The Jokes Write Themselves

Amber Rose, the Susan Powter of rap star hos, went on a pound sign-ridden Twitter rant the other day over Vibe Magazine allegedly filling their cover story on her with lies and stuffing fake words into her mouth. Kanye West taught Amber well in the art of Twitter tantrums, because this bald headed ho released a spray of hash tag fucks directed at Vibe. Amber doesn't really specify as to which parts of Vibe's story charbroiled her asshole, but Animal New York thinks it might be this little piece.

The high-profile relationship took a turn in Hawaii during Kanye’s recording sessions for his cathartic fifth album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy. West booked an entire Honolulu studio indefinitely for 24-hour slots while a cast of artists joined him for long days of business. Rose allegedly didn’t take to the all-work, no-play atmosphere. “In Hawaii [Amber] was being obnoxious in the studio like, ‘What the fuck? I wanna fucking eat,’” says an anonymous source. “Kanye got so mad because here he is trying to record and she keeps talking about, ‘Let’s go back to the house, I wanna fuck. We haven’t fucked in two days.’ I left the room for 10 minutes and when I came back he [told her], ‘Yo get the fuck up out of here!’ She left the room crying.

Amber shouldn't feel sad, mad or embarrassed about that mess since "Yo get the fuck up out of here" is the same thing Kanye quietly said to Taylor Swift before kidnapping the mic from her. It's also what Kanye says to humbleness anytime it tries to get on him. But Amber is still mad and this is what she blasted at Vibe.

Just read "my" interview in @VibeMagazine half of the story was untrue & ridiculous!

F##K that Cover F##K @VibeMagazine yall wrote a bunch of negative bullshit that I never said or did.

Yall don't give a fuck that I have a Mom & Family thats gonna read that fake ass shit I gave yall a truthful interview & Yall f##ked me.

I'm so sick of keeping my mouth shut I didn't ask for this life it was handed to me I was nothing but nice to everyone I spoke to @ Vibe

"I didn't ask for this life it was handed to me" really is a classic quote that Amber should tattoo into her ass crack. I would wrap Amber Rose in a giant "BITCH PLEASE" but that would be cruel. Amber has been through enough! Amber has no choice but to pay her barber bills by giving interviews for absolutely no reason and flashing her nalgas in the likes of King Magazine. Amber can't get a regular job, because there's a good chance (and by "good" I mean "no") she'll be recognized and mobbed! You think about this the next time Kanye hands you his peen. If you accept, you might have to live the rest of your life on the step below the Kardashians on the famewhore ladder.

May we all say a prayer over our Memorial Day hot dogs today for Amber Rose's struggles. It's hard being Amber Rose.

One way of shooting the gay rumors into the far distance is to talk about the time you caught a pussy ball with your mouth at a bar in Thailand. And Bradley Cooper did just that on Conan the other night. Todd Phillips, the director of The Hangover II, wanted to take pictures of all the characters acting like drunk fools all over Bangkok. So they all went to this bar and marveled at the skills of one talented trick who could turn her snatch into a ping pong ball launching machine. (Just like my movie idol, Cynthia from Priscilla Queen of the Desert!) B. Coop thought it would be every shade of hilarious if he opened his mouth as the pussy pong ball came flying out and well, I'll let him say it in his words:

"Bangkok is known for these venues where females are able to do things with their nether regions that you wouldn't think they'd normally do. So this one gal was able to eject ping pong balls at high velocities with amazing accuracy. I, being the jackass that I am, was like, 'Let's do one where I'm like (opens mouth).' And I mean, pssssht, right in my mouth. Record skips, handi wipes coming out from everywhere, Ed Helms is throwing up! By the way, that's not the only thing they do."

Now this is the point in a post when I can either take a right by making the obvious joke about how I don't know why everyone was freaking out since B. Coop always has Thai balls in his mouth. Or I can take a left by saying Renee Zellweger is wishing she could squint and launch with her vagina so that B. Coop would've opened his mouth around her every now and again. Or I can just keep my foot on the brake and we can share a joint while looking at these absolutely thrilling pictures from last night's The Hangover II premiere in L.A.

In order: B. Coop in brown, RDJ with his wife, Ed Helms, Zach Galfalafelkisskiss, Alyssa Milano, the pigeon whisperer, Jordin Sparks, Krystal Kardashian, Mr. Jay and Ken Jeong.

Amy Wino has checked into her favorite place ever, THE CLINIC, for a full week, but it isn't what you think. Wino's visit has nothing to do with the bad shit and she also isn't there for her annual tune-up which involves prying off the year-old ballet slippers that have embedded themselves onto her feet skin and pouring more of those liquid-absorbing water crystals you get at the swap meet into the place where her liver used to be. Nope! The Sun says that Wino is laid up in The Clinic, because she wants to get her body ready for a womb invasion. Yup, Wino wants a baby (cut to Child Protective Services building a pop-up office in front of Wino's house).

A source tells The Sun, "Amy has checked herself in. She wants to get herself 'baby ready' so she and Reg Traviss can start a family in the not too distant future."

BABY READY? What does that even mean? Are they installing one of those swimming pool fences around her womb so that the fetus doesn't crawl out and accidentally eat on a lump of coke lying around in there? Are they getting one of the experts on Hoarders to clean out her uterus, because over the years her system has used it to store stuff that has made its way into her body for one reason or another (examples: crack pipes that weren't strong enough to resist her suction skills, half of Blaaaaaaaake's peen, the patch of hair missing from Prince William's head, etc...)?

I bet that Wino is in there to get the plastic watermelons in her chest removed, because she doesn't want the gross taste of silicone to taint the 100 proof vodka milk her titties produce. Not wanting to serve your newborn a nasty tasting White Russian is the true sign of a wonderful mother!

Seen here wearing a "Caca Jumped Over The Moon" dress in London this afternoon, Lady Gaga wrote a 2-page masturbation piece for V Magazine where she anointed herself a glam librarian who can teach a master class in fashion and art. The only thing Lady Gaga's article taught me is how to roll my eyes and fart at the same time. Caca starts stroking her dick right away:

"Glam culture is ultimately rooted in obsession, and those of us who are truly devoted and loyal to lifestyle of glamour are masters of its history. Or, to put it more elegantly, we are librarians. I myself can look at almost any hemline, silhouette, bead work, or heel architecture and tell you very precisely who designed it first, what French painter they stole it from, how many designers reinvented it after them, and what cultural and musical movement parented the birth, death, and resurrection of that particular trend. So dear critics and bullies: get your library cards out, because I'm about to do a reading."

Jesus damn. It's like I'm stuck next to the know-it-all first year art student at a party and trying to find a way to excuse myself so that I can go pet the cat in the corner for four hours. But nope, she has more to say and the shit she's full of is bubbling over and starting to produce more thoughts. Like this one:

"Any writer, or anyone for that matter, who doesn’t understand the last two sentences of this column should NEVER be writing about or critiquing fashion or artists in publication. As someone who references and annotates her work vigilantly, I am putting all of you on notice. I've done my homework, have you? Where are your library cards? Did they expire?"

And this one:

"There is no chicken or egg. It's molecular. Cells give birth to cells. To put it more bluntly, the Hussein Chalayan vessel I wore at the Grammys wasn't inspired by a chicken. It was stolen from an egg. But the transformation, the context, and the approach taken to reinterpret the meaning of birth and rebirth in terms of fame on a fucking red carpet — this is what creates the modernity of the statement. The past undergoes mitosis, becoming the originality of the future."

BITCH, you fucking write songs about telephones and mirror ball dicks! And to think I started to get sweet on Caca for wearing Lucite penis heels. Typical me. Always getting blinded by plastic dicks.

Gawker has scanned the entire thing here for your enjoyment.

And since you were wondering, I did not understand the last two sentences of her column, because why in dusty hell would Nan Kempner carry her fucking library card around? What is it with Caca and library cards? Who carries around a library card anymore? The way she goes on about the damn library makes me think that she thinks she's Parker Posey in Party Girl. Caca wishes. HEY! HEY! GOODBYE!

The coke-laced delusions of grandeur that constantly hard fuck the frontal lobes of Lindsay Lohan's brain worked up a serious sweat last night at Beauty & Essex in NYC! LiLo held court at a table of her trained head nodders and went on about how she's best friends with James Franco and will consider playing Glinda in the new Oz movie if her "best friend" is involved. HAHAHA. The shit that comes out of that crazy ho's mouth. Some ignis fatuus shit to the tenth degree.

It's sort of like if I held court at a table of no one at the Olive Garden and mouth farted about how I'm going to decorate the guest room in the charming Cape Cod beach house Anderson Cooper is going to buy for us after our wedding. I mean, I'm nuts, but I've never done that. (Note to the Olive Garden waiter side-eye-ing that sentence: You don't know what you saw! You lie! Shut your eyes! Shut your fingers! Just shut it!)

Page Six says that LiLo talked about playing Victoria Gotti even though it's not a done deal yet. LiLo then said she wants the female role in Oliver Stone's Savages and will consider playing Glinda in Oz: The Great and Powerful. LiLo kept the laughs going when she went on to say, "I'll only do the movie if I can work with [James Franco]. We're like best friends. We're hanging out later." FYI: Blake NotSoLively is in talks for both of the roles LiLo has her good eye on.

A source tells Page Six that the producers of Oz have never and will never consider LiLo for Glinda.

I would feel sorry for LiLo, but my emotions are currently occupied with other things: namely, laughing. I can totally picture White Oprah cold calling up the casting directors of high-profile projects to politely thank them for considering LiLo for the lead role, but unfortunately she's got too much on her plate at the moment: namely, coke.

It happened last night! After all the "Maks better get a Kryptonite spine transplant and wear a weight lift cummerbund" jokes, it really happened. After Kirstie Alley told a sad story about how she got her big break at the same time her mother was killed by a drunk driver, she sashayed out onto the dance floor to twist her ham hocks to a ukelele version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." A few seconds into their routine, her partner Maks Chmerkovskiy started cringing in his face and then dropped Kirstie faster than Tommy Girl drops Katie Holmes' hand when the cameras aren't around. You couldn't hear the boom when Kirstie hit the floor, because it was deafened by Xenu cackling on top of his volcano. Thetans failed her now!

As the muscles in Maks' legs refused to de-erect themselves, he shook it off and the two continued to RUMBA FOR THEIR LIVES!!! The fall might've worked in Kirstie's favor, because the judges gave her a 21 out of 30, 1 point higher than last week.

Kirstie's head is filled with the kind of craziness that is only developed from sniffing John Travolta's old ass juices marinating on the benches in the Scientology community sauna, but she's really damn likable on this mess of a shit show. And she can move. So if anything, this fall is going to get her even more votes. As soon as that ho's ass sucked the floor, I just knew half of the viewers picked up their phones. Wendy Williams better stage an accidental wig snatching next week if she wants to stay in the game.

On Good Morning America today, Maks apologized and then said he simply got a charley horse. Nothing broke, nothing tore. Kirstie brushed off the fall and showed love for Marks on Twitter:

I salute u... U r a gladiator .... A champion... I'm honored to be your partner

Thank u all for your support and your votes.... Sort of a beauty in Live TV... Because it's live... Anything can happen... gotta love it!!!!

Meanwhile, TBS probably put a padlock on George Lopez's tongue, because you just know a "cow tipping" joke is sitting on the edge waiting to jump.

While pushing that Kennedys miniseries on Ellen, Katie Holmes brought up the paparazzi picture of Suri Cruise holding a box of Penis Gummies at Serendipity in NYC. Most of figured that Suri was just being a mindful daughter by bringing her daddy something she always sees in his candy drawer. Stepford Katie says that she thought they were Swedish Fish at first and no she wasn't making a Britt Ekland vagina joke. No.

Katie also couldn't bring her lips to push out the word PENIS without spelling it letter by letter. Katie lets Suri wear high heels and takes her out at midnight, but yet she doesn't want her to hear the word PENIS?! But you know, Katie has a really good reason for that. She knows that if she says "penis" out loud, there's a really good chance the ground will shake, lube bottles will roll and Tommy Girl's Scientolohole will come galloping out and chopping at the bit. Katie is just playing it safe. And here's what she had to say about that box of Gummy Bear dicks (via HuffPo):

"Recently, I took her to get ice cream in New York at this place called Serendipity that we go to all the time. It's for kids. The clientele is children. We go in and we are waiting for a table and she grabs some gummies that are boy part gummies. I was horrified.

They are called p-e-n-i-s gummies and they look like it. She was holding the box and I was like ok, wow we don't need that right now. Because I thought if I said put that back and then she's going to say, what is this? And I really didn't want to have that conversation. I was like, why are selling these here? This is for kids. And then it was on the cover of a magazine that I'm giving her those gummies."

Did anybody ever think that maybe Katie had no idea what a P-E-N-I-S looks like? It's not like she runs into them all the time in her daily life. I bet one of her handlers had to pull her aside and give her "the talk" right there. It's an honest mistake.

No, this picture was not taken at the Scientology gift shop. It was taken a little after midnight today at Serendipity 3 in NYC. Stepford Katie's internal screensaver (Tommy Girl slow dipping an L. Ron Hubbard hologram on a loop) must've kicked in before this picture was taken, because she has no idea that little Suri is holding a box of PENIS GUMMIES. And Katie's head stayed in a state of hazy cluelessness for the rest of the night, because a rep for Serendipity tells the Daily Mail that one of Suri's slaves paid for the box of fruity flaccid peens before they left.

You know, I'm still waiting for the moment when Yoko Ono takes off her Suri Cruise suit and reveals that this has all been part of an elaborate performance art piece. The high-heels. The pacifier addiction. The Penis Gummies. Even Noah Cyrus is saying, "....too much...too much."

And yes, Serendipity (more like Serendickity) sells dick candies. Save me a place in line.

The Situation's face is a dried apricot molded to look like the mug of Don Knotts, but unfortunately for him that's where the Mr. Furley comparisons end. Unlike the dearly departed Don Knotts, The Situation has the delivery of a dead pigeon and he made this perfectly clear at the roasting of Donald Trump, which aired on Comedy Central last night. Every single LOL grenade that The Situation threw into the audience, was thrown back onto the stage and bombed right in his face. Bitch might be a 5-star chef when it comes to roasting his face on a tanning bed, but he failed to ignite one spark in the straw nest on Trump's head. This is the kind of awkwardness The Situation's trick hos must feel after they realize that he is sticking it all the way in. Bitch Boom Bye, etc....

The tumbleweed of silence followed by the occasional boo and pity laugh make this even more uncomfortable. My feelings about this soggy campfire The Situation calls a comedy act is best expressed through this still shot of Ice-T's reaction:

Even CoCo's always smiling camel toe is cringing at this mess.

via Radar

....as do the vomitous bubbles that form on your eyeballs when you see these two together. Kat Von D and Vanilla Gorilla celebrated her 29th birthday yesterday by partaking in a good old-fashioned photo-op on the roof of a parking garage in Santa Monica, CA. Kat told the paps that she wanted a picture to remember her special day. Kat, who wore Shaggy's favorite vacation outfit, also wanted to give the tabloids a precious cover picture to tear in two with Photoshop when Vanilla Gorilla's swastidick gets caught in another trick's poon. Kat is considerate like that.

And VG is always heiling Hitler with his entire body. Like he's as stiff as a rigamortized dick. I bet that VG killed the "stiff as a board" part during the "Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board" game.