Taylor Swift

Answer: Did I even need to ask?

New York's Department of Fish and Wildlife rushed to the Met last night, because they received dozens of panicked calls from people who were horrified to see a traumatized chipmunk struggling to get out of a net after getting viciously attacked by a porcupine. Oh, but it was just Miley being punk rock.

Most people probably didn't recognize Miley Cyrus at the Met Gala last night, because her ass cheeks weren't hanging out and because that electrocuted hair made everyone think she was that dude from Sum 41 (the one who was married to Avril Lavigne), so they just walked on by. Perfect disguise, Miley!

And here's even more pictures from last night. Basically, any trick in a borrowed dress could get in. My family gatherings have a stricter guest list than this shit had. In order: Messy Miley, the ghost of a homeless bridge urchin from the 1920s, Drunk Ass Sandra Lee, Katie Holmes (whose sheet dress can be used as an escape rope just in case the Scientologists come after her when she's on the second floor) Derek Hough in ballerina drag, Swifty, a Vulcan priestess (aka Coco Rocha), Linda Evangelista (who REALLY wants a role in Games of Thrones), Tiger Woods with a blonde who will hate him in a few months, Chelsea Clinton, Rooney Mara, the leader of a cult of hippie trolls, Tom Brady with Gis and Zachary Quinto (looking like Duckie from the Pretty in Pink after he got a job in Prince's band).

Taylor Swift is once again showing all of us that we're in wrong line of work (unless you're line of work is waxing Anderson Cooper's butt cheeks... If that's the case, you're in the right line of work always.) and should've turned every entry from our Lisa Frank diaries into an annoying country pop song. Because if we did that, our asses would be the ones buying a $17 million mansion with cash.

TMZ says that Holly Hobbie's secret love child pulled 17 million $1 bills out of her Strawberry Shortcake coin purse and bought a 1930s 8 bedroom mansion in Watch Hill, Rhode Island. The 11,000 square foot mansion sits on 5.23 acres and has ocean views and a pool. It was originally listed for $20 million. Fun fact: Taylor's new mansion is exactly half of the size of Rhode Island itself, so if you're in Rhode Island, run before it's too late!

I asked myself, why in the shit does Taylor Swift need 8 bedrooms? But then I remembered that she needs an altar room devoted to the object of her current stalking affection, a revenge room devoted to the ex-pieces she'll write songs about, a room for her cat, a dressing room for her cat and a room big enough to house the huge telescope she'll use to spy on the neighbor's barely legal white son.

And here's pictures of the new Casa de Fuck You John Mayer. When Taylor's done with it, it's going to look like Disneyland ate Laura Ashley and then violently threw up into every room.

ABC News 2 (via Buzzfed) in Nashville brings us this highly important BREAKING NEWS story about a woman who found hundreds upon hundreds of mostly unopened fan letters to Taylor Swift in a recycling dumpster. Kylee Francescan was throwing some newspapers into the recycling dumpster near her house when she noticed a mountain of glitter-covered envelopes in there. Surprisingly, the envelopes weren't stuffed with threatening letters written in cutout magazine text from all the ex-boyfriends she wrote songs about. They were fan letters from all over the world.

Kylee knows how much Taylor cares about her fans (her words, not mine), so she pulled all the letters out of the dumpster, because she wanted to find a way to get them to her. Kylee called up News 2 and asked for their help. They dropped everything to help Kylee get the letters to Taylor. The letters were all addressed to a PO Box in a strip mall in Hendersonville, TN. The owner of the strip mall told News 2 that Taylor gets boxes of fan letters all the time and a member of her management team shows up every now and again to pick up the mail. News 2 took the letters to the offices of Taylor Swift's record company. The record company didn't know why those letters were dumped like trash. Taylor's management company told News 2 that they didn't know about the letters either. They gave News 2 this statement:

"Taylor gets thousands of fan letters everyday and they are delivered to her management office. After the letters are opened and read, they are recycled. The only explanation for any letters being unopened would be that a small batch of mail that was supposed to be delivered to Taylor was accidentally put with letters headed for the recycling center. We sincerely appreciate Channel 2 bringing this to our attention, and we plan to immediately pick up the mail."

Taylor's rep went on to say that they are launching an investigation to find the trick who threw all that unopened fan mail into the dumpster. That trick will be punished. There's a special place in hell for interns who don't help Taylor Swift by opening up her fan letters before dumping them into the dumpster.

I've only sent one handwritten fan letter in my life. (The locks of my own pubic hair I send to Anderson Cooper's office on a monthly basis don't count.) When I was 6 years old, I wrote to Cyndi Lauper and I told her that she was the prettiest girl in the world and I liked her songs. I'm dumb now, but I was really dumb then, because I didn't even put an address on the envelope. I just wrote "To: Cyndi Lauper" and put the envelope on my mailbox for the postman to pick up. It never made it into the postman's bag. My sister's friend, who was the bitchiest girl on the block, got to the letter first. She opened it and wrote a response as Cyndi Lauper.

Like I said before, I was really damn dumb then, because I didn't think it was strange that I got a response from Cyndi Lauper the next day. (It might've even been the same day. I thought life like a cartoon. Everything happens in fast motion.) The fake response from fake Cyndi Lauper wasn't mean or anything. It was nice. It made me really happy and I was really excited about it until the bitchiest girl on the block killed the rainbow around me by telling me that she's the one who wrote the letter. She laughed in my 6-year-old face! That bitch. I'll never forgive her for toying with my emotions.

But you know, she got hers. I went to my mom's house a few weeks ago and saw the bitchiest girl on the block, who now lives in her childhood house, walking down the street. She had UGGs on her feet and an Aeropostale t-shirt on her body. UGGs and an Aeropostale t-shirt! That's punishment enough.

Jada Pinkett Smith took a little break from screaming at Willow to throw that math homework in the trash and sing, child, sing to sit down and write an open letter to the media and everyone else on Facebook (via HuffPo) about the "bullying" (buzz word, buzz word) of young celebrities. Jada Pinkett Smith did her best Chrissy Crocker impersonation and screamed at everyone to leave Justin Bieber, RiRi and Taylor Swift aloooooooooooooooone.

One of Scientology's down low disciples wants us all to remember when were Taylor Swift's age and we were innocently working with our PR team to perfectly craft a sellable image using the songs we wrote about our ex-boyfriends. Remember that?! Jada wants us to remember when we were Justin Bieber's age and were throwing tantrums in our weed smoke-filled dressing rooms while our parents sat in the mansion we bought, because they don't want to get jobs. Remember that?! Remember that while reading what Jada wrote:

This last week, I had to really evaluate the communication in regard to our young artists in the media. I was trying to differentiate cyber-bullying from how we attack and ridicule our young stars through media and social networks. It is as if we have forgotten what it means to be young or even how to behave like good ol' grown folk. Do we feel as though we can say and do what we please without demonstrating any responsibility simply because they are famous?

Is it okay to continually attack and criticize a famous 19 year old who is simply trying to build a life, exercise his talents while figuring out what manhood and fame is all about as he carries the weight of supporting his family as well as providing the paychecks to others who depend on him to work so they can feed their families as well? Does that render being called a cunt by an adult male photographer as you try to return to your hotel after leaving the the hospital? Or what about our nine year old beautiful Oscar nominee who was referred to as a cunt as well? Or what about being a young woman in her early twenties, exploring the intracacies of love and power on the world stage? And should we shame a young woman for displaying a sense of innocence as she navigates through the murky waters of love, heartbreak, and fame? Are these young people not allowed to be young, make mistakes, grow, and eventually transform a million times before our eyes? Are we asking them to defy the laws of nature because of who they are? Why can't we congratulate them for the capacity to work through their challenges on a world stage and still deliver products that keep them on top.

We all know how hard it is to keep our head above water, even in the privacy of our own homes let alone on the world stage. Imagine yourself, at their age, with the spotlights, challenges and responsibilities. Most of us would have fallen to the waste side before we could even get to a crashed Ferrari, a controversial romance, several heart breaks, or an Oscar nomination at NINE. We WISH we could have had the capacity to accomplish HALF of what they have accomplished along with ALL these challenges they face. But...maybe THAT'S the problem...we WISH we could have or even...we WISH we could.

Don't tell me what to do, Jada! You're not my mom! Stop eating my food! Get out of my house! I hate you!

But seriously, Jada also slapped down a friend in an open letter on Facebook, because the friend wasn't making her blended family work and she needs to WOMAN UP and stop coming between her man and her man's children with another woman. So my question is, when did Jada become the Dear Abby of Facebook even though nobody was asking for her advice? I liked Jada so much better when she was in that shitty metal band.

Here's Jada leaving her hotel with Willow a few weeks ago.

Because Anne Hathaway is off taking an extended vacation at Hedonism in Jamaica with her true love Oscar and at least one insufferable twat needs to work our last nerve at all times, Taylor Swift is still talking to magazines about the dumb shit that fills her brain on a daily basis. In case you didn't already know from the fact that Taylor Swift is a country mannequin robot who can't function unless a barely legal white boy is holding her hand, she tells InStyle UK (via DM) that at the age of 23, she is terrified of dying alone. The humorless Precious Moments figurine got all melodramatic when she spit this out to InStyle:

"What I worry about is that I never want to end up kind of a self-centred, vain human being (Ed. note: TOO LATE, BITCH!). My fears circle around me making the wrong choices and messing this up for myself. I don’t wanna end up being awful and intolerable (Ed. note: see ed. note above). Alone. Laying in a marble bathtub by myself, like sad, with a glass of wine just complaining that my life ended up alone because I pushed everyone away because I thought I was too good to hang out with anybody. The typical Hollywood sad cliché of the poor lonely starlet with no one because she put up all these walls and didn’t trust anyone. That’s my fear. And that’s why I live my life the way I live my life because I’d so much rather feel everything than end up like that."

If Taylor's life nightmare does come true and she does push everybody in her life away (by shaming their asses in a song, of course), then she'll have to push away a whole lot of people, because she says that she has at least 20 good girlfriends. She would.

"'I’m a girls’ girl. I have guy friends but the problem with having guy friends is, like, I always get linked to them and they’ll end up in a slideshow of people I’ve apparently dated on the internet. I mean, there’s all kinds of complicated things with having guys as friends. If they have a girlfriend who doesn’t like you or things like that. So I have like two or three guy friends. A select few. But I have like 20-25 really good girlfriends."

It takes me weeks upon weeks upon weeks to get together with just one good friend (and that's after both of us have canceled a million times), so I'd probably be as nuts as Taylor Swift if I had to go through that 25 times over. I already have to keep up with my own life, my dog's life, my family's life, the lives of all the dumb bitches on all the reality shit shows I watch and I'd also have to keep up with the lives of my 25 good friends?! Sweet Brown ain't got time for bronchitis and I ain't got time to deal with 25 good friends.

This is why Taylor Swift and I will always live on separate universes. She'd rather be surrounded by 25 good girlfriends and I'd rather be lying in a marble bathtub (read: an acrylic shower/tub combo) by myself with a glass of wine (read: a plastic tumbler full of that boxed wine from Target) in my hand.

Taylor thinks that becoming a regular Norma Desmond is a bad thing and that sounds like a dream to me.

A special place in hell became my #1 "I want to go to there" place today when Taylor Swift condemned Tina Fey and Amy Poehler there because Tina made fun of her ass at the Golden Globes. Taylor told Vanity Fair that there's a special place in Hades for women who don't help other women and she was obviously talking about Tina and Amy. Amy took a little break from buying SPF and a water bottle hat for her special trip to hell to give The Hollywood Reporter her thoughts on what that shade-throwing bird girl said about her and Tina. Amy said this:

"Aw, I feel bad if she was upset. I am a feminist, and she is a young and talented girl. That being said, I do agree I am going to hell. But for other reasons. Mostly boring tax stuff. "

Yes, that response was on the right side of classy and it was also smart, because the IRS is laughing at it while Amy secretly moves some of her money to off-shore accounts. But this not the response I wanted! I wanted Amy to slick her hair back in a bun, stick razors in her hair, put on all her rings, get in her car, pick up Tina Fey and drive to Taylor Swift's house to jump that bitch for talking shit. Handle it Mi Vida Loca style.

But really, Amy's response was perfect and had the perfect touch of shade in it.

UPDATE: Tina Fey said this to ET about Taylor wishing her to hell and it's best if you picture Tina saying this while she's greasing up her face and pulling her hair back, "If anyone was going to get mad at us, I thought it would be James Cameron. I did not see that one coming. It was a joke, it was a lighthearted joke."

Vanity Fair has already made my day by making Taylor Swift look like a confused bird in a wig on the cover of a Christian rock album circa  1995. The way that pictures goes with the words "My Syrian Hostage Ordeal" is way too perfect. It's a mess. The cover is good enough, but then Vanity Fair really took me up, up and away with what they put inside. It's Taylor Swift at her Taylor Swiftiest!

If you can only read one part of this interview, read this part:

As she sits drinking lavender lemonade in her “Tim Burton–Alice in Wonderland–pirate ship–Peter Pan” apartment, Swift continues....

That pretty much sums up Taylor Swift's entire life. (Throw in a bunch of boys in pajamas and it pretty much sums up Michael Jackson's life too. Hmmmm.)

In Vanity Fair's preview, Taylor gets into Tina Fey's joke at the Golden Globes and really gets into how she's portrayed as some dick-hungry crazy bitch who only writes musical slam pieces about her ex-boyfriends. Here's a few quotes and please read them while sipping lavender lemonade in your Tim Burton-Alice in Wonderland-pirate ship-Peter Pan cubicle:

On what she thinks about Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's mild ass joke about her at the Golden Globes: “You know, Katie Couric is one of my favorite people. Because she said to me she had heard a quote that she loved, that said, ‘There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women.’”

On how Conor Kennedy and Harry Styles are the only dudes she's dated since 2010: "....if you want some big revelation, since 2010 I have dated exactly two people."

On how the tabloids have turned her into boy-trap hussy harlot: “The fact that there are slide shows of a dozen guys that I either hugged on a red carpet or met for lunch or wrote a song with. . . it’s just kind of ridiculous. It’s why I have to avoid the tabloid part of our culture, because they turn you into a fictional character.”

On how you should celebrate her as the next Joni Mitchell and if you don't you're sexist piece of trash: “For a female to write about her feelings, and then be portrayed as some clingy, insane, desperate girlfriend in need of making you marry her and have kids with her, I think that’s taking something that potentially should be celebrated—a woman writing about her feelings in a confessional way—that’s taking it and turning it and twisting it into something that is frankly a little sexist.”

On how she shouldn't star in HGTV's new series House Hunters: Stalkers Edition, because she doesn't buy houses near all the dudes she's dated (FYI: Nancy Jo Sales later writes that Taylor did buy a house near Conor Kennedy.): “People say that about me, that I apparently buy houses near every boy I like—that’s a thing that I apparently do. If I like you I will apparently buy up the real-estate market just to freak you out so you leave me. One of these things I say to myself to calm myself down when I feel like it’s all too much . . . If there’s a pregnancy rumor, people will find out it’s not true when you wind up not being pregnant, like nine months from now, and if there’s a house rumor, they’ll find out it’s not true when you are actively not ever spotted at that house.”

Some humanized puddles of unflavored oatmeal just can't take a joke. Taylor Swift needs to walk the plank of her pirate ship apartment, because Tina Fey was helping her out. Tina Fey jokingly told her that she's been to the Island of Dudes several times, but she really needs to spend time at the Island of Her (which looks like the island of Neverland and is surrounded by a lavender lemonade ocean). That is good advice! But I shouldn't question the thinking of a true feminist who called Camilla Belle a slut in a song. Taylor Swift obviously is the authority on women helping women.

Taylor wouldn't talk about the details of her personal life to VF's Nancy Jo Sales, because why do it when you can have your friends do it for you? Taylor let one of her friends talk to Nancy Jo Sales about Harry Styles and the other dudes she's shared a lavender lemonade with:

Although one of Swift’s rules is that she doesn’t go into the personal details of any of her relationships, she authorized someone to discuss them with Sales. “He wore her down,” the source says of Styles, who allegedly “chased” Swift for a year. “He was all, like, ‘You’re amazing—I want to be with you. I want to do this.’” The relationship fell apart after he texted Swift to alert her of a picture on the Internet of him kissing a friend good-bye. They were “making out like with their hands all up in each other’s hair,” says the source. After Swift ended the relationship, he pursued her for the better part of a year until she finally took him back. “But the whole time she says she feels like he’s looking at every girl,” the source continues. And then when they were in London together he “disappears one night and after that it was like he just didn’t want to keep going.” Styles’s rep, Benny Tarantini at Columbia Records, said that all of Swift’s source’s claims are “undeniably false.”

“It was like a pendulum for her, swinging back and forth,” the source says of Swift’s exes, with all of whom age has been a problem. Conor Kennedy, 17 at the time, was “just like a two-month thing,” the source continues, and Swift “says he was awesome.” The source says, “She dated Jake [Gyllenhaal] and John [Mayer] when she was really young and they were in their 30s, and she got really hurt. So it was like ‘That hurt—this won’t. But then it did.’”

So to recap: Taylor Swift is sick of the media portraying her as the exact image her publicity team painted, she thinks women need to help her (with what, I'm not sure) and she won't whisper into your ear about her ex-boyfriends, but she'll let somebody else do it for her. Bitch is like the rich girl villain in a Sweet Valley High book.

And my guess that this "special place" in hell that Taylor is talking about is a Tim Burton-Alice in Wonderland-pirate ship-Peter Pan apartment where they only serve lavender lemonade and play Taylor Swift songs on a loop.

You haven't lived until you've pulled a bright ginger pube out of your mouth and I guess Taylor Swift knows this, because the elven tramp of The Shire is once again spending time with the bushel of Hobbit pubes known as Ed Sheeran. When Taylor broke up with that Kennedy dude and the family let her know that she needs to be gone or they will take her for a nice night time drive off a bridge, she supposedly rebounded with Ed Sheeran. Taylor is apparently back with the real-life Chuckie Finster after his friend Harry Styles dumped her ass.

A source tells The Sun that when Taylor was in London for the Brit Awards, Ed Sheeran spent some time with her in her hotel room and was there until 4 in the morning. Now the guests next to Taylor's hotel room know what all that giggling and moaning was about. It wasn't sex noises, it was just Taylor whining and crying after Ed beat her in a game of Mall Madness. The source said that Taylor really feels like Ed could be the one (aka she can get at least 2 albums worth of songs out of him) and she wants to be boyfriend and girlfriend with him after her tour ends.

"Taylor has always loved Ed to bits. He’s just an adorably sweet guy who makes her laugh and feel really confident. Harry had that irresistible bad boy thing but Taylor has realised she would rather give it a go with a guy who can make her happy on a different level.

Taylor made it clear when they go off on tour she wants Ed to be her boyfriend. He’s thrilled as he has always thought she’s amazing. When they split last year he always hoped they would get back together. They’ve both vowed not to have a nasty break-up no matter what happens.”

I'm torn (insert your butt plug jokes here), because on one hand, Ed Sheeran gives off subtle shades of Rojo Caliente and that means he's way too good for Taylor's ass. On the other hand, this is meant to be, because Taylor look like an elf maiden and he looks like the black sheep of the Hobbits. It's like some kinky Lord of the Rings fanfic come to life.

Elle Magazine pulled Taylor Swift out of 4th period English, bought her a Coke and sat her down at one of the metal benches in the quad to ask her about her love life and about how she turns the notes she writes about boys in her Hello Kitty diary into #1 hit singles. Taylor twirled her hair, chewed on a piece of watermelon BubbleYum and ewwww-ed at Elle's split ends before telling them that she doesn't chase after boys and it isn't her fault that everyone analyzes her songs to find out who they're about. Yes, Taylor Swift buys houses right next to a dude she's dated for five seconds and yes, she constantly drops hints about which boyfriend "inspired" which songs, but that's not called "chasing" or "pandering." It's called make smart real estate and business decisions! The 14-year-old trapped in the body of a stretched out Lemon Meringue doll said this to Elle:

On how she doesn't yell at boyfriends: “I don’t think I’ve ever yelled at an ex-boyfriend. Ever. I’m not a yeller. I’m not a fit thrower. If something is done, it’s done.”

On writing songs about her exes: “To me it’s just writing songs the way I always have. It’s me sitting on my bed feeling pain I didn’t understand, writing a song, and understanding it better. If people want to dissect the lyrics, that’s their right, but it’s all coming from the exact same place as where I started. It’s just something I do to feel better.”

On how she's not a boy chaser: "I'm sure if I looked up the latest Google Alerts rumor it would say I’m chasing somebody who doesn’t like me as much as I like him – people love that angle on me. They’re like "Oh Taylor, coming on too strong again, chasing boys. I never chase boys. They don't like it!"

Taylor Swift not a fit thrower? I bet if you asked one of the stuffed animals who hangs out on the net in the corner of her bedroom, it'll tell you that she has been known to throw a hissy fit on her strawberry rug when her Snoopy Sno-Cone machine stops working. And of course Taylor Swift doesn't chase boys. She just sneaks into their room, crawls into their bed and stares at them until they wake up, get spooked and promise to go on a date with her if she stops staring at them. Or she just gets her publicist to chase after them for her.

And only a trick with a 14-year-old brain would say some shit like, "I don't chase boys! They don't like it!" Bitch, stop. When you're grown, you don't give a shit anymore. You'll ask a dude out and you will chase a dude as long as you get some good dick out of it. I've gotten on a Greyhound bus for some dick and the dude even told me, "Yeah, you can come over, but you can't stay the night." You know you're not above "chasing a dude" when you get on a 3 hour bus ride for some 10 second dick. ("Michael, that's not called 'chasing dudes.' That's called being a desperate slut with no dignity." - you "You know, I like the way you say it better." - me)

Taylor Swift didn't only take a shot at millions of ear drums by singing live at the Grammys last night, but she also took a shot at Harry Styles during her fourth place talent show performance of her latest musical burn book entry. Because dressing her back-up dancers in recycled costumes from Madonna's VMAs Vogue performance and old outfits from a community theater production of Alice in Wonderland wasn't getting her enough attention, Taylor Swift tried to get all the attention by making fun of Harry Styles while doing a British accent that was so shitty it made Nicki Minaj's British accent sound one hundred percent authentic.

What in the hell kind of 23-year-old woman calls her boyfriend of 2 seconds out at the Grammys? Taylor is missing her calling. Bitch shouldn't be a multi-millionaire pop star. Bitch should be a full-time and professional 8th grader, because her whole circus of suck act was some junior high school talent show shit. Besides, didn't Taylor and Harry Styles tear up their relationship contract almost a month ago? And she's still going on about him? You'd think that by now Taylor Swift would've dated, dumped and wrote songs about every other member of One Direction, every white boy actor in a CW show, every one of the Beckham boys, every Romney son and all of the Duggar boys. Taylor's game is slipping!

And the only thing more annoying than Taylor Swift calling out Harry Styles on stage was Taylor Swift ruining every performance by singing and dancing along to it for the cameras. Bitch is the real-life Patty Simcox from Grease and I don't mean that in a good way.

Here's Taylor meeting her #1 hipster fan (and not in an ironic way, of course) and fellow feminist hero Lena Dunham last night. Lena Dunham's yellow sack of a dress is all kinds of ugly, but after seeing Patrick Wilson rub his hot naked body all over her naked body during most of last night's episode of Girls, I'm glad to see her fully clothed.