Bill Clinton was honored at the GLAAD Media Awards in Los Angeles last night and he was the damn pimp of the ball. He asked Charlize Theron if she'd like to see him in his fedora and nothing else, he asked Jennifer Lawrence if she'd like to grab a few cigars and get out of there, and he gave Betty White an extra special hug. Betty White's rose-colored eyebrows nearly melted off and her "this jacket is vintage JCPenney and I know Big Willie juice doesn't come out" face says everything we need to know. Betty White proved that she's once again the patron saint of giving by showing dusty, old Bill Clinton some love when she really wanted to jump on a piece who can really handle her.
GLAAD, who loves giving out awards since it feels like they have an awards show every damn month, gave Bill Clinton the Advocate for Change Award and also gave trophies to The New Normal (for outstanding comedy series), Perks of Being a Wallflower (for outstanding movie), American Horror Story (for outstanding TV mini-series) and Days of Our Lives (for outstanding daily drama).
And here's Charlize looking perfect, Jennifer Lawrence with just-out-of-the-salon mom hair, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, Betty White, Leonardo DiCatchAHo and Alex PetMyFur.
Number five on my bucket list is to type the phrase "Betty White's Twatter" at least once in my life and now I can check that box off, because Betty White has turned the Tweet birds into a choir of angels by officially joining Twitter last night. In just a few hours, our national treasure collected 105,043 followers, which is around 40 less than the notches on Blanche Devereaux's bedpost. Who cares if Betty only joined that shit to pimp her Werther's Originals Fun Time Hour Of Old People Pranks. Who cares if a young ass intern who thinks the Golden Girls was an E! reality show about a spray tan salon in Sherman Oaks is doing the typing for her. Who cares? I'll say the same shit I say when I show up to a Craigslist trick's apartment and quickly realize the picture he sent me was his head on Ryan Gosling's body: I'll take what I can get!
That being said, can Betty White please leave Gaycrest out of this? I just looked at pictures of a shovel-chinned Leno whore in lingerie and my head didn't barf my eyeballs out, so obviously I have a high-tolerance for dark-sided images, but I really didn't need to visualize Betty White and Ryan Gaycrest sharing the same slot. Not today.
Some of us have already heard the song that made me feel like I was getting DPed in the ears by a bass speaker and a glow stick wrapped in cheesecake and now here it is in moving picture form! Like I said before, Betty White is an earth angel and if she Hitler saluted a blind orphan toddler right in the face and farted out the melody of a Ke$ha song while wearing an I Heart A Nancy Grace Fart shirt made of kitten whiskers, I'd gently escort her to the nearest mental hospital lanai, but I'd do so with loooooooove. So I'm just going to say that the video for "I'm Still Hot" has everything you could ever want from a video: Betty White, cheesecake and succulent man titties that you just want to give a mammogram to.
Oh, and Betty is doing this to raise awareness for the Lifeline Program and some of the proceeds from the sale of the song will go to The L.A. Zoo. So see, Betty is doing it for the animals. Or as my little cousin with a fucked up lisp says, the annniminals.
Personally, I'd rather have a Cheesecake Remix of Miami is Nice, but when it comes to Betty White dropping her voice on top of beats you have to happily take what your ass can get. Betty White and English pop person Luciana snatched the phrase Wonky McValtrex's sink drain skank ass tried to trademark, drowned it in a Hazmat-approved plastic tub full of antibiotics and brought it back to life in song form. This is Betty White and Luciana burning up the lanai and making pussies pop out cheesecakes with their single "I'm Still Hot."
Betty White can do no wrong and saying anything bad about would send me into a deep hell where Golden Girls reruns are not played in the middle of the night, so I will not say that this song gave me agita of the ear drums. I will only say that Betty puts the GRAM in Grammys, so she should win a million Grammys for this shit. Wave your arms like an abuelita waving an invisible chankla and get some of this.
Betty White has officially broken the fragile heart of Sgt. Ray Lewis, the Marine who did one full pull up (ONE FULL PULL UP) in the video where he asked America's forever sweetheart to be his date to the Marine Corp Ball. Betty did the opposite of what Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis did by turning his ass down. Betty said thank you, but no thank you, when the L.A. Times asked if she was going. Bitch has to work!
"I am deeply flattered and truly appreciate the invitation. As everyone knows, I love a man in uniform ... but unfortunately I cannot accept, as I will be taping an episode of 'Hot in Cleveland.'
Love, Betty White."
So now a Marine will go to the ball alone where he'll sit in a darkened corner stroking the corsage he made for Betty White out of Werther's Originals while fighting back lonely tears as the terrorists take to the streets carrying victory flags with Betty White's face on 'em. Nope. Still don't hate her. And now can we be done with all these damn invites? (Unless, a Marine is planning to invite a Kardashian only so that he can get her on stage and under a bucket full of pig's blood. If that's the case, carry on.)
A marine asked Mila Kunis to the ball, and she said yes. A marine asked Justin Timberlake to the ball, and he said yes. Now Sgt. Ray Lewis is giving mouth-to-mouth to a dead horse by asking international treasure and the Internet's grandma Betty White to his Marine Corp Ball (which will soon be called "The Celebwhore (and a couple of marines) Corp Ball" in November. This is what it looks like when two dying memes each get an extra breath from a defibrillator pad. I think I speak for everybody when I type, THIS NEED TO STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I believe we should all support our troops by dancing at, on and around their balls, because it's our duty as American to do so, but enough is enough. All these video invitations are inspiring me to submit a video to the Make-A-Wish Foundation's needy homo division where I ask Mah Boo to escort me to my Marine Corp Ball (aka a bunch of stuffed animals wearing various military outfits) in my apartment, and I'm sure that's not what they wanted.
Betty White is trying to have a peaceful BenGay bubble bath, but she can't because she has to sashay out of her step-in bath tub every time the Internet calls on her. That being said, I hope Betty goes and I hope this is the end of shit like this.
It's getting to the point where a fame whoring fat roach like Kim Kardashian is going to try to get in on the action by asking to corp a marine's balls on YouTube.
International treasure Betty White is not the one who will dry Lindsay Lohan's fake tanner tears over a slice of cheesecake at a round table in the kitchen and she's definitely not drinking or even sipping tiger blood. Betty White continued to add to the neverending list of reasons to love her when she gave her thoughts about Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen to the Daily Mail of all mails. Basically, Betty thinks that LiLo and Charlie need to do ass-to-ass with a giant double-sided dildo made of gratefulness. Tell that shit like it is, Betty!
"They party too much, don’t learn their lines, are unprofessional and they grumble about everything. I think they are terribly ungrateful. I cannot stand the people who get wonderful starts in show business, and who abuse it. Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, for example, although there are plenty of others, too. They are the most blessed people in the world and they don’t appreciate it."
Of course, LiLo had something to say to this to E! News, "I've always been a fan of hers. It's just a bit strange when people feel they must speak publicly about others. Especially a grown woman."
Why the hell did LiLo even waste a breath she could've used to puff on a Red? Betty White is right. End of story. Shut those silicone anal glands on your mouth and take it. Betty White is saying what Charlie's and LiLo's family should've said a long ass time ago. If only Betty could stick her fist up White Oprah's ass and do the talking for that delusional crazy from now on.
The 89th anniversary of the day the gods gifted the world with the earth angel that is Betty White was actually on Monday, but her hard partying weekend of blackout debauchery forced her to confess her sins to her Saint Bea candle, buy bootleg morning after pills on Craigslist, get (NSFW) the cat with a bowtie tattoo on her vagina removed and make her court date for public intoxication, so her Hot In Cleveland castmates couldn't throw a party for her until last night.
At Le Cirque in NYC, Valerie Bertinelli, Jane Leeves and Wendie Malick presented America's grandmother with a giant Metamucil cake with creme de Ben Gay frosting (that strangely sounds kind of good).
And here's a video from the future of me and a special friend (you decide which is which) wishing the eternally young Betty White a happy birthday.
I'm not joking. That is totally my future.
If you've ever wanted to know what the pastel tears of a gay unicorn looks like, you can go through my trash can to find my used Kleenexes from my nightly "WHY ME?" cry on the bathroom floor. Or you can just get a good look at Betty White's dress which she is wearing to the Emmys (or the Bettys as they should be called) tonight.
All those journalists who were going to stay up until dawn tonight trying to figure out who was the hottest bitch at the Emmys tonight can send Betty White a thank you basket, because she has made their job easier. If Betty is not at the top of every best dressed list tomorrow, then it's confirmed that Satan walks amongst us. I mean, how can Betty not be at the top? Not only does she have the spirit of Blanche, Dorothy and Sophia dancing in pastel across her dress, but she also looks like the grandma of the gay groom at a Palm Springs wedding circa 1983. Also, it's not a party until you're wearing a pearl necklace and Betty is showing us that. This is a candy-coated fucking win!
And here's some other hot pieces from tonight including: Jon Hamm with his wife Jennifer Westfeldt, Chris Colfer, James Lipton (and his gorgeous wife who gets best dressed runner-up), Jane Lynch, Kathy Griffin with Mama Maggie, LAFAYETTE!!!! and Tina Fey.
The Creative Arts Emmys (or the Schmemmys as Kathy Griffin has officially dubbed them) is the Emmys' grown step sister who still sits at the children's table even though her ass cheeks don't fit on the tiny stool anymore. Well, she temporarily got up from the children's table last night for her big moment in the spotlight. And she didn't disappoint, because she did the right thing by honoring international treasure Betty White for her triumphant performance on Saturday Night Live!
Unfortunately, Betty wasn't there to accept her award, because the show cut into her nap time and nothing is more important than nap time. No, Betty didn't go because she gets tired of people throwing themselves at her feet and handing over their babies (or trophies) for her to bless.
Surprisingly enough, Betty didn't win every award last night. Illegal, I know. Others won too. Here's just some of the winners (full list here):
Best Guest Actress in a Comedy: Betty White, "Saturday Night Live"
Best Choreography: Mia Michaels, "So You Think You Can Dance"
Best Voiceover Performance: Anne Hathaway, "The Simpsons"
Best Main Titles Design: "Bored to Death"
Best Main Title Theme Music: "Nurse Jackie"
Best Guest Actor in a Drama Series: John Lithgow, "Dexter" (he accidentally thanked HBO instead of Showtime!)
Best Guest Actor in a Comedy Series: Neil Patrick Harris, "Glee"
Best Variety Writing: "Colbert Report"
Best Commercial: "The Man Your Man Could Smell Like • Old Spice Body Wash"
Best Reality Program: "Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution"
Best Reality Host: Jeff Probst, "Survivor"
Best Guest Actress in a Drama Series: Ann-Margret, "Law & Order: SVU" (she receives the only standing ovation of the night)
And here's some pictures of the winners including: Neil Patrick Harris double fisting, Ann-Margaret, John Lithgow, Gaycrest, Isaiah Mustafa (with Jon Hamm), and Jeff Probst with his girlfriend Sheetal Sheth.