Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift missed her calling. Taylor should've been a torturer at Guantanamo Bay, because bitch knows how to put the pain on a grown man and leave him screaming for a rusty razor so he can murder his ears. Taylor's newest assault on ears "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" is supposedly about Jake Gyllenhaal, and she tells USA Today (via WOW Report) that she wrote that Pee Chee folder poem of a song as an act of revenge against her ex. Taylor's ex hates the kind of music she makes, so she purposefully wrote a bubble gum shit song that would get tons of play and torture him everywhere he went.

"He made me feel like I wasn't as good or as relevant as these hipster bands he listened to. So I made a song that I knew would absolutely drive him crazy when he heard it on the radio. Not only would it hopefully be played a lot, so that he'd have to hear it, but it's the opposite of the kind of music that he was trying to make me feel inferior to."

And when USA Today asked her why would she want to torment someone, she said, "Because that's fun." 

Taylor is The Bad Seed of music. She looks like an Anne of Green Gables extra, all sweet and farm-like and shit, but she'll viciously murder you in the face. Crazy bitch. When normal people want to get back at an ex-boyfriend, they do sane stuff like key the words "I Have Gonorrhea" into his car or stalk him so much that he has to move to a different state. That's what normal people do. But Taylor has to get back at an ex by writing a song that will eventually play EVERYWHERE. So Taylor is not only torturing her ex piece, she's torturing EVERYONE.

If you don't believe that Taylor has the power to destroy men through her music. Just look at Wilford Brimley in the picture above. That's the face of a man who was just brutally tortured by being forced to listen to Taylor's album on the car ride over to Good Morning America.

Yes, it's true (no, it's not) that Taylor Swift pasted a picture of her head and Conor Kennedy's head over JFK and Jackie Kennedy in their wedding picture and she keeps that picture next to her princess canopy bed, but don't let that fool you. Taylor Swift is a Kennedy-stalking tramp ass slut who has a serious case of the delusions, because she obviously thinks she's Marilyn Monroe. Trick is trying to fuck all the Kennedys. If you came out of a Kennedy's poon, Taylor wants you in her poon.

A source tells Radar that on the outside it looks like Taylor's only got pink hearts in her eyes for Conor Kennedy, but the truth is she's seriously Kennedy-ized and will get on any member of the family. The source says that at a Kennedy family party recently, Taylor showed up with Conor Kennedy, but she secretly slipped away from him to make mouth love with 19-year-old Patrick Schwarzenegger, the son of Arnold Scharzenegger and Maria Shriver. Conor doesn't know about it, but some of the Kennedys do and they're not happy. And when a Kennedy isn't happy with you, you in danger, girl. But Taylor is too dumb and squinty in the eyes to see that. The source said this:

"Taylor was making out with Patrick all night. The previous day, she was all over Conor, so she hooked up with two cousins on consecutive nights! Taylor and Patrick weren't kissing out in the open, but she wasn't being as subtle as she thought she was. They [the family] think she's a hanger-on and find her obsession with the Kennedy cousins disconcerting Taylor lost the respect of everyone in the family. They despise her and don't want her anywhere near Conor or Patrick."

Taylor's rep denies all of this.

This is seriously the Nick Jr. version of that Bobby, John and Marilyn mess.

Taylor wants to become a Kennedy so bad that if Ethel Kennedy winked at her for some reason, Taylor would sit on her face in a minute. So if Ethel Kennedy doesn't want a mouthful of Taylor's crab apple, she better keep her eyes down at all times. Hell, Taylor would even hump on THIS Kennedy. That's how hard up she is.

When Taylor Swift announced that Papa John's and Chegg were sponsoring a contest on Facebook for any school to win $10,000 for their music department and a performance from her, the fuckery makers at 4Chan and Reddit trolled her hard by voting for The Horace Mann School for the Deaf in Allston, Massachusetts. The Horace Mann School got thousands upon thousands of votes and it was looking like the kids were going to feel their ears tingle and sting as Taylor Swift yodeled out her signature Kennedy mating call in the lunch room. The headmaster of the school said at the time that his students love music and he hopes they win the contest. Well, guess what? They were disqualified!

Boston.com says that Taylor, Papa John's and Chegg all decided to take Horace Mann out of the running because of the way the school got their votes. But the Illuminati didn't send Taylor Swift a "welcome to the dark side" gift basket for making deaf children cry, because she donated $10,000 of her own money to The Horace Mann School. Cover Girl, American Greetings and the contest's two sponsors also donated $10,000 each, so the school is getting a total of $50,000. Each student will also get tickets to Taylor's show the next time she performs near their town.

The internet's trolling pays off again. Everybody wins. Taylor wins, because she looks like a damn saint. And the kids really win, because their school got $50,000, they don't have to sit through a Taylor Swift show in their cafeteria and they got tickets they can sell on Craigslist.

Serving up some "broken condom baby of the Cowardly Lion and Dorothy" realness, Taylor Swift is Photoshopped to Oz and back on the cover of Glamour's hair issue, and during the interview with the magazine they asked her if the Lisa Frank glitter sticker she calls a heart felt sadness over what John Mayer said about her.

Summer's Eve came out with a new scent called John Mayer's tears earlier this summer, because he got wet in the eyes from that tramp Taylor not telling him that her song "Dear John" was about him. Taylor only kisses and tells in song form, so she didn't say much when Glamour asked about shooting a musical arrow straight into John's empty douche bottle of a heart:

On how John Mayer told Rolling Stone his David Duke dick was the inspiration for the song Dear John: "How presumptuous! I never disclose who my songs are about."

On if she wants to know what John had to say about the song: "No! I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know. I know it wasn't good, so I don’t want to know. I put a high priority on staying happy, and I know what I can't handle. It's not that I'm this egomaniac and I don’t want to hear anything negative, because I do keep myself in check. But I've never developed that thick a skin. So I just kind of live a life, and I let all the gossip live somewhere else. If you go too far down the rabbit hole of what people think about you, it can change everything about who you are."

On how she's side-humping some barely legal boy to get into the Kennedy family: "I don’t talk about my personal life in great detail. I write about it in my songs, and I feel like you can share enough about your life in your music to let people know what you're going through."

On people thinking she's a Strawberry Shortcake character come to life: "I think some people think it's just apple pie and sunshine and sprinkles and ponies. Which is just funny. But I never feel the need to go out and make some grand statement that I'm dark and twisty and complicated, because I'm not that either. It's just not as simple as ponies and rainbows, though I do love ponies and rainbows."

"How presumptuous"? Either Taylor is having a laugh or bitch wants all of us to burn calories by rolling our fat eyeballs. The song is called DEAR JOHN. The only way it would be more obvious that it's about John Mayer is if the song's title was Dear Dick Turd Who Gave Me Crabs.

I can't fully hate Taylor Swift for this, though, because she turned the crabs John gave her into a song that probably made her millions. I also can't fully hate on Taylor's exes for being mad about her blasting their asses in a shitty song. Because there's probably nothing more painful than shopping in a Walgreens when the song Taylor Swift wrote about you comes on the speakers and reminds you that you once skipped with her through a lavender field before carving your initials into a giant tree trunk. No, that's not a euphemism. Bitch really makes you skip through a lavender field and carve her initials into a giant tree trunk before she takes them off panties off.

Here's everyone's least favorite American Girl doll shooting a video in Paris today.

Ever since Taylor Swift's Sweet Valley High episode of a song "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" came out, every ho with only time on their hands (see: bloggers, the media, bloggers, office workers, bloggers and the unemployed on a break from watching People's Court reruns) has been wondering WHO IS IT ABOUT?!!! Joe Jonas already said, "Gurrrrl, it ain't me" and based on the title alone, most of us figured it was about post-pubescence. But UsWeekly (via Hollywood Life) says they know who it is and they say Jake Gyllenhaal was the inspiration for that mess.

A source tells UsWeekly that the song is one hundred percent about Jake and she even used a Jake look-alike (who looks like Jake about as much as the pimple on my belly button looks like Jake, see: video below) in her video. Taylor told Nightline (via HuffPo) that she decided to write the song after her ex-boyfriend's friend came into the studio and heard that she was getting back together with his ass. Taylor said, "When he leaves, Max and Johan are like, ‘So what’s the story behind that?’ And so I start telling them the story of break up, get back together, break up, get back together, just, ugh, the worst."

The Jakey guess makes the most sense. I can totally picture Jake and Taylor sitting at opposite sides of a long conference table with their team of lawyers in a fancy law office in Century City, CA, going back and forth about the details of their relationship contract. "I'll give you 2 staged kissing photo-ops a month, but NO TONGUE and you can't write a song about me" is probably what Jake shouted at Taylor before she stood up and screamed the words that would go on to become the title of her #1 single! That's totally how it went.

And here's Taylor showing all of us that she's America's answer to Avril Lavigne, which means that she'll eventually make the bald eagle hang himself by marrying America's answer to Chad Kroeger: Scott Stapp.

Listening to that song again makes me feel like I just played the worst game of Girl Talk Date Line that has ever been played and lost.

To follow up their successful campaign to send Pitbull's ass to a Walmart in Alaska, 4Chan is now trying to send make Taylor Swift perform at a school for the deaf. I don't know if this is a potent act of bitchery or an act of bitchery mixed in with a little sweetness. Or mixed in with a lot of cruelness since many deaf children can hear and they'll be forced to listen to Taylor's goat yodeling.

In a contest co-sponsored by Papa John's and Chegg, any school that gets the most votes on Facebook will win a visit and performance from Taylor Swift. The top 5 schools will also win a $10,000 grant for their music department. A quick second after 4Chan found out about the contest, The Horace Mann School for The Deaf and Hard of Hearing in Massachusetts became the clear leader and right now it has over 25,000 votes.

The rules state that Taylor doesn't have to perform at the winning school if she doesn't want to, but her heart is made of crushed strawberry lollipops and Lisa Frank stickers so there's no way she'll turn down a school for the deaf. You know what's going to happen, though? Taylor's going to show up with her guitar and then she'll put it down before doing the entire performance in sign language. It'll be a win for the kids, because they'll get to see Taylor Swift's ass and their hearing aids won't explode from her live singing voice.

But seriously, if you're the parent of a curly-haired tall boy who goes to Horace Mann, lock down your son right now, because that boytrap Taylor might be coming to town.

via Reddit & Gawker

Taylor Swift said goodbye to her 18-year-old boyfriend Conor Kennedy over a week ago, because she needs to promote her awful song and he has to go school supplies shopping since he's still in damn high school. Taylor left Conor in Hyannis Port and she took her wedding crasher ass back to Nashville. But Taylor must've realized that if Conor's left alone, the spirit of Little Edie might smack some reality back into his ass, so she sent a private jet to pick him up and bring him back to Nashville to be with her. I would say that the Kennedys need to try to get this tramp trollop of Walnut Grove on kidnapping charges, but then I imagined all the song she'd write in prison.

A source tells Page Six that Taylor is so hard up on Conor that she doesn't want to be away from him for a second and the two could elope any second now, “Taylor missed Conor so much, she sent a plane for him a few days later. He’s been with her ever since, and his family doesn’t know when he will be back. Things have become so serious between them so fast that no one in Hyannis Port would be surprised if they eloped. They are inseparable and are all over each other all the time. While his relatives really like Taylor, some feel their lovey-dovey behavior is cute while it has made others in the family feel a little uncomfortable.”

Taylor should just pull some Strangers with Candy shit and go back to high school to be with Conor. Then she can gaze at him during home room and squeal out heart-shaped farts from her mouth when she's named homecoming queen and he's named homecoming king. That's where Conor and Taylor's love belongs, behind closed high school doors. It doesn't belong in the real world with US adults (and yes, I typed that 10 minutes after searching eBay for Beverly Hills Teens on VHS). Taylor isn't dickmatized, she's Kennedymatized and that's worse.

Taylor Swift's rep said yesterday that she never crashed a Kennedy wedding in Boston over the weekend and she was there as a guest of her high school boyfriend Conor Kennedy. But Kathie Lee Gifford, who is the bride's step-grandma, said on Today this morning that Taylor pretty much crashed that party and she witnessed it with her own eyeballs. Yes, Kathie Lee was so beyond drunk that she was also witnessed fairies made of stars slow dance in a spinning room and also witnessed a really long blackout, but she swears she saw Taylor try to shove herself further up the Kennedy's asshole by showing up to that wedding uninvited.

Kathie Lee co-signed the mother of the bride's claim that Conor Kennedy never RSVP'd, but texted an hour before the wedding to say he was coming and bringing Taylor. Even though the mother of the bride told Conor to stay at home with his Lemon Meringue doll of a girlfriend, he still showed up to the reception. Conor was told to leave twice and he finally did. The Ramona Singer of morning television saw all of it. via Today:

“I was out in the hallway, she was waiting, standing around, and he came out, took her by the hand and they left,” Gifford said Thursday on TODAY.

Gifford is the stepmother of Victoria Gifford Kennedy, the mother of the bride, who told her “I’m really not happy about this” as the drama unfolded.

Although Swift’s 18-year-old boyfriend, Conor Kennedy, was invited to the event, he failed to RSVP until he sent a text message to the bride’s mother about an hour before the ceremony.

“She didn’t know if he was coming or not. She heard that he might be, but he got in touch with her an hour earlier, and said, basically, ‘Can I bring my girlfriend?’” Gifford said. “She said very nicely, 'please do not come.' Guess what? They came.”

Gifford said her stepdaughter was concerned that Swift’s last-minute appearance would steal the spotlight away from the ceremony.

“It’s the bride’s day, and that was Vicki’s other concern. ‘This is my daughter’s day and I would appreciate it if you would not come,’” she said.

Kathie Lee went on to say, "I was about to run over there and tell that curly fries-haired tramp what's what, but I was in the middle of an intense conversation with a really chatty floor lamp about my new Broadway musical about some lady evangelist nobody's ever heard of." Seriously, how do you decide to write a musical about a lady evangelist and not make it about Jan Crouch or Tammy Faye?

Taylor should just sip a Juicy Juice on her porch swing and leave this alone. Taylor is lucky that the Kennedys only kicked her out of a hotel and didn't decide to take her for a nighttime drive instead.

FYI: Since this post is all about denials, I did not Photoshop that picture. I stole it from Taylor Swift's Pinterest (aka dreamboardsforgrownups.com) page.

Kyle Kennedy, the daughter of the late Michael Kennedy and the currently alive Victoria Gifford Kennedy, got married at the Fairmont Copley Plaza in Boston on Saturday, and her wedding was almost ruined by a certain cradle robbing, Kennedy-stalking, lemon-faced, Pollyanna ass yodeler. Victoria Gifford Kennedy tells the Boston Herald that one hour before the wedding, she got a text message from 18-year-old Conor Kennedy asking if he could come to the wedding and bring Taylor with him. Victoria texted back with the line humanity screams every time Chad Kroeger humps on Avril without a condom on: "Please do not come." Conor was invited, but never RSVP'd.

Conor and Taylor showed up anyway, and as soon as they strolled in, Victoria Gifford Kennedy got in their faces and told them to make like Taylor's maturity and split. They didn't. VGK said this:

"I personally went up to Ms. Swift, whose entrance distracted the entire event, politely introduced myself to her, and asked her as nicely as I could to leave. It was like talking to a ghost. She seemed to look right past me.”

But Taylor's rep tells both E! News and the Herald that her next hit single will be called "Liar Pants Vicky," because that trick in pearls is telling lies. Taylor was invited to the wedding and the bride even thanked her for coming. Yes, during the ceremony, Taylor pushed the groom out of the way to try to fulfill her dream of becoming a Kennedy by marrying Kyle Kennedy. But other than that, she behaved herself.

Fun fact: Victoria Gifford Kennedy is Frank Gifford's daughter and so Kathie Lee was at that wedding. She talked about seeing Taylor there on the Today show on Monday morning. So now Taylor Swift knows what it feels like to get kicked out of a wedding for being Taylor Swift while Kathie Lee Gifford is across the room, slurping champagne shots out of Frank's belly button.

Taylor Swift, the worst thing to happen to the Kennedys since the Kennedy curse, has a new song out called "We Are Never Getting Back Together" and based on that title you might think she's singing to the definition of maturity, but were her and maturity ever together? Taylor of Sunnybrook Farms tells Good Morning America (via People) that surprise, surprise, she wrote that song about one of her ex-pieces. But before we start guessing about which one of Taylor's exes is going to tell Rolling Stones in a few months that she really put bruises on his innocent heart by writing a song about him, let's listen to that mess first. WARNING: Taylor Swift is still writing lyrics that sound like they were written on her paper bag book cover during 7th grade homeroom.

If you'd rather try to chew bubblegum with your butt than press play on that bubblegum song, then read  the spoken word part instead, because it is gold (via ONTD):

So he calls me up and he's like
"I still love you" and I'm like, I'm just ...
This is exhausting, you know like
We're never getting back together
Like ever

When you make an Avril Lavigne song sound like a Carole Fucking King song, maybe it's time to stop getting creative inspiration from the 16-year-olds you share a bottle of Strawberry Hill with while hanging out with them behind the bleachers on a Friday night.

So who is Taylor singing about this time? Jakey Gyllenhaal? John Mayer? Joe Jonas? Taylor Lautner? Oh, I don't even know why we're playing this game when we all know who she's really singing about:

You can't blame him for that DUI now. We'd all lose our minds in a bottle of the sweet nectar if Taylor Swift told us we were never like ever like ever like getting back to like gether like ever like.