The Jokes Write Themselves

I KNOW! I KNOW! You keep trying to drag me away from the animal cages, but I won't stop throwing peanut shells at them. You even rubbed my nose in the "Do Not Feed The Beasts" sign, but I didn't get the clue. You were even kind enough to wipe their wet dung off my face after they threw it at me, but I still can't stop!

I feel like if I have to suffer, you have to suffer too. It's kind of like the time (just go with it) your friend made a green caca from drinking a black raspberry Coke slushie from Burger King, and called you into the bathroom so that you could see it. It's like that. We're all standing around the toilet together. Which leads me to these pictures of Tila Tequila Worm squirming around on the floor (where she belongs) at some Maxim party in Los Angeles last night. It's fitting that bitch looks like a used tampon that fell out of the Kraken's snatch. It was a heavy flow week.

Woody Allen thinks that we should open the door to Roman Polanski's fancy Swiss chalet/prison and let him roam free, because he has "paid his dues" already. This is too easy. It's like taking ludes from a child rapist. The hos over at The Onion must be writing Woody Allen's words for him.

While promoting his movie at Cannes, Woody says that Roman has already been "embarrassed by the whole thing" and "has suffered" enough. Woody went on to say that Roman is "an artist and is a nice person" who "did something wrong and he paid for it."

Roman quickly issued this response, "Woody, you're not helping."

Who's going to issue another endorsement? The Catholic Church?! This is as if Pete Doherty vouched for Lindsay Lohan's sobriety. Or if Vanilla Gorilla testified in a court that Tiger Woods is not a massive slut. Or if Jocelyn Wildenstein came out and said that Heidi Montag is a natural flower who doesn't need to be banned from every plastic surgeon's scalpel. I mean...

Woody just needs to drop the shovel, put his head back in his shell and let others do the grave digging for Roman...

Here's the turtled one with Lucy Punch, Naomi Watts, Gemma Jones, Josh Brolin and Soon-Yi at the Cannes premiere of You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger the other day.

via the bottom of a vodka bottle

On the internet exists a 100% real website (we think) that is completely and utterly devoted to publicly restoring Stephen Baldwin's good name by taking donations from YOU. Sorry, Haiti, the star of Sharks in Venice needs our coins so that he can pay the lease on his Buick and his membership to TrannySurprise.com (you know that's in his favorites). It's in the name of God, after all.

The video looks like it was produced by the same bitches who put together that Scientology master(crazy)piece starring Tommy Girl. If the Trinity Network had their own True Hollywood Stories series, the trailer would look like this mess. Speaking of mess.....

The entire website will make you laugh with your fists and fart with your eyes. Example:

Q- Why doesn't his family help him?
A- His family does not perceive Stephen’s predicament as a matter of spiritual warfare. They see Stephen’s outspoken Christianity as poor choices therefore they will not help.

Q- What happened to his wealth?
A- When he became an outspoken Christian in 2002 his income went down by 70% when he refused roles with gratuitous sex and violence.

Q- If Stephen was not involved how did you get permission to do this?
A- Daniel Southern is Stephen’s spiritual advisor and the President of Stephen’s ministries. We contacted Daniel who gave us written permission to build the site.

The best part is that they are just asking for a small donation of $4.21! 421! The day after 420. This is fucking perfect since on 4/21 I usually feel parched, bloated and hungry for anything that's batter-based. And that's exactly how this website makes me feel.

And just because Stephen Baldwin is hard up for a job doesn't mean he's the modern day Job. You are not what you need.

via Videogum

Kate Gosselin recently admitted that her cabbage patch hasn't been watered (blunt talk: hasn't been fucked) in 15 months. That pretty much explains everything. Well, Kate is looking to jump start her chocha, and she wants Jeff Goldblum or The Hoff to provide the cable. When you topple over from laughing so hard, make sure to break your fall with a potted plant. A lesson from Hailey Glassman.

A source tells Popeater that Kate thinks dating a celebrity will make her even more famous, "Kate is serious about going Hollywood and thinks dating a celebrity is a great idea. When Kate sees how Tom Cruise changed Katie Holmes life, it became clear that she needed to do the same. Obviously, she knows she's not yet ready to date a George Clooney, but she thinks she would be the perfect partner for a Jeff Goldblum or someone like David Hasselhoff."

The only man Kate should see on a regular basis is a psychiatrist who has the patience of a toilet and nerves as strong as Vadge's clitoris. I mean, if Kate dated The Hoff, he would most likely take her child army with him to the bar for booze and burgers. Does Kate want a bunch of alcoholic toddlers running around the place?

Actually, Kate's 8 probably gets as much booze as they want already. They just have to stroll into a bar and say, "My mother is Kate Gosselin." A ROUND FOR EVERYBODY! Grab the keg, because a bottle needs filling!

And Jeff Goldblum? I've already seen that movie and I don't need an encore. Seriously, Kate Gosselin and Jeff Goldblum having sex would look like that scene in The Fly where he barfs on that dude's hand and it disintegrates down to the bone:

You know, I think Kate Gosselin having sex with anyone looks like this.

This is exactly why I stopped doing Ecstasy and going to raves years ago. Kesha (her dollar sign has been repossessed) brought her flea market fuckery to Saturday Night Live last night, and I don't know if my system will ever be able to make endorphins again.

At the beginning of that Tik Tok mess (above), Kesha had a look on her face like someone was holding a gun to her head and forcing her to thrust her American Apparel-ized camel toe while a couple of MTV trophies stumbled behind her ass. She was as mortified as all of us. And that outfit. It's as if Gay Al Reynolds commissioned a Captain America costume for his 4th of July party. If you see the skeleton of Betsy Ross rolling around the streets, you now know why. Bitch rolled out of her grave and kept going.

For her second performance, Kesha took the stage looking like she was the recipient of a lava lamp and glow stick bukkake party in a tepee. This is what happens when you lace your peyote with freon.

And since Shrimp in a Diaper thinks she's like Native American now can someone send her a smoke signal that reads: "HO STOP!"

Lindsay Lohan is waving her coke finger at George Lopez after he reportedly made a joke on his show about the 8-ball that exploded in her shoe the other night. Since nobody really watches George Lopez's show, it's not known what the actual joke was. Whatever George said, it really fucked with Lindsay's buzz and she had words with him on Twitter. Here's your daily dose Lohan comedy:

@georgelopez thanks for the childish comment regarding baby powder in my shoes to loosen up the leather* don't you have kids?

@georgelopez U wouldn't wanna hear that about them, or would you? Act like a grown man, have some respect and dignity for yourself.

George Lopez responded to her and basically tried to get her on his show. If George really wants to get Lindsay on his show, he should've just told her that Dr. Conrad Murray does all the catering for his green room.

@lindsaylohan let's take this off twitter .. Come on the show .. I've met you before and don't have anything against you .

@lindsaylohan you want me to stop talking about you I will .. Come and tell me .. To my face .. I'll stop !! Respectfully.

This is confusing. George Lopez joked that Lindsay's shoes are filled with baby powder, and she finds that offensive? Can somebody please try to get into Lindsay's state of mind (hint: spray a can of Lysol into a paper bag and huff until Samantha Ronson starts to look attractive to you) and tell me what she's thinking. Does she think George was somehow making a joke about her leathery vag? As my mother would say, this girl needs to eat more fish (not that kind of fish).

And the word "dignity" is officially on restriction for two weeks. No TV or personal phone calls! That's what it gets for continuing to hang around with the likes of Lindsay Lohan after we told it not to!

Doesn't Lindsay Lohan know that you should never ever hide the 8-ball in your shoe?! I thought White Oprah taught her everything! Worst mom of all-time. First of all, I doubt she wants to get a case of Athlete's Foot in her nose since you know her hooves got the itch. Second of all, one wrong step and the entire party goes all over the damn ground (as seen above). Hide the stash up your b-hole like a normal person.

But seriously, it's probably just a little foot powder for stank, and like with everything she went a little overboard. The best part is that Lindsay doesn't seem to realize that her feet look like Pete Doherty just sneezed on them. Or maybe she did it on purpose hoping that the cokefeet trend will catch on. These shoes were made for snortin'.

This is the closest you will ever get to seeing a Katy Perry/Russell Brand sex tape! At last night's Nickelodeon Chirruns' Choice Awards, Katy came prepared to get slimed on stage. Usually, those kinky whores at Nickelodeon drop the Green Giant's jizz load on top of a celebrity's head, but they did it special for Katy. They gave it to her in the face! Homegirl is used to it since she is engaged to Russell Brand, and that's pretty much what it looks like when he orgasms. Same color and everything.

And thankfully for Katy, she didn't have to waste her time washing the slime off in the shower. Someone told Jonah Hill that the slime is actually blended Mountain Dew cupcakes, so he licked that mess off in a hot second.

If you've ever wanted to taste Aubrey O'Day's creampie, you're disgusting! But in addition to being gross, you're also in luck because she now has her own milkshake over at Millions of Milkshakes in Los Angeles. Aubrey O'Day lives to pose with whipped cream like it's a dollop of man milk, so thankfully for her a place like Millions of Milkshakes exists!

Aubrey followed up her computer-generated bukkake ad for Millions of Famewhores by creating a milkshake named after her. Aubrey's delicious cup of wart puss contains milky sweat from Diddy's over-moisturized nutsack, coagulated silicone from a leaky implant, two drops of red dog dye and one bottle of Hawaiian Tropic Dark Tanning Oil. One sip of it will send you into ecstasy. One sip will also send you to quarantine by order of the Department of Health, but at least you'll have one second of pleasure before that happens.

The launch party for Aubrey's blended creampie brought out the likes of her tortured dogs, Quinton Aaron from The Blind Side, a pervy Elmo, and some refined royal lady who stopped by before meeting the Queen at Buckingham Palace for Hot Toddies (see last thumbnail).