Britney Spears

Virginia Judge, the Minister for Fair Trading for New South Wales in Australia, has gotten on her blow horn and shouted to her fellow to think twice about dropping cash on a Brit Brit concert. Virginia, who just got back from a 15-year vacation from a Kangaroo's pouch, wants everyone to know that Our Lady of Cheetos pulls an Ashlee Simpson at all her concerts.

According to People, Virginia issued this statement: "It is Britney's 'prerogative' to lip-sync, and it is my job to make sure consumers know what they are paying for up front. Personally I would rather see a live set from a local artist, but I am sure Britney's fans will be treated to a spectacular show."

Virginia Judge went on to say that the organizers should put disclaimers on all promo materials and tickets.

Um, Viggy (Can I call you that?), let me softly tape you with the DUH stick. There's already an obvious disclaimer on Brit Brit's tickets that states she doesn't sing live. It reads: "BRITNEY SPEARS IN CONCERT."

Alien Princess RiRi is publicly speaking out for the first time about "the incident." Hey, an album ain't gonna sell itself!

RiRi told Glamour Magazine that the night after Chris Brown Ike Turnered her, she woke up as Our Lady of Cheetos. No, RiRi did not wake up yacking up Easy Mac bits and craving Frapp cake for breakfast. RiRi meant that the media had their cameras up her nostrils and reporters crawled up toilets to get to her. She said, "It has taught me so much. I felt like I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears. That was the level of media chaos that happened the next day. It was like, What, there are helicopters circling my house? There are 100 people in my cul-de-sac? What do you mean, I can’t go back home?"

In the rest of the interview with Glamour, RiRi doesn't really go into the details or throw any blame on Chris. Instead, she focuses on how she dealt with suddenly becoming one of the faces of domestic violence. Here's bits and pieces from the interview. Visit Glamour to read the whole thing.

Glamour: "You’re talking about the photo [reportedly of Rihanna’s injured face taken by police after Brown assaulted her] that was allegedly leaked by cops. You handled that so well; you kept silent in the press."

RiRi: "It was humiliating; that is not a photo you would show to anybody. I felt completely taken advantage of. I felt like people were making it into a fun topic on the Internet, and it’s my life. I was disappointed, especially when I found out the photo was [supposedly leaked by] two women."

Glamour: "If you could offer a message to the millions of young women who look up to you, what would you tell someone who found herself in a similar situation?"

RiRi: "Domestic violence is a big secret. No kid goes around and lets people know their parents fight. Teenage girls can’t tell their parents that their boyfriend beat them up. You don’t dare let your neighbor know that you fight. It’s one of the things we [women] will hide, because it’s embarrassing. My story was broadcast all over the world for people to see, and they have followed every step of my recovery. The positive thing that has come out of my situation is that people can learn from that. I want to give as much insight as I can to young women, because I feel like I represent a voice that really isn’t heard. Now I can help speak for those women."

Glamour: "I think that’s a great message. What about your new album? What’s it like?"

NOW THAT is a segue (or a SEGWAY, depending on who you talk to). RiRi is also speaking to Diane Sawyer on 20/20 this Friday, so hopefully there's awkward segues like this one. I'm counting on Diane to take us from domestic abuse to talk about umbrellas in ten seconds flat.

Here's some pictures of RiRi sashaying around NYC last night. This reminds me, V premieres tonight, right?

And here's Our Lady of Cheeto's new video for that 3 song and most of you probably won't make it to 3 seconds. I mean, fucking your right nostril with a cheese curl (not even a Cheeto) might be more sexy and exciting than this. Something tells me Brit Brit feels the same because it looks like this is her internal monologue: "1..2...3... Ahz dunno what numbah comes next... I should ask SPF... Oh who cares Ah'll just move mah mouth.... An' nowz Ah want a Frapp.... 1..2..3..."

For a video that is about threesomes, they could have at least thrown in a sexy scene between Brit, Chester Cheetah, and Little Debbie! And they also could have hooked Brit up with a weave master who doesn't only work with their feet.

If it's cold enough for Brit Brit to cover up her hooves in the hides of the Three Wolf Moon's hillbilly cousins (we never talk about them), then why isn't it cold enough for her to cover up pork rinds?! I will never understand. And I will also never understand Brit Brit's choice of boots. Homegirl must be going for some kind of record for being the owner of the largest collection of boots that not even a barefoot crackhead would wear during their darkest (and coldest) hour. Bitch thinks she's Nanook of the North. More like Nanooooo of the NEVER.

If Joan Collins was there, she would pull her hair back in a bun, carefully tie a crisp white napkin around her neck and then gracefully vomit all over Brit Brit's FUGGS.....while sticking her pinky out of course. The truth is from the knees up Brit Brit is glamorous to me. I mean, what's more glamorous than trailer park snatch cutters and a maternity camisole found in a bargain bin at Palais Royal? But Joan would flip her wig over this!

Below is 10-minutes of pure GLAMOUR from Joan's makeover show in the UK. Joan Collins is really saving the world with her advice on how to look like you've just stepped out of a Dynasty episode. Joan is right, we should all look like glamorous glamazons at all times. And we should also only respect people who are covered in satin, diamonds and sequins. If you don't have a Vaseline glow around you, then you aren't worth our time! Joan IS the truth.

And here's more pictures of Brit Brit and her Cheetolings going to the pitcher show yesterday. Save your "THAT BOY IS TOO OLD FOR THAT BINKY" comments. That's how the Spears family does it. Shit, Brit Brit was just weaned off the pacifier herself last year.

While I'm freezing my peen lips off, Brit Brit is off sunning her possum pits, stoner belly and ham hocks in Mehico, the land where Taco Bell was born (her explanation, not mine). Brit Brit spent the weekend in Cabo with her Cheetolings, Daddy Spears and her manager/clit picker Jason Trawick.

You know, this is probably the first time in history that I suggest a person pay a little visit to a hair braider on the beach. Brit needs to be Bo Derek-ed in a bad way. Seriously, that weave looks like it could be used to make some low-grade sushi they sell at Food 4 Less. Homegirl better fumigate that mop of seaweed before she goes through customs, or they will throw her ass in quarantine for the next 6-months. Hmm. That might not be so bad, though. Maybe she'll run into her old dog friend London there.

In a new biography on Our Lady of Cheetos by Steven Dennis, he lists all the fake names she uses when she checks into hotels. The names include: Ms. Alotta Warmheart, Mrs. Diana Prince, Queen of the Fairy Dance and Mrs. Abra Cadabra.

This game is fun! I bet she also uses: Mrs. Lotsa Velveeta, Ms. Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity, Miss Pussy Hangynoot, Senorita Chesterina El Torito, Princess Sevyn Elevin Frapp, Carla London (awwww never 4get), Dame Fitty One Fitty and Chitterling Timberlake. You can play this all day.

And if you ever drive by a random Super 8 Motel, stroll up to the front desk and ask for "Lord Chichi Mah Boo's room." There you'll find me!

VIA Page Six

Now that Brit Brit has tamed the crazy, it's time for Daddy Spears to focus on the more important issues in her life. I'm talking about those horrific boots that have traveled all the way from the deepest depths of hell to terrorize Brit Brit's paws. Those boots are made for walking....right into a dumpster!

I don't give a KFed's fupa if wearing them makes Brit feel like she's walking on a cloud made of baby bunnies. I mean, my most comfortable outfit includes a half shirt (with Jem! on it) and old chonies with the part of the ass ripped out, but you don't see me wearing that out in public! Okay, you do, but don't tell Brit Brit that.

And you know that girl from junior high school who wears the exact same clothes she did back then 20 years later? Brit is that girl. Here she is having herself a shopping spree at Target yesterday. Brit would've gone to Wal-Mart, but she knew she would end up at the very top of People of Walmart if she did.

The hardest working Cheetoling in Cheetoland has a new single out this morning called 3. It's off of her second greatest hits collection. Yes, Brit Brit is putting out ANOTHER greatest hits collection. It should be titled CHEETO NEEDS A CHECK. Keeping KFed filled up with deep fried burgers doesn't come cheap, so she's doing what's she's gotta do.

And yes, 3 is all about getting your fuck on with two other hos.. You know that while she was singing into the fan (IN THIS ECONOMY, auto-tune is too expensive), she was thinking of Chester Cheetah and the Pillsbury Dough Boy. Yes, Brit Brit's idea of a threesome is sticking Cheetos into Crescent Rolls before shoving them in her mouth. That's actually my idea of a threesome too. Sessy and delicious.

Brit Brit even brings Peter, Paul and Mary into this! Mary just rolled into the grave next her!

And this song would be so much better if we were all rollin' on E with our shirts off while suds fell from ceiling. It's like Brian Kinney ejaculated this song out of his peen hole. Clip below:

As usual, Our Lady of Cheetos was the epitome of style and sophistication as she left Ralphs yesterday. You should curtsy when you see her.

But seriously, who cares about the dress made from my abuelita's sewing scraps, or the butt acne on her chest, or her gobble gobble neck. I need everyone to focus on those wedge flip-flops she continues to wear like she's a day-shift trailer park hooker trying to sex up her look a bit.

Every time my eyes vomit when seeing platform flip-flops on the street, I say to myself, "I know this heifer has paired those things with Juicy Couture coochie cutters that say 'sexy' on the ass." And nine times out of ten, I am right. You know Brit Brit is wearing a pair of those shorts underneath her coverlet dress.

Brit Brit must really hate her feet, because she continues to violate them by wearing the most horrific shit Lucifer (who is a part-time shoemaker) ever created.

During Brit Brit's "Mah Christmas Pussy Is Hanging Out" show in Greensboro, NC last night, she sang Alanis Morissette's "You Oughta Know." Yes, she sang it and did not lip-synch. I didn't even think it was possible for sound to come out of Brit Brit's mouth while she's on stage. Yes, she sounded like one of the Chipettes with nasal allergies and was dressed like Bret Michaels just told her that her tour ends here, but at least she actually "sang." Mind. Blown. If she starts dancing on stage instead of walking and waving, we should all prepare for THE END!

And who do you think she dedicated that song to? My guess is that she was singing it to Chester Cheetah, because you know he was bumping it with Betty Crocker on the side. Or maybe she was thinking of KFed and his first love: DONUTS. Just so you know, Brit, several slutty donuts have gone down on KFed in a theater. Sorries.

VIA ONTD