Britney Spears

Watching all the changes Brit's weave goes through is becoming my favorite pastime. Last night, Brit's weave looked as good as it will ever look. Hey, it doesn't look like it can double as a rasta wig, so that's a very good thing. She has enough grease in her hair to keep to keep Popeye's in business for years, but Brit Brit likes it shiny!

In other cheeto news, Brit will go head to head with Whitney Houston this Christmas. The Sun reports that both are planning to release albums around the same time. Battle of the crazy!

A source feels like Brit's new album is exactly what she needs to put her back on top. The source said, “She is determined to make a triumphant comeback. Top brass have been amazed by the quality of tracks they’ve heard. Whitney is set for another relaunch at the same time later in the year. They’re determined Brit will come out on top.”

At first I thought the source said "top bras." That's funny, because that's exactly what she needs!

Not since Danny Noriega was voted off "American Idol" have I felt so cheated! One of the greatest musical talents this hour century, Chloe Lattanzi, did not win "Rock the Cradle" last night. This shit is fixed! Chloe was one of the three finalists along with Crosby Loggins and that douche with a mohawk. I forgot his name already. Crosby won. Zzzzzzzz. Chloe didn't even shed a tear! I expected her puffer lips to quiver until her head flew away.

Chloe will go on to bigger and better things. She's going to be a huge star in......Lithuania!

Brit Brit Spears was also in the audience to support Larry Rudolph who was one of the judges. I'm sure Brit Brit fell in love with Chloe's talent the same way I did. They will create beautiful music together that will make hearing aids everywhere explode.

Below is Chloe's duet with her mother, Olivia Newton-John. I think the stage was declared a disaster zone after that performance. I'm pretty sure that's the last we'll see of Chloe unless we move to Lithuania. I'm really tempted to do so. I can't live without this puffer fish with a voice like burnt glass.

Asshole Simpson is in London trying to get people to buy her album of shitty music. She was on the talk show, "Nokia Green Room" when she called Brit Brit Spears "trashy." Pot calling the kettle trashy!

Asshole was asked in an interview what she thought, "You've had one too many Britney Spears" meant? Apparently, Britney Spears is slang for beer, but Asshole answered "one too many trashy girls."

Stupid hag! Ok, I would have said a lot worse, but I'm trashy and proud of it. This is rich coming from the ultimate piece of trash, Asshole Simpson! The bitch's singing voice makes Brit Brit sound like Beverly fucking Sills.

At least Brit Brit isn't about to marry a vagina! Well, Brit Brit might if it proposed, but that's not the point!

Visit The Sun to see dumb Asshole called Brit Brit "trashy."

Sucio alert! Star Magazine claims that Brit Brit and KFed have been enjoying late-night phone sex sessions. It all started when Brit Brit couldn't sleep, so she decided to call KFed at 2am. At first they talked about SPF and JJ, but their conversation quickly turned into sloppy, greasy phone sex. Nasty.

A source said, "They have phone sex often — at least once a week. The one thing those two have in common is their need for sex, and after they get going, there are no holds barred."

That isn't right. That's a 3,000 calorie phone call right there. I bet Brit tells him, "Ya'll wanna stick yer cheeto puff in mah dunkin donuts?" Extra frosting!

A Brit Brit and KFed phone sex sessions sounds like the worst episode of Crank Yankers ever.

Brit Brit Spears must be on some serious dolls, because it doesn't look like she can feel her weave slowly ripping her scalp off. The girl's weave is scalping her! Hmmm...I wonder what her Native American name is? Big Cheeto Frapp?

Brit Brit was back at the gym yesterday with her Radiohead CD in hand. Hopefully, she listens to it and realizes that's what music should really sound like and retire forever. Yeah, most likely not. The fact that her weave is pulling off her head probably effs up her hearing a bit.

Below is a clip from Brit Brit's return to "How I Met Your Mother." That shit on her head must be a full-on wig, because there's no way her mop of knots is capable of ever looking like that.

Barf on a heel! Brit Brit has resurrected the ugliest boots ever made. I haven't seen her in these for a couple of months. I thought her toe fungus destroyed them once and for all. Guinness World Records should award her for having the largest collection of fugly fug boots.

The court needs to step in and sentence her boots to execution by burning.

No, this is not a picture from the Fugly Ass Dress Convention. It's Jamie Lynne's baby shower or what Britney probably calls it "baba showa." The chick that's second from the right is my favorite. She's working that 90s look of the spaghetti dress over the tank.

OK! Magazine has these pictures in their newest issue from JL's special day. She talked to OK! about seeing Brit Brit for the first time in a while, "It was wonderful to be able to spend time with her and just be girls again. We painted our nails and did stupid stuff." The stupid stuff means they drank a whole bottle of NyQuil in the bathroom.

JL also said that Brit Brit gave her some words of wisdom. Don't spit out your coffee! Your boss is watching. JL said, "She told me, 'There are going to be some long nights, but it is completely worth it.'" She also gave her a recipe for "baby sleepy drank." It's made with bourbon, whiskey, Tylenol PM, Sunny D and Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime tea.

Brit Brit has been given more time with her boys, but it's unclear exactly how much more. KFed's attorney said the changes made today in court will take into effect sometime in the "near future." He said KFed's "goal and his hope is his children will have the benefit of having two parents participating actively in their lives."

KFed's goal is for more money. Brit's goal is for more frapps. Delicious frapps!

KFed's attorney went on to say, "The court made orders today, they were orders that the parties were able to mostly agree to It represents a cautious step moving forward. The children are doing great — that's the key."

Daddy Spears and Lynne issued this statement, "We are so pleased with Britney's progress, and we are very appreciative of the court's recognition of this progress."

SPF and JJ issued this statement, "Can Angelina adopt us?"

Here's Brit Brit at Bally's yesterday. The woman in the first thumbnail looks frightened. I guess I would be too if I was that close to Brit.

UPDATE: TMZ is reporting that Brit will get 3 days of supervised visitation per week. She will also have overnight visits with her boys within the month. Midnight margaritas for JJ and SPF again!!! The goal is to get Brit 50/50 custody again over the next few months.

Brit Brit is in court today for stalking Chester Cheetah. No, she's in court for that neverending melodrama called her child custody case. By the time that shit is over, the boys will be 18 already!

Isn't that such a beautiful sketch of Brit Brit? She should hang it over her toilet right underneath her "Footprints in the Sand" poem.

Source: TMZ

Brit Brit looks freshly bathed and her weave doesn't look like it's been inhabited by a family of slow rats. I had to say "slow rats," because smarts rats know better than to live in that nest.

This is the first shot of Brit Brit's triumphant return to "How I Met Your Mother." In the episode, airing May 12th, Brit Brit's character falls for Doogie Howser. I mean, who wouldn't fall for him?

Brit issued this statement: "I had such a great experience the last time I was on the show that I couldn't wait to come back. I was really looking forward to working with this cast and crew again. Everyone was so nice. Abby is going to have a lot of fun!"

Who the hell wrote that shit for her? London? He's so eloquent. What Brit Brit meant to say was: "Ahs needed tha money! Cheetos ain't! cheap"