You Learn Something New

I know there had to be a good and reasonable reason for why I've always looked at Mary Murphy as one of the animals in my spirit animal menagerie and here it is! Radar says that ballroom dancer turned So You Think You Can Dance judge Mary Murphy has been sued by her former manager Michael Sanchez for breaching their contract by firing his ass in 2010. Michael says that Mary owes everything to him since he saved her job on SYTYCD and her life by helping her through coke and cock-fueled breakdown after coke and cock-fuled breakdown. Michael is suing Mary for $1 million in lost commissions and shit.

In the lawsuit filed on Monday, Michael Sanchez states that he became Mary Murphy's manager in 2006 and stayed with her even though she was a human nightmare and regularly drove her hot tamale train through a pile of coke before crashing onto a hard dick. Here's just some of the shit Michael is accusing reality TV's answer to Lindsay Lohan of:

- Mary is a "desperate, cocaine-fueled nymphomaniac" who wet humped on all sorts of shady men including crew members from SYTYCD and Chelsea Lately. (Side note: Chelsea Handler has never been so proud in her life!)

- The security for Mary's apartment building once broke into her home and found her unconscious after a night of snorting the bad shit.

- During a business trip to Australia, Michael waltzed into Mary's suite and found a naked SYTYCD producer in her bed and a pile of coke on her nightstand.

- Mary repeatedly violated national game show laws and FOX TV rules by secretly coaching her favorite SYTYCD contestants.

- Mary was always drunk during tapings and hid the sweet nectar in her plastic Coke cup. ("Bitch stole my trick!" - Paula Abdul)

So what Michael's saying is that Mary Murphy is a coked up, peen-hungry 2-liter Coke bottle of crazy? That sounds about right. If the judge needs concrete proof that Mary Murphy is a spastic cokehead, here's Exhibit: Every Letter in the Alphabet:

My description of a "peen-hungry 2-liter Coke bottle" reminds me of the time as a kid when one of my friends pulled his peener out at a backyard birthday party and stuck it in a 2-liter bottle of Shasta. There's a time and a place for sticking your tiny peener in a 2-liter Shasta bottle and that wasn't one of them.

And the producers of Liz & Dick should read ever word of Michael Sanchez's lawsuit, because they're going to file the exact same lawsuit against Lindsay Lohan in a couple of months.

Earlier I said that Carey Hart licked his finger and burned Katy Perry on Twitter last night when he said that she copied one of his wife's performances and his wife did it better. Well, forget I said that and while you're at it forget that you twisted your nipples this morning to these hot pictures of the sexual napalm that is Tan Mom (I know you did). Carey Hart didn't throw hate at Katy Perry for swinging around on a sex swing, but he did throw hate at Chris Brown's Billboard Music Awards performance last night. Carey says that Chris Brown took one of his wife's old performances, put it on one of the copiers at Kinko's and re-labeled it as "Turn Up The Music." Carey clarified his shit today on Twitter:

I love twitter! To clarify i was talkin trash bout CB performance, 2 years ago my wife had the same set and actually sang "Raise ur Glass"

Looks like someone else's fans got a bit wound up! Funny, that performance looked real familiar to.

And last night, Pink got into the Difficult Brown bashing too by hating on Chris Brown for moving his mouth to a recorded track instead of singing live.

one day if i lipsync, i hope i do it as well as him....

for the record; i luv me some Katy, so y'all can jump off that run away train, k? i stand behind, always have and always will, LIVE SINGING

NOW EVERYBODY GO HUG SOMEONE! i just did. :) have a fantastic day

I've never had a problem with lip-synching (coming from a bitch who has watched every episode of Puttin' on the Hits), but Chris Brown sucks at it. If Chris put as much effort into lip-synching as he puts into being a spoiled piece of throbbing shit, he'd be the Puttin' on the Hits champion. But when Chris lip-synchs, it looks like a dog trying to drink water out of a garden hose. Just moving his mouth hoping to catch one of the lyrics. So I say, keep fucking that chicken, Pink and Carey!

In related news, John Legend's fiancee Chrissy Teigen called Chris out on Twitter for lip-synching and Team Breezy attacked her hard. They said she needs to kill herself and said John Legend needs to leash his ho. It's impossible to take Team Breezy seriously when their name sounds like the name of a pro-queef group. Actually, they kind of are a pro-queef group.

You see Tommy Girl making the rock 'n roll sign, but I see Tommy making the salad tosser sign. Well, I can't help it that I see a tiny butt crack when Tommy puts his ring and middle finger together.

To sell his new movie Cock of Ages, Tommy worked his weave and flexed his cum gutters for W Magazine (click here to see all the piping hot heterosexualness) and also gave an interview to Playboy. (When Tommy says he reads Playboy for the articles, nobody accuses of him of lie-telling.) In the interview with Playboy, Tommy talks about never tucking his face, acting the fool in interviews and sending his lawyers after gossiping bitches. Tommy actually sounds like his head is on earth with the rest of us and not floating up in Xenu's kingdom, and that tells me that Scientology's doctors must have invented a "vitamin" that temporarily sedates the crazy in a bitch. Here's a few choice quotes from Tommy's tea time with Playboy:

On how he maintains his beauty at the age of 49: "I honestly have no idea. [laughs] I work. I’m always with family. I train, go without sleep. I just go hard."

On if a plastic surgeon's scalpel has ever touched his face: "I haven’t, and I never would."

On how 30-year-old Tommy is different from almost 50-year-old Tommy: "I’ve always had the same values. Family for me has always been important. When I shoot, everybody comes. When Kate’s shooting, I’m there with her and the kids. We’re always together. I’m always around my mother and sisters. I always wanted to be a father, a husband. And I’ve always had a work ethic. I’ve had paying jobs since I was about eight years old—cutting grass, raking leaves, paper routes, selling Easter cards and Christmas cards."

On how Def Leppard was amazed by his voice when he sang one of their songs for them (prepare your eyes for rolling): "Well, the lead singer, Joe Elliott, points at me and goes, 'Fuck you! Fuck you!' Then I saw big smiles on their faces, and I realized I’d gotten their stamp. It was a very cool moment. It was important they knew I was honoring their music and not making fun of them."

On jumping on Oprah's couch and spewing crazy shit about Brooke Shields' postpartum depression: "I agree with you, and I never meant it that way. When I go back and look at it, I find myself thinking, I don’t feel that way. I get how it came across, but I don’t feel that way, and I never have. Telling people how to live their lives? I saw how that came across and how pieces were edited."

On if he's keeping his mouth shut about Scientology: "What’s interesting is, if I don’t talk about my religion, if I say I’m not discussing it or different humanitarian things I’m working on, they’re like, 'He’s avoiding it.' If I do talk about it, it becomes, 'Oh, he’s proselytizing.' Reviewing the whole thing and how things can be edited and misinterpreted, I decided, You know what? Here’s the deal. I take responsibility for what happened, but everyone now knows that if I am dealing with humanitarian things, I will talk about that. When I’m promoting a film, I’m not going to get caught up in anything else, and that includes all my personal things."

On if he ever thought the couch jumping and anti-anti-depressant rantings would screw up his career: "No, I really didn’t. But it was important to me to take responsibility, take a hard look and decide where I go from here. That time was interesting. It was that moment when the internet had really spun out. It was a learning experience for all of us, how these things go. All you can do is learn and say, “This is the way it’s going to go from now on. Here is the line.”

On why he's sued over shit written about him or his family: "They know I mean it, that if I have to, I will sue. You start with a letter saying, 'Okay, you know it’s not true. Apologize.' There is a point with a lot of things when you just go, You know what? I don’t want to waste my time with this. I’m busy. I’d rather spend this time with my kids and my wife, at home or on our movies, creating a life together. If you have kids, it is the most important thing to create good times.

On how he recently uploaded a screenwriting program into his Stepford Beard's hard drive: "She is an extraordinary person, and if you spent five minutes with her, you’d see it. Everything she does, she does with this beautiful creativity. When she becomes interested in something, she doesn’t talk about it, she does it. One week I said to her, 'You’ve been up in the middle of the night. Is everything okay?' She smiled and then threw this thing on my desk and said, 'I wrote this script.' She wanted to try it, and she did. She wanted to try designing clothes, and now her line is wonderful and, to me, an example of how she just creates beautiful things in her life. She has a voice and warmth as an artist, as a mother. She’s funny and charming, and when she walks into the room, I just feel better. I’m a romantic. I like doing things like creating romantic dinners, and she enjoys that. I don’t know what to say—I’m just happy, and I have been since the moment I met her. What we have is very special."

Sort of kind of sane, right? That said, I don't know if I buy that the thetans on his face aren't weighed down with plastic, but then again regular facials in the Scientology men's sauna probably does wonders for the skin. And why didn't I ever notice that Tommy's tongue looks like a peen with a swollen tip?

Ted Nugent is not normally the kind of trick I post about, but I wouldn't be able to get drunk and fall into a temporary coma tonight without telling you how your wet parts can win a one-on-one date with his lips. If you follow that boring political shit, then you already know that the Secret Service have pried themselves off of Colombian call girl coochie to investigate Ted for saying that he's going to be dead or in jail if Obama gets re-elected. While defending his own ass during an interview with CBS, Ted went on a serious fuck-filled rant and ended it by threatening CBS reporter Jeff Glor with a good time:

"I'm an extremely loving and passionate man, and people who investigate me honestly, without the baggage of political correctness, ascertain the conclusion that I'm a damned nice guy...and if you can find a screening process more powerful than that, I'll suck your dick. Or I'll fuck you, how's that sound?"

So now you know that all you have to do is find a screening process more powerful than THAT and Ted will gladly tickle your crotch huevos with the goat pubes on his chin. You're welcome!

via E! News

Most tricks who have nose fucked Simon Cowell between his furry chest turnovers pray every night that another soul never finds out, but glamorous British trash Alicia Douvall isn't like most tricks. Alicia, who is best known around these parts for committing premeditated titty abuse, isn't happy that her name is nowhere in Sweet Revenge, the unauthorized biography about Simon Cowell's life. So what's a fame whore to do when a biography writer won't let her be great? She runs off to The Sun (via Daily Mail) to tell them about her precious moments with Simon Cowell's titties. Alicia's six months with Simon started when they met at a bar in 2001. After a few dates, they finally bumped wet parts and Alicia says they didn't stop until her pussy practically submitted a transfer request.

"On the third of fourth date we ended up doing it 11 times in one night... We started having sex and went on through the night. We slept a little bit in between but only for a few minutes.

Every time we had sex he would analyse my performance just like a judge on the TV and say how there could be an improvement next time."

So this is how Alicia is paying for her 4,965th titty rotation. Simon obviously slipped a check between her plastic baby head titties to say this. Like Simon really fucked Alicia's ugly toe off. Please. They didn't do it 11 times in a row, because if they did his neighbors would've called the bomb squad after smelling the toxic scent of curdled grease and burnt Tupperware coming from his house. But I do like the thought of Simon critiquing a ho after sex. "That last queef was really pitchy. You fuck like a cruise ship performer on Dramamine. It reminded me of the kind of fuck you'd have at a wedding reception."

But you know, maybe I'm totally off base and Alicia is telling the truth. She does have a glimmer in her eye like she's seen the light peeking out of Simon's nipple hole as his chichis bounced up and down while he hit it from the front. I mean, watching Simon's titties bounce IS a spiritual experience.

Without further comment, here's human roid and noted thinker Jose Canseco giving us his thoughts on how global warming could've saved us from "My Heart Will Go On."

via Buzzfeed

While promoting The Lucky One in Australia, Zac Efron was asked by radio hosts Mel & Matty (Side whisper: The boy one looks like an SNL cast member playing Zac Efron in a skit) to demonstrate his impressive one-handed bra removal trick. That's cute, but Zac doesn't ever have to strain his precious fingers by taking off a bra. Zac just has to raise his perfectly-manicured-at-an-exclusive-brow-salon-in-Beverly-Hills eyebrow and the clothes magically drop and the body magically contorts into the spreadeagle position.

But on a serious note...

Is this a strike against the gay rumors or does this tell us that Zac can snap off a jockstrap with the flick of a wrist? Whatever the case may be, this just made John Travolta's titties perk up like they're trying to get closer to Xenu.

via ONTD

An EWWWWWW was heard all around the world a couple of weeks ago when Alicia Silverstone posted a short video on her blog of her doing some Planet Earth shit with her 11-month-old son Bear Blu. Some called her SUCIO and I was more concerned about how our future is becoming lazier and lazier. Children can't even strain their jaws by chewing their own damn food. In the future, robots will suck the caca out of our bodies so we won't have to waste any energy on pushing it out. (Actually, that sounds like a dream. Get on it, NASA!)

Anyway, Cher Horowitz was at a Q&A for her movie Vamps at BAM in Brooklyn over the weekend, and of course someone asked her about pureeing her son's food with her own mouth. Alicia chewed up her response and then spit this into everyone's ears:

“I wasn’t saying this was anything somebody should do. I wasn’t trying to be independent or cause such a ruckus. I’m very glad that I did it. People have been feeding their kids that way for thousands for years. It’s a weaning process. It’s just a thing that has been going on for thousands of years and I didn’t think I was inventing anything.

Honestly, when I posted the video I was not thinking, so maybe I was like Cher. I think it’s adorable and it makes me laugh every time he does it. Every time my husband [Christopher Jarecki] goes to the YMCA, some guy comes over and says, ‘That’s how we do it in the South.' Between him getting those great comments and me knowing in my gut it’s natural and lovely, I really wasn’t trying to tell anybody what to do.”

This makes me spit up chewed pieces of disappointment. Every time I'm in the South, nobody ever barfs creamed pancake into my mouth. Now I feel like I truly haven't tasted true Southern hospitality.

No, that video isn't adorable to me, but it would be hypocritical of me to be grossed out by this. I mean, I've put grosser things in my mouth and sometimes I had to chew it up myself! (Tip: Always ask your piece if they've just eaten corn before you get into anything. I won't go any further than that, but just make sure you ALWAYS ask.)

via ABC News

Sarah Tressler is a professional pussy poppin' stripper who works as a society columnist for the Houston Chronicle by day, and her colleagues are apparently all kinds of pissed at her, because she openly writes about her night job on her blog Diary of an Angry Stripper (book deal + HBO series in 3..2..). Diary of an Angry Stripper is now private, but thanks to Gawker and Google cache, your eyes can still eat pieces of it here.

In one of her posts, Sarah writes about how interviewing certified douche Jeremy Piven for UsWeekly led to his tongue putting her pussy to sleep. Sarah worked as an intern for UsWeekly and one of their reporters sent her to a club in NYC to ask him a bunch of stupid questions. Before this, Sarah says that she wet dreamed about smearing her coochie all over The Piv's canned hair while watching Entourage once. So when Sarah had the chance to hit that, she took it. When Sarah got to his apartment, she started to make small talk before The Piv shushed her up by letting her know that he wasn't interested in getting into her brain. And then, he went down:

GIVE ME THE GREEN LIGHT … GIVE ME JUST ONE NIGHT – I’M READY TO GO RIGHT NOW

This is a good song, I thought as his head maneuvered somewhere below my waist. I was kind of also watching TV – a football game was on mute – and finally starting to come to the realization that John Legend was worth all the hype he was getting at the Sundance Film Festival the previous year.

Sex with someone new is always awkward[6], and sex with someone new who’s also the object of my celebrity schoolgirl desire is very awkward and not enjoyable, no matter how much I want it to be. I alternated between being nervous that I was not as hot as his last hookup, being amazed that I was looking at Entourage’s Ari Gold eat my pussy, and being bored with how mundane it was. It was all somewhat disappointing, frankly.

To make matters worse, I caused a minor accident that could have been disastrous. I get a bit lively when I’m being intimate, and I threw a pillow off to the side at one point, which landed on the nightstand. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a flash of light.

“Jeremy! The candle – !”

Candlelight is so cliché, anyway.

It's not surprising to hear that Jeremy Piven has the Ambien of tongues, but it is surprising to hear that he actually licks chocha. Here I was thinking that Jeremy Piven is a selfish slut who only cares about getting his. I pictured him transforming into a Russian gymnast coach during fuck times and yelling orders like, "Lick this! Suck this! Bite this! Hop on this! Twerk this! Don't yank at the head rug!" I'm not sure I believe this. The Piv doesn't care about the pleasure of others! Did Sarah have a full Brazilian at the time? If she didn't, then I know what he was up to. That wasn't his tongue on her crotch, that was a waxing strip and he was just collecting her pubes to make a toupee! That's the real story.

That being said, Sarah should have her vagina checked for mercury just in case....

And to clear the image in your head of The Piv putting a pussy to sleep, here's a palate cleanser in the form of the other kind of pussy sleeping:

The entire county of Los Angeles has been put on flood alert and every citizen has been given a pair of water wings and told to watch out for floating bits of undigested Slutty Brownies. This happened after Jessica Simpson went on Jimmy Kimmel last night and told him that the reason why she looks like a SpongeBob hot air balloon in a yallaw wig is because she's got three lakes full of baby water up in there.

"I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha.... Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!”

Does that mean when Jessica farts, her three ton belly makes the same gurgling sound a Sparkletts water cooler makes when you flip it over?

I can deal with Jessica naming her baby Maxi Pad and I'm even okay with her going on about how she's giving her 10 pounds baby the dizzies with her non-stop pregnant fucking, but now she's gone too far. I mean, I've always figured that Papa Joe was seriously into squirter porn and now Jessica is telling me she's about to deliver the geyser squirt of all geyser squirts? Fuck you, Jessica, for giving me the image of Papa Joe waddling around in flippers, a scuba mask and a giant smile. SUCIO!