At last night's Teen Choice Awards (aka the only awards show Roman Polanski Tivos), Sandra Bullock and the queen of the world Betty White performed a G-rated version of Jennifer Connelly's ass to ass scene from Requiem for a Dream for all the chirruns in the audience. No, but that's immediately where my gutter brain went when I first saw this picture. Sandra and Betty bumped nalgas on stage after winning some stupid award for Best Dance.
I bet Betty doesn't even know what she won for. Betty gets an award for burping in the morning, so she just threw that stupid surfboard shit into the warehouse with her other accolades and went back to sitting on her throne.
You know who else was there last night? Not drinking during the daytime is doing wonders for Snooki, because bitch looked all kinds of beautiful last night:
The earthquake in Southern California yesterday was God's way of warning Hollywood that they better do right by his personal angel Betty White at this morning's Emmy Nominations. And they didn't, so those bitches better stop, drop and roll. Oh wait, that's what you do when a flame hops on your back. Well, they should do that anyways, because I won't be surprised if a bolt of lighting (or an angry gay aka me) is headed their way.
Yes, Betty White received ONE LITTLE nomination for her triumphant performance on Saturday Night Live, but we all know she should've been nominated in EVERY SINGLE CATEGORY. Best Stunt Coordination? Betty should've been nominated! Best Technical Direction? Betty should be sitting in that category too.
Kanye West should be shouting about how the Emmys hate Betty White People. White Oprah should be issuing statements on how this is so unfair to do this to such an innocent child. While I organize the BOYCOTT THE EMMYS movement (not really), you can shake your fist or do the dick slappy dance at the nominees below. They are recognizing Christina Hendricks and her magnificent chichis, so I'll give them that. The full list is here.
The Good Wife
Curb Your Enthusiasm
Curb Your Enthusiasm
OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Julianna Margulies (The Good Wife)
Mariska Hargitay (Special Victims Unit)
Glenn Close (Damages)
Kyra Sedgwick (The Closer)
January Jones (Mad Men)
Connie Britton (Friday Night Lights)
OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
Jon Hamm (Mad Men)
Kyle Chandler (Friday Night Lights)
Bryan Cranston (Breaking Bad)
Hugh Laurie (House M.D.)
Michael C. Hall (Dexter)
Matthew Fox (Lost)
OUTSTANDING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Lea Michele (Glee)
Tina Fey (30 Rock)
Toni Collette (The United States of Tara)
Julia Louis-Dreyfus (The New Adventures of Old Christine)
Edie Falco (Nurse Jackie)
Amy Poehler (Parks and Recreation)
OUTSTANDING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Larry David (Curb Your Enthusiasm)
Alec Baldwin (30 Rock)
Matthew Morrison (Glee)
Steve Carell (The Office)
Jim Parsons (The Big Bang Theory)
Tony Shalhoub (Monk)
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A COMEDY
Chris Colfer (Glee)
Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother)
Jesse Tyler Ferguson (Modern Family)
Jon Cryer (Two and A Half Men)
Eric Stonestreet (Modern Family)
Ty Burrell (Modern Family)
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTOR IN A DRAMA
John Slattery (Mad Men)
Aaron Paul (Breaking Bad)
Martin Short (Damages)
Terry O’ Quinn (Lost)
Michael Emerson (Lost)
Andre Braugher (Men of a Certain Age)
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A DRAMA
Sharon Gless (Burn Notice)
Christine Baranski (The Good Wife)
Christina Hendricks (Mad Men)
Rose Byrne (Damages)
Archie Panjabi (The Good Wife)
Elisabeth Moss (Mad Men)
OUTSTANDING SUPPORTING ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Jane Lynch (Glee)
Kristen Wiig (Saturday Night Live)
Jane Krakowski (30 Rock)
Julie Bowen (Modern Family)
Sofia Vergara (Modern Family)
Holland Taylor (Two and A Half Men)
OUTSTANDING REALITY SHOW (COMPETITION)
The Amazing Race
Dancing with the Has-Beens
OUTSTANDING GUEST ACTRESS IN A COMEDY
Kristen Chenoweth (Glee)
Jane Lynch (Two and a Half Men)
Christine Baranski (The Big Bang Theory)
Elaine Stritch (30 Rock)
Tina Fey (SNL)
Kathryn Joosten (Desperate Housewives)
Betty White (SNL)
The above picture is from Betty's new calendar which comes out in September. Proceeds go to the Morris Animal Foundation. I'm sure it will be nominated for a Pulitzer Award next year.
Betty White, who is the last Golden Girl sitting on the rattan sofa in the living room, was asked to comment on the loss of Rue McClanahan and she said this:
"Rue was a close and dear friend. I treasure our relationship. It hurts more than I ever thought it would, if that's even possible."
And on that sad note, let's watch a video of Rue shimmying her shit with all her might back in the day:
After Betty White climbed and conquered SNL, her friends at Facebook are now focusing their efforts on getting her to host the Oscars next year.
I would love nothing more than to watch Betty White say "motherfucker" and "dusty muffin" in front of fancy people like Helen Mirren, but the Oscars is 45 HOURS LONG. At least. What are we trying to do to Betty?! What's next? Get Betty White on the U.S. Olympic women's wrestling team for London 2012? Actually, that I'd like to see. Let's start a petition!
Whenever my abuelita would lie down for a nap, she'd tell my ass to never EVER wake her up or else. The "or else" meant that I'd be spitting up gold-plated flakes for the rest of the day due to her slapping me in the mouth with a hand full of gold rings. Well one day I was playing on the rocking chair in her room (yes, I've always been simple) as she was taking a nap and I watched as she came dangerously close to sliding off the bed. She would snore, then slide a bit, snore then slide a bit... I couldn't do shit but pray to her hologram Jesus portrait that she wouldn't hit the floor. This is basically how I felt before watching Betty White on SNL last night.
Every single person on the Internet got on their knees and begged Lorne Michaels to shine the spotlight on Betty, so there was a lot riding on that shit. And Betty didn't disappoint. She spread her magic and showed all of those hos how it's really done. Betty must have been freebasing Red Bull in the back, because she was in almost every single skit, proving that she still has the stamina of hyperactive toddler on three kinds of speed. Betty is the real shit. The only way this episode could've been better is if Angel Bea Arthur, Rue McClanahan and Angel Estelle Getty rode in on a giant cheesecake to rap with Betty and Jay-Z.
If you haven't seen the episode yet, there's a few clips after the jump including some skits that were cut from the live show. Basically, most of the skits feature Betty saying filthy things, but dirty talk is my first language so I was all about it. JUMP!!!
Remember when international treasure and animal activist Betty White called Sarah Palin a "crazy bitch" on Craig Ferguson a couple of years ago? Well, Betty White and Sarah Palin came face-to-boobs at Time's Most Influential People Gala in NYC last night. They laughed about how they both made their outfits from bedspreads bought at a bordello fire sale. Then they laughed some more about how Sarah mistakenly shot Betty's dog in the leg in Central Park earlier in the day. The laughs!
You know, I'm sure Betty didn't even know who she was talking to. Betty was probably crunked as all fuck from doing Metamucil and Henny shots in the limo. Smoking that fat blunt laced with Geritol didn't help either.
Well, this is one way of trying to kill the rumor that you're fucking on your step-granddaughter. Betty White and Morgan Freeman were caught kissing on each other at the White House Correspondents' Dinner on Saturday night. If you think this is sexy, you should see where their hands are. It's a good thing Betty always keeps a bottle of Cheesecake-flavored lube and a string of Werther's Original anal beads in her purse. Get a room (at the nearest retirement community), you horny sluts!
When I first read Cynthia Nixon's name on the list of celebrities attending the White House Correspondents' Dinner, I immediately rubbed a layer of SPF 10 million over my eyes to prepare them for the vision of the glorious Rojo Caliente in a custom made white tuxedo from the GOD collection at Men's Warehouse. Well, I nearly blinded myself for no reason, because it doesn't look like Rojo Caliente was even there. Oh, Rojo continues to elude me like proper grammar.
Doesn't Rojo know that Obama only agreed to show up because he wanted to witness her beauty for himself? Sigh. Even though Rojo was not there to dazzle Obama's soul, he still managed to perform. Here he is throwing ZINGS and SNAPS left and fucking right:
UPDATE: Forget everything I said above, because Rojo Caliente was there. AND HOW!
Doesn't Rojo look sharp as all fuck? Rojo looks like she's about to tap dance off walls and shit! How is that frosty beverage she's holding not bubbling over? It's the luckiest glass in the world. I've never wanted to spoon with a glass until now.
And here's some celebrities who were invited to last night's dinner for whatever reason. Don't ask me how some (Michelle Obama and Betty White not included) of these hos got an invitation. Most of them don't even belong at the White Castle Correspondents' Dinner let alone the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
In order: a future People Magazine "I'm a lesbian" cover fetus, some drag queen, Jessica Simpson with Gabourey Sidibe, Patricia Arquette (looking dreadful) with Wendie Malick (ditto) , the Jonas Brothers, Donatella Versace, ScarJo with her twin brother, the Tasmanian Devil, MiserAlba with her husband, BETTY WHITE and Michelle Obama.
Above is a short promo for Betty White's big Saturday Night Live debut in a couple of weeks. Now, whoever is calling Betty a "cougar" on the internet needs to eat their fingers off! Betty is no cougar. Betty White shits on cougars. I'm sure there's a video on X-Tube about this if you don't believe me.
Since we're on the subject of SNL, here's my favorite moment from last night starring Gabourey Sidibe and Andy Samberg. It probably tickled me the right way, because I was under the influence of frizzante and two McDonald's apple pies.
And that's what it looks like when a Jonas Brother loses his virginity. A Jonas cherry totally has a voice like a baby unicorn.
Sit on your hands before you get the urge to put these pictures into Photoshop so that you can replace Betty White's nekkid ass nekkid hot dog with all kinds of props from the gutter. I know how your dirty filthy not-right ass works (I'm projecting here). Betty is the internet's memawmaw and we cannot disrespect her! Now that I think about it, it would be disrespectful to NOT Photoshop dirtiness (e.g. Blanche's favorite double-sided dildo, Dorothy's big toe, a penis-shaped cheesecake, etc....) over that hot dog, so have at it. It's what Betty wants!
Anyways, here's Betty getting mean on a naked hot dog at the opening of Pink's at Universal Citywalk yesterday. The second thumbnail perfectly illustrates how I feel most days. I'm jealous of the bitch who got shanked by Betty after that picture was taken.