Ryan Seacrest

Taylor Swift is sliding her beard services business card under Ryan Seacrest's front door and Tommy Girl is scheduling an "audition" with Julianne Hough right now, because Ryan and Julianne are done after dating for over 2 years. People says that Ryan never had time for Julianne because he's the hardest working gnome on the stroll...and because she got sick of him calling her Derek whenever they bumped butts. This is actually pretty shocking, because you'd think that a relationship between a Mormon and a gay frog would last forever!

Some other source tells UsWeekly that since Ryan has 400 jobs, he's constantly working and never had time for Julianne. So Julianne packed up her strap-ons and got out of there, because even a leased beard needs to be groomed and fluffed every now and again. That source said this:

"Dude works all the time," a pal tells Us Weekly. "He never sleeps." Although dancer-turned-actress Hough, 24, has an increasingly hectic slate of projects herself, her priorities were a little different. It's a lifestyle she couldn't handle anymore. Work always, always came first [for Ryan] She wants a more lowkey life."

It all makes sense now! TMZ had a story a couple of days about how Julianne Hough went to visit a friend in Hollywood and left her Mercedes in the parking lot. When she went back to her car, the door was open and $100,000 worth of jewelry was missing. Ho left a bunch of jooree that Ryan Seacrest gave her in her car. I knew something in the milk wasn't clean about that. Just in case Ryan ever asked for those jewels back, she pawned them all off and covered it up by saying she was robbed. Clever beard.

And here's Ryan and Julianne in St. Barts last year during happier and carefree times when they weren't even thinking about contract renegotiations.

No, this isn't a still from The Wuzzles reunion special. This is Mimi, Keith Urban, Ryan Seacrest, Nicki Minaj and Randy Jackson on the first day of filming American Idol season 3,987 in NYC over the weekend. FOX confirmed Nicki and Keith as judges and shrugged their shoulders in a "sure, why not?" kind of way when Randy Jackson sneakily rolled in on his own chair and pushed himself into this picture, because what else is he going to do?

TMZ says that a quick second into judging, it became clear that Mimi hates Nicki and Nicki hates Mimi. When the producers told Mimi a while ago that they were adding a screaming acid wig with butt implants to the judges table, she hung up the phone on their faces. So it's no surprise that several times when Nicki opened up her raver hyena mouth to judge one of the contestants, Mimi tried to shut her talk hole up by loudly talking over her. Proving that it's not easy to shut up a screeching trick who sounds like a chipmunk getting strangled during a seizure, Nicki drowned Mimi out by talking louder. During Mimi and Nick's diva bitch off, Keith Urban quietly cut off his luscious hair and calmly braided it into a long noose so he could hang himself from the boom mic.

Mimi and Nicki need to get over themselves, because neither of them is the true diva bitch of that set. Wait until they witness the dramatic cunt queen hissy fit Ryan Gaycrest will have when he walks into his dressing room and catches Keith Urban playing with his favorite highlighting cap.

Seen here licking up the dollar signs that regularly blow out of Pimp Mama Kris' ass at Ellen K's Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony last week, Ryan Seacrest is moving out of his Hobbit cottage and into a gigantic ass estate that's almost bigger than his home village of Hobbiton in the Shire. Both the Hollywood Reporter and TMZ say that Ryan is now the proud owner of Ellen Degeneres' $49 million compound. It's the estate that the Kuntrashians and American Idol bought!

TMZ is hearing that Ryan is paying only a couple million dollars below asking, but a different source tells THR that Joel McHale's littlest arch rival is paying far from asking. It doesn't matter if Ryan paid with a giant pot of gold or with an adorable leprechaun jig, he's still calling three acres in Beverly Hills "home." On the three acres is a 9,200-square-foot mansion, a 3-bedroom house, 2 guest houses and a pool that Ryan may drown in if he forgets to wear his water wings. Ellen bought the place in 2007 for $29 million and spent five years and several million dollars building the other properties on the estate. Ellen listed it a year ago for $60 million but later reduced that shit to $49 million. Real estate agent Kurt Rappaport worked out the deal for both Ellen AND Ryan, so if you're related to him now is the time to ask for a loan you won't pay back.

This is a big estate for such a tiny man boy, but Ryan needs the room! The goats he sacrifices to Lucifer to keep the Kuntrashians on top of the whore chain will stay in one house, his beards will stay in another and he and his relatives will use the third house to make the delicious Fudge Stripe cookies we all love. But seriously, screw Ryan for this. Ryan infected humanity with the oozing, pus-filled ass wart that is the Kuntrashians and this is how he's punished? With a multi-million dollar palace? I hope that every time he shuts his tiny eyelids in that place, Ray J's boomerang dick haunts his dreams. Actually, I don't think he'd mind that...

Here's a few pictures of Ryan's new leprechaun kingdom and a few more from Ellen K's Walk of Fame ceremony. It's been a long minute since I've seen Ellen K. When did she become a mash-up of every Real Housewife of Orange County?

.......Because The Hollywood Reporter says that NBC might have to order a specially-made booster seat to go on Matt Lauer's chair. Their sources say that Ryan Gaycrest is considering leaving his American Idol job, his position as the fuckery master on E! and the familiar warmth of Simon Cowell's furry tit pies to move to NYC to take over Matt's spot on Today.

Several NBC executives and Today's executive producer met with Gaycrest earlier this week to talk about filling Matt's shoes (with the help of a few pairs of rolled socks) among other things. Matt hasn't officially announced that he's quitting that bitch, but NBC wants his replacement ready when he does. Matt's contract is up in 2012 as is Gaycrest's contract with E!.

The Today Show is basically a high(ish) brow E! News with weather reports and Ann Curry's manufactured sympathy, so they might as well go all the way with this. Replace Ann with Giuliana Rancic, replace Natalie Morales with the Glam Fairy, replace Willard Scott with Snooki and replace the weather segments with reports on the Kardashians' (aka Gaycrest's Frankenwhore monsters) fart patterns. As long as they don't touch Kathie Lee Gifford and don't force her to sober up, I'm in!

Ryan Seacrest, Julianne Hough and his family took a casual and totally impromptu stroll through the streets of Paris this morning and acted like they weren't just up in the hotel room furiously sawing off a couple of inches from the heels of her boots so she wouldn't be taller than him in case they accidentally ran into the paps.

And then the 99 Cent Store version of Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass stopped for a second and she earned her holiday bonus by busting out a choreographed laughed just like they practiced! Only it wasn't a totally fake laugh since Julianne just thought about the time she walked in on Gaycrest rubbing his taint while watching The Soup. Gaycrest loves it when Joel McHale verbally bites at him.

The new American Idol judges have barely started filming and there's already the beginnings of a bitch fight brewing between JLo and tiny little Gaycrest. This isn't really much of a bitch fight since JLo's turds are bigger than Gaycrest. Gaycrest can easily disappear with just one quick suck from JLo's b-hole. Yup, where do you think most of the Fly Girls ended up? They effed with JLo.

A source tells InTouch Weekly that Gaycrest is actually the one who suggested JLo to the judges and he doesn't like how she's turning on the diva bitch switch around him. The source says that they are scrappin' over stupid crap like who should get top billing and who should get the better dressing room, etc... The source went on to say, “Ryan was the one who first suggested Jennifer, but now he’s starting to regret it, because she’s acting like she’s a much bigger star than he is. Ryan knows the diva behavior is likely to get worse before it gets better. Producers are trying to get them to make peace, but their egos are both pretty big.”

Both of these two cuntfarts need to get over themselves. JLo shouldn't even be allowed to host a dog howling contest let alone American Idol, so she should just collect her check with a smile and shut the hell up. And if it wasn't for American Idol, Gaycrest would never have enough cash to hire a full-time house boy whose one job is to get on all fours in the kitchen so that he can use his nekkid back to get to the cabinets.

And JLo should watch herself, because Joel McHale is not going to like this. He's supposed to be Gaycrest's arch rival and nobody else!

According to Julianne Hough, Gaycrest is not trying to pretend he's hugging a gigantic erect penis in the picture above. Julianne and Gaycrest having been sharing each other's lip gloss for a couple of months now, and recently she was overheard telling friends that she's not on payroll as his full-time beard.

While at a birthday party at Morton's Steakhouse in North Carolina the other night, 22-year-old Julianne apparently told one of her friends: "He was after me since I was 18 ... he totally wasn't my type ... I thought he was gay. After a few years, he was persistent ... so I went out with him on a date and I realized how much I liked him."

Then Julianne went on to say: "So he's not a dick gobbler, he's a barely legal hunter! Gaycrest...I mean...Straightcrest loves vagina. V-A-G-I-N-A. No, Ryan doesn't call me Derek when I pinch the Seacrest outie on his butt. No, we didn't seal our love with a signature on a contract. No, he didn't write all of this down for me. No, I am not shouting because he told me to talk loud enough for strangers to hear."

And that cackling you hear is coming from Paula Abdul. Somebody tell her to shush her lips with a Vicodin, because we all have to play along!

(Image via Bauer Griffin)

That Ryan Gaycrest is smoother than a dick poke to the taint. Page Six is saying that Simon Cowell's nipple hair braider of choice is getting closer to Julianne Hough of Dancing with the Stars. When the rumors first came up last month, Julianne quickly denied that mess, but some source is saying that things between her and Gaycrest are getting hotter than his flat iron.

The source said that Gaycrest and Julianne went out on a date last month, and went for a second one recently. You know what's going on here, right? When Gaycrest takes the TV into his dressing room's bathroom to watch DWTS in peace, Julianne is not the Hough he's finger banging himself to.

Julianne better be getting some shit out of this, because it can't be comfortable letting Gaycrest stroke your nalgas with his tongue while you're wearing a wig and a plastic muscle suit. "

In case you need for me to break it down for you, put on your Math Wiz cap and let's go:

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This is the closet Gaycrest will get to living out his wet dream of heavy petting with Derek Hough, and that makes him:

A man named Chidi Uzomah was arrested at the E! building in Los Angeles this morning after he showed up asking for Ryan Seacrest. Security recognized Chidi as a known Seacrest-stalker and immediately called the police. It was game over for Chidi after that.

Last month, Chidi was sentenced to three months probation and was ordered to stay away from Gaycrest after he pleaded guilty to attacking one of Ryan's bodyguards outside of a charity event in Orange County, CA. When Chidi was searched today, the cops found a knife on him and a personal check from Joel McHale. I made up that last up.

Maybe Chidi thinks Ryan will lead him to a big pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Somebody should tell Chidi he has the wrong bitch. And Chidi's family was unavailable for comment because they were too busy bawling on the floor out of embarrassment.

Source: E! Online