The World's Most Beautiful Woman was on another talk show last night, because she's not overexposed enough and she won't stop popping up everywhere until the image of her face is embedded into your brain and she starts invading your nightmares. (Note: This finally happened to me last night. I had a nightmare where I went to a party in a barn. A BARN! Goopy was there serving Country Time lemonade in mason jars. Goopy doesn't serve anyone and there's no way she'd serve Country Time lemonade and I don't think she even knows what a mason jar is. I knew it was a trick, so I kept walking.) Goopy was on Chelsea Lately and after Chelsea Handler wet kissed Goopy's 22-year-old stripper ass for a bit, she talked about how good Goopy is at giving advice.
Chelsea said that one time at a dinner party, Goopy's friends cried about a fight she had with her husband. Goopy's friend and her husband were all mad at each other and she didn't know what to do. You'd think that Goopy would tell her that she and her husband are angry, because they eat too much gluten, sugar, carbs and food, so they need to starve themselves until their internal organs are on the verge of shutting down and then they'll be too weak to fight. Problem solved! But instead of saying that, Chelsea said that Goopy gave her friend some different advice.
"[Gwyneth's] an amazing advice-giver. And one of her friends is like, 'I got in a big fight with my husband and I went home and I just wanted to scream and yell,' and you were like, 'Whatever you're doing, do the opposite. If you feel angry, go at him with love and you give him a blowjob.'"
Blowjobs really do solving everything, but I don't know if that's the best advice. You might not know what to think if your piece is screaming at you one minute and then trying to suck you off the next. Does a dude really want to put his peen into the mouth of an angry trick? That's only a good idea if the dude really wants to see his peen sitting in his wife's stomach on an X-Ray. That's some marriage advice from Lorena Bobbitt shit. But it works for Goopy, because ever since she told Chris Martin that she's going to blow him every time he's angry at her, he walks around the house with a smile on his face and a joyous skip in his step!
And Goopy also talked about how Chelsea needs to see a brain doctor, because she asks for the check before entrees are served and she once mistook her gardener's car for her own. Oh, Goopy, that's called being a drunk!
During an episode of The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet, Chelsea Handler said that the only kind of little people that she wants to suck on her chichis are the ones who are fully grown adults named Chuy Bravo. Jennifer Aniston's partner in boozery says that she is a wonderful mother to a bottle of Grey Goose, but she'd be a crap mother to a human baby who needs actual attention.
“I definitely don’t want to have kids. I don’t think I’d be a great mother. I don’t want to have a kid and have it raised by a nanny. I don’t have the time to raise a child.
Childhood was heartbreaking enough for anybody. I don’t know that I could handle my own child, especially if I had a girl, going through what I went through growing up. Not that it was so traumatic, but in many ways, it was in your own way.”
Chelsea would probably be the kind of mother who gives her kid whiskey when it screams too much, does lines off of its bald head when she's breast feeding and when it cries out for her and she doesn't want to deal with it, she'd give it a piece of salmon jerky in a blonde wig to cuddle with (it won't know the difference). I don't see the problem! That's basically what White Oprah did with all of her kids and look how wonderful that turned out.
Here's thrilling footage of Reese "Do You Know My Name?" Witherspoon (prison bitch name: Laura Jeanne Poon) arriving at the police station in cuffs before the officer uncuffs her and leads her inside to get her mug shot taken. I wish there was sound with this video, because I really want to hear her say to the cop, "Really? R-E-E-S-E-W-I-T-H-E-R-S-P-O-O-N? Never heard that name? Legally Blonde? No? Nobody saw that This Means War mess, but maybe Walk The Line? NO? Are you Amish?!"
The footage is so damn blurry that it could be Russell Brand with a padded bra on for all we know, but ho doesn't look that drunk to me. I guess nothing zaps the booze from your system like getting put into handcuffs (and not in a sexy way).
In other Laura Jeanne Poon news, she was supposed to do the talk show rounds this week to promote Mud, but she canceled everything. And Jim Toth is supposedly thinking of checking into rehab since that's what the husbands of DoYouKnowMyNamers do when they get a DUI. And finally, Chelsea Handler told Entertainment Tonight at the E! Upfronts in NYC last night that Reese's arrest isn't that big of a deal:
"She's doing fine. She's doing fine, you know? She was just trying to protect her husband, so...I mean everybody makes mistakes, so it's not a big deal."
Not a big deal?! If this is a big deal for anyone it's Chelsea Handler. Chelsea hung out with Reese a couple of days after she was arrested, so you know Chelsea hugged her, patted her on the back and sang "For she's a jolly good drunk bitch!" to her. Then Chelsea bought everyone in the room shots to celebrate Reese's first arrest for being a drunken mess. So when Chelsea said that "it's not a big deal," she really meant that it was a very proud moment for her.
Here's the human vodka bottle at the E! Upfronts. If you need a quick mid-day buzz, just rub a little olive juice and on your screen and then lick it up. It's like drinking a martini! Yes, you'll probably spit up pieces of burnt leather, but at least you'll get some kind of buzz from it.
Brandi Glanville was seven layers of tanked on Watch What Happens Live last night and when she's drunk, the foolery just flows out of her mouth. Andy Cohen asked Brandi if her arch rival LeAnn Rimes read her book and she wouldn't say anything bad about the Falkor of Texas. Brandi shoved talk of LeAnn Rimes to the side and went after Chelsea Handler instead. Chelsea was on WWHL last week and during the after-show she talked shit about all of the Housewives. Brandi had a message for her Chelsea:
"Like Chelsea Handler was here. She sucked on your show. She was horrible. She wasn't funny, it was completely awkward. I saw the after-show where she was putting down the Housewives. Chelsea, suck it. We know each other... We have the same gaygent and I made out with her lesbian and her assistant and her brother, so she hates me."
Her lesbian? Does that mean Chelsea owns a lesbian? But whatever, who hasn't Brandi made out with? I'm sure 90% of the tongues in the L.A. area have had Brandi Glanville DNA on them at one point or another. Shit, 90% of everything in the L.A. area has been touched by Brandi Glanville DNA at one point or another. If light poles could talk, I'm sure one would tell me that Brandi is all tongue when she makes out. And it makes sense that Brandi hates Chelsea and vice versa. They're both proud drunks, they're both proud sluts and they're both proud wearers of thirsty weaves. They both probably think that the other one is swallowing up the entire world's supply of vodka, peen and yellow weaves.
It's always a sad day when a member of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Forehead Vein goes after a fellow member.
In 2010, Jennifer Aniston's partner in boozing Chelsea Handler said this about Angie Jolie during her stand-up act in New Jersey: “She's a home wrecker, she is. She can rescue as many babies from as many countries as she wants to. I don’t fucking believe you. She gives interviews, ‘I don’t have a lot of female friends.’ Cause you’re a fucking cunt … you’re a fucking bitch.”
In the same year, Chelsea said this about Angie Jolie during an interview with Katie Couric for Glamour: "Yeah, I'm not a fan hers. She just doesn't come off to me as a sincere woman. She seems like a woman that you'd really want to avoid. [Jennifer Aniston] makes me laugh. She's irreverent and hilarious, and she sends me really, really funny e-mails."
In 2012, Chelsea Handler said this about Angie Jolie when More asked her what her idea of a non-girl's girl is: “Probably Angelina Jolie . . . She [Jolie] doesn’t strike me as someone I would have a close friendship with.”
And on Watch What Happens Live last night, Chelsea kept stabbing at Angie's forehead vein with her own forehead vein when she said this to Andy Cohen:
"She seems like a demon. It has nothing to do with Jennifer. As a woman, I know when you see somebody walking across the room that's a bad girl. I just don't like Angelina Jolie. I don't think she's a girl's girl. I like girl's girls!"
How in the hell can drunk ass Chelsea see anything across the room when the room keeps spinning? What really impresses me about this is that Chelsea keeps coming for St. Angie time and time again and nothing happens to her. Angie's godfather God hasn't struck her down, the head of a grey goose hasn't shown up in her bed and she hasn't ripped her eyes out from reading all the insane rants the Brangeloonies send her. I guess sunning your skin until it turns into salmon leather and guzzling down more vodka than any given Lohan really does make you invincible!
Snookitina was on Chelsea Lately (via UsWeekly) last night, which is sort of surprising since Chelsea has spit lukewarm hate at her before, but then again Chelsea hates on everything that isn't a delicious bottle of vodka or Jennifer Aniston's vagine. But Xtina said she only agreed to go on Chelsea Lately if Chelsea went pant-less, because Chelsea always makes fun of her for being allergic to pants. So there's Chelsea sitting pant-less in a chair and Xtina just had to double the UGH by telling everyone she always lets her down low parts flap in the wind.
"I don't like to wear underwear. I like to be as free as possible at all times. It's just who I am. It's empowering. It's pussy power!"
It's "empowering" for Xtina, but weird for the people who now know that whenever they stand around her they're going to breath in the moist air her coochie breathes out. Who needs a humidifier when you've got Xtina's misty poon?
I totally understand why Xtina doesn't even bother with chonies. Drunktina is always boozed up and when you're boozed up, panties just get in the way when you need to squat a piss out behind a dumpster in the Carl's Jr. parking lot you made your piece drive into because your drunk bladder can't wait until you get home. Besides, Xtina has so much pussy power down there that her labia rips off all panties. Bitch has got the Hulk of twats.
With all that being said, I CAN'T with Xtina for quoting the legendary Alexyss K. Tylor without giving credit.
Since Jennifer Aniston and Chelsea Handler regularly party in Mexico together and pass out side-by-side in a puddle of barfed up tequila worms, tortilla chip crumbs and drops of the clear leather shoe polish Chelsea smears on her face to stay glowing, the former was the first guest on the latter's revamped talk show last night. Jennifer Aniston was on there to promote Jennifer Aniston and to also remind us all that Justin Theroux, a human man who breathes oxygen and is not made out of cardboard, "gave her" a 4500-carat diamond ring that she already owned and always kept on her hard nipple knob just in case he was in the mood to propose (aka drank the roofied beer she gave him and didn't put up a fight when she made his hand sign his name on an engagement contract).
Chelsea, who was wearing one of Tootsie's old dresses, said something like, "So you got engaged." Then just like she had practiced all day in front of a three-way mirror, Aniston did a 1... 2... 3... SCRUNCH FACE TO PULL THEM GLYCERIN TEARS OUT 5... 6... 7... FLASH THAT RING BY FANNING THOSE TEARS... That shit was more staged and choreographed than Paul Ryan's soup kitchen visit.
Chelsea then told Jen that Justin is the greatest guy ever and they make the greatest couple ever. I felt like I was sitting on a plastic bench in the quad and chewing on a square slice of pizza while trying not to roll my eyeballs off, because they looked like two high school sophomores slobbering about their boyfriends.
Even though Jennifer Aniston gave the stunt queen performance of her life, I am disappointed in her. I mean, not once did she say that she was so happy she cried out a million tears of happiness and the only way she can quench her tear ducts is by downing a bottle of Smart Water. (*holds up bottle of Smart Water to her face while flashing a smile at the camera*) Actually, Jennifer Aniston's tears probably ARE Smart Water and I bet that ring was made with Smart Water. I stand corrected. Well played, Aniston.
Chelsea Handler must not mind it when a scorned Brangeloonie leaves a severed Grey Goose (The vodka bottle, not the animal. That hurts Chelsea more.) on her doorstep, because she's still throwing shit at St. Angie Jo's glowing halo. Chelsea got banned from heaven's gates back in 2010 when she called Angie a home wrecking cunt during her stand-up act and the ho is at again. During an interview with More magazine (via Page Six), Jennifer Aniston's long lost sister separated at the tequila bottle farted at the mouth about how there's certain women that other women shouldn't trust. When More asked Chelsea what her idea of a non-girl's girl is, she summoned an ice cold, razor sharp side-eye from Maddox by saying this:
“Probably Angelina Jolie . . . She [Jolie] doesn’t strike me as someone I would have a close friendship with.”
Does Jennifer Aniston fill Chelsea's pool with top shelf vodka every time she publicly puts Angie's name on the bitch list, because damn it's like those two got a bet going or something. I love the shade of it all. But Chelsea doesn't have to tell us she's not ever going to make Angie a size -10 friendship bracelet, because we all know that she's the CEO of TEAM JEN. Chelsea hates Angie as much as she hates sunscreen and water that doesn't get you drunk. But does Chelsea know that Jesus transferred his powers over to Angie so that bitch can turn potatoes into vodka and Perrier into mimosas, because that could be a deal breaker.
Human vodka bag Chelsea Handler has spit out a lot of shit about the Falcor/Lamb Chop hybrid that is LeAnn Rimes, but the latter decided to be the bigger person by going on the former's show. And by "bigger person" I mean that LeAnn is a fame whore in the truest sense of the phrase and will gladly look past someone's obvious hate for her if there's a TV camera involved.
LeAnn said that all the shit Chelsea talked about her actually helped her through her divorce, because she was able to laugh at Chelsea laughing at her. Uh huh. There's dick pull #1 from LeAnn. Dick pull #2 came when LeAnn said her skinny ass body happened naturally. LeAnn was a fat kid and as she grew up the fat magically melted off revealing the grown up skeleton of a War Hose underneath. Uh huh. Finally, dick pull #3 came when LeAnn admitted to calling the paps once in a while, but says that they mostly just show up by themselves and it's a thorn in her bony side:
LR: They just follow us everywhere. It's quite annoying. Yes. I get annoyed with myself, to be honest.
CH: That's good to hear. That's refreshing. People want to know that. Now do you know when you're getting your photograph taken. Some people would say that you set the photographs up. Some girls do that. Have you ever done that?
LR: I have actually set a photograph up to get people to leave me alone. Once the photographs are taken then they're done. It's not something that you go do often..... The really really freaky things... Like we'll set photographs up for our wedding so we know everything's taken care of and it's going to be done the way we want to do it.
CH: Like pictures don't get out that you don't want to get out. Private photos. This is a good lesson in paparazzi.
LR: True. But yeah, certain ones where I'm like picking a wedgie out of my butt in a bathing suit. I definitely didn't set that up.
If only this bitch could pull her eyelids out of the squint position to clearly see all of us rolling our eyes at this. Like any of us are buying this shit. I mean, somewhere there's a crumpled up piece of paper in a paparazzo's pocket that has GPS coordinates written on it over a note that reads: "At exactly 14:00, I will pick a wedgie out of my butt in a bathing suit. Get that in hi-res. It will be perfect for The National Enquirer's annual Beach Bloopers cover."
Click here to see LeAnn on Chelsea if you care. And here's Mr. & Mrs. Squint at a pre-Grammy party last night.
Yes, Chelsea Handler's nostrils look like they work most nights sucking up what's ever good and she's got the sweats that a bitch usually gets when the last line has been snorted up and her dealer isn't answering his main line, but that doesn't mean shit! But Page Six is still trying to say that Jennifer Aniston's tequila sister was kicked out of a men's room stall for nostril swallowing a little Lohan powder with some dude in gold shoes.
Chelsea's piece Andre Balazs, who owns a bunch of hotels and shit, threw a party on a docked boat in NYC last week and she showed up early in the night. The source says that Chelsea guzzled down holy water (aka vodka on the rocks) when she got there, but as the night called for stronger shit, she disappeared down into the men's bathroom with a dude in gold shoes. A bouncer quickly caught them and made both of them do the walk of shame out of the bathroom.
Chelsea's rep says she was never kicked out of the men's bathroom and this story is a fat line cut with LIES.
Let's say this story is true and Chelsea was doing the Elvira Snort in that stall (she was totally doing the Elvira Snort in that stall), why would she get kicked out? Was is the point of fucking a hotel mogul if you can't do illegal shit at his parties? Chelsea should think about that the next time she does a line off his ass lips. And I guess when you don't have a mirror handy and the toilet seat hasn't been disinfected, a gold shoe is the next best thing to snort a line off of.