Hot Slut of the Week

Birthday: 1974ish
Age: 34 (in real-life human years)
Birth Name: ?

Original Date of HS of the Day: November 9, 2009
Claim to Fame: Patty is the Kim Zolciak of the Style Network's Real Housewives' knock-off Dallas Divas & Daughters. Patty is an unemployed single natural beauty, but is always driving fancy cars and wearing expensive clothes. And just like Kim Zolciak, Patty's hair was rescued from an animal shelter.

Where is she now? Patty is most likely at her local church where regular people come to pray to her celestial eyebrows on a daily basis. If you take a few shots of tequila and squint, you can see Jesus' palms in her brows.

Why is she HS of the Week? Um. EYEBROWS. And because Patty is so misunderstood. On this past episode, Patty showed up to a party dressed like Dianne Wiest in Bullets Over Broadway (more like Bullets Over Compton). But those dumb bitches in Dallas couldn't wrap their simple heads around Patty's glamour:

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: Dolores

Original Date of HS of the Day: November 5, 2009
Claim to Fame: Dolores was just a regular ole' bear at the Leipzig Zoo in Germany. And then for some reason, Dolores and the other chick bears (named Lolita and Bianca) lost all of their fur. While experts try to figure out why the bears have suddenly become Jude Law's hairline, Dolores and her friends are walking around nekkid.

Where is she now? Um. Walking around nekkid.
Why is she HS of the Week? Um. Because she walks around nekkid. And because she's a bear named Dolores. Who names a bear Dolores?! While her friends have sexy names like Lolita and Bianca, she has the name Dolores! That's kind of hot.

Below is footage of Dolores....walking around nekkid. Someone should really put black bars over her frozen fuck parts. Privacy please!

Birthday: 32
Age: 1977ish
Birth Name: ?

Original Date of HS of the Day: October 31, 2009
Claim to Fame: Deidra has been shaking her chichichichichichiiiiiis and belly all over the internet for a few years now. Deidra mostly works as a BBW internet model, but every now and again she graces TV screens. Most recently, Deidra was a contestant on Canada's Halloween Superstar, but sadly she didn't win that shit.

Where is she now? Deidra is going to be on National Geographic Channel's Taboo in a few weeks where she'll talk about how she embraces being a BBW.
Why is she HS of the Week? I'm just going to let Deidra's MySpace Gallery do the talking.

And below is Deidra's triumphant appearance on Miami Ink:

Birthday: ?
Age: Don't ask unless you want a knot in your forehead.
Birth Name: Abuelita. Simply, Abuelita.

Original Date of HS of the Day: October 21, 2007
Claim to Fame: I'll let Abuelita herself explain: "Por generaciones, el Chocolate Abuelita de Nestlé ha sido parte esencial de nuestra cocina. Al ser rico y espumoso, nos brinda un exquisito sabor con “calor de hogar”. Úsalo para darle vida a tradicionales platillos, como el mole. Y para esos días en que tienes poco tiempo y mucho antojo, disfruta de Abuelita Instantáneo." Doesn't that just warm your inner soul, and make you want to look behind your back for flying chanklas?

And time for a fun fact: Mexican legend Sara Garcia has been the image of Abuelita hot chocolate since the olden days.

Where is she now? Probably burning some brat's tongue for talking back. And Abuelita burns with a hot knife.
Why is she HS of the Week? Do we even need to ask?

Birthday: 1982ish
Age: 27
Birth Name: ?

Original Date of HS of the Day: October 16, 2009
Claim to Fame: Derek J is a hairstylist/wig-tamer in Atlanta who became a fashion icon to all after he made a came on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Derek J still makes my gay bone tingle at all hours of the night (not like that!). If you ever need a healthy supply of glitter and glamour injected into a boring ass event, invite Derek J!

Where is he now? Most likely ransacking the BBW and shoe sections at a designer discount department store. Bitch will destroy a TJ Maxx "just in" designer section like NOBODY ELSE!

Why is he Hot Slut of the Week? Look at him! If this amazing Tasmanian He-Devil doesn't make you feel things you've never felt before, then I don't even know!

(Image via Derek J's MySpace)

Birthday: July 19, 1960
Age: 49
Birth Name: Francine Lons

Original Date of HS of the Day: October 7, 2009
Claim to Fame: Frankie is a crackhead turned jail bird turned breakout reality star. Frankie first became the bowl in my pipe on her daughter's reality show: Keyshia Cole: The Way It Is. Keyshia decided she wanted to distance herself from the fuckery, so BET gave Frankie her own show with her other daughter Neffie.

Where is she now? Last night, Frankie worked the red carpet at the BET Hip Hop Awards (above) wearing dentures made out of Reynolds Wrap and a wig Frankie is also working on a perfume called "HOLLA" and a shoe line called "CODE 10." Lisa Wu Hartwell isn't the only serious business woman in Atlanta.

Why is she Hot Slut of the Week? Because of shit like this:

Birthday: Every day
Age: Forever young
Birth Name: Tengobaila Ailey Astaire Robbins Baryshnikov Fosse Graham Abdul

Original Date of HS of the Day: October 1, 2009
Claim to Fame: Tengobaila is a YouTube superstar who has uploaded hundreds of videos of her busting out moves and burning up her living room carpet. I seriously spent the better part of my weekend watching all over her mini-masterpieces completely sober. Who needs the good shit when you have Tengobaila's kicks and thrusts to take you higher. Yes, it's that serious.

Where is she now? Hopefully choreographing another glamorous ballet to an important piece of music (example: Lissette Melendez's "Together Forever").

Why is she HS of the Week? There is not enough time in our lives to list all the reasons, but below is reason enough. It's a clip of Tengobaila dancing to The Party's "In My Dreams." Yes, The Fucking Party from The Mickey Mouse Club. Tengobaila is single-handedly keeping their memory alive!

Birthday: 1984ish
Age: 25 (CHOKE)
Birth Name: Brynne Gordon

Original Date of HS of the Day: September 22, 2009
Claim to Fame: Brynne's one and only claim to fame is wearing a seriously elegant ensemble to the Barlow Awards in Australia. Brynne, who used to a fitness instructor in California, was escorting her 66-year-old millionaire fiancee. That is seriously her only credit! Hey, it's enough for me. And bitch is still more talented than Heidi Montag.

Where is she now? Most likely having high tea with the finest ladies in Australia. Either that or she's polishing her fiance's limp noodle.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because this time last month, nobody knew who Brynne was. Then she wore a gown fit for a lap dancer and became famous overnight! She's a modern day Cinderella! Sluterella! Cumerella!

Below are your ravishing pictures of the new adopted rose of Australia. You can also click here to listen to a radio interview Brynne gave about the dress. Brynne bought it in Las Vegas (of course) and said she added the rhinestone bra, because the dress needed to be classed up a bit. Amazing.

Birthday: 1990 or 1991
Age: 18 or 19
Birth Name: ?

Original Date of HS of the Day: September 16, 2009
Claim to Fame: Tania is thee premiere serial celebrity hugger over in the UK. Okay, she's the only serial celebrity hugger. Some say Tania is a stalker-type, but I don't think that. She merely just wants to share the love by squeezing the jizz out of celebwhores.

Where is she now? Hopefully, pitching a show with Quween on the Scene. The two are destined to be the new Cagney & Lacey.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because a lot of those famewhores could use a hug. Although, you know Tania sometimes grabs their wallet for a tip. Hey, she earned it. IN THIS ECONOMY, even hugs aren't free.

Below is Tania killing the ear drums of pigeons and humans by "singing" some song she made up while making a shrine to X-Factor. Okay....maybe she's just a little Fatal Attraction-ish....

Birthday: ?
Age: ?
Birth Name: ?

Original Date of HS of the Day: September 6, 2009
Claim to Fame: Grace was a model-type in the olden days, but her career got cut short after she was involved in a serious car crash. After she got fixed back up, she started at the bottom of the barrel at Vogue UK. Now, she's the Creative Director of Vogue US. She's also thee star of that September Issue documentary.

Where is she now? Hopefully, shanking that turtle woman Anna Wintour with her eyes or talking trash about her in the break room.

Why is she HS of the Week? Because Anna Wintour doesn't scare her ass. And because she's a natural ginge. And AND because she might be part Klingon.