You Learn Something New

Season 590,989,999 of Dancing for Twitter Followers premiered last night, and it was mostly filled with stiff moves that only a necrophiliac could fap to (I'm looking at you, Chris Jericho) and awful Kellie Pickler impersonations (and now I'm looking at you, Chelsea Kane). But the big surprise came when 60-year-old Kirstie Alley and her partner Maks (who was dressed like a waiter on a 70s-themed gay cruise) busted onto the stage and worked and twerked it like John Travolta's ass lips on a Dominican dick. Kirstie's girdle has rips that are older than some of the contestants on that show, and she put them all to shame! It was Monday pizza party night in the Scientology men's dungeon (and I mean this NSFW kind of pizza), and all the dudes took mouths off of the peenaroni for a second to cheer on Kirstie!

It's not that I'm shocked that Kirstie can move (I mean, I'm sure L. Ron Hubbard blessed her with the twinkle dust that flies off of John Travolta's heels a long time ago), but the inside of her head seems as cluttered as a Hoarder's garage freezer, so I didn't think she'd be able to focus and learn that shit. But she proved me wrong. Now on to the other side of rhythm coin....

Wendy Williams.......... How..... dread...... ful....

I've seen discarded, water-damaged wigs that blow in the wind with more rhythm than this.

In Sammy Hagar's new memoir Red: My Uncensored Life in Rock, writes about almost everything from Van Halen's drug days to the "sex tents" under the stage. But one thing Sammy doesn't really get into in his book is how aliens once abducted, probed and downloaded something into his head. This is what happens when you drunkenly stumble into a Scientology glory hole with your pants around your ankles. NO! Sammy Haggard says this really happened. Sammy's co-writer wouldn't let him get into the alien fuckery in his book, but he did tell the story to MTV Hive.

Put on your tin foil hats and get into this! If you don't want to mess up your hair, put on your tin foil genital hats and get into this!

Okay, let’s just cut to the chase. I’m just going to come out and ask it. Have you ever been abducted by aliens?
I think I have.

What? Really? I was kidding. You seriously believe that?
[Laughs.] Now you’re making me sound like a crazy person.

How is that crazy? I wasn’t there, I don’t know what happened to you.
Remember the story in the book, where I have a dream about being contacted by aliens in the foothills above Fontana?

Yeah, yeah, I’ve got the page right here. “I saw a ship and two creatures inside of this ship… And they were connected to me, tapped into my mind through some kind of mysterious wireless connection.” You’re telling me that wasn’t a dream?
That’s right. It was real. [Aliens] were plugged into me. It was a download situation. This was long before computers or any kind of wireless. There weren’t even wireless telephones. Looking back now, it was like, “Fuck, they downloaded something into me!” Or they uploaded something from my brain, like an experiment. “See what this guy knows.”

And this actually happened?
That happened. That friggin’ happened, I’ll tell you right now. Another thing happened when I was about four that I didn’t put into the book. One time I saw what I considered to be, well, at the time I thought it was a car with no wheels. We lived out in the country and I saw this thing floating across a field, creating this big dust storm. I threw rocks at it and shit. And I don’t know what happened after that.

You blacked out?
I guess. I just have no memory of it. And that wasn’t a dream. It was during daylight.

I can understand your apprehension. Alien abduction is a tough sell.
Especially back a few decades ago, when this stuff happened to me. I couldn’t talk about it because I didn’t know how to explain it. I didn’t understand the technology. But now I’m pretty sure it was a wireless situation. Either a download or upload. They were tapped into my brain and the knowledge was transferred back and forth. I could see them and everything while it was happening. There was a visual involved, almost like … I don’t know. [Laughs.] Don’t get me going!

Sammy better look outside his window, because Shelley Duvall is parked on his driveway and using her car's headlights to blink out the message "I Nanu Nanu You" in Morse code.

I ate at one of Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo restaurants before and afterward I felt like my ass was about to give birth to an alien, so this does make sense. But Sammy still has nothing to worry about. When the aliens tried to connect to his brain wirelessly they kept getting a request timeout error and so they moved on. No knowledge was transferred!

In the new issue of Out Magazine, Noah Michelson asks Brit Brit Spears who thinks she was in a past life and she answered with: Audrey Hepburn. Never mind that Audrey got her angel wings in 1993 and Brit was born from a Frito-Lay mixing machine in 1981, she's absolutely right. Audrey and Brit are both the epitome of graceful elegance. Both inspire couturiers to design full fashion collections based on their timeless beauty. Both can finish a bowl of mashed corn fitters with no hands. And both are known for making jokes about how they think their butt just wet autographed their panties with a fart (they didn't nickname Audrey "My Fart Lady" for nothing). Audrey Hepburn = Britney Spears. Exactly the same!

Here's a few pieces from the interview (get the whole thing here):

When you were starting out, whose career did you want to mold yours after?
Madonna. No question. She is an amazing entertainer. Besides Madonna, I also admire Sarah Jessica Parker’s career and her shoe collection.

Are there any of your songs that you wish you hadn’t recorded/you don’t really love?
No. All of my songs are f–ing amazing.

How is Femme Fatale different from your other albums?
I think Femme Fatale is my most upbeat and mature album yet.

Assuming reincarnation exists, in a previous life I think I was...
Audrey Hepburn, because she was a trend setter.

Assuming reincarnation exists, in my next life I’d life to be...
A bird, so I can fly.

My idea of hell is...
Being on a diet.

My idea of heaven is...
A trip with my kids.

What is the best advice you’ve gotten and who was it from?
My mom said when you have a bad day, eat ice cream. That’s the best advice.

What is the worst advice a record executive ever told you?
Someone once told me that the "…Baby One More Time" video should be me as a superhero fighting a giant robot monster.

What women (living or dead) could make you think twice about your sexuality?
I only have eyes for men.

Who is your favorite Golden Girl?
Betty White, because she’s so sweet and innocent.

How do you feel about plastic surgery?
When it’s time to pull and tuck, I’m sure I will consider it.

I first learned about sex...
When I was 12 years old. From my mom. I was confused and disgusted.

Kissing Madonna was...
Cool.

You’ve been married twice -- once for only 55 hours. How do you feel about gay marriage?
I think everyone should be treated equally.

Lady Gaga is...
Unique.

Christina Aguilera is...
Truly talented.

The Brit Brit of a couple of years ago would've answered every question by saying "Huh?! VENTI!", so she's come along way. Actually, I think she did answer every question like that, but Noah is fluent in Cheetonese so he figured it out.

And here's a few pictures of BS that were built by Photoshop.

Did Mercury jump out of retrograde and dive into a pool of fuckery, because stranger than strange things are going down. Lump this item from Page Six into that category. Susan Sarandon isn't throwing a come hither pose at Judah Friedlander for the cameras. Page Six is saying that Susan's really body wants to hump that trucker hat right off of Judah's head. And apparently, she did.

Susan's supposed intimate relationship with that ping pong dude must be non-existent, open or casual, because a source tells Page Six that Susan got on Judah after shooting a guest spot (as his maybe love piece) on 30 Rock last month. An "on-set source" says they definitely "hooked up." But Judah kept coy and wouldn't confirm or deny that he ta-ta-ta-ta-touched Susan like that.

"You know, one of my New Year's resolutions is to only go out with Oscar winners. I just can't say either way what's going on with me and Susan."

Post-Tim Robbins Susan really does have a thing for nerdboy-looking dudes who "may or may not" have seen a real-life vagina that doesn't belong to one of their relatives. But you know, I'm all for it. If there's any cougar out there who could whip a peen into shape and show a fanboy the art of l'amour, it's MS. SARANDON!

The mysterious condition that grabbed onto Serene Branson's brain and caused her to spit out a scrambled Scrabble board has been solved. When the clip of the KCBS 2 reporter went viral on Sunday night, hos (including this ho) suddenly became WebMD graduates and used their expertise to say that she suffered a minor stroke, or a seizure, or an allergic reaction to Arcade Fire's performance. Serene allowed her doctor to talk about what fucked her up and he says that we're all wrong. It was a complex migraine. A migraine that scratches just like a stroke, but still a migraine. From The L.A. Times:

Serene Branson's garbled speech during a live Grammy broadcast last Sunday was not the result of a small stroke as many have speculated but was instead a symptom of a "complex migraine," according to her physician, Dr. Neil Martin, chief of neurosurgery at the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center.

A complex migraine can mimic the symptoms of a stroke, with weakness, loss of vision and difficulty speaking, in addition to a headache. It is often mistaken for a stroke.

One theory about the cause of complex migraines is that blood vessels in the brain suddenly narrow, or spasm, and then dilate again. When they dilate, the headache develops. But during the spasm phase, certain parts of the brain receive too little blood, causing the stroke-like symptoms. The neurological symptoms are nearly always temporary.

Who knew? But now we know. KCBS2 has already said that Serene is fully recovered and is hoping to get back in front of the camera very soon.

And now that Lindsay Lohan knows what a complex migraine is, expect her to use this in the future. "I didn't type that! My Twitter had a complex migraine."

Instead of having a conversation about the fact that Katie Couric still has Jonathan Bower hair in 1994, the curious minds at Today ask what the mysterious land of question marks called Internet is exactly? Do dragons live there? What's the answer to the riddle the troll guarding the gate asks? How does it work? Their conversation is basically the lyrics to an Insane Clown Posse song. It's also the thought process Tom Cruise goes through when faced with a live vagina.

Was 1994 that long ago? It doesn't feel like yesterday when I was spending 8 hours trying to log onto AOL to spend 3-minutes in a gay chat room before getting knocked off because some cock blocker was calling for my sister. Time flies when you're trying to connect via a phone line.

And seriously, I just want to be the voice of the future and tell these cavemen of the past that the Internet is a place for you to stalk your exes, stare at cat videos, watch easy access porn and laugh at bitches from the 90s trying to figure out what that @ symbol thing is.

via Warming Glow

This is what happens when you watch too much Sex and the City, especially any scenes with Charlotte York. Jennifer Love Hewitt has been dating Alex Beh for around 7 months and she tells Ellen (via UsWeekly) that she's made it extra easy for him if he ever choose to ask her to be his future ex-fiancee. JLove doesn't care if the dude promises to be with her no matter how many shit Lifetime movies she does. All she cares about is the ring. JLove, who puts the rat in desperate, already has 3 rings picked out.

"I actually have three because I feel like I'm doing the guy a favor. Women are very confusing. We never know what we want and we're not very good at nailing that down for them. I feel like I don't want to be upset if he picks a bad ring.

If it gets to that conversation. If marriage comes up, I'm like, "You know what's so weird. There is this store [Tiffany's] and there are three rings in it... And if you chose one of these three, I'm going to be really excited. And if you go off on your own, we can have an awful, awkward moment. So why would you want to do that?"

You know what really makes an awful, awkward moment? Telling your boyfriend that you've already picked out three engagement rings and he'll make the biggest mistake of his life if he doesn't choose one of them. Hopefully, the people at Tiffany's have Alex's back if he decides to go there. They'll show him the three stupid rings as well as a diamond noose and a diamond vajazzle kit to give to JLove as a break-up gift. Just so he knows what all of his options are.

Guess what? Remember when Steven Tyler broke his bones after falling off the stage during a concert in 2009? Turns out the bitch was high on the wrong shit. You might have to freebase a pill of Lunesta to deal with the shock of reading that piece of information. And Lunesta is the wrong kind of shit Steven was on. Steven admitted to David Letterman last night that he developed an addiction to snorting mounds of crushed up Lunesta pills.

"It's not any news here about my drug use and addictions in the past. A couple years ago, I was snorting Lunesta because of some problems with my feet. That shows you what kind of a drug addict I was, only the finest for me... I was looking for any excuse to get high."

The Steven Tyler of the old days probably double penetrated himself with a shot of heroin in the eyeballs and between the toes. And the Steven Tyler of today is raiding your guest room medicine cabinet for Lunesta. Chasing the dragon has been replaced by chasing that annoying Lunesta moth. But Steven doesn't have to worry about feeding his "Muppet Janice wearing a skin mask" face with sedatives anymore, because he's working with JLo now and I'm sure that's putting him to sleep.

via HuffPo

When Nicole Kidman stared at her bathroom mirror and said to herself, "My name is Nicole Kidman and I AM a Botox user," even her surfboard forehead twitched at the STUNNING admission! It had no clue! After years of denying that she's dabbled the filler needle on her forehead, Nicole gives us a confession worthy of a "Yup, I've Used Botox" cover of People Magazine. Nicole tells some unnamed Germany magazine (via Daily Mail) that she's messed with Botox before, but she's happy to announce that her face is now preservative free and would fit right into any organic section at any grocery store. Go ahead and raise your brow even though Nicole physically can't.

The interviewer from the unnamed German magazine (aka ProbablyMadeUp Weekly: German Edition) asked Nicole how she keeps her face as smooth as a mannequin's crotch. Nicole responded with: "I’ve tried a lot of things but apart from working out and a good diet most things don’t help. I even tried Botox but I didn’t like how my face looked afterwards. Now I don’t use it anymore - and I can move my forehead again. I am completely natural. I have nothing in my face or anything."

And seconds after Nicole said that last part, the skin worms on her mouth sprung a leak and Juvederm sprayed everywhere. Nicole's assistant had to run up and plug the leak with epoxy putty. But yeah, completely natural!

Mimi's voice already has the power to gently milk massive amounts of happiness from the utters of emotion inside every one of her loyal lambs, and now the Daily Express says she has the same effect on goats! Sort of. A farmer at the St. Helen's Farm in England can't explain it, but he says whenever they play Mimi's Christmas album the goats pump out an extra pint of milk each day. THIS IS NEWS!

Farmer Angus says the milk maids are sick of hearing Mimi's unicorn yodel, but he keeps it on because it makes the goats extra lactate-y. Ugh. Farmer Angus explained it like this, "We are absolutely dumbfounded by the difference playing this song has made to the goats. Our milk maids started listening to the radio when they were milking them. They immediately noticed the animals were more relaxed and started producing more milk as a result. When one of the girls brought in a CD of Christmas classics they seemed to perk up when the Mariah Carey song came on. It’s really upbeat and they seem to love it. I think the staff here are sick of it now but unfortunately it works for the goats.”

I've heard stories about how Mimi's supersonic melodic wail can cause car alarms to scream and garage door openers to malfunction, but who knew it can also make goat nipples widen. Or maybe Farmer Angus has it all wrong. Maybe those goats can't stand Mimi's Christmas shit so they push out as much leche as fast as possible so the milk maids can turn off the music and leave them the hell alone. Come to think of it, my nipples do get a little sore whenever one of Mimi's Christmas songs play in a department store.