyler of today is raiding your guest room medicine cabinet for Lunesta. Chasing the dragon has been replaced by chasing that annoying Lunesta moth. But Steven doesn't have to worry about feeding his "Muppet Janice wearing a skin mask" face with sedatives anymore, because he's working with JLo now and I'm sure that's putting him to sleep.
David Archuleta, the always out of breath overgrown fetus from American Idol, was on The Wendy Williams show today and he made the mistake many of us have made a dozen times before: he thought Steven Tyler was a beautiful lady with luscious hair and succulent lips. David tried to play that shit off even though Wendy called him out on it.
And you know Wendy was thinking to herself that she wishes she had Steven Tyler's problems. Why doesn't anybody ever mistake her for a woman?!