Charo

I shouldn't have even bothered uploading pictures of Diane Lane, Richard Gere, Helen Hunt, Eddie Redmayne, Naomi Watts, Sally Field, Helen Mirren, B.Coop and Ben Affleck, because the only trick worth clicking on is the legendary CHARO!!!

The Palm Springs International Film Festival was held in, get this, Palm Springs, CA last night and all of the glow-in-the-dark ceiling stars of Hollywood probably thought they were going to get all of the attention, but the script was flipped when Charo sashayed onto the red carpet. Yes, Charo was dressed like she was there to serve twice-baked potato casserole in the buffet line, but true legendary stars don't need to wear $10,000 designer gowns to dazzle eyes.

As soon as Charo strolled into the room where the awards ceremony was held, everybody turned their chairs away from the stage and faced her. Because it's not every night you get to see Charo's Shih Tzu hairstyle live and in person.

Today's news is filled with nothing but real-life nightmares after real-life nightmares and you kind of just want to get under the covers, crawl to the bottom of your bed and stay there until the world finally collapses. But before you do that, here's some pictures of international treasure Charo cuchi cuchi-ing in the middle of a parking lot in Beverly Hills yesterday. We need just a little Charo right now and that's all I've got.

Frank DeCaro of Sirius XM's OutQ radio asked legendary icon and alleged age trimmer Charo what she thinks about Lady Gaga, and let's just say that she won't be doing her own version of Born This Way called Cuchi This Way anytime soon.

"What I don't like is when somebody copies somebody and just adopts it like their own idea. You want me, I go a little further. I can tell you, to me, Lady Gaga is Madonna with diarrhea!"

Now I know that the tip of Charo's nose is as sharp as a prison shank, but who knew that she actually uses it? Charo straight-up stabbed one of those prosthetic thumbs on Lady Gaga's shoulder by saying that she should change her stage name to Madookie. More of this, Charo!

via Examiner (Thanks Walter)

The red green carpet at The Latin Grammy Awards is always a field covered with delicate flowers whose petals are touched with the finest crystals found in a Michael's sale bin and they did not disappoint this year. Mostly that's because d'Manti chose to rise out of the lotus flower she lives in and grace us with her presence. d'Manti's website tells me that she's a singer, dancer, actress and born entertainer, and her style tells me that she's the kind of elegant lady who will only address you if you oh-so-gently kiss the top of her hand first.

The top of d'Manti says "third runner-up in Spearmint Rhino's Dancing with the Strippers contest" and the bottom says "Gay Al Reynolds' favorite ridin' outfit." The down south pearl necklace is the perfect touch. And d'Manti has so much glamour to give that she changed into a "Carrie does the Ice Capades" dress and walked the carpet again. I must bow.

And as much as it pains me in the soul to say this, I'm sure the sequins on Charo's gown dimmed in honor of d'Manti when she sashayed by. The Queen of the NIGHT!

Those lucky enough to bask in d'Manti's perfectly manicured beauty were: Jesus Albert Miranda Perez, Skeletor and JLo, CHARO!!!, Elvis Crespo, Hebe Carmargo, Jossie Cordoba, the Cuban Rainbow Brite known as Lucrecia and Paloma San Basiliio.

When I grow older and eventual turn into a 69-year-old Spanish woman with a high ponytail and one good cuchi cuchi shakin' dress (it's inevitable), I want to thrust and bust my shit just the way Charo did on The Wendy Williams Show yesterday. Charo is sixty-damn-nine years old and she's still running around like a horny orangutan who desperately needs a scratch!

While weak young pop stars are postponing their shows due to "exhaustion" and "broken limbs", Charo is out there stealing their men and lip-synching for everybody's life! Okay, the truth is Helen Keller could probably lip-synch better than Charo, but that doesn't matter when you've got moves that could give a corpse a boner.

Now we know what the key ingredient in Spanish Fly is. It's the wind Charo makes when she pops that coochie!

It is against my belief system to speak foul about international treasure Charo, so don't try to trick me into addressing the invisible hand pinching her nose or the family of slugs that have taken shelter inside of her lips. I don't believe in many things, but I do believe in Charo (and spray cheese and ceiling stars and puppy pee art and Fun Dips and etc...). You can't break me!

Instead I'm going to celebrate the fact that Charo showed up to a Peta event dressed up like she's 23 years late for a La Isla Bonita theme party. But if Charo showed up wearing coolats made out of CROCS and a shrug made out of UGGS, I'd still cuchi cuchi at her feet.

And here's a bunch of hos who got to throw red petals at Charo's feet last night. In order: Iggy Pop with Nina Alu, Kellan Lutz, Shirley Manson, Lea Michele (either her tampon is falling out or the bitch has to piss), Steve-O, Kelly Osbourne, and Joaquin Phoenix.

While you're sitting in your cubicle today and praying to the gods for a permanently hard dick and/or a fully packed bong to fall in your lap, say an extra prayer for Charo. Charo is BROKEN! Seeing Charo limp through Beverly Hills yesterday makes me want to slap a Gopher!

This means that Charo can't fully thrust her crotch bone and flex her chesticles. Sad. If Charo can't coochie coochie coo, your own coochie isn't going to even bother getting out of bed anymore. And if your coochie stops coo-ing, what's the point of anything?