The Jokes Write Themselves

Oh, RiRi, I can't quite see your bits. SLUT FAIL. This is a picture Rhianna tweeted of herself on her weekend in Barbados.

TMZ has more pics, and you can check them out. The point is that RiRi is more fabulous and has less class than the rest of us!! Thank you RiRi, for both your love of being half nekkid and your dedication to making me feel like a true lady in comparison. It takes a lot to upstage me, and I bow low in your slutty wake.

So today, my mom got onto me for being all about Dlisted and not about my kids at Christmastime. Looking at these pics of RiRi, I don't feel so bad. Sorry Mom. And sorry kids, you will have to deal with EVERYTHING YOU WANTED PLUS SOME on Christmas morning. But at least I don't have my ass hanging out for the world to see. You're welcome, kids.

Try not to hate as you try and fail to reenact this glorious moment for your S.O. Leg zit sold separately.

Okay, Baby should be put in the corner this time.

At an after-party for Z100's Jingle Ball in NYC on Friday night, Taylor Swift and Harry Styles had the time of their lives when they did the Dirty Dancing lift on the dance floor. This would be okay if they had both snorted powdered Ecstasy or were ten shades of drunk, and did it as a joke. But you know they practiced this during one of their slumber parties and Taylor made the DJ play the right song and everything. They did this for serious.

Harry Styles had Taylor Swift's apple tart vagina that close to his face and she's looking up into the spotlights like she's Jennifer Grey, and he didn't drop her ass on the floor before picking up the phone to fire his publicist for setting this fake shit up? Molding pieces of bread into heart shapes to feed the ducks at Central Park during a staged photo op is ONE thing to do for attention, but doing the Dirty Dancing lift with Taylor Swift is another. At what cost is it worth getting a cover of Life & Style, Harry Styles? At what cost? I can't look at you anymore, Harry.

And in this picture, Taylor is totally saying, "Say, 'Nobody puts Taylor in the corner' one more time! Please. I won't make you tuck my Holly Hobbies dolls in tonight if you do."

via Heat World

It's the end of the year so all the whores in Pimp Mama Kris' stable are working hard to meet their yearly quota of photo-ops. So that's why Scott IsADick and the slow Kardashian, wearing Mrs. Roper's old lounging pants, took their two kids to the beach for a little bonding time with the paps. No, I won't judge your gross, shameless ass for staring hard to see if you can make out Scott's peen print. I will let the Sky God judge you for that since lusting after one of his enemy's whores is a sin!

Scott Disick is wearing an eye patch now, because he made the mistake of walking into the Kartrashian family kitchen one day completely sober and without tinted safety goggles on. Bruce Jenner was there and it's natural human instinct to stab yourself in the eye with a kitchen knife after seeing Bruce Jenner's face first thing in the morning. It happens. So that's why Scott is wearing an eye patch and since he's fancy, he had it monogrammed. But what does "LD" stand for? Here's some of my guesses:

- Lord Douchebag
- Little Dick
- Loves Dingleberries
- Living Diaper
- Lucifer's Darling
- Licks DaButt

And on and on and on... I can do that all day. And you know what Penelope can do all day? Throw her mom a side-eye for putting that scarf or pillowcase (or whatever) on her head.

John Krasinski threw a 42nd birthday party for Matt Damon at burlesque club The Box in London on Saturday night and invited the likes of his wife Emily Blunt, THOR (government name: Chris Hemsworth), Bill Paxton and the belle of every ball, Tommy Girl. You'd think that Tommy would have better dicks things to do on a Saturday night than hang out with those bland, basic, uncooked cauliflower people, but he can't say no to a good old-fashioned nalgas beating by a cross-dressing hostess. When John told Tommy that paddles were involved, Tommy's ass, which has a mind of its own, dropped to the ground and scooted him straight to The Box.

Page Six says that Tommy showed up without a date and his first words to Matt may or may not have been, "Direct my ass cheeks to the paddle." A source type says that Matt and Tommy were the only ones to get spanked and Matt got it extra, because it was his birthday. The source also said, "They all had a fantastic night enjoying the shows and partying till the end.”

For that cross-dressing hostess' sake, I hope she wore nose plugs and a plastic face mask, because you have no idea what could come shooting at you right after you give Tommy Girl the paddle. Spank him once, and next thing you know a geyser of barley water is shooting out of his Scientolohole before raining all over you. Tommy's definitely a squirter.

Because babies can't hold their liquor, Justin Bieber vommed on stage at his show in Glendale, Arizona last night. Yes, even Canadian messiahs get the barfs, but what's really magical about this is that he somehow kept singing as he yacked the nastiness up. That's magic! Either some trickery (aka lip-synching) is going on or Bieber trained his b-hole to sing out of his songs when his mouth is unavailable. But back to the barfs, why did Bieber get them? Here's my three theories:

1. Bitch is knocked up. See, THIS is why you need Planned Parenthood, Arizona.
2. Justin Bieber is really a performance artist and he's giving an artistic interpretation of his songs.
3. A lady in the front row flashed her actual female breasts at him.

The answer is: NONE OF THE ABOVE. This is what Bieber blamed his puking on:

Uh huh, milk... Even Usher laughed at that backstage while pulling up his pants. But seriously, this is why Justin Bieber should've never cut off the golden mop of his dreams on his head. Because if he still had hair like that, one of his dancers could've just turned him upside down and used his mop head to clean that mess up.

That headline is made of so much perfect that if someone tattooed it on a rubber peen mitten made of recycled Crocs, I'd probably wear it all the damn time. It's that perfect.

The 51-year-old co-founder of Crocs and philanthropist, George Boedecker, should be arrested and thrown into a window-less cell on Death Row for founding the company that is spreading the dark-sided, evil work of Lucifer on the feets of whores who don't realize that they're wearing a VIP ticket to the ninth circle on their hooves. But in Boulder, Colorado on Saturday night, George Boedecker was put into handcuffs for a different reason: crazy bitch got busted for driving his Porsche while on the wrong side of drunk. The Smoking Gun says that after Drunk George was pulled over, he showed everyone that he's obviously the valedrunktorian of Randy Travis' Night School Of Drunken Fuckery, because he gave the cops a performance.

Drunk George had a good reason for why his Porsche looked like it was being driven by a crazy sack of drunk. George told the cops that he wasn't driving the Porsche. George's really famous, country singer girlfriend was. When the cops asked who his girlfriend was, he said Taylor Swift. As the cops tried to swallow the laughs flooding out of their mouths, George said that Taylor is "batshit crazy" (seems about right) and after they got into an argument in his Porsche, she jumped out of the car and ran off. The cops asked George where she ran off to and he pointed to somebody's front yard and said, "Nashville." George didn't stop there and took his boozed-up antics of foolery to the next level when the cops asked him a couple of questions. It went like this:

Cop: What's your address?
Drunk George: "I have 17 fucking homes!"

Cop: Will you take a sobriety test?
Drunk George: "I'm not doing your fucking maneuvers!"

When the cops told George he was under arrest, he told them that he couldn't believe they were doing this to him "after everything he's done for this city" and then he told them to "go fuck yourselves in the ass." George declared the cops his "enemies for life" and promised to take their badges.

I love that the co-founder of Crocs is a fuck word-throwing lunatic. I love that in his mug shot, George looks like a dehydrated orange Croc that was just boiled in a pot full of liquid meth. I love that Taylor Swift is obviously just stalking the Kennedys to distract the media from the fact that she's really dating the co-founder of Crocs. I love that Taylor's next album will have the songs "Crocs in My Heart" and "Crocodile Crack Rock" in it. And I really love that when George was arrested, he had flip flops on his feet. I love all of this.

(Thanks to everyone who sent this in) 

During a press conference for her soon-to-be Galaxy National Book Award-winning "novel" In The Name Of Love, Now Magazine asked the pride of Britain Katie Price what is the rudest thing she's ever done in the name of love. If Katie Price wanted to spit out some honesty for the first time in her entire life, she would've said the time she got into a stunt marriage with Alex Reid to fulfill her love for her true soulmate: FAME. But instead, Katie told reporters about the time she Grey Goose'd her cross-dressing, MMA-fighting ex-husband. If you're sucking on the tip of a vodka bottle or having butt sex right now, you might not want to read the rest. Because reading it will ruin both of those acts for you. This is the shit that came out of Katie's mouth when asked about the rudest thing she's done for love:

"I fucked Alex up the arse with a vodka bottle."

Did we not learn anything from 1 Guy, 1 Jar?! Do NOT Google that unless you want your insides to die and fall out of your ass (you could be into that, I don't know).

So Katie basically gave Alex a vodka enema. Big deal. Who hasn't given themselves a vodka enema after they've had their wisdom teeth pulled out and the dentist told them they can't drink booze orally for a few days? We've all done it. If Katie really wanted to tell the reporters some fucked up shit she's done during sex, she should've told them about the time she gave Dane Bowers a pedicure with her twat.

via Twitter (Thanks, Becca!)

On last night's Khloe & Lamar, Khloe Kong tried to spice up their sex life (aka spice up her boring shit show) by turning her brother's old room into a Sasquatch mating cave complete with a sex swing hanging over the bed. Khloe lured her husband Lamar Odom onto the swing by secreting musky aphrodisiacal fumes (smells like boiled boar meat, tears from a human man, cow piss and wet tree bark) from her gulch. Anybody who has ever seen a Yeti and a Wookie bump fuck parts on a hammock knows what happened next. The chains broke, the ceiling caved in and the sheer force created a suction tunnel that pulled down pieces of the sky. There's a hole in heaven now, because Khloe & Lamar tried to hump on a swing!

Khloe learned the hard way that the next time she wants to screw Lamar in a swing, she should hire those people who pulled that injured elephant onto a truck. Also, there's some motorboating action between Khloe & Lamar at the end of this mess, so you might want to hold onto your eyeballs so they don't heave right out of their sockets.

via Buzzfeed

Seen here looking like a 45-year-old desperate divorced mother of two trying to pick up young meat at Spring Break in Daytona Beach, FL by luring them in with her really cool (served in a chilled tumbler of sarcasm) trucker hat, the Falcor of the south LeAnn Rimes forced some of her Twitter followers to issue an AMBER ALERT for her last week, because she wasn't Tweeting every other damn second like she normally does. Some figured that maybe LeAnn's loved ones finally did the right thing by staging a bikinivention before throwing her into rehab for a level three bikini addiction, but she neighed on Twitter yesterday that she had mouth and jaw surgery.

“K, coming clean….I had minor surgery this week and I’ve been in SO much pain it’s not even funny. Nothing major just annoying! Pain pain go away!!!!!! When it’s mouth pain and jaw pain it makes your whole head pound! YUCK."

It's nice to know that LeAnn has found a way to Tweet and wear a bikini through the pain. And I'm sure as she typed "it's not even funny," Brand Glanville laughed until silicone leaked out of her nipples at the image of Malibu's finest horse doctor taking a scalpel to LeAnn's mouth. So, it is funny to some, LeAnn. And I know you were hoping that by "mouth surgery", I meant that LeAnn got her jaw wired shut, but no. I'm guessing that LeAnn just had her molars removed since she doesn't eat solid foods anyway and it'll make her lighter. WIN/WIN!

Here's more of LeAnn in Malibu yesterday, side-boobing for the paps and doing butt sex with a bottle of sun tan lotion.